To have refused to make Sunday dinner today, actually

[notto]

My husband and I work full time, kids are 3 and 5.

it’s full on during the week. I take care of all the drop offs and pick ups and do bed time and dinner alone every night. My husband’s schedule won’t allow for any leeway during the week, he leaves before they get up and comes back when they’re sleep. It is what it is.

at weekends, it’s a mad rush for me to try to get laundry done, children’s birthday parties, kids activities, family time etc etc. my husband tends to do garden chores, fixing things and bins.

in any case, I get pretty overwhelmed at weekends because it just seems like the mess the kids make, the constant making food and clearing up, never stops. I know, it’s all normal. We all do it.

but I believe that I sometimes need a fucking break. I took the kids out at 11 am this morning to tennis and then took them to lunch and playground and park. I didn’t get back until 4:30 pm.

I told my husband I’m not making my usual elaborate Sunday dinner today and I’ll be ordering a takeaway, to which he seemed a bit annoyed.

yesterday I cooked. I don’t need to spend all fucking weekend cooking surely ? He always acts like he’s hard done by, if I’m not obsessing over what we are all going to eat. ‘ well what are we going to have for dinner ? ‘ he asks. Like how dare I not have been thinking about, all day ? Our mums are the types to just think about what they’re going to eat and have it all planned out. I don’t always.

I also don’t think it’s a big deal to get a Deliveroo tonight. I’ve done enough, I do enough. I’m also tired.

I don’t really like it when he cooks, because he fucks up the entire kitchen. So usually I just do it. He did tidy while I was out. He also tidied yesterday when I was in bed with a migraine. But still.

surely at the weekend, one meal out or one takeaway should be the norm at the very least, if not two( we can afford it ). With our schedule ! Some weekends I literally lose my mind, as it gets on top of me. So surely it’s better to try and give me a beak.

Your DH is behaving like a child, ‘what’s for dinner, mum?’; ‘but I don’t want that”. The man needs to grow up and start pulling his weight. He is doing the jobs he finds some fun eg the mowing the lawn is his project.
I am annoyed on your behalf, you sound frazzled. I think you should book some days out for you with a friend on the odd weekend so he can carry the whole load himself. You are not asking much, you asking a grown adult to be an adult. I hope things get easier.

Don’t do the elaborate Sunday meal, my mother used to do it and it wasted the whole day. I’ve never done it and it frees up the whole day to do family outings- much better.

We don’t know that he is free lance? Being free lance as you obviously know allows a lot more flexibility than being self employed

Is it the 1970s? The person who is at home while you were out sorts the dinner, surely.

Your partner doesn't see the kids at all from Sunday bedtime until Saturday morning every week, yet he also didn't see them today from 11 until 4.30pm wtf?!!

Thats insane, poor kids! Even with hobbies, parties etc, if he drove them he'd be present in between

Sounds like your husband needs to step up and do some parenting at the weekends.

Bins take 20minutes tops on bin night, depending on how much you need to sort recycling, and 5 minutes every couple of nights in the week.

How much needs fixing on a frequent basis?

An entire weekend gardening is a parenting avoidance tactic.

My partner introduced me to a fantastic system which really works. Whoever cooks the dinner does not clear up. This means we naturally take it in turns. The kids work in this system too.

Of course it is OK to get a takeaway / not have elaborate meals.

But…
I took the kids out at 11 am this morning to tennis and then took them to lunch and playground and park. I didn’t get back until 4:30 pm.

Why do 3 & 5 year olds need to go to tennis? And then to park and playground? It’s a lot of activity. Did you need to be out the whole day on your own with the kids?

Where’s the family time? The down time.

You are smart.
Out smart him.

I started doing "slow roast pull appart" beef/pork/chicken.
Put it the night before.
Or put it in the fridge and let THE MAN OF THE HOUSE put it in at whatever time he wakes up, just plaster stickie note what temp and that he can put it in right away...so he does not get flustered.

Slaping the name of some country and spice to get along and serving it with 15min effort of pasta, warmed tortilas, these shit half baked breads for traditional feel.
Also all vege is better not cooked so I cut it like 2 days ago or just opened a bag of prewashed salad and made a fuss about olive oil/lemon/whatever that compliments my chosen country.

Just make a dramatic thing of hours your dh now putts in and prepares a meal in front of children (and friends) and he will be ready to die on that hill and defend his RIGT to make it.
Bonus points for engageing him in picking that meat (like video call or screenshots) so he feels like real hunter. Or even better send him to buttchers with children but I guess it will take some time to get him to roll with 3y old, although few "look daddy will now pick the best meat forr dinner for us" will help ;)

that is the family time, the downtime

I find being out with the kids so much easier and more relaxing that being home!

Cooking a roast every Sunday is hard work. In fact I never make one now, I just go to the carvery. But you don’t have to make a roast every Sunday.

Why are you doing all the running around to kids activities and birthday parties when the kids already barely see him all week? He should be up with them and doing meals and taking them to tennis and the playground.

Being self-employed is no excuse. He’s not a neurosurgeon who is on call. Dh has been self-employed since our 12 year old was 2 months old. If he isn’t collecting them from school, he jumps in to do the bulk of the parenting as soon as he walks in the door at night. At the moment, he does 80% of the driving around to evening activities. He takes them out solo on the weekends. He takes them away on his own. They are off camping this weekend because I can’t go. He does half the birthday parties. You can run your own business and still prioritise family life, if you want to.

His little project. snort
It's his 'get out of real work at home' project.
It's his 'not looking after his own children' project.

I'd insist on swapping weekend 'chores' for a month ... he won't want to ... that will be your first sign he's known all along he's opting out of doing his share at home and with his own children. And he should be cooking at the weekends.

You are not his food slave. Put in some boundaries.

Migraleave Is really good for migraines.

No, and why the fuck would they, if their husbands have the weekend off? Being a SAHM does not make you someone's weekend skivvy.

@Terrribletwos but surely if you're both working full time everything should be split 50/50? should be 50/50 when he's there anyway and mostly even if he's not, I'm a SAHMother not a SAHMaid.

People on here seem to think stay at home mums should be some kind of handmaiden. Fuck that.

OP re migraines I had them really badly for a few years after my first and then they calmed down, didn't return with DS2, I hope they calm down for you.

You need a serious conversation with dh. Do you spend any time together? If you are doing all the kid stuff during week he should be taking them to tennis and spending time as a family instead of avoiding family life behind chores. If he's busy all week why is he not helping with cooking at the weekend? Make your feelings clear you both work full-time you cannot also be the 24/7 default parent and running the household as he expects but without his help you will make yourself ill

Does he do any parenting at all? That is the main issue I see with your situation. Cooking is one thing - it's not unusual for one person in a marriage to be the main cook, usually the one who likes cooking the most or is best at it - but your husband is not doing any parenting from what you say here. He's not there during the week for bedtimes / bathtime and on the weekend, you're still out with the kids on your own. When does he actually show up as a father and spend time with the children as a parent?

If he wants a Sunday roast, the sensible thing to have done would be for him to take the kids out for the morning / afternoon while you got on with preparing dinner. He can't have it both ways. Your division of labour is totally off so no wonder you're getting migraines.

I have never in my life cooked a 'Sunday Dinner'. My entire family susurvived. More to the point, so did I.

You and H need to divide up weekends - he has the kids one day and you have them the other day. Whoever doesn't have the kids cooks and cleans up. You share cleaning, laundry, and organising equally.

The kids can help too. That is for more important for them than activities outside the home.

Pmsl at a bit of gardening and taking care of bins as his contributions. He has a rude awakening in store, I hope.

See if you can do some batch cooking instead of the daily grind of deciding what's for dinner and then making it. Or make enough to leave plenty of leftovers for the next day and maybe another day too, if you cook.

Agree. I'm snorting too.

Cooking and cleaning up after himself though.

Otherwise, the OP will end up with the little project of cleaning eight pots and every single one of her wooden spoons, and the entire kitchen will need power washing.

When he is tasked with both cooking and cleaning, you'll find yourselves eating a lot of convenient one pot meals, OP, I guarantee it. Or spag bol for Sunday dinner...

@Hillarious

not everyone is off every other day in the week though. Lots work full time. So Saturday and Sunday are the only days of the week they get to do what they want, precious. So id suck up a mass produced restaurant roast if it means not being tied to the kitchen for hours (even if it is on and off) unable to leave the house

Re the migraines:

I get them when I am overheated and dehydrated, e.g. if I have been working in the garden in the sun and forgot to drink.

Also, I get them from eye strain - have you had your eyes tested recently? Do you wear glasses?

If you rule out both these, then it looks like stress and exhaustion is the cause.

He's not there during the week for bedtimes / bathtime and on the weekend, you're still out with the kids on your own.

This is a big issue. He may not realise how much he is missing out on until he turns round one day and sees that the kids are teenagers and he is a virtual stranger to them.
If he wants any kind of relationship with them, he has to put in the time.
You need to discuss this with him.

He should be the one to take them to tennis / parties / activities / park at the weekend, or all go together.

I don't understand the fixation people have with a Sunday roast dinner. Personally I'd rather have Lasagne or casserole or similar. There are some good suggestions here though, family type pub, probably a Harvester or similar, Cook type dinners. Perhaps that could be the first Sunday of the month or similar.
Can one of you not fling a load of laundry in each night? Stick school uniform in the airing cupboard overnight? (DDs was always filthy).
The roast isn't the issue though. I'm sure your DP isn't shirking but surely he could take the kids on a Saturday morning or something so you have some time to just think.