SEN Child - Custody help

[StressedStepmum36]

(Name changed due to sensitive info, posting in AIBU for traffic and help!)

I’m step mum to a wonderful little boy, who my partner shares with his ex wife. He is 8 years old - they divorced when he was 2 and until the last 6 months have co-parented effectively with a 50/50 split on a week by week, pre-planned, rotation.

He has significant needs, including Autism and global delay. This affects his communication, sleep, and behaviour.

As he has grown bigger his mum, who is a single parent, has began to struggle with his needs. She reports (we’ve never seen it in person) that he is violent toward her, angry at home, and behaves terribly in her care. He does have challenges when he’s with us, but not to that level of severity.

Over the last 6months there have been various occasions where we’ve been asked to pick up extra days, support on a weekend, intervene etc. which we have done happily.

In March she self referred to social services saying she was unable to cope and can’t keep him safe. We’ve had a few meetings already and another planned soon. Those meetings have provided various strategies and links to external bodies - but the meetings to review those steps always lead to her saying they’re not being done and the steps haven’t been taken.

External help has been offered, and either refused or not acted on.

Since the start of May, she’s seen him 5 times. There hasn’t been a change to the arrangement, or even a discussion, we just get asked to keep him. So far this time it’s been a week, she had him for one night and then demanded (genuinely) that we collect him, and now she “may” have him later on this week for a bit.

Are we reasonable to assume that this could be the beginning of a formal change, either to an increased share on our side or a total change to full custody, and if so - do we ask outright or wait to be told that’s what she wants.

I disagree. I think her posts are dripping with judgement for the mother of the boy. You may disagree, I think it's awful how she writes about her and FWIW, we only have the OP's side of things.

Well obviously we do it's a forum ,any thread like this we only have one side of the story ,but you have to take it at face value otherwise people just make stuff up.

That's a really useful post from someone who has had a similar experience and definitely worth thinking about, rather than later on down the line. Nobody knows the future and there's parental responsibility on both sides but it is worth considering all angles before being defacto forced in 100 percent care.
None of the answers are easy here and ultimately you can't control what the child's Mum decides to do. Only you can know what is most important for you and your family but you owe it to yourself to think about all scenarios as fully as you can.

@OrangePineapple25 Wishing you well and hoping for an easier future for you one day.

I think you’re choosing to not believe when I say that I understand her difficulties, appreciate why she wouldn’t work in that situation and see a benefit to her not being trapped in the house.

You’re choosing not to believe that either because stepmums must be evil, or because only mums can struggle.

Whatever the reason, I’m not really interested, you can either believe my genuine comments about understanding her situation, or not. It doesn’t actually change any of the facts.

I think people are being unnecessarily harsh here. What I am hearing from @StressedStepmum36 is frustration at not being able to do more to help her step-son and improve the situation for all.

Yes his Mum is struggling that much is clear, but from what OP has described this little boy's needs are significant and even with two people it is a lot to manage at times whilst both people work full time.

@StressedStepmum36 have you considered accepting some support the council has offered for the time his is with you? Firstly it will allow a relationship to build up between him and any PA's so that if they do end supporting with Mum they will be better placed to assist with any de-escalation of more distressed behaviours. Secondly his father and you would possibly also get some respite and time together. The longer he is with you, with all the night waking and other demands the more tired you two will both get.

It seems to me that you’re struggling to believe the truth in what OP is saying so have decided it’s not a true representation.

A few thoughts:
As with all social media, there are always unpleasant ignorant people on here who just want the airtime.
From professional and lived experience, you and your partner are nothing but commendable in all this. The minority of men step up in such situations and the majority of partners would run for the hills.
Cutting through all the stuff I see two priorities for the TAC to resolve. The first is to keep your stepson safe. The second is to provide the necessary support for both sets of parents to do that. The support needs on your side are different and currently less than his mum's but that can and will change.
The blessing for your stepson is that he's not solely dependant on his mum for that care. It would be a much bleaker situation for him in that case. I do hope you get a resolution soon that works for you all.

Thank you, yeah we could definitely do with some support.

We’ve only had funding for 1 PA signed off, and he is in a lot of ways a 2:1 child - that’s how it was signed off, because mum wasn’t 2:1.

Our concern would be that would make us 3:1, which wouldn’t be helpful, and that 1 person can’t take him out independently as that wouldn’t meet his ratio. We’d rather that was available for mum to use so that she could have some valuable time in a playground or whatever, with the support she needs.

In terms of the short breaks access to clubs, absolutely - we’ll mention that at the next meeting, or my OH will.

If we do end up with full time, or even close to it with the occasional after school with mum, we will need respite. My OH has health conditions of his own, we have busy jobs and lives, and sustaining the level of care that is needed 100% of the time would require some respite or support, somehow.

I would hope the response would actually be similar 'if it was a man', all else being equal. It is vanishingly rare that mothers start to reduce contact with their children and much more common for men to reduce contact for whatever reason. It is also different for women facing violence from their children - like I said upthread, when my primary aged child charged at me, they knocked me over, there is very little chance my husband would be knocked over in those circumstances. A mum coping with violence is realistically going to have to admit earlier that they can't cope.

The people criticising OP are probably not 'unpleasant ignorant people', they have a different perspective based on their own experiences. There are lots of families of disabled children where all kinds of things have been flung at them in impossible situations and some of what OP is insinuating will feel very familiar. Some of the language used is literally all over notes of families and a lot of it is not a fair reflection: 'mum has refused', 'mum will not engage', 'mum reports x but this has not been observed', 'difference in presentation between setting and home', and 21st century equivalent of hysteria 'mum is anxious'.

I understand what you’re saying, that certain language carries certain connotations but some of it is just true sometimes.

If a child presents one way at home, and another at school, there is a difference in presentation.

If someone is given support but doesn’t engage in it, and yes there are often complex reasons for that, they’re not engaging in it.

I’m not “insinuating” anything, I’ve said in numerous places that mum isn’t engaging because it’s overwhelming, and that behaviour is different because x, y, z. That it’s more difficult for her because of… etc.

Spades are spades and facts are facts. You cannot seriously be blaming me for the way other people perceive the actual facts I’m laying out, based on their own experiences outside of this one.

I am not responsible for how someone else perceives my language because of their experience that I’ve had absolutely no involvement in.

Then why say in your OP 'mum reports (but we've never seen it in person)' when you know for a fact it has happened (I.e. both mum and child had been injured)?

Yes it's factually true but you know it presents completely differently to 'the child is violent to his mum but not to us'. You are clearly an intelligent person who works in SEND, you know the way this works.

Because I don’t live in her house, and therefore haven’t seen it. It happens, because I absolutely believe it does, when it’s just the two of them.

The violence we’re talking about is hair pulling, and biting that doesn’t break the skin. There are no marks, and mum knows how to get out of a hair pulling and biting because I showed her while we wait for some formal training. He also slaps, which again doesn’t leave a mark.

I haven’t seen that behaviour there, and he doesn’t hair pull or bite here. I’ve seen attempts to do that behaviour, but it’s always avoided/diverted. I can’t help having training that his mum doesn’t, and I have tried to give her it.

I can’t just make up having seen or experienced something to make you feel better.

The child’s injury was shown to us, but to be clear absolutely wasn’t as a result of violence. He eloped, twice, the first time he got lost and the second he ended up in a very dangerous situation, and was injured both by that incident and when he was taken out of it.

I’m not using language to vilify anyone, I’m using it because it is accurate and true, and thats how I communicate those facts.

@StressedStepmum36 I think ultimately there's going to be people who come to these threads with their own biased views and will put more or less weight on the word choices the OP used or didn't as "evidence" for their own mindset. Few people experience caring for kids with special needs everyday and even fewer with those who exhibit violence to their caretaker everyday

At the heart of there is a child who is missing his Mum and probably not really understanding why he's where he is or how to change it. There's the OP and husband who are trying to do the best for him and hoping to find a way to improve the situation for the better with his Mum.

Raking over who said what, why they said it in that way and if they exactly understand the mum isn't going to resolve this, so I just applaud everyone who is trying to do their best in a very difficult and sad situation. Gender of the parent who is struggling and disengaged shouldn't matter, so it's irrelevant to the problem.

My advice stands as keep trying to put the child's needs and wishes first as much as possible. Try to facilitate as supportive atmosphere for the mum, within her capacity to care and see if she will change her mind to engage with support at a later date if she can't do it now. Try to make sure you have as much support in place for you and your husband, so that your caring role is as robust as possible, if it does turn into 100 percent care.

It's a hard enough job to care for children who have extra challenges so I would ignore the people who just don't get it or are here to do a forensic assessment of the thread. Good on you both for caring enough to search for new ideas and good luck to you all.

I’d also note it’s very easy to judge OP, but ultimately she is the one picking up the pieces here and taking on a huge caring responsibility. The failure by some to recognise this and their insistence on finding fault is quite astonishing.

I'm not sure it is all that easy to judge the OP. There have been lots of automatic responses of 'poor you', 'you sound amazing' etc.

I'd also hope it is the Dad who is mostly the one 'picking up the pieces' to be honest.

@SomethingInnocuousForNow except Dad doing the bulk is not what OP has described. They sound very much like a team and also sounds like Dad couldn’t do it alone - as Mum can’t.

I don’t mean to state the obvious- we live in the same house.

Should I be ignoring the child and his needs, because he’s certifiably not mine? Sorry kid, no cuddles for you when you’re sad, ask your dad because you’ve never been in my uterus?

That would be absolutely weird behaviour.

I don’t know what your problem is at this point. It’s like you think that people shouldn’t be compassionate to anyone except his mum, and seem to be insinuating that either my partner should somehow do more, or I should do less for the child.

We do not and will not offer him less. We work together to meet his very complex needs in the best way we can. We don’t deserve a medal for that, but definitely shouldn’t be getting told off for it either.

@StressedStepmum36 people don’t recognise that with step children it’s not just the physical care of the child.

You can support their parent by taking on more of the burden of the household to enable the parent to provide that care. If you’re absorbing more of the load of the house, shopping, making meals, washing, changing beds, cleaning etc ALL those things are part of “caring” for a child - just like bio kids. It’s not ALL who is wiping their arses.

It’s totally ignorant to think that some of that load isn’t transferred to a step parent who’s living in the same house. Even if they aren’t sharing the arse wiping 50:50. Which tbh sounds like you are!

Funnily enough, the only two things I don’t do are changing pads and bathing.

Not because I wouldn’t, but because that’s very intimate care and we can’t ask him if he’s comfortable with that. He’s 8, he maybe would only want his dad to do that level of care, and since there’s no way of checking - we err on the side of caution and I don’t do it.

Cue someone telling me I’m somehow shit because they don’t think it’s reasonable for me to give him a bit of dignity 😂.

Takes a special kind of person to be so hell bent on finding fault with someone who steps up to meet the challenging needs of a child that’s not theirs. To the extent that they’re even decided not to have their own children because it’s not in the best interests of the child….

Says more about you than the person you’re seeking to discredit.

I’d lose sleep about it if I had any sleep to lose 😂

Agreed it's hard work looking after child with complex disabilities,I love my son unconditionally but it's not without its challenges and I have day's when it all seems to much
I think it's commendable that the Op.Is stepping up.for her step child not many people would take on full care of complex needs child that isn't theirs
I bet non of the the posters criticising the Op would do it.