SEN Child - Custody help

[StressedStepmum36]

(Name changed due to sensitive info, posting in AIBU for traffic and help!)

I’m step mum to a wonderful little boy, who my partner shares with his ex wife. He is 8 years old - they divorced when he was 2 and until the last 6 months have co-parented effectively with a 50/50 split on a week by week, pre-planned, rotation.

He has significant needs, including Autism and global delay. This affects his communication, sleep, and behaviour.

As he has grown bigger his mum, who is a single parent, has began to struggle with his needs. She reports (we’ve never seen it in person) that he is violent toward her, angry at home, and behaves terribly in her care. He does have challenges when he’s with us, but not to that level of severity.

Over the last 6months there have been various occasions where we’ve been asked to pick up extra days, support on a weekend, intervene etc. which we have done happily.

In March she self referred to social services saying she was unable to cope and can’t keep him safe. We’ve had a few meetings already and another planned soon. Those meetings have provided various strategies and links to external bodies - but the meetings to review those steps always lead to her saying they’re not being done and the steps haven’t been taken.

External help has been offered, and either refused or not acted on.

Since the start of May, she’s seen him 5 times. There hasn’t been a change to the arrangement, or even a discussion, we just get asked to keep him. So far this time it’s been a week, she had him for one night and then demanded (genuinely) that we collect him, and now she “may” have him later on this week for a bit.

Are we reasonable to assume that this could be the beginning of a formal change, either to an increased share on our side or a total change to full custody, and if so - do we ask outright or wait to be told that’s what she wants.

It's always been 50/50 how is dad trying to pay less.FFS mumsnet is pathetic at times the Dad is always in the wrong even when the mother can't be arsed it's his fault .

I don’t mean to minimise what’s happening, but it’s not been years.

His aggression towards mum started around January this year, one theory banded around is that he’s unfortunately worked out his size advantage. We can’t ask, but that could be it.

It started in January, contact started changing around Feb half term, dropped further at Easter and then hasn’t recovered since then.

I can well believe, and acknowledge that the reason for that is because extended periods of full days (as in, holidays) are completely overwhelming for her.

I’m not asking for miracles, or for anything other than trying to get through it. I don’t want or expect her to spend the rest of forever getting chunks taken out of her, I want us to actually do something to resolve it.

It would be fairly hard to pay less, he doesn’t pay anything.

Mum’s bills, expenses of all kinds, hobbies - everything, are funded by parents.

They were 50/50, always had been, and agreed that he doesn’t pay maintenance because she doesn’t need it, and she doesn’t pay him anything because it’s her parent’s money and that’s a ridiculous idea.

We both work 40-50 hour weeks, and don’t ask for or require any maintenance payments from her mum and dad, even with more custody that would normally imply we were due something.

There is absolutely nothing financial in this for anyone.

I too have faced violence for years and haven't 'walked away' from my children. We have also had incidents where something really, really bad could have happened because of the extreme supervision and needs management required for my children.

However, a) everyone's resources and ability to cope are different and b) not all violence / behaviour is equal. I've had cuts, massive bruises, bites, hair ripped out, dental issues, scratches, bloody noses, been pushed over / nearly down the stairs but I haven't had non-intentional knife injuries, or broken bones, or stitches needed.

Just because you or I can 'cope' in our own situations, doesn't mean this applies to everyone.

I don't suppose you were offered the immense amount of support this women was offered either
I certainly wasn't
The point is that the answers would be very different if it was the father who felt he couldn't cope .

It's a known phenomenon, just because you have coped it doesn't mean everyone can.

But you know your reaction would be very different if it was a father saying he couldn't cope don't you ?

No I don't know that. If a father was a sole carer to an aggressive and violent child who beat them up then no, if they were in burn out I wouldn't judge.

Neither of them are the sole carer BTW and the mother was offered immense support for all of her 50% care.

We only have OPs word for all of the support she has been offered, given that no one with an aggressive and violent child can usually get any support, I want to know who their LA is as I'm moving there.

She is sole carer for 50% of the time (or was).

Well yeah maybe it's all fictional but we can only go off what the Op tells us and again if it was a father struggling the reply would be very different.

Well I’m hardly going to show you the paperwork, am I, but I quite why I would lie about it is beyond me.

I'm not saying you are lying but from many parents who have children like you DSS do not get any support so I am surprised by the sheer amount you have listed and mum has turned down. I'd love it if this were offered to everyone.

It sounds a really difficult situation for all. Does your stepson have any siblings? If so he must miss them too.

I have to say Op, having re-read your post carefully, you do come across as unsympathetic of this little boy’s mum. I doubt very much that you fully understand exactly what she is going through. Your comment about her having dismissed or refused all help - I highly doubt this.
It feels as you you’re trying to make yourselves out to be the heroes & his mum to be the villain. Stop. That is the last things she needs.

Also, how long have you been with the dad?

Maybe let him lead all of this - this child is not your son, I think you perhaps need to butt out of this all a bit and let his actual parents co-parent without you sticking your oar in. I suspect that would help things.

Maybe you should reread it again the mother WANTED the Op in all the meetings as she's sharing parenting duties
And the mother isn't parenting at all at moment let alone co parents
I'm sorry thst doesn't suit your narrative
As step parents are always wrong on mumsnet.

@x2boysyour post is categorically inaccurate. RTFT!

I have ,clearly you haven't.

Please stop and read OP's posts again. She had made it clear on several posts, that the mother ASKED for her to attend those meetings. Please don't derail this thread by continuing to argue this.

You can doubt it all you like - she’s currently not engaging in the support that was asked for and is available. Like others have said, that may be because engaging in it is currently too overwhelming.

How long I’ve been with “the dad” is precisely zero of your business, but in summary - long enough.

His mother refers (publicly and to external bodies) to me as his “other mum.” I would make clear I am not his other mum, because he only has one. There is no such thing as “another mum,” you get one.

I have said, numerous times, that I have absolutely no desire to replace anyone.

However it’s fairly difficult to “butt out” of something you’re continually dragged into, formally, with local authorities, school and other services.

And all of that aside, I also will not “butt out” of a situation that affects my home and every single person that lives in it. My partner and his child’s wellbeing is important to me, and I’d be a fairly shitty person if it wasn’t.

I don’t message his mum and tell her that she isn’t engaging with support, or that her son needs her - I leave that clearly to my partner. I do however deal, daily, with the fallout of the situation.

So if you’re expecting me to do that, and also not have an opinion on it, I’m afraid you’re going to remain sorely disappointed.

He doesn’t - parents separated when he was just under 2 years old, and he was diagnosed shortly after.

Mum has remained single throughout this time, and myself and his dad have decided not to have any children so we can meet the needs of his existing son.

I don’t know if it’s helpful but that’s exactly what happened with my SDC. They realised their size was such that they could overpower their caregivers and thus get the net result they wanted. Whatever that was. I will say it’s only made the situation escalate and people around them pacify them even more, so it’s been a vicious circus. This has made them more dangerous to be around and made their world very small. Because they don’t discriminate who they lash out at, children, babies, random strangers. Anyone who is within proximity if it means their “needs” are met in that moment.

OP I read you and your husband have decided not to have any children because of this child’s needs. I understand what has driven you to that decision but I would urge you to please stop and think about your own future. I am ten years in and it’s been bloody hard. I adore my husband (and god knows I’ve had to to stick this out) but it’s a lonely path being one of a support network to a child with such high needs. Don’t be a martyr for the sake of it. Please take stock and consider what YOU want for your future. Don’t become a chess piece in Mums lives - at the moment your home is largely at her whim, are you ok to live like that indefinitely. Hypothetical question - but please take care of yourself and don’t lose yourself to everyone else’s needs.

If I was his mum (not that I'm saying I would behave the same way, but I can empathise), this is personally what I would want to happen now:

His Dad to say that he completely understands that mum is struggling and that it's much harder for mum because of the violence, but that what we need to do now is agree to what the pattern will be until September so that at least everyone can plan. That this arrangement doesn't have to last for ever and can broadly be led by mum. Ask if there is anything the mum wants out of the next few meetings, and whether she still agrees to stepmum being present.

Don't make it about engagement or parenting styles / boundaries, just - 'what do you need for the next 3 months and then we can go from there?'.

I feel sorry for the little boy, however, there is a single mother who is struggling. If she reffered herself to SS it means she reached the end of her tethers and is desperatley in need a break. She left the child with you, the child is safe and cared for. This is exactly what struggling SEN mothers are advised to donin situations likee this, she needs a bit of respite. Please be patient and give her the time to recover and start again. I understand the child needs a routine but at the moment the mother needs to be supported for her wellbeing. Oxygen mask to yourself first. Please be patient and continue supporting the mother.

She gets respite 50% of the time which is more than most people get by a long shot ,she has also been offered an immense amount of support ,which she hasent taken up
Again if it was a father backing away the replies would be very different