SEN Child - Custody help

[StressedStepmum36]

(Name changed due to sensitive info, posting in AIBU for traffic and help!)

I’m step mum to a wonderful little boy, who my partner shares with his ex wife. He is 8 years old - they divorced when he was 2 and until the last 6 months have co-parented effectively with a 50/50 split on a week by week, pre-planned, rotation.

He has significant needs, including Autism and global delay. This affects his communication, sleep, and behaviour.

As he has grown bigger his mum, who is a single parent, has began to struggle with his needs. She reports (we’ve never seen it in person) that he is violent toward her, angry at home, and behaves terribly in her care. He does have challenges when he’s with us, but not to that level of severity.

Over the last 6months there have been various occasions where we’ve been asked to pick up extra days, support on a weekend, intervene etc. which we have done happily.

In March she self referred to social services saying she was unable to cope and can’t keep him safe. We’ve had a few meetings already and another planned soon. Those meetings have provided various strategies and links to external bodies - but the meetings to review those steps always lead to her saying they’re not being done and the steps haven’t been taken.

External help has been offered, and either refused or not acted on.

Since the start of May, she’s seen him 5 times. There hasn’t been a change to the arrangement, or even a discussion, we just get asked to keep him. So far this time it’s been a week, she had him for one night and then demanded (genuinely) that we collect him, and now she “may” have him later on this week for a bit.

Are we reasonable to assume that this could be the beginning of a formal change, either to an increased share on our side or a total change to full custody, and if so - do we ask outright or wait to be told that’s what she wants.

It's also known that children with severe mental impairment, which it sounds like this child has don't have the ability to mask as its just not something they understood.

Great them offering support in the morning before school and after before bed because these times can be flash points, but is it enough to manage the reality.

Her parents are going to support at night? Are they actually effective at supporting her and will they continue this every night that she has him for years? Remember they are getting older and sleepless nights with challenging behaviour may continue even with medication. If he wakes in the night and is hard to manage this may be a reason why she feels it is not enough support for the reality of the situation.

What about holidays when he is not in school will it be all day then and not just around school hours?

How long is the support proposed to continue for? Will it be withdrawn after a set period of time as budget cuts are made leaving her with an older stronger child and no practical support? I am not surprised she is wary tbh.

If she is as burnt out as she sounds then shorter contact periods after school or at the weekend with the PA supporting and no overnights sounds like a possible starting point to re-initiate some positive contact time for the both of them. A hard situation for all.

He doesn’t have the regulation or emotional understanding and maturity to mask. His emotions are what they are, and they’re expressed completely freely.

The offer from her parents was to pay for private care during the night, rather than do it themselves - as you mention, they’re not able to do it personally.

Weekends and holidays would be all day support, after school would be a few hours.

Your suggestion about possible contact sounds like a decent place to start, thank you.

Yes my sons the same.

I agree.

I think you're marvellous OP. Right now you're more important to this boy than his mum because you're the on who's actually there for him.
As for Camsh- why can't the boy's father enroll him into treatment? Is the mum opposing it even if she isn't the one taking him? And what does SS say about that?
It all depends though. My son who is cognitively more advanced but autistic all the same has never been "helped". He resented the weekly meetings with specialists and they gave up on him. He's 15 now and quite hard to live with tbh. If he would have been more severely autistic I think they could have helped him because he wouldn't have refused help.

I started typing out this big response about why certain offered support is not always that supportive and about possible reasons his mum might be so-called refusing to engage but then I thought, it doesn't really matter, does it? For whatever reason if she can't cope, despite the (quite high level) support offered, she can't cope.

I also think from her behaviour she is hoping you'll take 100% custody with some access without actually having to say it.

Also, I don't believe that severely learning disabled children can't mask, ever. I thought that was a myth that had been dispelled?

Yes - my DH has asked for respite, he only has his daughter for three days/nights every other week but his Mum has respite every day - she is not expected to go a full day with her daughter. At home she also has 2:1 carers morning and evening. So Mum has very little contact time although she is the primary carer.

Despite this, they say my husbands time is considered “quality time” which stings a bit as he’d be able to have his daughter more if the conditions were replicated in each household (neither parent is single, both have other children of similar ages).

CAHMs recommendation is that EVERY carer gets a break each day - and 2:1 supervision, it’s frustrating. That’s why I said upthread be careful about telling social services you’re doing brilliantly as they’re quick to close a case.

My child is low functioning. ASD and severe mental impairment. Master of masking.

You might change your mind when you have an aggressive child who can overpower you in a headlock whilst yanking hair from your scalp.

I have been beaten, bitten, hairs ripped out etc by my disabled and violent teen. Thanks for the patronising crap. I still would not want anyone supervising in our own home.

I’ve read most of your updates OP. It sounds incredibly frustrating. I think you need to set aside what you think Mum ought to be doing - you’re not and you can come to a multitude of conclusions that won’t help you practically.

I wonder if Mum is just taking an out and TBH your DC being with you is perfect for her, he’s not in danger, he’s in a loving environment and she isn’t bearing the brunt of his care. In many ways I don’t blame her. She’s only doing what many bio parents of NT parents do and picking and choosing when she has her child. I agree the tone of the thread would be different if this were a father.

Mum must have been in pretty dire circumstances to get the level of social services support and intervention she has. My DC had to hospitalise two of their siblings to get the support they do. When Mum was single and getting beaten daily there was no contact respite at all - just courses.

Sorry if I sounded patronising. I just can’t relate my SDC’s Mum does because she has other children to keep safe - not every situation is the same. We could not keep our respective children safe in either home with only one adult present. My DH would love an extra person so he could take his daughter out it’s just not possible now for him. She has 2:1 in all settings, including carers in the home.

Thank you, that’s really kind.

We have CAMHS involvement for him already, the intervention that was put in place was for her - support and training around his most common behaviours and what to do with them.

The sessions are for her to attend, without him, to get help. We were asked to go as support, and have been - once it was just us and then the others have been cancelled as she couldn’t attend.

I know in my situ that CAHMs wouldn’t progress their help until the parenting courses were completed - so it was an obstacle later on that my SDC’s Mum hadn’t done them. Worth considering.

I think that’s a possibility, there’s comments in official reports about us offering a secure environment with a nuclear family set up, us having both of us available to support each other and him, him needing a male influence he doesn’t get with her.

They’re not my words, they’re her comments.

To be honest it just makes me sad. I didn’t come into his life with the intention of replacing anyone, or becoming a surrogate mother. He has one, and as far as I’m concerned that always will and should be her. I love that little boy to death, but he’s not mine and I’ll never be able to replace his real mother - nor would or should I ever even want to.

I wanted him, not that it’s mine to want, to have both parents and then some bonus people in his circle, that I was always happy to be. But never as an “instead” option. Ever.

I don't want to be rude but it's quite clear that you do believe his mother is, at least partially, to blame. You've stated he's not violent in any other settings, he can't mask and that it's because he isn't emotionally safe at his mum's and she won't engage in support. You have even half insinuated what she's saying isn't real: 'She reports (we’ve never seen it in person)'.

It doesn't surprise me that you're a professional in the field; I'm sorry but this is literally straight from the playbook of some schools and SEN support services. You just have to look at Not Fine In School etc to see how common this is (yes, even in children with learning disabilities). I too am a SEND professional as well as a parent carer and have seen it from both sides. I know so many families where a very similar scenario of parent blame has played out.

You've basically positioned yourself as the good side of the family - doing all the right things, engaging with whatever is offered and she is the bad side - not engaging, 'walking away' from her child. It seems really unfair.

• 'She reports (we’ve never seen it in person)'
• 'He does have challenges when he’s with us, but not to that level of severity.'
• 'External help has been offered, and either refused or not acted on.'
• 'I’ll be honest the conversations that do happen are quite heated'
• 'I absolutely believe that his behaviour is different at mums - he has less boundaries there' (although you go on to say this is unavoidable due to lack of male presence, you clearly believe he is violent to her due to lack of boundaries).
• 'Where I struggle, on a personal and professional level - is that she’s not doing the things that have been suggested. She won’t engage with CAMHS, or attend the courses offered,'
• 'our last LA meeting asked (and she’d been asked previously), if MH support was required and could they help organise it. She said no, because she knows what her ‘problem’ is.' Can you not see how difficult it is to go to social services for a child who is attacking you, for it to be suggested you're mentally ill??
• 'I can’t imagine genuinely why someone wouldn’t want their own 8 year old - difficult or otherwise.' This is a really unfair statement, he's hurting her and himself in the process, not you. You know what you're saying with this statement.
• 'We engaged in support, we went to therapy, we spoke to the relevant services - and his care didn’t stop while that happened. We didn’t walk away'
• 'That would begin with engaging in the support that’s being offered.' 'The support isn’t working because she’s not engaging in it'
• 'He doesn’t have the regulation or emotional understanding and maturity to mask.'

I’m stating the facts, you don’t have to like them.

The situation at his mums is difficult. Because it is difficult it is harder to manage, and that’s aggravated by the fact there is one of her.

The support has been offered, and hasn’t been engaged with yet.

The many, many, documents and paperwork around it say the things I’ve been saying. I’m not making them up, they’re things that have been said and reported.

The child nearly died, not because of anything that is her fault but because the situation is absolutely untenable, she was by herself and couldn’t respond quickly enough to prevent it, and because support wasn’t available when it was needed.

At absolutely no point have I said that she’s to blame, or that she’s wrong to feel or experience the things she does.

The situation is difficult, for everyone - including my stepson, who doesn’t understand it. The solution may be that there’s a change to his living arrangement, but that is horrendously sad for him, and I’m allowed to acknowledge that.

I’m not the good guy here, and she isn’t the bad guy. Everyone is managing something absolutely awful, and whether you think I’m being harsh or not, I don’t believe that giving your son up should be an expected outcome. I am very surprised that other people do.

Now kindly, you did mean to be rude, and I’d ask you politely not to be.

The child nearly died because things can't go on in the situation but you want her to have your stepson more despite it clearly being against her wishes?

It's things like saying 'she reports (we've never seen it in person)' and then later that the child nearly died. There is no need for that phrasing. It's the same with 'refused', I've seen 'mum refused' on paperwork when the request from LA was unlawful or not physically possible. It paints a different picture.

She wouldn't just be having the child in her own though would she by all.accounts tons,of support would be put in place so she's never alone with him .

He’d like to see her more? This isn’t about what I want, or my partner - it’s about that child. With the right support around her to enable it to happen, yes I’d like him to see the mum he’s asking for.

We’ve never seen it in person, because I don’t live there. We’ve seen a difference in behaviour at drop off and collection but nothing severe. That doesn’t mean it’s not happening, it means I don’t live in her house?

I think if you’re being offered support, say you want it and can physically do it and then don’t engage, you are refusing. Again, that’s just a shit fact. It’s not awkward or unnecessary phrasing, she does refuse to go.

There are reasons for that refusal, most of them around feeling able/ready, or the impact the whole thing is having on her wellbeing.

But I don’t know how or why wanting someone to engage with a support system that will help re-engage with their son is unreasonable or unkind. Unless what we’re saying is that it’s okay to not do that and ultimately end up not seeing your child, in which case I disagree.

I know it’s by the by, but I think all children must face challenges to some degree by living in different homes part of the time - nevermind for children with SEN and limited capacity to understand what’s going on. I’m not really convinced that shared custody is in the child’s bests interests a lot of the time - even though I can see the obvious benefits to the carers.

Personally think a decent relationship can be maintained with contact that doesn’t necessarily have to mean overnights.

Must be horrible for this Mum to have everyone, including her ex husband's new wife, sat around talking about / reporting her situation in these terms and she gets to go home and be attacked by her son while everyone analyses whether or not she should be able to cope with the support she has been given.

I bet she she just feels like giving up.

We’re sat around talking about it because she asked us to. We’re in the meetings because we were invited. We’re asking her to engage with even some of the support as that’s what firstly, she said she wanted, and secondly, helps her son to be able to see her.

I will not be made to be the bad guy for advocating for a child who needs his mum, or for asking someone to help that be able to happen.

I don’t know why you think I’m the bad guy, but I’m not the enemy here.