To have refused to make Sunday dinner today, actually

[notto]

My husband and I work full time, kids are 3 and 5.

it’s full on during the week. I take care of all the drop offs and pick ups and do bed time and dinner alone every night. My husband’s schedule won’t allow for any leeway during the week, he leaves before they get up and comes back when they’re sleep. It is what it is.

at weekends, it’s a mad rush for me to try to get laundry done, children’s birthday parties, kids activities, family time etc etc. my husband tends to do garden chores, fixing things and bins.

in any case, I get pretty overwhelmed at weekends because it just seems like the mess the kids make, the constant making food and clearing up, never stops. I know, it’s all normal. We all do it.

but I believe that I sometimes need a fucking break. I took the kids out at 11 am this morning to tennis and then took them to lunch and playground and park. I didn’t get back until 4:30 pm.

I told my husband I’m not making my usual elaborate Sunday dinner today and I’ll be ordering a takeaway, to which he seemed a bit annoyed.

yesterday I cooked. I don’t need to spend all fucking weekend cooking surely ? He always acts like he’s hard done by, if I’m not obsessing over what we are all going to eat. ‘ well what are we going to have for dinner ? ‘ he asks. Like how dare I not have been thinking about, all day ? Our mums are the types to just think about what they’re going to eat and have it all planned out. I don’t always.

I also don’t think it’s a big deal to get a Deliveroo tonight. I’ve done enough, I do enough. I’m also tired.

I don’t really like it when he cooks, because he fucks up the entire kitchen. So usually I just do it. He did tidy while I was out. He also tidied yesterday when I was in bed with a migraine. But still.

surely at the weekend, one meal out or one takeaway should be the norm at the very least, if not two( we can afford it ). With our schedule ! Some weekends I literally lose my mind, as it gets on top of me. So surely it’s better to try and give me a beak.

He does spend time with us on weekends generally.

well, there was a time when I did try to take the kids out on say a Saturday to give him some downtime.

but recently we do tend to do things as a family or he’ll take the youngest to a party and I’ll do something with my oldest.

we are also in a situation with the kids at the moment where they get upset unless I’m doing stuff with them, they don’t generally like doing things just with him. My youngest, sometimes will. But they just feel like they’re missing out, unless I’m also there. We tend to do things together recently, like I said. But I used to do a lot of stuff alone, even at weekends.

it was always because he never gets any down time. Whereas I work from home, so it’s assumed I have a bit more downtime. He’s out of the house, so it’s assumed his work load is a lot bigger than mine.

Which it is, in some ways. He’s on his feet all day. I’m not. He has a lot of stresses, which I can’t really get into here.

anyway, yes he needs to do more when he’s physically here. There’s just no getting around it. I shouldn’t need to slave over the stove all weekend. I shouldn’t be clearing up everyone’s shit all weekend long. I had a bit of a breakdown a few weeks ago, since then he’s taken some more responsibility at weekends. We need to create a solid routine, for meals, outings etc and just be more organised. That way, everyone knows what’s happening when - who’s responsible for what and how things will work.

so for example, Saturday he gets up with kids and does breakfast and clears everything after ( kids can help ).

I’ll do a light lunch and we go out for dinner or something.

Sunday I take them to activities and he either prepares our dinner or we go out / get a takeaway. It just needs to be planned out first.

I am not the most organised person and I do just get up at weekends and want to chill for a few hours. But we need to sit down before and plan it out. I hate planning, but I think it’s the only way forward here.

Sounds a good plan. Hope it makes the load feel easier.

Who cares if he seemed a bit annoyed about not having a fancy Sunday dinner? You made the decision - own it and ignore any pouting!

I am just astounded at the pouting tbh. And it really opened my eyes to how fucked us the expectation is in the first place.

he often talks about the good old days when he was a child and the amazing food culture that existed in his home and how everything was always centred around these amazing meals and how all the mums were doing this back then and it’s part of our culture / heritage that we are not going to be passing onto our kids because we just don’t do it / place as much importance on it and how much of a shame it is bla bla bla.

i didn’t realise how much that had manipulated me into cooking this particular meal on a Sunday.

Oooh no I don’t like that at all @notto - cultural guilt trips when he’s opted out of parenting? I might choose to die on that particular hill - that really is taking the piss.

A man who doesn't cook much complaining about food culture not being passed on 😅Speaks volumes about the assumptions he's making! Maybe you should start saying sorry I can't take kids out / do washing / clean bathroom, I need to watch my stock simmering for 3 hrs / grind the wheat for the pasta/ churn the butter. He probably won't notice you got it all from Tescos and you can put your feet up. Sorted! (your plan's probably more sensible though)

@notto it's about you both having equality of input. When the dc were small and I was a sahm, I did everything at home - admin, schools, house, children. DH was genuinely out from 7am until 9/9.30 pm and usually worked at the weekends. Pilot/surgeon genre.

When I went back to work full-time I did the school runs from 8.15, worked from 9.15 until 5.15/5.45. Collected DC from activities, did homework, checked what was needed for the following day, bed times, etc. We had an au-pair at this stage. We always had a cleaner/gardener, etc. We rendered the same amount of effort. I cooked at weekends and we did have a roast.

It was fine because we we were giving things equal time as a team.

It paid off because our joint effort led to the best schools, our home in France and a generally brilliant lifestyle.

Although we didn't have takeaways and tended only to eat out for special occasions, it wouldn't have been an issue of I'd said not today we're buying in.

Fortunately MIL couldn't cook. Had dh ever compared me to his mother, I'd have shown him the door.

I have a feeling that your dh is not bringing to the table what his absence at work should be bringing and you are shouldering the load in more ways than one and that your dh's expectations are somewhat misplaced.

Twat. Tell him to roll up his sleeves and get cooking if he wants to "pass on his food culture".

Did you mention that in the good old days many women weren't working full-time out of the house?

Has he realised a lot of women didn't work or worked part time then? or hasn't he made that mental adjustment? I would remind him of the 'good old days when men were traditionally the breadwinners and women didn't work'.

Use that anger OP to guard against his manipulation tactics.

learn to grey rock. If he starts going on about food culture just say “oh right” or “I see” or “mmm” then go and do something else or just relax. Don’t give it any wind, positive or negative.

I bet you start to notice him being manipulative in other ways too. Learn to notice, breathe, and not respond.

Moaning that WE don't do it ... food culture.

He means YOU don't do it. (WHILE managing his children as he pisses off to putter.)

Tell him the kitchen is his domain at weekends to ensure his children don't miss out on what he's moaning about.

You are of course within your rights to get a chippy tea and to feel grumpy about your h's reaction. But I can see 3 things happening here that are perhaps fixable -

1. He didn't greet a takeaway idea with applause despite the fact that you've had the kids all day and have thought of a dinner idea. Stop feeling upset if he doesn't love your ideas. I did sometimes feel disappointed if I'm honest with what my dh made for dinner when he was at home full time but my God I never for a minute thought it was appropriate to say so.If he wants a roast he can make it. And tell him you expect some pleasant interaction when you each do things for the other.

1. But also if he asks what's for dinner at the weekend, say you don't know, what does he propose?

1. You don't want to outsource childcare or cooking more than you already do because you've worked out it doesn't reduce your stress - fine. But you hate laundry and it's a burden. So outsource that. Talk to a cleaning agency about you having some dirty washing baskets somewhere accessible with a keysafe, and employ someone to pick up your washing and return it to an airing cupboard or similar ironed and sorted into piles for each of you (you might need to start marking your clothes more, laundry pens probably easiest).

He's a shit husband and absent father.
His go to is the garden project to further avoid family life.

How are finances split?
I would be looking at splitting up and see how that lands.

Before your health gives out.

15 years ago my friend was married to a man like your husband.
Nothing would get through to him.
She quietly packed one friday evening before he came home and had her boot ready.
Left him a note and was gone by 6am for a week away.
Her parents and friends knew she was fine.
She took her sisters empty holiday home and a week off work.

She told his parents what she was doing.

He couldn't play golf because he had two under 5 to look after.
Her in laws were good people and didn't step in.
He had to take an emergency week of holidays.

She returned and told him she wanted a divorce.
He spent a long time asking for another chance.
She gave it to him and he did step up a lot.

Unfortunately something had broken in her and she told him 5 years later they were done.
She told him she had tried but she just no longer loved him.

He's been a good father overall and I know that he has huge regrets.
She is a much happier woman since divorcing him.

We often do a roast chicken with salad and new potatoes on a Sunday, much less hassle than a full roast and everyone enjoys it. That said, we had curry yesterday!

You also need to show that you don’t get any downtime just because you WFH. He gets down time on his commute, on his lunch time too probably.

He sounds really quite manipulative actually.

if it’s so important to him why doesn’t he devote his life to cooking amazing meals (and cleaning up the kitchen after)

Washing up is a tricky one I always think.

It sounds fair to say one cooks the other clears up, but not everyone makes the same kind of mess. Also others clear up as they go, whereas others produce a trail of dirty pots and pans. I therefore think this is a good system: each person has start to finish responsibility for their meal.

Just don't have the sunday dinner. I NEVER make one, just can't be bothered with all the fuss. You need to cut back on all these things you're doing and take time for yourself.

I bet his mum wasn’t working full time and looking after children.
I just wanted to say OP that where I am you can get Sunday dinner delivered from our local family pubs (voted best in the town 😂) if you have the same it would seem a fair compromise

Totally understand where you are coming from...l hate cooking, asking all the time what they want to eat and they reply "l don't know" ...Drives me mad. My dh cannot cook at all, nearest he gets is putting 3 weetabix in a bowl, for himself, ofcourse. I agree with other posts, make Sunday a family time, when you can go out to eat, they have what the hell they want and, you have no cleaning up to do...

I bought a Ninja Speedi, it's a revelation. I can cook a roast in it in less than an hour and crack on with other stuff/ have a drink and a nap while it cooks. It really has changed my life. During the week there is a 15 minute meal option, that for me is quicker than ordering a takeaway and using the basic airfry for a couple of minutes to warm it up and then the steam airfry function, I can roast a whole chicken, potatoes and veg in one non stick pot in under an hour. Less washing up too.

See the MN man-haters out in force as usual. You already said you don’t like him cooking (which I sure he got the message about). So if he doesn’t cook you can hardly complain. (And you also note he cleaned this weekend, so maybe he feels
like he cleans, you cook).

Go out for a nice Sunday roast all together or something different... that's proper family time nice & relaxed no dishes or clearing away.
Stop them and make new plans now shake it up a bit.. I never cook a Sunday roast I'm not slaving over a stove all day while life is passing by .

YANBU

Tell him the 1950's called, they want their patriarchy back. 🙄

This boils my piss, mainly because it's a battle I fought and lost with dh, who never stepped up.

He just declared none of it needed to be done, so I went on strike and we now live in a dirty, untidy house, where no-one cooks.

I sometimes dream of a different reality. When the kids were little, I actually nearly left but realised every possible alternative left me poorer and still doing it all. 😔

I stayed.

What do you mean "he acted a bit annoyed"? Unless he complained that you weren't cooking a dinner it sounds like you are making a fuss because you are tired and overwhelmed, not because of dinner. If you usually, by your own admission, are the boss of the kitchen then asking you if there was a plan for dinner was reasonable. You just respond, I'm really tired, don't feel like cooking. What about a take away? No need for all the "cooking every f....ing weekend" rant on here. If by annoyed you mean he said you should cook just calmly point out you cook 5 evenings, had been out all day and am now taking a break. Just communicate. Your op sounds very angry over dinner.