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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

454 replies

Becwi · 28/05/2025 07:20

My boyfriends 40th Birthday is coming up shortly.
I Had messaged his mum to see if she had organised something, however after not hearing back after a few days presumed she hadn’t. So I organised a surprise to do something and invite along lots of his friends, She messaged me back 2 weeks later and said yes, on the date I had planned too. I explained that because I hadn’t heard back I’d planned something.
Shes then rang my boyfriend shouting about it, not once confronted me about it.
I said don’t worry I’ll cancel what I’d planned to stop any drama and caused arguments with me and my boyfriend.
so fast forward 6 days before, I get a message from his friends girlfriend asking me what I’m wearing, what the plans are after his party. I know nothing about this party!
i haven’t mentioned it to my boyfriend because I don’t want to ruin his birthday, upset him or cause drama.
AIBU for being so annoyed and so upset about no invitation?

OP posts:
PhilippaGeorgiou · 28/05/2025 07:46

Becwi · 28/05/2025 07:31

Nearly 3 years

Show quote history

That's an expansive answer to all of the questions asked.

In all of this, why haven't you spoken to your "boyfriend" - after 3 years it seems like that is the person I'd be talking to and not his mum.

KumquatHigh · 28/05/2025 07:47

Sauvin · 28/05/2025 07:42

But you know there’s a party and you know when it is. I don’t see that as not being invited? Just go with your boyfriend!

Exactly, you do know there is a party. That’s why you cancelled your thing.

OnLockdown · 28/05/2025 07:47

I agree with pps. Why is his mum planning your partner's birthday? That's weird. What does your partner think is happening for his 40th? It's usual to discuss birthday plans together, isn't it?

Cardinalita90 · 28/05/2025 07:48

It seems odd after 3 years of being together, your first port of call was to ask a 40-year-old's mother if she's planning something. She probably felt awkward and put on the spot.

Can't you just text her and ask what the plan is now you've had confirmation she's doing it?

Kathbrownlow · 28/05/2025 07:52

DrummingMousWife · 28/05/2025 07:31

End this now - you’ll avoid a world of pain later on.

this.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 28/05/2025 07:58

It would be better to ‘ruin the surprise’ and talk to him about this now than wait h til it dawns on him at the party that you’re not there. Knowing about the party in advance is less likely to ruin the party than getting there, realising you’re not there for some reason and knowing he’ll have to deal with the fallout of that.

Sugargliderwombat · 28/05/2025 08:03

His mum is organising him a surprise birthday party?

Id message and say, can't wait for the party! I'll bring the cake xxx

Sugargliderwombat · 28/05/2025 08:04

Also, if she's this unhinged I wonder if she will make YOU look bad for not being at the party.

Rooroobear · 28/05/2025 08:05

I agree with pp. you know the date etc just go with your boyfriend x

Kathbrownlow · 28/05/2025 08:06

I wasted 8 perfectly good years of my life with a mummy's boy. They don't change. Get out now and find grown up happiness with someone not ruled by his family.

MyCyanReader · 28/05/2025 08:08

@Becwi why don't you just message the mum and ask her what time you and boyfriend need to turn up and where are you bringing him??

I'd just assume you are invited because why wouldn't you be??

If she tells you you're not invited then I'd either turn up anyway or tell your boyfriend that as you're invited to the party then he either needs to stand up for you or the relationship is over.

Original poster
Becwi · 28/05/2025 08:09

He had already asked for something to be planned for him as a surprise.
His mum said at beginning of the year that she was thinking about doing a party but not heard anything since, hence why I asked her.
Yes, I know date but don’t know time or location.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 28/05/2025 08:12

How can it be a surprise if he’s asked for something to be planned for him?

None of this makes any sense - do grown adults not actually have conversations anymore?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 28/05/2025 08:12

Becwi · 28/05/2025 08:09

He had already asked for something to be planned for him as a surprise.
His mum said at beginning of the year that she was thinking about doing a party but not heard anything since, hence why I asked her.
Yes, I know date but don’t know time or location.

Surely you'll be with your BF when he's surprised. Otherwise how will he know where to go etc?

Moonlightexpress · 28/05/2025 08:13

Op sorry but I'm confused. This is not new information to you so this girl messaging you is not relevant. You already knew there was a party on that date and you already knew you didn't have the time and venue and your boyfriend already knows there's a party now , because his mum told him. I could carry on with more details that don't make sense but no energy left 🤣

PhilippaGeorgiou · 28/05/2025 08:14

Becwi · 28/05/2025 08:09

He had already asked for something to be planned for him as a surprise.
His mum said at beginning of the year that she was thinking about doing a party but not heard anything since, hence why I asked her.
Yes, I know date but don’t know time or location.

Person who told you is going. Ask them?
Since he must be going presumably he also knows?

Why are you making this all so hard. If you want to go, it isn't all that difficult to do that. You just need to use words and talk to people.

It seems that everyone, including you, is just relishing drama. Doesn't sound very much fun for anyone.

User27563 · 28/05/2025 08:14

Ryeman · 28/05/2025 07:43

Is the girlfriend talking about the event you organised without realising you cancelled it?

I thought this too 😆

Shelby2010 · 28/05/2025 08:14

How is your boyfriend supposed to be getting to the right place? If he’s asked for a surprise a) it’s not a surprise & b) his mum must have told him during the shouting that something was being planned and what day it is.

Maybe MIL thinks you can’t keep a secret or would try & sabotage, so is keeping the not much of a surprise from both of you for now.

SparklyGlitterballs · 28/05/2025 08:14

His friend's gf knows the time and location so just turn up. What's she going to do, throw you out in front of bf?

Actually, if it's a surprise for him, what's her tactic for getting him to attend?

SamPoodle123 · 28/05/2025 08:16

Do you and your boyfriend have a good relationship or is there a lot of drama? Would inviting you mean a fight at his birthday party? Maybe they mother does not want that and wants him to enjoy the party. But if you guys have a solid relationship and you think your presence at his party would make him happy and enjoy the party, then I would speak to the mum. But if after 3 years with him and the mum did not invite you, ask yourself why. Either your relationship with him is not good and the mum wants you out or the mum is crazy. Either way stand up for yourself. If its a bad relationship, let it go. If its a good one, then go to the party.

YourLimeScroller · 28/05/2025 08:16

How is his mother planning on getting your DP to the party? Maybe she was to invite you both out and surprise you both - perhaps she thought this would be more unexpected. Unless you have a history of a particularly sour relationship there is this more reasonable, although admittedly still a little weird, explanation.

itsbeenalongnight · 28/05/2025 08:17

That is some drip feed! Changes everything. So he asked for this and his mother was doing it but you decided to do your own thing? You’re competing and playing faux innocence methinks. All passive aggressive stuff.

StupidBoy · 28/05/2025 08:17

I think his idea of a surprise is different to everyone else's then. Confused

If he knows about this 'surprise' and she had a moan to him on the phone about you arranging something else that clashes, it sounds as if there was an agreement between them all along that she would arrange and host something for him, so it's not a surprise at all, except perhaps in respect of what form it will take and exactly where it will be, maybe?

It's weird that there has been so little communication between the three of you about this though, given that he has known about this arrangement all along. Did you never ask him what he wanted to do for his birthday? Did he never mention it?

Anyway, unless you've expressly been told by her or him that you are not invited and should not attend, then I'd assume that wherever he's told to turn up on that day, the assumption is that you will be turning up with him. No need for a formal invitation from her.

Shelby2010 · 28/05/2025 08:18

Can’t you just cut the crap & text MIL:

Hi, can you text me the venue details for the party on Saturday. What time do you want me to bring him?

And if she doesn’t reply you say to DP:

Has MIL said anything about your birthday yet? I know she’s planning something but she’s blanking me so I’ve no idea what, where or when we’re supposed to turn up.

JHound · 28/05/2025 08:19

If he knows about the birthday and the fact you are not invited I would dump him and move on.

In fact I would dump him anyway. He doesn’t sound like he’s that much into you if his mom can handle you like that with no comment from him.

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