To put my foot down when he tries to drop our plans tonight because he's had a better offer?

[Northwinds]

Things haven't been great with our relationship for a while so we are doing a 'Relationship Reset'. We did the first session a few weeks ago, and had planned to do the second session last night. But he decided to drink last night, and he himself was strict first time saying we can't do this when one of us has been drinking. So we postponed it until tonight.

Now this afternoon he drops on me that he's going out tonight. I said to him we were doing this relationship talk tonight? I said no I would prefer you to stick to our plans and not just drop them when you get a better offer.
He said we can do it any other night, doesn't have to be tonight, we actually didn't confirm it (which is not true, not sure how we should confirm plans, should I email him and get him to confirm in writing?!) He said this party he's been invited to is only tonight and we can do our talk any time.

I said it really is hurtful when you drop our plans as soon as you get a better invite. I feel you are de-prioritising me and our relationship. He denied it and said I was being rigid.

I'm actually feeling quite upset that I feel sick that he won't agree to stick to his plans and prioritise me. Am I being too rigid? I was looking forward to tonight to reconnect and progress things with him, so I'm feeling sad.

He’s obviously not being truthful with his therapist .

My partner died due to drink and drugs and let me tell you they will lie til they have no breath left . I found empty cans everywhere . He used to tell me he was at his therapy and really he was at his sisters getting money for drink .

Alcoholics will never prioritise you or anyone but themselves . They are addicts . They are selfish . It’s time for you to look after yourself and your kids coz he’s not going too .

The point I'm making is that in a healthy marriage neither of you really need to set boundaries at all. Because it is about compromise, and compromise doesn't need boundaries. Boundaries are to keep someone OUT or to keep them IN. Compromises are 'free' and 'open' and work for both parties. But there are no possible compromises when you're dealing with an addict. Addiction is to destructive for compromise.

I'm not sure couple's counseling is such a good idea. As long as he's in denial about his alcoholism what would be the point? He'd be denying there's a problem and you'd be trying to 'set boundaries'. Sounds like a waste of time to me. Now, if you want to start seeing a counselor on your own that may not be a bad idea. Examine your own mindset to see if the way you're seeing things is healthy and constructive for you. And if not, what mindset would be healthy and constructive for you.

And you need to understand that (Al-Anon again!) "You didn't cause this, you can't control this, you can't cure this".

Basically he’s shown you his true colours.

He’d rather go to a party ( without you) than discuss your relationship, as agreed yesterday.

Hardly a Rejationship Reset, more like a running away.

@Blackcountrychik83

'My' alcoholic is my brother. He's in recovery now, thank God. But there was a time I just knew 'that call' would come. It was serious enough that at one point, when we were going to be gone RVing for about 3 months, I made 'preneed' plans for his direct cremation so my sons wouldn't have to do anything other than make one phone call.

I've never been to this pub as he goes on his own for his 'me' time and so I don't know this acquaintance of his

When do you get to go out for your 'me' time?

Honestly I think you’re flogging a dead horse. Relationship reset sounds a bit formal, a bit forced somehow. But he is clearly not interested in doing anything to save this relationship.

There's your answer. He's got better things to do than work on the relationship. I'd call it a day. Sorry op.

He has reset the relationship - he's kicked it into the long grass.

It’s slightly painful to see you piling all this effort and angst and structured thinking into a bog-standard beer-and-boobs bloke who isn’t remotely interested in the quality of “the relationship” and isn’t likely to be. Sows’ ears leap to mind, I’m afraid.

@Northwinds

Lovely, you may have read a lot of words today about alcoholics and their loved ones that may seem unkind, unsupportive, or argumentative. And we've given you a LOT to think about, some of it may be painful. But please understand that we have written from experience and with compassion and understanding.

You have tough decisions ahead of you. But they don't have to be made today. As long as you and your children are not in physical or emotional danger, take your time, seek out resources, get help, and consider wisely.

The short answer is -
He only agreed to a relationship reset to shut you up, not because he wants it.

Agree. You accepted crumbs. I think you know this in your heart. If he was really serious about the reset, he'd engage with it. He's giving just enough to keep you hanging on.

Sadly I agree with this

You are getting a lot of flack on here, which I don’t understand. The relationship reset sounds like self guided couples counselling.

Those saying they would be happy with a last minute party invite taking priority/ being more fun would you feel the same if it was a more formal counselling session.

OP I agree with you- he is putting you last. Which he we’ll always do as he is an alcoholic

You can’t change him - only he can do that - but you can change you.

This.

I'd block without sending any message.
He's just not into you.

Split up. There's nothing to save.

You can’t fix an alcoholic. If they’re going to change, they have to make 100% all the effort.

Please stop thinking a ‘reset’ can fix this. It won’t. He will relapse and prioritise the drink again. You need to focus on you and the children.

Contact al-anon and get some real life support from people who know how this goes. Your children deserve better and growing up with an alcoholic parent in the home is damaging them, even if you can’t see it. (Personal experience)

OP, start making plans for how you will go it alone.
He is not committed to you or his children.
You deserve better than this.
Tell your family and friends the truth so you have support.
Drinking is his priority, not his family.

The sheer lack of understanding around addictions on MN is astounding. Heavy drinkers are not always alcoholics, and alcoholics can stop drinking for the rest of their lives. It depends on the addict, it's not a forgone conclusion.

OP I'm sorry you are in this situation it's obviously not ok to keep pushing back plans to work on you relationship. I can't offer any advice that hasn't already been said but I do hope you can get back on track and work things out.

@Northwinds

This! ⬆️ He doesn't give a shit. He sounds like a prick. Ditch him.

@Northwinds

Just seen that you have kids together. That complicates things but I still think you need to get rid of him. He would rather repeatedly prioritise random pub mates & booze over his partner & small children?? I mean, that alone would be enough for me. What exactly do you get out of having this selfish man-child in your life? He just sounds like another thing you have to deal with. Ugh. Would give me the ick.

Totally besides the point and pretty much false. Both heavy and “light” drinkers can meet criteria for alcohol abuse disorder whatever local terminology or culture says. The word “alcoholic “ really frightens and repels UK posters but its a technical term for someone who meets criteria (roughly: drinking more than you intend, drinking to incapacitate, drinking that interferes with normal life duties, drinking that cannot be controlled, drinking that takes over, drinking that has been flagged by others as problematic…etc…). The OP’s DH clearly meets criteria.

While mumsnet is generally unforgiving in re addictions, seeing addicts as weak and unlikely to manage or overcome their addiction, it is really far more accepting of alcohol abuse or dependency. In keeping with UK standards and cultural practices around male alcohol use and male social bonding mumsnet is usually very forgiving of (for example): binge drinking, blackout drunk drinking, drinking until the drinker vomits or is incapacitated for a day post event.

The place where mumsnet usually takes a hard line is in supporting women who are trying to work with a person in active addiction who does not/can not/will not participate in family life or in the relationship.

That’s this dude. An active addict is never going to be a reliable partner for a non addict. If both share the addiction or have complementary addictions the relationship can roll along pretty merrily (codependency is one way of describing it). But OP wants something else for herself and her children than being the afterthought in a drunkard’s life.

You have absolutely no need to lecture me about alcoholism.

And yes it is part of the point, people keep mentioning he's an alcoholic and how he's never going to change. They don't know any of that.

What hope do the kids in this “family” have of possibly knowing what a loving healthy marriage and family environment is, given their childhoods will have been in this shit show of a couple