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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have refused to make Sunday dinner today, actually

213 replies

notto · 25/05/2025 17:17

My husband and I work full time, kids are 3 and 5.

it’s full on during the week. I take care of all the drop offs and pick ups and do bed time and dinner alone every night. My husband’s schedule won’t allow for any leeway during the week, he leaves before they get up and comes back when they’re sleep. It is what it is.

at weekends, it’s a mad rush for me to try to get laundry done, children’s birthday parties, kids activities, family time etc etc. my husband tends to do garden chores, fixing things and bins.

in any case, I get pretty overwhelmed at weekends because it just seems like the mess the kids make, the constant making food and clearing up, never stops. I know, it’s all normal. We all do it.

but I believe that I sometimes need a fucking break. I took the kids out at 11 am this morning to tennis and then took them to lunch and playground and park. I didn’t get back until 4:30 pm.

I told my husband I’m not making my usual elaborate Sunday dinner today and I’ll be ordering a takeaway, to which he seemed a bit annoyed.

yesterday I cooked. I don’t need to spend all fucking weekend cooking surely ? He always acts like he’s hard done by, if I’m not obsessing over what we are all going to eat. ‘ well what are we going to have for dinner ? ‘ he asks. Like how dare I not have been thinking about, all day ? Our mums are the types to just think about what they’re going to eat and have it all planned out. I don’t always.

I also don’t think it’s a big deal to get a Deliveroo tonight. I’ve done enough, I do enough. I’m also tired.

I don’t really like it when he cooks, because he fucks up the entire kitchen. So usually I just do it. He did tidy while I was out. He also tidied yesterday when I was in bed with a migraine. But still.

surely at the weekend, one meal out or one takeaway should be the norm at the very least, if not two( we can afford it ). With our schedule ! Some weekends I literally lose my mind, as it gets on top of me. So surely it’s better to try and give me a beak.

OP posts:
Duvetsse · 25/05/2025 17:20

Stop all sunday lunches.
The division is completely off.
If he cooks he cleans up.
Do not do it.
He sounds lazy.
You sound a bit burnt out.
Get a bought lasagne, pizzas etc for the weekends going forward.
You are doing far too much.

Mrsttcno1 · 25/05/2025 17:20

If money is no issue then honestly I’d be making it the new family Sunday ritual to go out for a Sunday roast! We are a “have to have a roast on a Sunday” family and I always used to do the cooking & hosting but now I’m pregnant again, this time with a 1 year old, I cannot be arsed to spend the best part of my Sunday afternoon tidying, cooking, serving, then tidying again! We started going out for a roast instead and I don’t think we will ever look back 😂

TheaBrandt1 · 25/05/2025 17:22

We’re having gnocchi and fresh pesto. Life’s too short. If he wants a roast he makes it and clears it up.

WhatNoRaisins · 25/05/2025 17:22

I can't believe you do it every Sunday, most SAHMs I know aren't doing that.

TheaBrandt1 · 25/05/2025 17:23

Cook ready meals changed our life. Way cheaper than a take away and kind of healthy out in oven then done.

Runmybathforme · 25/05/2025 17:26

Your DH is a lazy, inconsiderate baby, you are being a doormat. Why on earth are you doing so much ?

Ducksinthegardens · 25/05/2025 17:28

I used to have a rule with my ex where one cooked and one cleaned up. Was a fucking disaster. I’d cook, put bits in the dishwasher as I went and when it came to clean up it was 2 plates, a little cutlery and maybe a pan. He would go full on tornado, and leave me with a fucking disaster zone. I then said it wasn’t working and whoever cooked, cleaned up, but I’d cook 4 days a week. Remarkably he managed to cook without using every pan in the kitchen

Terrribletwos · 25/05/2025 17:28

@notto but surely if you're both working full time everything should be split 50/50?

goodnightssleepbenice · 25/05/2025 17:29

Way too much , as you were out for hours could he not have prepped it all ? It’s not up to women to think of every goddam meal !

littlemissprosseco · 25/05/2025 17:29

If you can afford two take outs, then seriously consider getting in some home help instead. A cleaner for a few hrs a week. Maybe send your ironing out? Help with gardening, someone to help you put the kids to bed?
I had a 6th former come in Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for two hrs, 4.30-6.30, she helped with reading, playing, folding laundry after bath etc… she even made me cups of tea!
it really helped

notto · 25/05/2025 17:30

Mrsttcno1 · 25/05/2025 17:20

If money is no issue then honestly I’d be making it the new family Sunday ritual to go out for a Sunday roast! We are a “have to have a roast on a Sunday” family and I always used to do the cooking & hosting but now I’m pregnant again, this time with a 1 year old, I cannot be arsed to spend the best part of my Sunday afternoon tidying, cooking, serving, then tidying again! We started going out for a roast instead and I don’t think we will ever look back 😂

Yeah we do that sometimes, but sometimes it’s also stressful as my 3 year old can be very hard work in restaurants !

OP posts:
twoshedsjackson · 25/05/2025 17:30

So when he cooks, he leaves the kitchen in a mess? Could this be strategic incompetence?
You can assure him that practice will make perfect if he is doing the Sunday roast every week, and if he tidied up when you were out, it's possible that this message may be filtering through. He's already doing some of the chores at the weekend, so there's hopeful signs there.

BIWI · 25/05/2025 17:31

I think this is your main issue:

My husband’s schedule won’t allow for any leeway during the week

… because I’d bet anything that he could change it if he wanted.

Stop taking all the tasks on yourself. He needs to more.

Mrsttcno1 · 25/05/2025 17:32

notto · 25/05/2025 17:30

Yeah we do that sometimes, but sometimes it’s also stressful as my 3 year old can be very hard work in restaurants !

Does it have to be a restaurant though? Make it work for you, where we are there are lots of pub type places that are great for families, you can book a table in specific “family” area so it’s all kids, there’s a little park/softplay.. it doesn’t have to be a posh restaurant.

Or get a takeaway if you’d prefer, lots of places near us also do takeaway roasts!

Itsthelastsong · 25/05/2025 17:32

By not allowing him to cook you are enabling him to cop out of taking care of his family in the way that you do. So what if he makes a mess. My husband tends to make a mess but he thoroughly cleans up after himself. He’s a fully functioning adult thankfully. Let him clean up after himself.

notto · 25/05/2025 17:32

littlemissprosseco · 25/05/2025 17:29

If you can afford two take outs, then seriously consider getting in some home help instead. A cleaner for a few hrs a week. Maybe send your ironing out? Help with gardening, someone to help you put the kids to bed?
I had a 6th former come in Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for two hrs, 4.30-6.30, she helped with reading, playing, folding laundry after bath etc… she even made me cups of tea!
it really helped

I do have a cleaner and I send my ironing out. We used to have a Gardner do the lawn but my husband likes to do it, it’s his little project now.

I did try with a girl to help me in the evenings, but I found it a bit annoying. I manage to just do it on my own nowadays. The laundry is pretty daunting though, I must say and I have to stay in top of it to make sure my kids have their uniforms.

OP posts:
gingercat02 · 25/05/2025 17:33

We're having sausage pasta. We're going away tomorrow and I CBA to cook a big meal.
We usually have something more special on Sunday but not always a roast.
Tell him to cook it himself if he's that desperate

Hillarious · 25/05/2025 17:33

How did the division of labour get to be like this?

notto · 25/05/2025 17:34

Hillarious · 25/05/2025 17:33

How did the division of labour get to be like this?

Because of his job unfortunately. He’s self employed, out of the house all hours to run his business.

OP posts:
Duvetsse · 25/05/2025 17:34

Stop doing this selfish lazy mans laundry.

BIWI · 25/05/2025 17:35

He’s self employed

So he’s choosing to work the hours he does. He’s choosing not to do his fair share around the house.

notto · 25/05/2025 17:36

BIWI · 25/05/2025 17:35

He’s self employed

So he’s choosing to work the hours he does. He’s choosing not to do his fair share around the house.

honestly, it’s not anywhere as simple as that at all. Trust me. I’m a smart person, it’s super complicated and way too outing for me to explain it here. It’s not a choice by any means.

OP posts:
Duvetsse · 25/05/2025 17:37

I had zero interest in restaurants with small children but I wouldn't hesitate to buy deli food instead.
Rotisserie chickens and pre made salads.
You need to rethink the division before you get sick and resentment turns to loathing!

Coconutter24 · 25/05/2025 17:38

BIWI · 25/05/2025 17:35

He’s self employed

So he’s choosing to work the hours he does. He’s choosing not to do his fair share around the house.

Being self employed doesn’t mean you can just say I’ll work 9-3pm, being self employed is actually harder sometimes, you have to put the hours in

PuppyMonkey · 25/05/2025 17:39

Get a takeaway Sunday dinner, the pubs round here all do them.

Why couldn't your DH have taken the kids out to tennis or whatever if he was so keen that you do your Sunday roast?

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