SEN Child - Custody help

[StressedStepmum36]

(Name changed due to sensitive info, posting in AIBU for traffic and help!)

I’m step mum to a wonderful little boy, who my partner shares with his ex wife. He is 8 years old - they divorced when he was 2 and until the last 6 months have co-parented effectively with a 50/50 split on a week by week, pre-planned, rotation.

He has significant needs, including Autism and global delay. This affects his communication, sleep, and behaviour.

As he has grown bigger his mum, who is a single parent, has began to struggle with his needs. She reports (we’ve never seen it in person) that he is violent toward her, angry at home, and behaves terribly in her care. He does have challenges when he’s with us, but not to that level of severity.

Over the last 6months there have been various occasions where we’ve been asked to pick up extra days, support on a weekend, intervene etc. which we have done happily.

In March she self referred to social services saying she was unable to cope and can’t keep him safe. We’ve had a few meetings already and another planned soon. Those meetings have provided various strategies and links to external bodies - but the meetings to review those steps always lead to her saying they’re not being done and the steps haven’t been taken.

External help has been offered, and either refused or not acted on.

Since the start of May, she’s seen him 5 times. There hasn’t been a change to the arrangement, or even a discussion, we just get asked to keep him. So far this time it’s been a week, she had him for one night and then demanded (genuinely) that we collect him, and now she “may” have him later on this week for a bit.

Are we reasonable to assume that this could be the beginning of a formal change, either to an increased share on our side or a total change to full custody, and if so - do we ask outright or wait to be told that’s what she wants.

Honestly you would get very different responses. If it was the child's father who felt they were unable to cope ,rather than the mother
But this is mumsnet, where step mothers are always wrong.

She’s not deadbeat for struggling, but that’s what he’d be being called by now.

He’d be another useless father who wasn’t accepting responsibility for his child.

That wouldn’t be acceptable, or true, but that’s the language we’d be using.

Wtf, the child id six years old! And he misses his mum, ofcourse he does. And the OP thinks it's sad that the mum has not taken up on any offer of help by CAMHs which would facilitate her life with her son. @StressedStepmum36 Please don't listen to judgmental comments like this. This child and his mum are so lucky to have you in their lives.

8 years old, and it does make a difference - have you had an 8 year old with a learning disability attack you / be involved in a behavioural incident where they nearly died?

"would facilitate her life with her son" - I seriously wouldn't take it at a given that CAMHS advice or interventions always improve people's lives.

Other posters and myself find the tone of OP to be highly judgemental of the child's mother.

Of course it's tragic that the mum can't see her little boy right now, the mum said herself she wants to but she is not able. Of course the OP and her DH need to formalise a new arrangement because they can't just pick up everything as and when in a chaotic ad hoc way, but OP needs to re-frame this whole thing as the mum 'can't' do this, not 'won't'.

Not sure how else you’d like it phrasing. Mum currently will not engage in the many (I have listed them) support options available to her.

Mum currently tells us she’s getting a haircut and therefore can’t see her child.

Mum currently has been proven to lie to us about doctor’s appointments, a lie that was actually relayed to us by her own parents.

Mum is absolutely struggling, and needs help, but is currently avoiding the matter, which will not make it go away.

I am genuinely not sure what you’re defending here. But it’s not the 8 year old.

OK, well you clearly don't think you are being unreasonable in any way then.

Sorry, do you think making up a drs appointment to avoid seeing your child is reasonable?

Do you think that saying you’re getting a haircut instead is reasonable?

Do you think not taking steps to resolve an admittedly difficult situation is reasonable?

You don’t, surely. You just don’t think it’s my place to say it because she’s his mother.

'Sorry, do you think making up a drs appointment to avoid seeing your child is reasonable? Do you think that saying you’re getting a haircut instead is reasonable?' No - not at all reasonable, a sign things are going really wrong and sounds like she either can't face admitting or can't articulate that she can't see him right now. Unless you do just really believe she's done these things because she's a useless mother?

'Do you think not taking steps to resolve an admittedly difficult situation is reasonable?' Difficult to comment - could be the steps aren't reasonable, could be she's now realised they won't work after asking for them, or she's just completely crashed out like another poster suggested.

'You just don’t think it’s my place to say it because she’s his mother.' There is a small element of truth to this. You are not his mother, you are not getting attacked, you should not get to play Good New Stable Nuclear Family Mother while using professional speak ('refusing to engage') about his actual mother who has been doing 50/50 on her own for years while being subjected to violence.

I don’t believe she’s a useless mother. I believe that she’s avoiding dealing with the situation either by lying to get out of it, or by not doing things to fix it. She may be avoiding it because it’s overwhelming, but I believe it is being avoided.

And on your last comment, if her little boy is going to live full time in our house, that I also live in, and actively participate in - I’m entitled to an opinion on that and the circumstances around it, whether you like it or not.

It's such a tough situation for everyone concerned and I don't think that terms of good parent or bad parent are useful. Ideally having two interested and invested parents must surely be the best case scenario. It's also rather irrelevant if a million and one other people think they could do a better job than his mum is. She is the mum he has and people have different amounts of experience,resources, abilities and responses to overwhelming difficulties. She's probably judging herself more harshly than anyone else can or would, quite likely without a reason to.

Most moms don't actively decide to let their kids down and even if we all were flies on the wall, judging her won't change anything. I can understand why you might feel frustrated that it seems like she's not making the best use of the opportunities given to her however. I would just like to point out that kids do pick up on unspoken attitudes and actions and feeling unwanted, a burden or unloved by their mum is also very damaging. You wouldn't want either of them to be unsafe or something tragic to happen because of trying to reach a point that just isn't achievable at the moment. That doesn't mean that things won't ever change and it's not inevitable that things are going to deteriorate as he gets older.

I think the way forward would be trying to get as much support for him as possible and creating a stable home life with a predictable routine of carers, whomever that is. Don't shut the door on the mum being able to increase contact at a later date. This fear of being shut out might be part of why she's not taking up the help. She might be unconsciously fearful about doing the courses and still not being able to cope and losing him forever.

Sometimes it can be necessary for someone to step back from being a caretaker. Try not to think of it as her abandoning him but rather making sure he's looked after in the most appropriate environment, until she's able to herself. Keep encouraging her to be involved and work on herself but only to the amount where its a positive effect for everyone, so she's not constantly "failing". Being supportive of her and non judgemental, will leave the door open for the future.

I have no idea why you’re getting so much stick. You seem to be a pretty exemplary step-mother but despite that - because, perhaps? - a few contributors are picking over your posts trying to find fault. I have a severely learning disabled child, now adult. There’s no way on earth I’d have taken on someone else’s severely disabled child so I take my hat off to you and think your husband and stepson are so lucky to have you

As a parent it can break you and maybe that’s what’s happened to the mother here but even allowing for that she’s letting her son down. To the people defending her - would you really do the same? Would you leave your child for weeks with no regular visits and no idea of when they’re going to see you again? Because that’s inexcusable behaviour.

Honestly, I’m assuming it’s because most mothers wouldn’t want “another woman” being actively involved in their child’s life, because that’s their role. There’s also some idea, IMO, that I’m taking her child and criticising her while I’m doing it.

I’m taking nobody’s child. In the years before this I was the first to say I’m not his mother, never will be, you only get one and it’s her. They forever share that little boy, and it’s important it works, more so because of his needs. I am, and always was, more than happy with being a welcome addition, and nothing more.

I don’t engage in their childcare plans, their arguments or debates, until she told the LA to include me I’ve never thought it was my place to have any involvement in his education or care. I facilitate his life here, that’s it.

However, I will not accept my partner being lied to so that the access doesn’t happen. I will not accept my stepson, who I care about, asking for his mummy and having a meltdown because she’s not available. I will not live in a world where we tell him he’s seeing her, and she cancels because she’s getting a haircut. I will not accept taking time out of our work days to attend meetings to support her that she doesn’t even come to. I will not accept him being physically unsafe because neither of them can manage his level of risk, and no steps being taking to resolve that.

But most importantly, I do not accept a disabled child not currently knowing or understanding where his mother is and why she isn’t around.

He deserves a consistent mother in his life, his mother, and I will not apologise for thinking that.

OP I'm not sure what more you want from this thread? Many posters including me have sympathised, given advice and said you may need to take 100% responsibility at least for a little while until mum feels able to. You say she isn't engaging in support services, is lying to get out of seeing her child and you are frazzled with trying to facilitate a relationship that she can't handle at the moment.

I'm a Mum to two now adult kids with special needs and I couldn't have walked away from them despite the massive challenges we faced at times. I'm also seriously disabled myself.

Obviously reasons like going to get a haircut or similar aren't reasonable but I can conceve that there can be times for not being able to be the caretaker for a bit. On the face of the information we have in the thread, it doesn't seem like the mum is trying her hardest but we don't actually know why. The little boy is lucky he's got an involved father and another supportive adult who has love for him.

A Mum needs to be able to actually care properly for a child, and occasionally the situation can be so extreme, that taking time to recover and rebuild yourself, might be in the child's best interest. I've never been at that point but then I haven't been at the point where I want to do something drastic or unrecoverable either. It's not better for a child to be in an unsafe environment, physically or emotionally and can lead to things escalating out of control, just because she's biologically related to him. You are assuming that she's giving weak reasons not to have him out of choice. It might be that's her way of dealing with the knowledge that she knows that she's just not capable at the moment. We just don't know and actually it's irrelevant to the question the OP asked.

I'm also pointing out that making something absolute or "inexcusable" makes it a very difficult place to come back from. There are legitimate reasons why someone isn't suitable to be a caregiver and we shouldn't be judge jury and executioner of a situation we don't have all the facts for. If the intent is to be able to have the mum being able to be part of the child's life, then adding guilt and an unforgiving attitude would be harmful. Getting her to feel supported enough to engage with the mental health team, might make a considerable difference to the situation in the future. Meanwhile the child is in a safe and stable environment.

I’m saying those things because they’re true.

I guess what I’m looking for is how we can get him back into an ongoing relationship with his mum, that can be made stable and secure again, and is consistent. I don’t think, honestly, that the occasional few hours after a school will be enough to do that.

I also don’t believe that us taking 100% facilitates that, it makes it easier to hide and back away from, more daunting build back from. It feels like a backward step in getting things resolved.

I think if we took 100%, that would be that.

We will take whatever custody we need to, and do whatever is best, but I honestly don’t think that what’s best is that he is full time with us, because he needs her too.

I’m possibly looking for a quick fix for their situation, where one maybe isn’t available or can’t be accessed because of where we’re at.

You can't force her to step up OP. You just can't, no matter how much you wish it.

I've noticed that women tend to be more scathing when it's a mother backing away than a bloke. Dad's do it all the time.

I think you need to think less about a quick fix and more about a longer phased transition.

Start small and once his Mum feels able to cope with small then build up the length of the contact periods in the day with support. There may not be a definite timeline to this, but like you say consistency is important for your step-son so you want to start with something she feels she can manage and stick to. It maybe that 1-2 hours is all she can manage at first. It may be that initially that needs to happen outside in another environment to home if his behaviour escalates more at home and the reminder of this is likely to make her feel unsafe.

If you move too fast she may back off again which is not good for your step-son and not ultimately what you want.

I don’t think anyone should, I’m equally scathing towards men who back away.

My honest view on parenting is that you accept responsibility for a child the very second you decide to have it, and from then on - it’s your responsibility to do everything within your power to raise that child.

I thought that before I met my partner, that’s not a view I’ve developed during this whole thing. If he’d have been either an absent father or a Disney dad, we wouldn’t be together.

Most parents feel like that about their children!

Sadly, some parents aren't able to care for their children forever. One example of this is with very high needs children. I know of children who have ended up in care because they need 4:1 care due to explosively dangerous behaviours. So even though I sincerely hope (despite having two very high needs children myself) that I never get to this point, I will never judge parents who simply cannot continue to care for their severely disabled children. I certainly wouldn't say this : 'I can’t wrap my head around how/why you’d give up on him'.

Well I can’t wrap my head around it. I’m not going to lie and say that I understand how it’s possible to do that, when I can’t.

With respect, I don’t know my stepson as well as either of his parents, by nature of having not been around the first few years of his life. You don’t know him at all, I do.

He’s not without his challenges, but he also has the ability to be a wonderful and affectionate little boy. He spent half an hour yesterday playing with the wind, and shouting woof woof at it. God only knows why, but he did.

I can’t imagine how or why you’d be able to walk away, because I have an emotional attachment to him, which by absolutely every reasonable assumption isn’t as strong as his mums is.

I'm not disputing they are true, what I am saying is you can't force someone to do what you think they should. It seems she just can't at the moment and you forcing contact isn't going to help, it's going to push her further away.

I agree with you about children being a life long commitment but some people aren't able to cope with sustained stress and violence and if she won't engage with the services then I'm not sure you have any other options than to take full custody and introduce visitation slowly.

It's hard OP and you are doing a great thing but you can't make mum step up.

OP have you faced violence and aggression every week for years? It wears you down to nothing. People disassociate from their children in burn out. Mum needs time and space not judgement.

Do they,?becsuse i have faced this for years too I have a severely autistic teenager wwv have prolonged periods of violence and aggression
I remember one summer holiday my sister thought I had developed eczema because my arms were a mess as they were covered in nips bites and scratches the one thing I have never done is walk away from my child
This women has been offered an immense amount of support which she's not utilising
Maybe her son is better off without her

I think some major compassion towards his mum is needed here. She is struggling. She is trying. She is on her own. His dad has you to support.

Personally I think you & his dad should step up for now, do what is needed, support his mum as well if possible. Then she will hopefully get back to full strength and be able to revert to the original arrangement.

No need for any ‘formal’ steps for now.

Unless this is actually just about all about money….and his dad trying to pay less? 🤔