To have refused to make Sunday dinner today, actually

[notto]

My husband and I work full time, kids are 3 and 5.

it’s full on during the week. I take care of all the drop offs and pick ups and do bed time and dinner alone every night. My husband’s schedule won’t allow for any leeway during the week, he leaves before they get up and comes back when they’re sleep. It is what it is.

at weekends, it’s a mad rush for me to try to get laundry done, children’s birthday parties, kids activities, family time etc etc. my husband tends to do garden chores, fixing things and bins.

in any case, I get pretty overwhelmed at weekends because it just seems like the mess the kids make, the constant making food and clearing up, never stops. I know, it’s all normal. We all do it.

but I believe that I sometimes need a fucking break. I took the kids out at 11 am this morning to tennis and then took them to lunch and playground and park. I didn’t get back until 4:30 pm.

I told my husband I’m not making my usual elaborate Sunday dinner today and I’ll be ordering a takeaway, to which he seemed a bit annoyed.

yesterday I cooked. I don’t need to spend all fucking weekend cooking surely ? He always acts like he’s hard done by, if I’m not obsessing over what we are all going to eat. ‘ well what are we going to have for dinner ? ‘ he asks. Like how dare I not have been thinking about, all day ? Our mums are the types to just think about what they’re going to eat and have it all planned out. I don’t always.

I also don’t think it’s a big deal to get a Deliveroo tonight. I’ve done enough, I do enough. I’m also tired.

I don’t really like it when he cooks, because he fucks up the entire kitchen. So usually I just do it. He did tidy while I was out. He also tidied yesterday when I was in bed with a migraine. But still.

surely at the weekend, one meal out or one takeaway should be the norm at the very least, if not two( we can afford it ). With our schedule ! Some weekends I literally lose my mind, as it gets on top of me. So surely it’s better to try and give me a beak.

Maybe next Sunday he could take you out for Sunday dinner?

Cook is your friend I’d have thought.

I'm gonna throw something in here that may not fit the subject matter but shouldn't he be spending at least 1 of those days with his children? He goes to work before they get up and comes home after they are in bed they barely know they have a father.

Sounds like the typical scenario where he has a full time job that he thinks is so hard and tiring, he couldn’t possibly do anything else and rests when not working while you do everything. Screw that, the division of labor is well off. Don’t give it another thought, he can deliveroo a Toby carvery if it matters to him.

sounds like my ex who kept going on about how much he would put on me when he left. Only thing I noticed is that I had to take the bins out…..lazy fucker!

My DH has always cooked Sunday roast. Then he gradually took over most of the cooking too whilst I do other chores instead.

Yup and what’s annoying is that the lawn is a once a week job and maybe only less than half the year ☹️ whereas what OP and what I do is day in day out

I don’t have much to add because you are getting great advice. Just to say I did ROFL at the PP who said about using 8 pans, all the wooden spoons and needing to pressure wash the kitchen! That’s me. We tend to work on a ‚‘if you cook, you also clear‘ Basis.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I’m in a similar situation, with 3 DC under 6, both DH and I work full time, and we live abroad, so have no family or any help. I completely understand your stress with the laundry, cooking etc. You could be describing my life.

You mentioned this in a previous response, but getting some systems in place has helped me so much. Laundry is a team effort, even if my DH does work longer hours than me.

I’ve also completely downgraded my cooking to just survival mode. We eat healthy food, but it’s not fancy and very repetitive. Chicken/steak, rice, and green beans most night, pasta, or something I can just throw in the oven. We bought an air fryer and DH does most meals on the weekend with that. He’s an awful cook, but it’s difficult to mess it up. We eat frozen veg with whatever he airfrys. We’re definitely not winning any culinary awards, but everyone is fed and happy!

You’re in some of the hardest years with your DC, as am I. I completely understand not wanting to take your 3-year-old to a restaurant! We haven’t been to a restaurant as a family for years.

One thing that’s really helped me is carving out time in the evening once the DC are in bed. DH built us a home gym (very small!) in the basement and mounted a tv in there. I watch my shows, go on the bike, do Pilates, lift weights, whatever I need to decompress. It’s improved my mental health so much. I normally do it from 8-9pm, followed by a bath, magnesium supplement, then 9:30 bedtime.

I hope you’re ok, and just wanted to encourage you in the overwhelming of it all.

Yes so I get why you have to do everything on the weekdays, but why are the weekends not split 50/50? The washing can get done by both of you. As can the cooking, cleaning and children. You could each get a lie in. You could take them to the park one day, he could take them to soft play on the other.

Things used to be worse. He also cannot for the life of him, get on top of his clothes and how he keeps them. Granted, he doesn’t have lots of time at home. But still.

I wash his things and then leave it in baskets, folded. Or if I do find space in his cupboard and drawers, I just kind of shove it where there is space. It’s completely disorganised, but sometimes I just get sick of seeing it everywhere.

he gets really angry that he can’t find stuff and that I apparently can’t distinguish between bed time T shirts and vests, and T shirts he’d wear to go out in. He has so much stuff, but somehow he can’t get it organised and I can’t keep it organised because it is never organised.

anyway, he used to get angry with me a lot about it, because I think he deep down thinks I should do it - but I just can’t. I barely keep my own clothes organised tbh. I just focus on keeping the kids stuff organised, that’s my priority.

anyway not sure how he will sort the clothes issue. He also always has a go at me because his clothes lose colour / aren’t washed right. I just wash stuff at 30 or 40 degrees on speed wash. Black stuff loses colour after a while, how is that my fault ? I have fucked up a reasonable number of wool jumpers to be fair, by putting them in the dryer. But I’m careful with that now. However black jeans and T shirts will eventually look washed out, no matter what you do, surely ?

I am not a domestic goddess by any stretch of the imagination, as I’m sure you can tell by now…

but I do try my best and I get very very stressed if there’s too much disorganised stuff around. My DD said to me the other day ‘ I want to be just like you mummy ‘ and I said ‘ oh really ?? What am I like ‘, she goes ‘ I want to be just like you and clean all the time ‘… 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Jesus Christ stop being such a pushover! Grow a spine! Theres not a lot else to say

Definitely YANBU.
Either your DH cooks Sunday lunch or he gets in a takeaway on Sundays in future.
You're doing far too much and he needs to be more hands on help, especially at weekends.

Charlie Bingham is pretty much a member of the family these days…

Deliveroo Gail’s croissants. Lol

One does home, one does kids/outdoor stuff. You can’t be doing both. Your DH should be taking them to tennis/park etc. if you are cooking. Else he’s cooking AND cleaning.

you are doing too much! When do you rest?

Bloody hell OP. He can do his own washing then if your efforts are defective (what a tosser). If he earned proper money then you could stay home and organise his sock drawer for him. He’s obviously a lightweight financially so he’ll just have to manage his own shit - too bad!

It now reads as abusive.
I think you should seriously consider talking to a domestic abuse charity.

He souds like a nasty abusive lazy controlling piece of shit.

Please talk to family and friends.

FFS @nottowhy are you doing his washing?!

Exactly

Let him do his own laundry. My husband is also out the house 12+ hours often in the week. So weekdays I do all of mine and childrens laundry. Then weekend husband has sole use of of washing machine to wash his clothes. So he does all his laundry- washed, dried and put away by Sunday afternoon

Where I live a couple of places, including the local carvery will deliver (or you can pick up) a Sunday dinner.

If you do all meals in the week and sort the children there is no reason he can't take on the cooking at weekends. And the clearing up.

Absolutely agree op. My DH was self employed for many years and we had three young children. Being self employed is harder and definitely get less time of. Some people seem to think because you self employed your hours are more flexible, so not true.

The 1950s called and wants your misogynistic neanderthal husband back.

Honestly wtaf OP - he expects you to work full-time, do all the cooking, cleaning, drop-offs and pick-ups, fancy meals, laundry, childcare etc? And compares you negatively to his mum and other mums, who I’m guessing didn’t have full-time jobs outside the home? And has the nerve to criticise how you do laundry, put away clothes, dont make a fucking Sunday roast etc?

Your body is telling you this is wrong - youre sleeping more than normal, you had a breakdown and youre getting migraines. That he sees all this, yet still pushes you, is disgraceful. He does not seem like a nice man to me, at all. I’d be seriously reconsidering this relationship, unless he has a major attitude change, acknowledges how unfair he is being, and starts contributing a great deal more at home. Good luck OP.

How much time does anyone spend on the bins? It probably adds up to about five or 10 minutes over the full week doesn't it?

If he wants a roast he can cook one and wash up

or go to tobys /pub for lunch esp if can afford it

tennis I assume is hr so why at the park for 4hrs then home. Home after tennis. Kids can play in garden /dh take them to the park as he hasnt seen them all week

I never understood why people get stressed over washing. Put a load on at night. Hang it out next day if nice or over clothes horse inside if raining

or set machine to come on while at work finishes when you are home and Hang out once home over dryer /horse if raining