To have refused to make Sunday dinner today, actually

[notto]

My husband and I work full time, kids are 3 and 5.

it’s full on during the week. I take care of all the drop offs and pick ups and do bed time and dinner alone every night. My husband’s schedule won’t allow for any leeway during the week, he leaves before they get up and comes back when they’re sleep. It is what it is.

at weekends, it’s a mad rush for me to try to get laundry done, children’s birthday parties, kids activities, family time etc etc. my husband tends to do garden chores, fixing things and bins.

in any case, I get pretty overwhelmed at weekends because it just seems like the mess the kids make, the constant making food and clearing up, never stops. I know, it’s all normal. We all do it.

but I believe that I sometimes need a fucking break. I took the kids out at 11 am this morning to tennis and then took them to lunch and playground and park. I didn’t get back until 4:30 pm.

I told my husband I’m not making my usual elaborate Sunday dinner today and I’ll be ordering a takeaway, to which he seemed a bit annoyed.

yesterday I cooked. I don’t need to spend all fucking weekend cooking surely ? He always acts like he’s hard done by, if I’m not obsessing over what we are all going to eat. ‘ well what are we going to have for dinner ? ‘ he asks. Like how dare I not have been thinking about, all day ? Our mums are the types to just think about what they’re going to eat and have it all planned out. I don’t always.

I also don’t think it’s a big deal to get a Deliveroo tonight. I’ve done enough, I do enough. I’m also tired.

I don’t really like it when he cooks, because he fucks up the entire kitchen. So usually I just do it. He did tidy while I was out. He also tidied yesterday when I was in bed with a migraine. But still.

surely at the weekend, one meal out or one takeaway should be the norm at the very least, if not two( we can afford it ). With our schedule ! Some weekends I literally lose my mind, as it gets on top of me. So surely it’s better to try and give me a beak.

If he asks for dinner what’s stopping you replying

“I don’t know - what are you making ?”

We are retired b but we still go out for Sunday lunch usually a carvery. Where we live there are two places where you can get a takeaway Sunday roast lunch which makes it much cheaper. With one of the places two adult meals would also have enough to probably feed the kids as well or get a extra portion of veg.

So, other than lawn and bins what exactly is the point of him? It doesn't sound like he enhances your life much.

Why on earth have you not noticed the Dine in for £x at every supermarket under the sun? That is what Saturdays ,Sundays are for and Friday night is choppy night. Alternatively I used to book a regular Sunday roast dinner at a local hotel so that we could all eat together and could socialise the children.

Ok, so work out where exactly you need help.
Talk to him….. is his expectation unreasonable……
There are loads of pubs etc That will deliver a Sunday roast if that’s all it’s about.
I suspect it’s more about him not understanding your needs……destress and talk.
what was he like pre kids?

So he doesn't get to see his kids at all during the week? He must really miss them. Let him take them out for at least one of the days.
(Heavy sarcasm in case it's not obvious)

Nobody is going to die without a roast dinner. I stopped doing a Sunday roast when the kids started leaving most of it (or feeding it to the dog, which was worse). We recouped part of our weekends by having buffet Sunday lunch (which could be eaten out in the garden in nice weather, thus saving the need to clean the kitchen/dining room afterwards).

Honestly. When life is frantic, simplify simplify simplify. And tell your DH to shut up whining.

So you work full time do everything whilst your husband potters some plants and takes the bins out… why are you putting up with this? Raise your standards.

at weekends, it’s a mad rush for me to try to get laundry done, children’s birthday parties, kids activities, family time etc etc. my husband tends to do garden chores, fixing things and bins.

Fuck that.
You do all the children care during the week. All of it. All the running. All the looking after. All the bedtimes. And then you get to do weekends, too, while he hides in the garden and pretending to 'fix things'? No one has that much to 'fix', especially as you're all out during the days.

Tell him he will now do the laundry, parties, activity running and sorts weekend meals etc while you push the lawn mower around the lawn.

FFS

Have you got a local laundry? We have one just up the road. You can drop you stuff in and collect it a day or two later all ironed and fresh. I don't need it myself at the moment except for duvets, but like to know it's there.

Yes it’s knackering working and raising small children - this cooking & meal planning drama you are both creating is madness. I really don’t understand the obsession with Sunday roasts or meal planning in general beyond the necessary - just drop it and make everybody’s life easier.

Are you able to have an hour's honest conversation with him and tell him you're overwhelmed and it's too much? You can also put it back on him to suggest ways around it if he wants meals at home on Sundays.

You can also just say no, and see where he goes with that. No is always an option. And you don't need to justify it either.

"No, regular Sunday roasts are not doable for me, I need time off too. Let's think up some alternatives."

As a pp said, Cook frozen meals are good quality. Pricey against home cooked but not against restaurant meals. You can get quality roast dinner shortcuts like roast potatoes, prepped veg, meat in foil trays, at M&S and Waitrose if he wants that kind of meal.

I was self-employed for years. I do understand how it works.

I told my husband I’m not making my usual elaborate Sunday dinner today and I’ll be ordering a takeaway, to which he seemed a bit annoyed. @notto

Why is he annoyed? You've suggested an alternative with a takeaway, and you've said you can afford it, so I honestly don't understand why he's annoyed.

YANBU, stop the habit now of Sunday lunches every week and only do them when you feel like it. Which may be never, not everyone does this and there shouldn't be any pressure.

short answer: if he wants a sunday lunch there's nothing stopping him from cooking it, with the caveat he cleans up (properly) after too.

long answer: spend the money you were spending on a gardener going out for lunch. you can get nice meals in a decent pub where you could be in and out in an hour to help with your 3 year old, or could even sit outside on a sunny day so he can run around. Although tbh I wouldn't want a sunday lunch every week anyway.

It never ceases to amaze me how many men in households where chores are split along gender lines honestly seem to think things like "bins" (5 min job once a week) and "laundry" (several hours every week) are an equal approximation.
Same with "mowing the lawn" (unless you live in buckingham palace a half hour job that only needs to be done every few weeks for half the year) and "cooking" (easily an hour every single day by the time you've including meal planning, shopping, prep, cooking and cleaning up after).

Only make a traditional Sunday lunch if and when you want to. And make your DH pitch in so it's not all on you. Whatever makes life more pleasant and easier for you is what you should be opting for. I have memories of many a stressful Sunday lunch where my dad had disappeared down to the pub and my mum was losing the plot because he wasn't back in time to carve the meat. Then we'd be berated for eating it so quickly (normal speed) when it took so long to prepare. Honestly, it was not fun. I never ever ever ever cook a Sunday roast now and never have and never will. DH occasionally does one as an evening meal. Wow I am actually surprised at the strength of my feelings about this!

The Sunday roasts is an easy one to drop. I'd also replace Saturday dinner with a picnic meal.

You need to build more leeway into your weekends or you're going to burn out. If your husband won't step up, book a fortnightly babysitter for Saturday morning and do something you want to do - gym, swimming, get them to take the kids out and catch up on sleep.

If he gets to spend his weekends mooching around doing non-jobs and avoiding family life, you need to build the same leeway in for you, with or without his help. Throw money at the problem if you have to.

He can make dinner himself if he doesn’t like it. Does he ever do that?

His "helpful" chores in the family are restful, peaceful, solo and take him away from family life. You are in the thick of it always and that is exhausting. He needs to spend more time doing the jobs you do, the garden can wait. The bins take less than 5 mins a week. Things that need fixing are rarely urgent and there will always be snagging.

Funny thing about when things are divided thus, men doing bins, garden and DIY, those jobs tail off seasonally or take mere minutes, whereas a domestic and life admin responsibility never ever ends. Time to share and swap jobs.

Suggest he could cook the Sunday roast and cleans the kitchen afterwards. Alternatively, if he doesn't want takeaway, send him to the supermarket for a rotisserie chicken and some ready prepped sides. YANBU to want a break from cooking at least once a week when your children are so young.

Of course small children are hard work in restaurants, taking them is how they learn how to behave but it takes time.

Cook are quite good aren’t they.

I often use the desserts for entertaining now.

What was he doing whilst you were out being busy with the kids from 11am till 4.30pm?

He sounds so lazy. Surely he can cook if it bothers him that much - and cook in a way that doesn’t fuck the kitchen up?! Or he could have taken the kids out?!!

There’s a woman near me who does a service wash: collects, washes, folds and returns. Lifesaver and really recommend. Find ways to do less if you can afford it. Outsource all the stuff DH should be doing. Sunday dinner can obviously fuck off. I am currently making vegan food DH will not eat. DD is making food for her sibs. Who knows what he was eat.

I also agree that you need a reset of who does what in your house. Does he spend any time with the children at all? It honestly doesn’t sound like it. That’s so sad for them.

Get the gardener back. Your husband needs to prioritise other things Little projects that he likes doing are not a priority when his wife is burning out juggling everything else and his kids never see him.