Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

[Becwi]

My boyfriends 40th Birthday is coming up shortly.
I Had messaged his mum to see if she had organised something, however after not hearing back after a few days presumed she hadn’t. So I organised a surprise to do something and invite along lots of his friends, She messaged me back 2 weeks later and said yes, on the date I had planned too. I explained that because I hadn’t heard back I’d planned something.
Shes then rang my boyfriend shouting about it, not once confronted me about it.
I said don’t worry I’ll cancel what I’d planned to stop any drama and caused arguments with me and my boyfriend.
so fast forward 6 days before, I get a message from his friends girlfriend asking me what I’m wearing, what the plans are after his party. I know nothing about this party!
i haven’t mentioned it to my boyfriend because I don’t want to ruin his birthday, upset him or cause drama.
AIBU for being so annoyed and so upset about no invitation?

Your boyfriend sounds like a big baby.

Did your MIL not tell you the location amd time in case you blabbed and snitched on this dodgy 40 year old man child's weird surprise?
Maybe she thinks you cannot hold your own water and blab?
Maybe she thinks you are late to every event and she wants him to be on time?
Maybe it's a storm in a teacup and MIL assumes you will be with him and join the surprise?
IDK ?
Or maybe, just Maybe, this is all a bit strange and you need to have a rethink about the fact he's attached to apron strings here?
MIL sounds a bit crackers to me tbh 🤦‍♀️
Maybe he's loving all the fuss and attention, as she's never done anything like this for him before?

You know what would be really wild?!
Communication! 😆
I cannot understand why you haven't just rang or knocked at her house and spoke to this woman about this?
Are you a shy person OP? Do you hate confrontation 🫂 My MIL was a shy lady, but we always communicated 💕

Please speak to the mates GF, and find out the time and location.
And also speak to MIL and your own BF and make sure you attend if that's what you really want.
And if you do attend, make sure you look and feel fabulous.

Hugs to you 🫂

This needs sorted one way or another here I think, I'd just ask message her and just remind her casually that she hasn't told you where you have to be or when, you'll know what you need to do next based on her reaction

True, sounds like she planned it after OP asked her if she was planning one.

He needs to put boundaries in place OP.

As others have said, you're his plus one, so you go with him.

Why not just tell your BF that you’re not involved in any plans for the date he has been told to keep free?

YANBU! (I pressed the wrong button!)

She sounds ghastly. Have you had issues with her before?

IMO, the weirdest thing about this situation is why on earth is the mum organising a birthday party for a 40 year old adult man who has a longterm partner and plenty of friends ?!?

This ^
Does he still live with mummy?

Just go with him. If she is weird about it or says there isn't space for you or something it is the perfect opportunity to publically show her weird behaviour for what it is. 'Sorry Jackie - I just assumed you expected us to come together, I've never heard of a birthday party where a long term partner wasn't invited. I'm sure someone won't show up so there will be plenty of room.' Said with a very confused expression.

It's concerning that the mum does not think her son would not blow up upon discovering his gf was not invited.
I would rethink the relationship- it all sounds very "red flag". Does she have someone else in mind for him?

Also you definitely should not have cancelled your event - play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

MIL's clear sabotage of OP aside, I've never heard of a mother organising her son's 40th?!?! Isn't it usually the other way round? He's 40 not 4!

Isn’t this just a case of at some stage he will say Mum has invited us out for a meal on my birthday - you both go and surprise it’s a party ?

So he know when it is. You make plans with him and you'll be with him when he's wheeled in for the surprise.

I agree the whole MIL thing sounds weird

It still sounds weird to me. Maybe I really do just have limited exposure but I can't imagine a 60-80 year old mother planning a birthday party for her 40 year old adult son, including inviting his friends etc. A party with just family or family friends I kind of get though, like a family thing.

I’d just turn up to the party (get the details from the friend who told you about) and if she says anything just say “I assumed you’d just forgotten to mention it. Of course I’m here, I’m his girlfriend!”

She’s not replying to any messages I’ve sent

I couldn’t be involved with anyone with a mother like this. He let his mother over rule you, cancel the plans and mess his friends around all go please his mother.

Just go with him.
Get dressed, do your makeup, do your hair and arrive on his arm with a massive smile on your face.
If it’s ever hinted at that you weren’t invited, act like it’s so completely bizarre and wild that you wouldn’t be invited to your own boyfriends 40th that it never ever occurred to you.
Then tell him EVERYTHING afterwards.

Given it's a 40th, his mum is likely 60+ , have you not considered they grew up in an era you actually spoke in person or shock horror picked up the phone and rang and asked.
(also of that age, and no I am not glued to my phone, am at work and the phone is in the depths of my bag on silent till I check which won't be before lunchtime if that - we are busy today)

He knows I’m not. I asked him yesterday if he’d spoken with her and any idea of what was happening.

Yeah maybe she's planning on surprising you as well in case you blab to him?

If they'd agreed beforehand she'd plan his surprise (as weird as that is), I can see why she was taken aback / pissed off by your message. Maybe that's why she replied your first message late – she possibly hadn't gotten round to planning it yet but was still going to, and she wasn't sure what you wanted out of this. And for the second message I'd be going thru my family member too honestly not the gf. Giving her the benefit of the doubt ofc. She could just be crazy.

No, we’ve always had a good relationship and helped each other with tough times.

Bf needs to ask his mum why she hasn’t contacted you about all this as at the moment it sounds like she isn’t inviting you and he’s not interested in it if you’re not.

No

Just call your MIL and speak to her…..