To put my foot down when he tries to drop our plans tonight because he's had a better offer?

[Northwinds]

Things haven't been great with our relationship for a while so we are doing a 'Relationship Reset'. We did the first session a few weeks ago, and had planned to do the second session last night. But he decided to drink last night, and he himself was strict first time saying we can't do this when one of us has been drinking. So we postponed it until tonight.

Now this afternoon he drops on me that he's going out tonight. I said to him we were doing this relationship talk tonight? I said no I would prefer you to stick to our plans and not just drop them when you get a better offer.
He said we can do it any other night, doesn't have to be tonight, we actually didn't confirm it (which is not true, not sure how we should confirm plans, should I email him and get him to confirm in writing?!) He said this party he's been invited to is only tonight and we can do our talk any time.

I said it really is hurtful when you drop our plans as soon as you get a better invite. I feel you are de-prioritising me and our relationship. He denied it and said I was being rigid.

I'm actually feeling quite upset that I feel sick that he won't agree to stick to his plans and prioritise me. Am I being too rigid? I was looking forward to tonight to reconnect and progress things with him, so I'm feeling sad.

Tells you all you need to know sadly OP.

This is perfectly correct. Unfortunately for OP he isn’t committed to spending time with her at all—especially not time dedicated to something she wants.

It doesn't feel good does it - gut instinct says to me that there's a fundamental flaw in the relationship (right bloke, wrong time perhaps?). For me it sounds like you both want different things right now. However hard it seems, it might be best to call it a day for the moment. Perhaps it's the wake up call the fella needs.

@Northwinds

<reaches in pocket, pulls out the usual 'nuggets of wisdom'>

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them"

"You might possibly sponge the spots off a leopard, but he remains a leopard just the same"

"Keep doing what you do, you'll keep getting what you get"

So, what are you going to do now?

This very clearly shows his priorities, and it's definitely not you & your relationship. My personal opinion is that if your relationship needs a 'reset' then it's likely not the right relationship for either of you (especially if one of you is far more invested in actually trying to 'reset' than the other).
From what you've said, your relationship has run its course. Leave with dignity rather than wasting your time & energy trying to persuade your partner to fix it when it sounds like he's already check out.

He doesn't care about this "Relationship Reset". He couldn't make it any clearer that he's checked out of your relationship. I mean, he's acting like he's single.

Time to make it so.

Do you want to do every bit of everything to hold onto a man who doesn't care?

I honestly don't think that there is a relationship here to 'reset' you are sadly not his priority. I think it's time for you to move on 💐

You need to press eject and not reset.

For relationship resets to work both partners have to be really in it and committed to fixing things.

He's not. He's so not that he's only managed to do one session and now thinks "righto, that'll do, back to normal" and is expecting you to just put up with his absolutely pathetic effort.

Maybe don't put up with it.

It won't be all angsty, and it's not once a week every week. We did the first part a few weeks ago and doing the 'reconnecting' and agreeing shared goals/plans now. So it's like a one-off set of talks ( I would imagine one more really) then that sets agreed plans to move forward.

Get a babysitter and go to the party with him. Why sit at home and make plans, just do it. Or something else

It sounds batshit and incredibly boring, and is obviously driving him away from you even more.

You resent him for going out tonight and he would resent you if you made him stay in.

Some people just aren't compatible.

You sound sad and completely done-in 💐

yes... i think what you say is insightful. 😔

Well, he is actively showing you that you neither have shared goals nor plans! He has already moved forward, without you.

This party… when was it arranged?

If it’s been in the diary for weeks and he just forgot that when he postponed after drinking, then I could understand he doesn’t want to ditch a long arranged invite.

If he just got invited today… not ok. He’d already made plans with you.

He has already shown you who he is and where you are in his life... take this as your answer to the future.

So you live together and have shared children but he was out drinking last night and at a party tonight? Is that a normal weekend for him?

I think you need to move on OP, he's not the one.

Sounds like you're the housekeeper/nanny and he's the "free spirit" that does whatever he likes. And sadly, you've likely enabled him to do so. You try to break the cycle but he's resisting it.

Is he honestly worth you fighting for?

What does the re-set involve? If it’s a forced, scheduled conversation it sounds very uninviting compared to a night out with friends…

OP, there are few potential things going on here and none is good for you and the kids:

1. He is happy with what he is doing already and doesn't want a reset and thinks you will give in. He will fit in a chat when it suits him, he is his priority and whilst you pick up the slack he will continue putting him first.
2. He really doesn't care and doesn't have the balls to say so, it will be an inconvenience if you split up but he feels that is your loss and wants you to be the one to make the split so he can play "poor me" - "look what she did to our family"
3. Or, he knows he is pushing it and knows he is taking advantage and in tends to stretch this out as long as you allow him because he doesn't believe you have the balls to issue ultimatums.
4. He genuinely has no idea what the issue is, thinks its all in your head and you need to sort yourself out, because he is fine as he is!
5. He is dodging the subject as he is scared of losing you.

Only you know which it is but as y9u have already tried to reasonably talk to him, at the very least you need to mirror his behaviour to get your point across or kick him out. Maybe then he will get the message that you are serious.

How can he have the cheek to deny something that's he's blatantly doing.

He just feels like we can do this 'whenever'.....
Whenever?
Whenever he can be bothered to spare you a bit of his time, until then you can either choose to wait until such time arises, or make a decision for yourself and what's best for your own future.

I've just found out he got the invite this afternoon only. And it's from someone who is a regular at the pub he goes to. So not even a good friend. And he sees them every week anyway.

Shared young children. If I never said a thing then he would go out at least once a weekend, and during the week too.

But I've tried to set some boundaries and said he should try and not go out every weekend. Thing is he can't control his drinking, so if he does go out, on, say, a Friday night, if I leave him to it, he will sleep in til noon and then be a bit of a slob/hungover all day, sleeping on the sofa at times and just generally not being available much to parent or spend quality time with the kids.

So he now doesn't always go out at the weekend, probably every other weekend. He'll go out during the week though.

Last night he was drinking but at home.

You are trying to change a man.

Yes, he probably needs to change but you can't change him, he needs to want to change himself.

He doesn't want to change at all.

You can want, hope, wish, dream, cajole etc but it won't happen. He is who he is and he isn't changing it because it's working for him.

You are attempting mission impossible.