To put my foot down when he tries to drop our plans tonight because he's had a better offer?

[Northwinds]

Things haven't been great with our relationship for a while so we are doing a 'Relationship Reset'. We did the first session a few weeks ago, and had planned to do the second session last night. But he decided to drink last night, and he himself was strict first time saying we can't do this when one of us has been drinking. So we postponed it until tonight.

Now this afternoon he drops on me that he's going out tonight. I said to him we were doing this relationship talk tonight? I said no I would prefer you to stick to our plans and not just drop them when you get a better offer.
He said we can do it any other night, doesn't have to be tonight, we actually didn't confirm it (which is not true, not sure how we should confirm plans, should I email him and get him to confirm in writing?!) He said this party he's been invited to is only tonight and we can do our talk any time.

I said it really is hurtful when you drop our plans as soon as you get a better invite. I feel you are de-prioritising me and our relationship. He denied it and said I was being rigid.

I'm actually feeling quite upset that I feel sick that he won't agree to stick to his plans and prioritise me. Am I being too rigid? I was looking forward to tonight to reconnect and progress things with him, so I'm feeling sad.

They don’t know

but on the balance of probabilities, they’re correct

@Northwinds, it sounds like you need to go to Al-Anon more than you need to do an AI relationship reset.

Who knows, but that's kind of the point really. Who knows.

I think this is good advice. It’s certainly what I would do in similar circumstances.

No but as posters, we use the information provided by the OP and if someone is an alcoholic… it is factually correct, albeit sadly, to say that likely not to recover

Well OP had better find out—because its her life down the drain as this guy pickles himself to death in the pub rather than spend an evening with her.

What is the point of this repeated assertion that “no one knows” whether this man can bring his alcohol use under control? We don’t know if he will be hit by a bus either. Not to a certainty. But we don’t make decisions about life based on certainty (see eg, bus, hit by) we just try to do the best we can with the information we have.

All OP can do is evaluate the worth of his words based in past performance. She can guess, probabilistically, that he will continue to agree that some couple should spend time together, enjoy intimacy and life work together, but when the actual opportunity arises he will dub out to drink.

The stats I find do not bear it out, these are just two.

https://fingertips.phe.org.uk/profile/local-alcohol-profiles/supporting-information/Treatment2

https://www.gov.uk/government/statistics/substance-misuse-treatment-for-adults-statistics-2022-to-2023/adult-substance-misuse-treatment-statistics-2022-to-2023-report

The idea that addicts relapse is nothing unexpected, recovery is hard, but stay clean for 2 years and addicts are more likely to remain dependancy free for life.

Not the OP or the DC should cope with someone elses addiction, if addiction it is. Only OP and he partner know or at least can take a reasonable guess.

I said the point of mentioning it in my earlier post to you. Another poster said something and I agreed with that poster.

@MarkingBad i am going to guess you had a drink problem and successfully recovered. Good on you.

those stats are based on people who have actively sought help

now think of the majority… who have not and will not

The idea that addicts relapse is nothing unexpected, recovery is hard, but stay clean for 2 years and addicts are more likely to remain dependancy free for life.

indeed.

IF they have sought help to recover

No I'm not a dependancy free alcoholic, or have ever been an alcoholic

I am a long term volunteer where addicts and in particular alcoholics come for advice. Not all of those go for a treatment however at some point the NHS spots alcoholism in their patients which is why I used government stats and not those of private clinics

I just want to make it clear that the advice charity is that, an advice charity but we see a lot of addicts so it's not people coming in for treatment advice necessarily although some do. It's also other life admin stuff people fall foul of.

Absolutely completely irrelevant to the OP’s situation as neither she nor her dh have identified his addiction as the problem so the dh won’t work on it and OP can’t work on it. Your posts remind me of the famous economist’s quip. In response to some authority’s insistence that “in the long run” everything will work out, economically, I believe it was Galbraith who said “in the long run we are all dead.”

I raise this here because for a woman with young children the long run may be too long—is a latency period in child development and in OP’s life. Having a loving, functioning, husband and father now is of more yse than in five or ten years when he may or may not decide to put the work in.

@MarkingBad both you links are regarding alcoholics that sought treatment

I explained why on my answer to your other post

Yes, that right, they do.

So when posters were saying he’s an alcoholic and unlikely to change…. That is, again presuming on the balance of probabilities, he doesn’t pursue treatment

See this is where things get back to who knows, there are no facts here because some people give up off their own bat, some don't so slow down their drinking and others ramp it up.

I'm quite happy to say I agree to disagree because there is nothing factual about this really, the figures just aren't there.

Oh bloomin heck not the “who knows” line again!

it is an anonymous thread. Who knows pretty much anything!

You would be happier if you kicked him out. You would know then where you stood and wouldn’t need to be waiting for him to decide to show up as a responsible partner and father. Sorry, but there it is; he’s more keen on partying and being on his own than he is on your family unit and the two of you as a couple.

I don't know. I don't think I'd see an evening of talking as something to particularly relish, especially not when its likely to be talking about all the things you don't like. I'm not sure I'd see it as "plans" either. Is there no way of combining it with something actually enjoyable? I don't think just sitting at home moaning about all the things you dislike is going to be something that reignites love and passion, but that's just me.

Aside from that, what do you actually get out of the relationship and what is it that you're hoping to reset exactly? He doesn't sound like a prize!

I don’t know how to vote on this because your only reasonable course of action is to admit he’s not invested in the relationship and to move on. No you shouldn’t accept this behaviour from him but I don’t see how “putting your foot down” is going to help any more than letting him get away with it as he’s clearly not interested in your opinions or feelings.

I am sorry but he is telling you how he feels and you aren’t listening…solely because you would like the other answer.

you need to say goodbye.

If a man wants to he will It's that simple.

Your DP is prioritising his drinking over you and his children. If what he says is true, his therapist is enabling this. The therapy sounds toxic and you and your children are collateral damage in this battle with alcohol.
How bad does it get when he’s been drinking? What is the effect on the children besides absent parenting? Do you see any real progress? What do you think deep down are the chances of working it out? Do you have a plan if the “reset” doesn’t work? Do you feel he respects you? Do you feel treated as an equal? What does your life look like in five years time? When do you get to do what you want? Who in your life is supporting and championing you?