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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To put my foot down when he tries to drop our plans tonight because he's had a better offer?

214 replies

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 17:14

Things haven't been great with our relationship for a while so we are doing a 'Relationship Reset'. We did the first session a few weeks ago, and had planned to do the second session last night. But he decided to drink last night, and he himself was strict first time saying we can't do this when one of us has been drinking. So we postponed it until tonight.

Now this afternoon he drops on me that he's going out tonight. I said to him we were doing this relationship talk tonight? I said no I would prefer you to stick to our plans and not just drop them when you get a better offer.
He said we can do it any other night, doesn't have to be tonight, we actually didn't confirm it (which is not true, not sure how we should confirm plans, should I email him and get him to confirm in writing?!) He said this party he's been invited to is only tonight and we can do our talk any time.

I said it really is hurtful when you drop our plans as soon as you get a better invite. I feel you are de-prioritising me and our relationship. He denied it and said I was being rigid.

I'm actually feeling quite upset that I feel sick that he won't agree to stick to his plans and prioritise me. Am I being too rigid? I was looking forward to tonight to reconnect and progress things with him, so I'm feeling sad.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 24/05/2025 17:15

If he was interested in your relationship, he would be interested in your relationship. He is interested in other things.

Now you know.

Kathbrownlow · 24/05/2025 17:15

Looks to me like you've backed a loser. Relationships shouldn't be so full of angst.

tigerlily9 · 24/05/2025 17:17

I’m afraid he’s told you what priority the relationship is. He’s checked out. Sorry

Zucker · 24/05/2025 17:19

He knows you're going nowhere, so the "reset" can happen anytime. He's only agreeing to doing the reset to shut you up in the moment, are you going to put up with that?

SophieJo · 24/05/2025 17:21

He’s not interested enough in you.

Daleksatemyshed · 24/05/2025 17:23

He doesn't want to talk about the state of your relationship Op, he wants to go to the pub with his friends or get drunk at home, anything that keeps the talking at bay. So now you know where you stand, sorry Op

Skinthin · 24/05/2025 17:25

What is a “relationship reset”? To be fair I think most men (and women?) would prefer to go to a party than have an anxsty / fraught heart to heart about a relationship that wasn’t in the best place. If I were you I’d take a step back . It doesn’t sound like this relationship is going well and beating it with a stick isn’t going to help. He’s prioritising having a good time with friends. You should as well and pick it up again if and when it feels like something you both really want to prioritise.

Azandme · 24/05/2025 17:26

So he's actually deprioritised you and your relationship twice in two days. Once for drink, and once for a party?

I'd tell him he got flexibility last night - then I'd tell the selfish prick I was done.

Never stay where you are not valued. Twice in two days? You are definitely not valued by him.

Turniptracker · 24/05/2025 17:27

Well he sounds like quite the catch...

JingsMahBucket · 24/05/2025 17:28

@Northwinds cut him loose and move on with your life. You deserve much better 💐

EG94 · 24/05/2025 17:29

If it were me I’d send this.

Thank you for the memories however I don’t think we are aligned with our priorities so I will continue to move through life without you. All the best

then I’d block

Springtime97 · 24/05/2025 17:29

You feel upset and sick cos you know deep down this is the end. He doesn’t value you or the relationship or he’d prioritise your time together.

SummertimeFeelingFine · 24/05/2025 17:29

It really shouldn't be this much hard work.

Let it go now before you waste your whole life.

Lovelynames123 · 24/05/2025 17:31

He's just not that into you...if he was it wouldn't cross his mind to ditch you for a party. Dump him, don't let him dictate your relationship because he's obviously not that invested in it. Sorry, throw this one back, you can do better!

ArtTheClown · 24/05/2025 17:31

Give it up, it shouldn't be hard work like this. Not that it's hard work for him though is it?

S0j0urn4r · 24/05/2025 17:33

It shouldn't be this hard. Time to let go.

FutureCatMum · 24/05/2025 17:35

There’s only one of you trying to save the relationship, he’s already checked out. Save your energy and end it now. He knows the stakes and he’s told you clearly where his priorities are. Sorry but I don’t think this is salvageable.

GettingFestiveNow · 24/05/2025 17:35

He said this party he's been invited to is only tonight and we can do our talk any time.

Do you have kids? I can't think of another reason why you'd bother hanging around for him.

VaddaABeetch · 24/05/2025 17:36

A man I was with once said ‘I’m not ignoring you, I’m prioritising you’.

That told me all I needed to know.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 24/05/2025 17:37

Been there done that. Accept it is over. Work on resetting your relationship with yourself.
Your decide your worth and what other people can do to you.

TimeForTeaAndG · 24/05/2025 17:38

What is a relationship reset? Don't you just chat about things as and when they arise rather than needing to do a full overhaul?

Who raised the idea of doing this? Who organised it? Who said yeah ok whatever, if you want?

Anyway, he's prioritising drinking and partying over you. A party that you're not invited to? Did he ask you to join him?

MemorableTrenchcoat · 24/05/2025 17:41

A multi-session relationship reset? No wonder he’s off to the pub instead!

ConstitutionHill · 24/05/2025 17:41

Skinthin · 24/05/2025 17:25

What is a “relationship reset”? To be fair I think most men (and women?) would prefer to go to a party than have an anxsty / fraught heart to heart about a relationship that wasn’t in the best place. If I were you I’d take a step back . It doesn’t sound like this relationship is going well and beating it with a stick isn’t going to help. He’s prioritising having a good time with friends. You should as well and pick it up again if and when it feels like something you both really want to prioritise.

Edited

Good advice.

Northwinds · 24/05/2025 17:42

Azandme · 24/05/2025 17:26

So he's actually deprioritised you and your relationship twice in two days. Once for drink, and once for a party?

I'd tell him he got flexibility last night - then I'd tell the selfish prick I was done.

Never stay where you are not valued. Twice in two days? You are definitely not valued by him.

true, he did get flexibility last night. It's the principle I am bothered about, not the actual party, yes we could do it another night but no it's the fact he feels I'll always be there to pick up when he can be arsed to.

OP posts:
WhereIsMyJumper · 24/05/2025 17:42

I have never heard of a “relationship reset” and it doesn’t sound like a great way to spend an eve. If you even need that in the first place, then this isn’t for you. Especially if you’re the only one fighting for it