SEN Child - Custody help

[StressedStepmum36]

(Name changed due to sensitive info, posting in AIBU for traffic and help!)

I’m step mum to a wonderful little boy, who my partner shares with his ex wife. He is 8 years old - they divorced when he was 2 and until the last 6 months have co-parented effectively with a 50/50 split on a week by week, pre-planned, rotation.

He has significant needs, including Autism and global delay. This affects his communication, sleep, and behaviour.

As he has grown bigger his mum, who is a single parent, has began to struggle with his needs. She reports (we’ve never seen it in person) that he is violent toward her, angry at home, and behaves terribly in her care. He does have challenges when he’s with us, but not to that level of severity.

Over the last 6months there have been various occasions where we’ve been asked to pick up extra days, support on a weekend, intervene etc. which we have done happily.

In March she self referred to social services saying she was unable to cope and can’t keep him safe. We’ve had a few meetings already and another planned soon. Those meetings have provided various strategies and links to external bodies - but the meetings to review those steps always lead to her saying they’re not being done and the steps haven’t been taken.

External help has been offered, and either refused or not acted on.

Since the start of May, she’s seen him 5 times. There hasn’t been a change to the arrangement, or even a discussion, we just get asked to keep him. So far this time it’s been a week, she had him for one night and then demanded (genuinely) that we collect him, and now she “may” have him later on this week for a bit.

Are we reasonable to assume that this could be the beginning of a formal change, either to an increased share on our side or a total change to full custody, and if so - do we ask outright or wait to be told that’s what she wants.

I’m asking this genuinely - is there a limit to how much leading the situation and taking respite there is?

Mum is leading the situation, in all manners. She is taking a fairly extended break.

At what point would you personally consider that it reflects that she doesn’t feel able to take him back, at all?

Would you get to Christmas of mum leading the situation and seeing him a few hours here and there, before you lead it or would you always do it on mums terms?

Genuinely? I would only get to September before I would want a formal, fixed arrangement in your situation and wouldn't accept it being wholly led by mum after that. You are real people too who need certainty over your lives and it's not good for a young autistic child not to know what's happening. But I would not see this as mum's fault at all and I would give her quite a lot of grace until then.

Yes, but she is alone in that household, there is a huge difference. Sorry, but what is this "if it was a father" bullcrap? What has to do with it? If it was a father who was struggling, I would say exactly the same thing, what difference does it make?

September would see us through the summer holidays too, which at the moment look like they’ll be an absolute nightmare.

Thanks, we are real people and as much as I absolutely acknowledge the difficulties mum faces and have said that a few times, it’s not like the impact of all of this doesn’t affect anyone else.

You say that now now I can guarantee if the sex,s were reversed
The Dad would be called all the names under the sun ,there would be no empathy or understanding, I have seen it on countless threads.

Oh give it up and stop derailing. You've said this several times and pp including me have said that's not true.

I mean, in fairness - there have been instances in this thread where that’s happened.

Someone suggested that dad wanted to give mum less money, somehow.

A few have also said he should “step up,” despite him having already stepped up.

I’ve been accused of making myself and my partner the “good guys,” despite this not being about good or bad, it’s still absolutely inconceivable that a dad could be doing the right thing.

Me saying that I don’t think mum will be able to handle more custody in the long run has lead to some saying “neither” parent wants the child. I’ve never said anyone doesn’t want him, but I definitely have never suggested his father doesn’t want any level of access, regardless of how much.

I won’t lose any sleep over it but there have been cases where somehow, if anyone had to be in the wrong, it had to be us and his father could be somehow “doing more.”

But she doesn’t have to be alone as the LA will offer a carer? Also do you really expect OP and her OH to BOTH be 100% for all their time with the child? That’s so unrealistic - presumably they both have paid unemployment and have lives and interests too.

Would his Mum video call him or send voice or video messages in between visits? 16 days is a long time and I agree a predictable routine would be much better for him if you can get her to have a conversation about it.

Possibly she's anxious about having him after the previous incidents or has lost confidence? "I'm getting my hair done" isn't going to be the real reason, otherwise she would say "but I'm free tomorrow" or similar.

She doesn’t have to be alone.

PP is also correct. There are 2 of us here but we’re not both with him all the time. I occasionally travel home to see my family for a few days, and then he’s 1:1.

During the evening, I do housework, make food, whatever while he meets his needs. We’re not both always sat over him.

Where it is different, is that when he does escalate he has 2 adults here who can either both attend to that, or swap so one person isn’t handling it all. He doesn’t escalate as far, because he’s 2:1 when heightened and we can do that here.

We do bedtime in shifts. We do wake ups in the night in shifts. We’re both fed, because one of us can cook whilst the other is with him.

We do however both work full time, after those tiring nights, and can’t go back to bed. Mum can.

Mum absolutely has it harder in many ways, he’s very full on and things like night wake ups and her eating are harder to manage. He bangs on the door while she’s in the bathroom, he doesn’t do that here because the other takes over.

No doubt whatsoever that it’s harder. But I would reiterate that a second person, round the clock, has been offered so that things like the above can be managed. With that second person, she’d be in the same position we are.

Neither, currently.

In those 16 days (or the 8 we’re up to now), she doesn’t ask how he is or answer update messages we sent her. We sent a picture of him on a slide on Monday, no response.

I think as someone said previously, due to the circumstances, she’s disassociated from the situation and from him.

Honestly OP having read the thread I think st this point you need to lay down a schedule, accept he is with you 100% of the time and just say on x day at x time you can see him. Maybe offer 2 afternoons after school and 1 weekend dates. BUT work on the assumption she won't have him.

Unfortunately this is awful for the little boy who obviously misses mum. I think keep it simple with him, get school to help with a social story. Mum is busy/poorly/tired/resting. Honestly dont know what the best thing to say is, again speak to school and maybe CAMHS to see what they suggest.

She clearly cant cope. Re the PA are they expecting her to find, hire and sort them? My local authority expects us to do all s this and employ them via personal budget.. this may be something she cant manage at the moment.

I DO have sympathy for her as its hard, I also think it doesn't sound like she has much of a life, her parents pay for everything? But dont offer practical support? Thos scenario of her parents bank rolling makes me wonder about her own possible disabilities and issues tbh.

But ultimately thank God this boy has you and dad to step up and be consistent for him.

And please tell me what local authority you are in btw as I am solo parent (court ordered no contact with dad for 7 yrs). I have 3 children at home, all 3 autistic adhd and the youngest is pda with complex needs and NO school in the county to meet needs, so it's all on me. Have had to be signed off work, am getting zero support. And literally begging and trying all ways of getting it.

But basically they see 2 older kids attending school and college, study house, children who are well looked after and they dont care that I am on my knees and the whole family suffers because of my youngests needs.

For context at a recent hospital app it took 3 adults to restrain him to get him in car, I ended up with black eye, scratches etc. At hospital they had MDT meeting and called ethics team to decide if they should go ahead with procedures as he was so distressed . He needed mri, lumbar puncture, eeg. In the end they had hospital security guards on standby whilst I held him down with a friend (both restraint trained) so anesthetist could do injection of ketamine so we could safely get him to theatre to then put him under with general anesthetic. It ess hideous. Hospital did a safeguarding referal as they said it was not ok that i get zero support. But still nothing. If I could just have a pa a couple of evenings or something once a week, not even overnight just a bit of help.

Anyway I wish you luck op.

@Madthings In my (albeit very limited) experience you get the help when you ring and say I can’t cope, they need to go into care. I’ve known parents not collect from school.

That sounds horrific i got respite through early help ,we had to have a social worker assessment and it went to panel I get two over nights a month ,,five hours every other Saturday in a special needs club and a day a week in the same club every school holiday
It took years though .

That's not great advice tbh
There are thousands of families up and down the country in the same boat ,there isn't enough foster carers equipped to meet the needs of complex needs kids ,the care would be questionable at best

I’m not suggesting that’s what she does - what I mean once you say you can’t cope and you are prioritised for support as the LA will view a support package as preferable to care.

Those who left their kids at school are another story - but they’ve done so because they’re at the end of their tether and only then have the LA stepped up.

You would think that but when my sons package of respite care was agreed we still had a very long waiting list ti access it during that time my oldest son had a medical emergency and was critically ill for a period of time and my sons respite was apparently pushed to the top of the list
But it must have been at least six months ubtill we could access it .

I couldn't do this as he is NOT in school, hasn't been since last sept, was part time before that. Now no school to meet needs and he gets 1 hr per week when someone comes round, they play, do crafts but i haveto be here thats the 'education ' county are providing. Have done section 19, have done formal complaints. We are supposedly going to get eotas....

My child has a spiky cognitive profile, is very verbal but pda means extreme behaviours, high anxiety and his sensory profile plus tics and absence seizures means ge us a complex little boy. Well he is 9, so not so little.

I havr saud I want a section 17 assessment done, I even rang CADS line, the parent carers assessment done then offered me a 6 week online course in parent carer resilience... I run 20 miles a week, have an ice bath in my garden I use and do yoga/pilates etc. I run when he sleeps... I do all the right things in terms of trying to look after myself, but ultimately I need a break and HE NEEDS other adults, other opportunities, he is missing out and it's not fair.

Sorry derailing your thread. But I am glad to read thst in some counties there is support available. I will keep fighting to get support myself.

I think this will also be my problem. The latest medical, ed psych assessment on my child detwil very specific, all adults caring for him must have specific training etc. It's going to be very hard to find anywhere/anyone suitable.

Sorry to hear that @x2boys like I say my experience is limited to my own SDC and their peers, my close friends.

She’s ’bankrolled’ by parents as their original plan was for her to be a SAMH, until my partner left, and then when they separated my stepsons needs had already been identified so she hasn’t returned to work.

Can’t say I blame her for that, his needs are tough and she has the option to not work where she doesn’t feel able to. Her parents want her to have the flexibility and not rely on the state - fair enough.

I genuinely wouldn’t worry about the “no life” element. In the 50% of time that was available she plays various sports and has a wide circle. Again, no shade there - we all need other hobbies outside of children.

The support is available at this level because the referral paperwork all clearly says, in these terms, that if mum didn’t receive support to improve the situation she’d give him up, and we would require input to manage his needs and get some respite.

Crudely, they’d be paying someone for something, and have gone down the route of paying, but aiming to keep a relationship with mum. That just looks increasingly less likely.

I would stop posting. You are coming across very badly. You clearly dislike her. This is not a thread about custody for the little boy but a sequence of awfully judgemental comments about someone who is clearly not very well and not coping with the challenges in her personal life!

The Op isn't coming across badly, ,some posters however are so determined mothers can do noʻ wrong that they are twisting the narrative at every turn.

What in that was an indicator I didn’t like her?

Was it the part where I said I don’t blame her for not working under the circumstances, and her parents supporting that is helpful?

Or the part where I said she’s able to have a full social life, and I’m pleased about that because it helps give balance?

The part where I said we’d need respite - which we do need?

Or the part where indicated LA’s decide how and where best to spend their funds? Which.. they do?

You’re picking issues out of thin air.