Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

[Becwi]

My boyfriends 40th Birthday is coming up shortly.
I Had messaged his mum to see if she had organised something, however after not hearing back after a few days presumed she hadn’t. So I organised a surprise to do something and invite along lots of his friends, She messaged me back 2 weeks later and said yes, on the date I had planned too. I explained that because I hadn’t heard back I’d planned something.
Shes then rang my boyfriend shouting about it, not once confronted me about it.
I said don’t worry I’ll cancel what I’d planned to stop any drama and caused arguments with me and my boyfriend.
so fast forward 6 days before, I get a message from his friends girlfriend asking me what I’m wearing, what the plans are after his party. I know nothing about this party!
i haven’t mentioned it to my boyfriend because I don’t want to ruin his birthday, upset him or cause drama.
AIBU for being so annoyed and so upset about no invitation?

Stop contacting the mother and ask the friend who was messaging you for the details.

Just ask for details from friends GF and turn up! Don’t let MIL get the satisfaction of intentionally leaving you out.

How is your DP supposed to get to the party if neither you or him know the location?

Does he think you are specially not being invited? Is everyone just expecting you to arrive/be available with him? I'm assuming you live together.

Just go with him when he’s told to show up, you’re his partner.

I think they'll be invited to dinner or something. Maybe MIL thinks OP will be too shifty and let the cat out of the bag if she knows she's leading him to the surprise.

MIL sounds evil/unhinged in the first post but it makes a lot more sense when OP drip feeds that MIL and son had already agreed MIL would do a bday surprise for him (as weird as that is)

She’s not. She was a young mum.

why won’t you ring her OP?

Does he live with you?

How young?

her behaviour is appalling. On the day though he doesnt go without you. I expect she isnt telling you to have some control.

phone the friend and gets details from her.

Then I guess you do the same? Keep the day free. At some point someone is going to HAVE to tell him the details of when and where to go, otherwise he won’t be able to turn up himself. Just go with him, don’t let his mum keep you away from this. And if she doesn’t want you there, you turning up will be a good middle finger to her for being a bit ridiculous over the whole thing. But that said, it doesn’t sound like you invited her to your original surprise party for him, so maybe she’s playing tit for tat?

So I organised a surprise to do something and invite along lots of his friends,
@Becwi Only his friends? Does that mean you did exclude his Mum? If so I can see why she might have kicked off.

I think you need to call her. If she won't speak to you then send a message rhat says seeing as you xant get through to her you're going to assume the party plans involve collecting boyfriend and you togther for the the surprise so you'll make sure you're ready on the day, just as he's going to be.

I suppose bottom line, when it comes to the event if you are excluded from joining in will he just wave goodbye to you or stand up for you? That matters more than all the drama and bad communication up to this point.

My suggestion is to stop acting like there’s drama, even if there is. Pretend you don’t know about drama and assume she’s acting in good faith. Call her - not message. Say that you know she’s taken over organising his surprise, where is it and what time. Ask her straight out like you would if everything is normal.

Do not send messages, phone call for this. Nothing she can ignore/refuse to answer.

Call his mum or call the friend who's going. Get the details. Go to the party.

Well.. it sounds like she doesnt like you.
Sorry OP, I would find out why, after 3 years she wouldnt invite you.

it was going to be a quiet family meal to him but all of his friends were turning up too

I suppose bottom line, when it comes to the event if you are excluded from joining in will he just wave goodbye to you or stand up for you? That matters more than all the drama and bad communication up to this point.
This.

you say to your dh,
hey dh so your mum clearly hates me, I can handle that if you have my back. How do you plan for me to attend your party? (I’m allowing that he just thinks you’ll be going with him)

possible follow up line depending on his answer: let me be clear. If you have a birthday party and I’m not there because your mum didn’t want me there and you couldn’t be arsed making sure I was there, then we will be separating. That would have been ok when you were 4, but you’re turning 40 and need to be able to make sure your partner gets to go to your birthday.

Do you think he asked her to organise it as he wanted a party and not a quiet family meal, which could happen anytime.

I doubt that as the op says he’s chuffed as his mum has never organised anything before.

@Becwi How old are you?

She messaged me back 2 weeks later and said yes, on the date I had planned too. I explained that because I hadn’t heard back I’d planned something.

This suggests that you hadn't yet told her about the "quiet family meal" so maybe she thought she had been excluded as she hadn't yet received an invitation or a "can you make this date" message.

This is so odd.

The worst thing is if he doesn't care you're not invited.

Surely on the day when he gets told where to go, you just go along too. Say you assume you were invited. And he should stick up for you if there are any issues.

Why hasn't your BF called his mum and said

"Mum, can you let Becwi know the details for my birthday." ?