To have refused to make Sunday dinner today, actually

[notto]

My husband and I work full time, kids are 3 and 5.

it’s full on during the week. I take care of all the drop offs and pick ups and do bed time and dinner alone every night. My husband’s schedule won’t allow for any leeway during the week, he leaves before they get up and comes back when they’re sleep. It is what it is.

at weekends, it’s a mad rush for me to try to get laundry done, children’s birthday parties, kids activities, family time etc etc. my husband tends to do garden chores, fixing things and bins.

in any case, I get pretty overwhelmed at weekends because it just seems like the mess the kids make, the constant making food and clearing up, never stops. I know, it’s all normal. We all do it.

but I believe that I sometimes need a fucking break. I took the kids out at 11 am this morning to tennis and then took them to lunch and playground and park. I didn’t get back until 4:30 pm.

I told my husband I’m not making my usual elaborate Sunday dinner today and I’ll be ordering a takeaway, to which he seemed a bit annoyed.

yesterday I cooked. I don’t need to spend all fucking weekend cooking surely ? He always acts like he’s hard done by, if I’m not obsessing over what we are all going to eat. ‘ well what are we going to have for dinner ? ‘ he asks. Like how dare I not have been thinking about, all day ? Our mums are the types to just think about what they’re going to eat and have it all planned out. I don’t always.

I also don’t think it’s a big deal to get a Deliveroo tonight. I’ve done enough, I do enough. I’m also tired.

I don’t really like it when he cooks, because he fucks up the entire kitchen. So usually I just do it. He did tidy while I was out. He also tidied yesterday when I was in bed with a migraine. But still.

surely at the weekend, one meal out or one takeaway should be the norm at the very least, if not two( we can afford it ). With our schedule ! Some weekends I literally lose my mind, as it gets on top of me. So surely it’s better to try and give me a beak.

@Hillarious

not everyone wants to be dipping in and out of the kitchen all day on a weekend. What about going out?

Just as a side note re the messy kitchen after cooking.
Could you have a rule where at the weekend you do one larger meal each and you clear up after your own meal only?
My friends and I do this on Airbnb breaks. Means you get a clear sit down one of the evenings and you can control the washing up and clearing. If you choose to used every dish you have to clear it up.
Will leave others to comment on the uselessness of your DP in general @notto x

Like so many women, you've made a rod for your own back - and that's entirely on you i'm afraid. You've created the expectation and your reward will be resentment if you stop doing it, not gratitude that you did it for so long.

Apart from Christmas, I can't remember the last time I cooked a roast. It's such a waste of time! We go out and enjoy ourselves at the weekend, usually grabbing something whilst out or occasionally meeting friends for Sunday lunch at a pub. Nobody dies wishing they'd spent more time in the kitchen!

Your self employed husband prioritises work over family, probably to avoid being responsible for any domestic drudgery. My self employed husband always prioritised family over work. Probably earned a bit less than he could have done, but life's about the choices we make 🤷‍♀️

I do have a cleaner and I send my ironing out. We used to have a Gardner do the lawn but my husband likes to do it, it’s his little project now.
I did try with a girl to help me in the evenings, but I found it a bit annoying. I manage to just do it on my own nowadays. The laundry is pretty daunting though, I must say and I have to stay in top of it to make sure my kids have their uniforms.

Have you noticed where you said I, me, my in the post above and where you said we? It's as if you are seeing all the traditionally female responsibilities as yours, despite working full time. I would see household ironing as 'ours' and we decided jointly who does it or whether it's sent out. Perhaps worth thinking whether you really believe in a gendered split. If so, you shouldn't be working full time or it's unfair. If not, you need a serious discussion about a fairer split of domestic labour. It's not all your responsibility.

You sound EXACTLY exactly like my mum.
And your husband sounds close to my dad - except my dad never did anything indoors.
Dad left before I got up and got home after I was asleep. I used to follow him around all day Sunday, from the garage to the yard & back.
Mum wasn’t exactly Betty Crocker - Dad never complained, and he took us out often, to give Mum a break. He was good that way. That was decades before delivery.
Then the heat got too much so Mum & I began doing the yard work too, because Mum worried about Dad’s heart.
Some day you’re going to look back fondly on these days - I know you’re thinking right now that that’s impossible, but you will.
I promise. ❤️

I'd love to potter about in the garden and put up shelves at the weekend and not have to worry about the actual functional running of home or taking my child anywhere....

Sorry to say, I think he's taking advantage of your giving nature here...

Same here, OP. But no one challenges me if occasionally I say we need a take away. I did that today as I wanted to watch the football

He’s working all hours to build a business and provide for his family. Being self employed doesn’t mean you get to knock off early. Do you think Alan Sugar made his millions by going home early!

Saturday takeaway . Sunday lunch out .
or Friday takeaway . Saturday he cooks and Sunday lunch out.
He needs to step up more

I don't get why anyone gives a shit if their partner makes a mess when they're cooking.

They just need to clean up afterwards and return the kitchen to normal.

but he won't let his partner use the funds he's working so hard for to buy a take-away or get a gardener so he can help out in the home more.

I have been married 36 years. I have never cooked a "Sunday dinner" in my entire life. My husband isn't at all bothered (and, if he was, he could cook it himself).
Life is too short to spend hours on this every week - just lie on the sofa and read a book instead!

I don't understand why you are doing all the taking children places at the weekend? Particularly if you do all the cooking as well. If he leaves before they get up and comes home after bedtime midweek, when does he ever actually see his own children if he isn't looking after them at the weekend either?
But anyway, even if he was pulling his weight, it's never unreasonable to say you dint want to cook a particular meal if you are tired. There is no law about what you eat on a Sunday and most families these days don't do a roast every week.

I have never cooked a "Sunday roast", and my DC are now well into their 20s.

Weekends are busy enough, I have never understood the obsession with a hot meal every day. We were usually too busy with activities, or would be having a packed lunch as we were off on some sort of outdoor adventure.

If your DH wants a roast he either takes you all out and pays for it or learns to cook efficiently.

Why would they?

Why do you HAVE to have a roast? I don't get this obsession some people have.

my hubby and I grew up with Sunday dinners, and on occasion I still will do one but we def just have any other thing we fancy, particularly if busy then takeaway or pasta it is! Discussion about expectations on your shoulders is def needed!!

I do majority of cooking/housework but my hubby does his bit and always cleans up kitchen as he’s aware I do the cooking.

I feel a little sad that my kids aren’t getting the ‘traditional Sunday dinner’ every week, but we all eat/spend time together which is the main thing and there’s lots of things from my childhood that are no longer relevant in our lives today!!

you def deserve a break OP and a large glass of wine!!

It's also veeeeeery easy (and basically unprovable) to stretch out what needs to be done to fill the hours you want not to be filled with domestic shitwork. 'I'll just triple check those figures' etc. SO MANY MEN DO THIS - and not just self-employed ones. I 100% guarantee all those men with Big Jobs are not working at full pelt even 50% of the time they're 'at work'.

It's his responsibility to make sure he does the work in the shortest possible time, just as it's hers to do that for her employer. Then he can do his share at home as well as at work.

So sad you have to say it out loud to him. Sometime ago heard a wonderful phrase - 'if you have to explain, you don't have to explain' meaning if the counterparty is so think they can't figure it out themselves, please don't explain, it is useless. Selfish prick.

Does he work over the weekend too? Why are you doing all the chores + taking care of two kids 7 days a week when you have a partner? Can excuse the weekdays as you've stated that he leaves before kids are up and back late but weekends? Sounds like weaponised incompetence imo.

@notto I get it. My DH was/is a workaholic and for the majority of his career self employed. No money problems- far from it and plenty of sub-contracting: cleaning, ironing, gardening, etc. I did everything house and children related and he did not cook and still doesn't.

My advice, FWIW, if you have no money problems - is to stop the elaborate cooking. You don't need to because you can afford the good stuff:

Smoked salmon and prawns with avocados, salad and good bread.

Rib eye steaks, sliced roast spud, bought stuffed mushrooms, salad.

Good quality chicken just bunged in the oven, new potatoes, caesar salad.

Charlie Bighams (what you fancy) taken out of the packaging and arranged in serving bowls.

Finely sliced calves liver, butter and sage, with spinach and dauphinois (bought).

Sea bass, bought roasted veg and bought crispy spud.

I appreciate it's hard but only you know if he's a decent bloke. It was worth it fkr us - 35 years on.

with the caveat he cleans up (properly) after too.

I don't disagree with you at all (and many other pp who have said the same thing). But exactly how does OP enforce this? She's said that he makes a mess of the kitchen if he does cook - and it doesn't sound like he takes direction well. So if his standards are that the kitchen is a mess after he's cooked, what exactly should OP do? Critique his cleaning and point out everything he's done poorly? Stand over him and tell him he's missed a bit?

Often the advice is to 'have a conversation' and make him x y and z. But these things usually are not simply a result of a little conversation. I suspect OP has already had maaaaaany little conversations about it.

Your DH is the main problem here.

But, a simple roast dinner is so easy. I don’t understand all this talk of slaving away all day for a roast. It takes very little time really unless you deliberately make it harder by insisting on doing 18 different veg / side dishes.

Op if you're having to go to bed with migraines your body is begging you to slow down! I searched long and hard for cures to migraines and the best advice I ever had was from a neurologist who said honestly, slow the fuck down and come back if they get worse. I did slow down and they didn't get worse! I thought slowing down was just being more organised but it isn't, you need to actually do fuck all. Like take a day of annual leave if needed, do zero chores and sit under a blanket watching MAFS for a good 8 hour stint with loads of nice food ( I did this and it's heaven ). You definitely shouldn't be worrying about making a Sunday roast, absolutely fuck that and your selfish husband.

You are doing way too much - why is that? My DH and I share cooking and putting DC to bed, duties. We alternate so that on the nights he cooks, I bathe and put DC to bed and vice versa. Some nights if DC's sleepy we'll put them to bed and then DH always bathes/showers them in the morning, I will dress them and he is the one who will drive DC to nursery/school. You need to get your man to take on more jobs around the house. I hope things improve for you. You are definitely not being unreasonable for not making Sunday Roast today!