SEN Child - Custody help

[StressedStepmum36]

(Name changed due to sensitive info, posting in AIBU for traffic and help!)

I’m step mum to a wonderful little boy, who my partner shares with his ex wife. He is 8 years old - they divorced when he was 2 and until the last 6 months have co-parented effectively with a 50/50 split on a week by week, pre-planned, rotation.

He has significant needs, including Autism and global delay. This affects his communication, sleep, and behaviour.

As he has grown bigger his mum, who is a single parent, has began to struggle with his needs. She reports (we’ve never seen it in person) that he is violent toward her, angry at home, and behaves terribly in her care. He does have challenges when he’s with us, but not to that level of severity.

Over the last 6months there have been various occasions where we’ve been asked to pick up extra days, support on a weekend, intervene etc. which we have done happily.

In March she self referred to social services saying she was unable to cope and can’t keep him safe. We’ve had a few meetings already and another planned soon. Those meetings have provided various strategies and links to external bodies - but the meetings to review those steps always lead to her saying they’re not being done and the steps haven’t been taken.

External help has been offered, and either refused or not acted on.

Since the start of May, she’s seen him 5 times. There hasn’t been a change to the arrangement, or even a discussion, we just get asked to keep him. So far this time it’s been a week, she had him for one night and then demanded (genuinely) that we collect him, and now she “may” have him later on this week for a bit.

Are we reasonable to assume that this could be the beginning of a formal change, either to an increased share on our side or a total change to full custody, and if so - do we ask outright or wait to be told that’s what she wants.

She sounds like she is completely overwhelmed and in shutdown mode. Burnt out. Were the PA hours offered for respite or to support contact time?

Maybe it would be better if the PA hours were used to support shorter contact periods between him and her so there is another adult there all the time when she is with him. It might be good for the PA to start by meeting him at yours though to build up a relationship with him as that will enable them to better assist her in managing his behaviour when he sees her.

Shorter regular periods of contact with support from a PA with all overnights remaining at yours for the time being might be a good starting point to reintroduce contact. Maybe ask if you can pop over without your step-son for a cup of tea and offer to email short breaks on her behalf to get the ball rolling.

Also there any chance that she could also be ND herself? I only mention this because this shut down mode is something my autistic DD, DS and DH all do at times as a response to stress.

It sounds like she has done flight mode and is now in freeze.

https://www.simplypsychology.org/fight-flight-freeze-fawn.html

If she can get any useful support.

I got told to try mindfulness, when I kept pushing I eventually got six counselling sessions online - the counsellor was lovely and was so worried about me she actually wrangled another two sessions.

And I was offered group CBT that I couldn't attend because of my son's needs.

You have to push for everything, usually getting nothing in return and pretty much everything you do get offered involves something else you have to do or organise.

If it was a dad walking away, no one would be posting empathetically about burnout or mental health issues.

I absolutely recognise the burnout thing. I also worked in the field and my heart broke for some of the parents I worked with. So I'm glad to see that recognised in this thread, and ideas suggested calmly and rationally. But I couldn't help but notice the sexism. I'd love to think that a dad not coping will be met with the range concern in a similar thread in the future. I've had several fathers just sob in meetings about their child.

Ah the best @StressedStepmum36 . You and your partner sound great. His son is lucky to have you.

Yes, exactly.

With respect, a proper break has been given. She’s seen him 5 times since April, it’s June. That is a break, surely.

I’m saying that, and all of the other things that have been mentioned, because a break, help, support - all been offered or given. We’re running out of places to turn.

If none of it is working or being accepted, what then?

We already have shoes to walk a mile in, and are doing so.

I’m only doing that because those boundaries work in all other environments, at school and home when he is asked to stop doing something - he does. If he does lash out, it can be managed.

By more people. His behaviour is managed at school, by a team. It’s managed at home, by two of us.

It’s not a failing of his mum that there’s just her, it doesn’t make her a terrible parent for a) not being his preferred gender (he gravitates toward men and responds better to them), b) not be physically able to manage his strength, or c) be exhausted from it all and not able to cope.

She’s in a different and very difficult situation. I’ve recognised that.

She’s backed into a corner that’s very difficult to get out of, I can see that.

I think all you can do is take control, for the sake of the dc.

You can't force her to see him but your dh can say No at her seeing him ad hoc and insist on it being in a pattern.

I know you want him to see her but if she is told no when she just wants him on a whim or to turn up, then hopefully she'll get the message it needs to be a manageable pattern.

She wasn't raising him alone though was she it's always been 50 / 50
Now the Op and her partner are doing the lions share ,I have a severely autistic teenager and it's incredibly hard work so I understand burn out but at the end of the day you have to carry on
It's admirable the Op has taken a parental role .

With all due respect OP as I can see you are trying your best, unless you've been beaten up and abused by your child I assume daily you have not walked in her shoes. Carer burnout is real and can take a while to recover from. Whilst it's unconscionable to most people, it usually takes a lot for a mother of a vulnerable SEN child to walk away like this. If you can sit down with her to talk and get a formal plan together even for the short term and ask social services if there is any support they can give for carer burnout. You say support has been given but respite for a few days isn't going to cut it for someone who has disassociated themselves from a child - it needs specialised therapy and support.

Autism is generally recognised as genetic, I also wonder whether this could be autistic burnout?

But she was the one being subjected to violence, and if you have an involved coparent who can apparently cope better with their behaviour you may feel that is an option if you are struggling and burnt out.

I’m aware of that. Myself and my ex husband cared for my very challenging father in law, and were both diagnosed with carer burnout.

We engaged in support, we went to therapy, we spoke to the relevant services - and his care didn’t stop while that happened. We didn’t walk away, he ultimately died.

It’s different because it’s her own child, but therapy and support has been offered by various services. If I can’t make her engage in it (which I can’t), what then?

26 days out of a 31 day month isn’t a few days respite.

I’m not disputing the very clear difficulty. I’m saying, that if the difficulty isn’t being worked on or being resolved, which it’s not, what else can we do.

Thanks, I think this a sensible next step. It might help us have some consistency for my stepson, which would be a big help.

'his mother can’t or won’t see him' I think she's telling you that currently she can't and it's probably breaking her heart. You seem a bit dismissive of her '...reasons' but it's quite common for disabled children to direct nearly all their frustration at their biological mothers.

I have a child who is almost exactly how you describe (age, needs). He is very rarely violent at school, sometimes to his dad / my husband but very often to me. He's quite small for his age but he's given me a bloody nose, pulled out chunks of hair and given me need for dental restoration and I have my husband to take over when he's targeting me! I couldn't do it alone.

I think, if you are able to, you need to give her some time and space to make some decisions about how much she can realistically care for him. Do Social Care provide actual respite rather than just behavioural strategies?

There is nothing you can do other than encourage short periods of contact and build up from there. Keep social services abreast of her contact and say you think she is in burnout, they can keep offering support.

It's hard OP and I feel for you. It sounds like she'd welcome you taking control and may help her to formalise rather than anxiety that she's going to have to have longer periods of care.

Agreed there would be some very different responses and he would likely be called a waste of space etc
Mumsnet is very two faced at times.

What level of intervention is in place via social care?

I don't think the mum has completely walked away, she's not done her caring duties for, was it a month? Yeah, not great for dad and step mum (or the child probably) but she self referred to social care, has been sat in on the meetings advocating for more support, saying that she can't care unless she gets more support.

Also, it is actually harder and more dangerous for the average sized woman to face physical behaviours from their child. Again, I have a similar age/needs child as described here and DC actually charged at me the other day and knocked me over, that would never happen with my DH.

Your preaching to the converted I also have a child well teenager who is severely autistic with very complex needs
I didn't say she had completely walked away just that the responses would be very different if it was the father who wss backing away rather than the mother.

Unfortunately respite wasn’t available when the referral went in, because their view on it was that the 50% of the time either parent didn’t have him, was their respite.

It was also highlighted that because she doesn’t work and his dad does, more rest is available.

Funding is there for support, but she’d have to be present and involved in it.

Whether that’s fair or not I don’t know, but that’s what’s available at the moment.

Yes i can see their point
My son gets a good package of respite now ,( it's taken years ) but they look at what support the family has
And she was affectively only caring for him 50% of the time ,she would have a lot more free time than most parents of disabled children, I'm not saying that's right but
Respite is limited

I would like to be clear that I’m not dismissive in any way of the reasons where it comes to either of their safety, the difficulties she faces or the situation.

I am dismissive of the reasons we’re given, which is what I was referring to with “….reasons.”

Recent examples include - I’m going shopping, I’ve got a hair appointment, I’m going out with friends, I’ve got a headache, I need to buy bread, I’m well rested and don’t want to spoil it.

None of those are reasons to not have your son. There are reasons, which we’ve covered, but they’re not the ones we’re usually told, they’re covered up with things like the above and there’s very little acceptance of the reality of the situation.

I would never dismiss their wellbeing, hers included. I don’t however accept getting your hair cut instead.

I don't think Social Care are allowed to just say respite is not available or apply blanket inflexible rules. I understand their thinking that 50% custody and school offers some form of respite, but clearly - for whatever reason - his mum cannot cope with that level of caring duties. I imagine being attacked for 3 weeks of the summer holidays, just as an example, is too much for her on her own.

Could she and you/DH go back to Social Care with a united front and say that unless respite is offered, Mum is not able to care for this child. That would mean you were caring for him 100%. I mean, you probably won't be able to find childcare for him in the holidays etc. Social Services sometimes get away with not providing respite even in the most dire circumstances but occasionally if you present it as 'well the caring arrangements will break down if respite isn't provided and then you'll have to sort a much bigger care package' they seem to find something. However, as @x2boys knows, hopefully this thread won't just disintegrate into 'put him in a residential school' / 'threaten to relinquish care' because that is dehumanising and doesn't work (there are not residential school places just waiting or social care departments willing to fund them).

At the moment the focus has been on repairing and rebuilding their relationship, with support, rather than reducing the contact any further.

The aim was to build contact and put steps and interventions in to make that doable and make it work, not reduce contact further because then it’s harder to “come back from.”

The general view is that having respite within that 30-50% makes that harder and would make the custody more overwhelming because it would be more sporadic and anxiety build ups on both sides etc.

Because of the way the arrangement did work, both parents had 2-3 days break after a 2-3 day “stint,” the LA view was that that is respite - and would be either in line or more than would be available/funded.

We are her respite (which is obviously fair enough!), so they’re not currently happy to fund anymore when actually the plan is to build and not decrease.

FWIW we will absolutely not be putting him in residential. If custody plans change to 100% with some access, which isn’t what anyone wants for the child’s sake, we would look at respite or short breaks, but there will be absolutely no care order or full time living outside of the home.

in my experience, a children lashing out and being violent towards a parent, it's usually the result of feeling safe with said parent. Both of mine have SN and one is particularly violent towards me. but not towards anyone else, not dad, not in school etc. All involved incl psychiatrist and camhs agree DC does it to me only as they don't feel safe to be violent towards anyone else.

Also, if she has a proper burnout/carer burnout, then a few weeks won't make much of a difference.

I would set up a meeting with social services and discuss the best way forward. It sounds like you and DH are better equipped to look after the DC so maybe make that a formal arrangement with regular contact with mum.

It's hard parenting a autistic child and it's even harder if you are regularly subjected to attacks and violence. Child on parent violence is real.

I wouldn't expect much help with SS. Both of mine are teens and have complex needs and eldest only started getting respite at 17 - 3h per week.

I wish I could report that was the case, and I’m absolutely not saying this as any question of her parenting or how we’ve arrived here - that’s not what our professionals are saying.

What they’re unfortunately saying, is that he doesn’t appear to feel emotionally safe in the environment which is leading to anxiety lead behaviours, and because that behaviour currently cannot be addressed due to mums physical and mental condition, it’s becoming learned behaviour.

None of that is a dig, it’s what professionals and mum are saying.