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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

454 replies

Becwi · 28/05/2025 07:20

My boyfriends 40th Birthday is coming up shortly.
I Had messaged his mum to see if she had organised something, however after not hearing back after a few days presumed she hadn’t. So I organised a surprise to do something and invite along lots of his friends, She messaged me back 2 weeks later and said yes, on the date I had planned too. I explained that because I hadn’t heard back I’d planned something.
Shes then rang my boyfriend shouting about it, not once confronted me about it.
I said don’t worry I’ll cancel what I’d planned to stop any drama and caused arguments with me and my boyfriend.
so fast forward 6 days before, I get a message from his friends girlfriend asking me what I’m wearing, what the plans are after his party. I know nothing about this party!
i haven’t mentioned it to my boyfriend because I don’t want to ruin his birthday, upset him or cause drama.
AIBU for being so annoyed and so upset about no invitation?

OP posts:
SuperTrooper14 · 02/06/2025 06:29

Well done for ending the relationship and not putting yourself in a pick me situation versus his mum! He’s a massive man baby who has shown you who he is and you are far better off without him. Plus I wouldn’t want to be in the same room as his mother ever again so the relationship is never going to work long term now.

Nikki75 · 02/06/2025 07:51

This is a shitty situation .. 3 yrs together and just pushed out of your so called partners 40th.. the fact he has gone running makes him sound like a 4 yr old running to his party that mummy planned.
You should of been there by his side celebrating good on you for packing his things .
What a horrible mean thing to do to you you are worth so much more than this and his actions ... show him you are xx

Littlejellyuk · 02/06/2025 08:07

Fuck them both. Pair of twats.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/06/2025 09:39

Tiredofallthis101 · 02/06/2025 01:02

Im sorry you are in this position. It must be gutting.

But Why did you not discuss it with him whilst he was getting ready? Why didn't you ask him what he wanted you to do, should you come with him? Did he expect you to just sit at home? Honestly I think your behaviour in all this has also been odd - all of you in the situation are behaving strangely. If it was me I would have not just sat there whilst he got ready and left. But equally my DH wouldn't be even thinking about going to a party organised in these circumstances.

IMO you should never have cancelled your alternative party and told her to do one. But given how this has unfolded there's a good chance he'd have gone to hers anyway. He's an enmeshed shithead. You're better off without him. But get better boundaries and learn to speak up for yourself in your next relationship so you can weed out these kind of that's earlier on.

Why did she not ask him on the day?

Because that would be akin to begging, "please please take me to the party"

Asking for information from a very evasive man
She knew where he was going and why he was doing that right in front of her.

She behaved with calm dignity in a difficult situation. It was the right thing to do.

It actually made it more awkward for him that she did that, and he couldn't use it as an excuse to have a row, or claim she tried to prevent him and turn up to the party with a Poor Me on my birthday face. She behaved like the adult he wasn't.

Plus who would want to invite themselves to a party where she knew she wasn't wanted and he didn't give a monkeys about that.

Ironically, people at the party may have already thought that he'd been dumped when he turned up without her and Mummy's role in the whole debacle would have been clear to everyone. Might have been a bit humiliating for him.

Original poster
Becwi · 02/06/2025 10:17

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/06/2025 09:39

Why did she not ask him on the day?

Because that would be akin to begging, "please please take me to the party"

Asking for information from a very evasive man
She knew where he was going and why he was doing that right in front of her.

She behaved with calm dignity in a difficult situation. It was the right thing to do.

It actually made it more awkward for him that she did that, and he couldn't use it as an excuse to have a row, or claim she tried to prevent him and turn up to the party with a Poor Me on my birthday face. She behaved like the adult he wasn't.

Plus who would want to invite themselves to a party where she knew she wasn't wanted and he didn't give a monkeys about that.

Ironically, people at the party may have already thought that he'd been dumped when he turned up without her and Mummy's role in the whole debacle would have been clear to everyone. Might have been a bit humiliating for him.

Show quote history

This exactly why I didn’t speak up on the day

OP posts:
Tbry24 · 02/06/2025 10:43

you are better off without him. At least you don’t have to see him on his 40th as you’ve already dumped him. I can’t believe he just left like that.

btw my DHs mum is utterly dreadful too. If I’d met her first I wouldn’t be with my DP (20 years together) as she literally hates me. So I would say to you lucky escape.

On DPs 40th his mum took him and sister and niece for a meal. I wasn’t invited and she knew I had plans for the actual day but they could have the meal any other day on the bank holiday. She texted me back and forth etc. So she picked midday on the actual day so I had to cancel all of my plans. My DP was really annoyed and didn’t even want to go but I told him it was fine and I wanted him to have a lovely time. Sadly he didn’t mum was rude (racist) to staff and ruined his day. He was utterly embarrassed and apologised to the staff after she left, especially as it’s a restaurant he likes and goes to for work regularly. He was relieved to get home and luckily our holiday I had planned for a few weeks later due to me expecting her to ruin it.

For his siblings 40th this year my DP tried to take sister out for a fancy afternoon tea, he never even got a response. So went around with a card and money and his mum arrived and blanked him so he left. Last month on his birthday she (well all of them) never even texted him happy birthday as she is an utter cow.

You honestly couldn’t make this crap up, I currently never want to speak to any of his family ever again.

I’ve luckily not had to speak to her, or have tons of random texts from her whilst drunk, for a couple of years now as she changed her number and told DP not to tell me it 🙏. she will be my MIL one day but she won’t be at the wedding.

Original poster
Becwi · 02/06/2025 10:48

Tbry24 · 02/06/2025 10:43

you are better off without him. At least you don’t have to see him on his 40th as you’ve already dumped him. I can’t believe he just left like that.

btw my DHs mum is utterly dreadful too. If I’d met her first I wouldn’t be with my DP (20 years together) as she literally hates me. So I would say to you lucky escape.

On DPs 40th his mum took him and sister and niece for a meal. I wasn’t invited and she knew I had plans for the actual day but they could have the meal any other day on the bank holiday. She texted me back and forth etc. So she picked midday on the actual day so I had to cancel all of my plans. My DP was really annoyed and didn’t even want to go but I told him it was fine and I wanted him to have a lovely time. Sadly he didn’t mum was rude (racist) to staff and ruined his day. He was utterly embarrassed and apologised to the staff after she left, especially as it’s a restaurant he likes and goes to for work regularly. He was relieved to get home and luckily our holiday I had planned for a few weeks later due to me expecting her to ruin it.

For his siblings 40th this year my DP tried to take sister out for a fancy afternoon tea, he never even got a response. So went around with a card and money and his mum arrived and blanked him so he left. Last month on his birthday she (well all of them) never even texted him happy birthday as she is an utter cow.

You honestly couldn’t make this crap up, I currently never want to speak to any of his family ever again.

I’ve luckily not had to speak to her, or have tons of random texts from her whilst drunk, for a couple of years now as she changed her number and told DP not to tell me it 🙏. she will be my MIL one day but she won’t be at the wedding.

I wouldn’t be inviting her either. Sound like an awful person.

OP posts:
WorryWart1510 · 02/06/2025 11:42

That is so disrespectful on his part to first of all, allow his mother to treat you so badly and secondly leave you sitting at home while he went out. Surely he should have known how hurtful this would be for you!
Has he tried to contact you since he collected his things.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 02/06/2025 11:48

Has he collected his stuff yet @Becwi?

RampantIvy · 02/06/2025 12:02

I hope you didn't buy him expensive gifts. Can you get a refund for them?

Blessthismess2 · 02/06/2025 12:05

How has he reacted to you ending it?

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 02/06/2025 13:35

Have you heard anymore from him? Did he collect his stuff from the shed?

RealEagle · 02/06/2025 18:47

Has he come with the excuses for his mum and why you wasn’t invited

Original poster
Becwi · 02/06/2025 20:40

I haven’t read any of the messages he’s sent me.
so no idea what he’s said

OP posts:
jpclarke · 02/06/2025 23:48

That takes a lot of courage and will power, fair play to you. I hope you are doing ok, and you got a big hug from your little one. It’s not easy but for what it’s worth you are doing the right thing for you and your child. No person should treat anyone the way you have been treated. 🫂💐

eone · 03/06/2025 08:13

Another vote here to say you have done the right thing and acted with dignity on the day. You have escaped years of misery with a manchild who was incapable of giving you the right place in his life, and his mummy wanting to play power games with you. Well done Flowers

Hollietree · 03/06/2025 08:59

Becwi · 02/06/2025 20:40

I haven’t read any of the messages he’s sent me.
so no idea what he’s said

You are a Queen! 👑

BMW6 · 03/06/2025 09:15

Becwi · 02/06/2025 20:40

I haven’t read any of the messages he’s sent me.
so no idea what he’s said

Marvellous! 👏👏

AguNwaanyi · 03/06/2025 10:12

Becwi · 02/06/2025 20:40

I haven’t read any of the messages he’s sent me.
so no idea what he’s said

Block or delete them. This man is clearly spineless and you would have been miserable putting up with that and his mum long term.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 03/06/2025 10:19

Becwi · 02/06/2025 20:40

I haven’t read any of the messages he’s sent me.
so no idea what he’s said

🙌good for you @Becwi

Original poster
Becwi · 03/06/2025 10:34

Thank you everyone! Means a lot. I don’t want to bring myself to reading messages from him before I get sucked back in.
Ive got my daughter back home since yesterday, so feel a bit better.
time to concentrate on the both of us, being happy!

OP posts:
Duh · 03/06/2025 12:56

Good for you OP, stay strong x

PopcornKitten · 03/06/2025 17:34

Stay strong OP, you’ve got this!

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 03/06/2025 17:46

Wow! I’m so sorry OP. It sounds like his mum has just decided she doesn’t want you around and he’s gone along with it? WTF?! Did you hear if any of the other friends went? I’m just baffled. Long term you’ve definitely dodged a bullet here, but that won’t be much comfort when you’re still reeling from the shock of it all I know. Who the hell does this?! After three years?! You deserve so so much better. Enjoy spending time with your daughter and focus on yourself.

Candleinalantern · 04/06/2025 09:20

I admire your will power OP, what an awful man, you deserve someone who puts you first