To put my foot down when he tries to drop our plans tonight because he's had a better offer?

[Northwinds]

Things haven't been great with our relationship for a while so we are doing a 'Relationship Reset'. We did the first session a few weeks ago, and had planned to do the second session last night. But he decided to drink last night, and he himself was strict first time saying we can't do this when one of us has been drinking. So we postponed it until tonight.

Now this afternoon he drops on me that he's going out tonight. I said to him we were doing this relationship talk tonight? I said no I would prefer you to stick to our plans and not just drop them when you get a better offer.
He said we can do it any other night, doesn't have to be tonight, we actually didn't confirm it (which is not true, not sure how we should confirm plans, should I email him and get him to confirm in writing?!) He said this party he's been invited to is only tonight and we can do our talk any time.

I said it really is hurtful when you drop our plans as soon as you get a better invite. I feel you are de-prioritising me and our relationship. He denied it and said I was being rigid.

I'm actually feeling quite upset that I feel sick that he won't agree to stick to his plans and prioritise me. Am I being too rigid? I was looking forward to tonight to reconnect and progress things with him, so I'm feeling sad.

The course is a waste of time. He doesnt want to change his actions and he doesn't respect you.

you are wasting your time.

Relationship reset is an actual thing and he has agreed to it. Not sure I did say he had flexibility last night in those words,but I think another poster said this.

It's not supposed to be negative, but fair enough you think it sounds it :)

Absolutely this. He just hasn't told you it's over.

I don’t think this is about tonight at all . I think you have bigger problems than just sitting down talking about your rship . He is prioritising his drinking and I suspect he’s hiding a big problem that you’re ignoring .

Youre doing all this with your kids by yourself anyway so what does he bring to the table ? He gets his bread buttered at home .

Time to shape up or ship out .

Thank you, I see your point.
Also, thing is he never had these 'plans' to cancel. This party invite was out of the blue and he only got a text about it this afternoon, after we had already agreed our plans.

Is the relationship reset a set program/manual you're following? Is it a book laying out the steps to follow?

He hasnt agreed to it though.

ignore what he says and look at what he does.

did he do the session? No.

im wondering this aswell

OP, I notice you haven’t used the word alcoholic.

These are the behaviours of alcoholics and addicts. The drink comes before you and the family, but also their fun, excitement, dopamine chasing comes before you too.

Have you any support irl for this? Al-anon or a group like that?

I think if you have a "breakdown relationship reset.it means that you are struggling. I once read that a relationship can only go 2 ways if you marry or live together or not.i think this is quite true

But again, does that not show you how he truly feels? Why would you beg him to stick to your plans? If you have to force him to attend your “relationship reset” then that entirely defeats the point anyway, yes? You can’t force someone to love you and you can’t force someone to make an effort, as I say, he’s showing you with his actions where you & your relationship come on his priority list- believe him.

I agree.

Which is exactly why I pointed out in my post that - due to the fact we had no family who could babysit, we put in the effort to find people we could pay to babysit. I knew that would be someone's response so I pre-empted it.

So it’s not even a party, it’s just drinks at a pub?

YANBU. He doesn’t give a shit.

Don't reset, shut down.

Have you actually RTFT, or at least all of @Northwinds comments? I don't think you have because if you read them all there's no way you'd be kicking her. His behavior is the problem, not the words that she uses.

I think there is literature about it. This is a sample recommendation (from AI) about relationship resets:
A relationship reset involves both individuals actively working towards rebuilding trust, connection, and a healthier dynamic. This can be achieved through open communication, acknowledging past mistakes, and setting healthy boundaries. Couples can also benefit from creating shared goals, engaging in individual growth work, and potentially seeking couples counseling.

Here's a more detailed breakdown:

1. Open and Honest Communication:

Express feelings: Share your feelings, concerns, and expectations with your partner openly and honestly.

Active listening: Practice active listening without interrupting or preparing a response.

Acknowledge mistakes: Apologize sincerely for past mistakes and work towards forgiveness and healing.

1. Rebuilding Trust:

Consistency: Be reliable and transparent in your actions and words.

Keeping promises: Fulfill commitments to demonstrate trustworthiness.

Building intimacy: Focus on small, daily acts of kindness to rebuild emotional intimacy.

1. Setting Boundaries:

Healthy boundaries: Establish and respect your own boundaries and your partner's, ensuring both partners feel respected and valued.

Individual growth: Continue to work on individual growth (and encourage your partner).

1. Creating Shared Goals:

Shared activities: Plan fun activities and experiences together.
Shared goals: Work towards long-term objectives as a team.
Making plans: Make plans together for vacations, home renovations, or even just new experiences.

1. Seeking Professional Help:

Couples counseling: Consider seeking guidance from a therapist for tools to navigate challenges.

Individual therapy: Addressing personal insecurities or unresolved issues can be beneficial.

1. Other Tips:

Gratitude and appreciation: Express gratitude and appreciation for your partner.
Quality time: Make time for date nights and alone time.
Rekindling spark: Try new things together to spice up your relationship.
Forgiveness and healing: Create space for forgiveness and healing from past hurts.
Important Considerations:
Patience and dedication: A fresh start requires patience and dedication from both partners.

Individual responsibility: Take responsibility for your own behavior and actions.

Commitment: Ensure both partners are genuinely committed to making it work.

Relationship Reset Fallacy: Be aware that a "reset" is not an instant fix and requires consistent effort.

Seeking professional help: If the relationship is deeply damaged, consider professional guidance.

Couldn't be arsed with all that. Throw him out. You aren't his priority.

AI may make this sound workable but your dh is just a shit human being so he can’t rise to the challenge set by an artificial one. He doesn’t care about you or the reset. There is nothing you can do about that. He has the control—as addicts snd alcoholics akways do. The power to ignore you snd frustrate you and agree with you then refuse to keep the agreement.

OP I’d suggest you fry Al-anon for some support. I agree with those saying that the drinking is a real problem here and I feel like you are so close and so used to it that you can’t see it. This will be doing real damage to your kids.

Reach out for support. You need to make some tough decisions. We are all here for you too

@Northwinds

But I've tried to set some boundaries and said he should try and not go out every weekend.

You don't set boundaries for other people, they get to set their own whether we like it or not. It's only up to you to decide whether or not want to accept the boundaries they set for themselves. But actually, in a healthy relationship one partner considers the other before 'acting'. When that happens, boundaries per se don't really need to be set.

Thing is he can't control his drinking, so if he does go out, on, say, a Friday night, if I leave him to it, he will sleep in til noon and then be a bit of a slob/hungover all day, sleeping on the sofa at times and just generally not being available much to parent or spend quality time with the kids.

So, he's an alcoholic. An alcoholic isn't just the bum on Skid Row drinking cheap hooch from a brown paper bag. An alcoholic is someone who cannot control their drinking, period. Whether it's going on benders every night or a bender once in a blue moon, it's still the inability to stop once they've started. I suggest you contact your local chapter of Al-Anon. You may find it helpful and informative.

FWIW, I don't think these 'resets' will do any good. He is who he is and you are who you are. If you have to keep 'resetting' something, then chances are it's not that good in the first place. I mean, if I had a clock that kept losing or gaining time, I wouldn't keep 'resetting' it. I'd get a new clock! Not that I'm proposing you find a new husband, just to decide whether the one you have that you have to 'reset' is worth keeping.

Listen, my marriage (35+ years) hasn't been a complete bed of roses. DH and I have certainly had our 'moments', especially when our children were young. But we've never had to 'reset' our relationship. We've apologized for our actions, forgiven each other, picked up from where we left off, and continued down our road.

Agree, definitely the behaviour of addicts. I have used the term alcoholic to describe him, but he is adament that he is not an alcoholic, he says he sometimes struggles to control his drinking. He started seeing a therapist about it for over a year now.

His therapist has given his opinion that he is doing wonderfully and made great progress, he says he doesn't believe he's an alcoholic. Which isn't helpful, cos he then feels very validated by his therapist.

I think he can be a high functioning alcholic when he wants to be. But, he's been very clear with me he's not an alcoholic. I think label it whatever you want, you can't control your drinking. For him alcohol is like Pringles, once you pop...

Admittedly he has got better than say between 3 and 7 years ago. But still too dependent on it and you still don't know when he will stop drinking when he starts.

I have joined the al anon facebook groups, I'm not sure it's for me. They are about doing your own thing and living your own life, and whilst I do think having own interests and things helps take away the focus on the addict, to enable yourself to have less stress, it's not great having to almost have separate lives (although in no way do I claim to know that's exactly what they are about, that's just the gist I get from it).

It's really hard when children are involved. We have young children too.

Thank you for taking the time to post. Yes, he's very good at setting his boundaries, but I should have boundaries too, no? Generally I guess you could say that it's about that compromise.
We are going to have couples counselling, just need to arrange it.

Of course he's adamant. He's an addict. If he admitted it, he'd have to also face himself. No addict wants to do that because they'd then have to deal with, not only their addiction, but the destruction they leave in their wake.

His therapist says that, hey? And you've heard that from the horse's mouth have you? Because if this is what your H has told you, it's absolute bullshit. And if his therapist has said that then either your H is lying to him through his teeth about his drinking OR his therapist needs reporting.

Al-Anon isn't about living a life separate from 'your' alcoholic. It's about not allowing their alcoholism to rule you. Part of that can be finding your own interests and your own identity and doing that doesn't mean you don't also have a shared life. 'Spouse/parent/child of an alcoholic' isn't an identity anyone wants. But it's the identity the alcoholic wants us to have because it means we're putting them and their needs before our own selves. That's is the very definition of selfish.

I'd suggest you attend a few Al-Alon meetings. I think you'd get more understanding of their program 'in person'. And if by some chance you're afraid to go because of his possible 'reaction', well that doubly means that you should go.

So you leave.

Why are you putting yourself and your children through this?

He’s made it clear he doesn’t care about his relationship with you, or his relationship with his children; he’d rather get drunk and lie on the sofa half asleep than interact with them. He prioritises going out to drink with someone he barely knows over trying to resolve things with you and keep his family together.

You know the answer to this already. It won’t change. He’s had a year of therapy and he’s still drinking and still can’t be bothered with you or his children. Why would you stay in this relationship where you are treated with contempt?