To put my foot down when he tries to drop our plans tonight because he's had a better offer?

[Northwinds]

Things haven't been great with our relationship for a while so we are doing a 'Relationship Reset'. We did the first session a few weeks ago, and had planned to do the second session last night. But he decided to drink last night, and he himself was strict first time saying we can't do this when one of us has been drinking. So we postponed it until tonight.

Now this afternoon he drops on me that he's going out tonight. I said to him we were doing this relationship talk tonight? I said no I would prefer you to stick to our plans and not just drop them when you get a better offer.
He said we can do it any other night, doesn't have to be tonight, we actually didn't confirm it (which is not true, not sure how we should confirm plans, should I email him and get him to confirm in writing?!) He said this party he's been invited to is only tonight and we can do our talk any time.

I said it really is hurtful when you drop our plans as soon as you get a better invite. I feel you are de-prioritising me and our relationship. He denied it and said I was being rigid.

I'm actually feeling quite upset that I feel sick that he won't agree to stick to his plans and prioritise me. Am I being too rigid? I was looking forward to tonight to reconnect and progress things with him, so I'm feeling sad.

‘He can’t control his drinking.’ That’s huge, OP, and I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry op but imo you are flogging a dead horse, he’s not interested in trying to save the marriage and he certainly isn’t interested in parenting.
Cut your losses and build a better life for you and your children.

See, I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here.

You said this 'reset meeting' was last night, but seem to accept that it could just not happen because "he started drinking".

Then, just now you have said "Thing is he can't control his drinking, so if he does go out, on, say, a Friday night, if I leave him to it, he will sleep in til noon and then be a bit of a slob/hungover all day, sleeping on the sofa at times and just generally not being available much to parent or spend quality time with the kids"

I - like him - would accept an invitation to a party if the only plans we had were 'talking to each other' . He isn't wrong that you can do that any night.

Nor do I get the 'only one of you can go out' thinking. That is what babysitters are for, so two halves of a couple can go out at the same time. (and, before it gets said, no, we didn't have family to do it, we paid people)

I would not , however, be with a person who can't control his drinking.

I really think you are fixating on completely the wrong thing.

I'm glad it worked for you. Tbh there are comments saying I can't imagine anything worse than having to have these serious talks etc, which to be fair, compare that with being out at a party, sure, BUT they aren't awful, in fact the first session we had which was about talking about past hurts but trying to empathise with the other person, and not laying any blame - was really cathartic and it wasn't unpleasant at all, it aired things that weren't spoken at the time and provided both of us with a lot more clarity and understanding.

The second part is supposed to be reconnecting and talking about shared goals, so it might be serious but should also be progressive.

Thanks for your post.

Yes, we agreed we shouldn't do it last night because these things are best done when you are sober.

That's true, we can do it another night, but it's the principle of him just dropping our plan tonight cos he got an invite to something else (btw i found out he only literally got the invite this afternoon, and it's from someone who drinks at the same pub as him, someone who is friendly with, but not a friend).

Yes, I'm like you, I don't want to be with someone who can't control his drinking either. It only started being a problem AFTER we had a kid. He's going to therapy about it.

Yes, the drinking is an issue. Though this post was whether I was being unreasonable in saying no I want you to stick to our plans and it hurts when you drop them for something new.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

What’s the reason you clearly haven’t been invited?

Maybe you can try talking in normal human language instead of 'relationship reset', and 'he had flexibility last night'. (wtf?)
You say it's not going to be negative but it really sounds like it is.
No wonder he's telling himself to : 'not try to extinguish the fire, but instead exit the building using the stairs not the elevator'.

It's just a pub regular who has invited him to birthday drinks. At the usual pub they go to every week.
I've never been to this pub as he goes on his own for his 'me' time and so I don't know this acquaintance of his.

So you do the majority of the parenting while he wastes the weekend being hungover and stays in bed? Do you think he’s going to change/become a better parent? I don’t see him changing, you’re doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship while he decides a party is more important than your marriage?

And when is your ‘you’ time? Does he stay home while you go out or do you just stay at home?

Also, we don't have regular babysitters, we have no family nearby. We do get to go out during the day sometimes when kids are at school

This. By the time you are using terms like 'relationship reset' and 'deprioritising', the ship has sailed and is well over the horizon too. You are allowed to make decisions too you know. Be done.

Why do you want to be with him? Are you happy with this relationship do you actually think life with him will improve because to an outsider you are flogging a dead horse.Nothing is going to change believe me you may want it to but he has no interest in doing so.Do you own or rent work or have savings? Look after yourself and your children .You can do this.

I’m voting YABU purely because I think if you’re having to try and force him to cancel plans for a “relationship reset” evening to work on things then honestly- things are already broken.

Fixing a relationship takes two people who actively want to- he doesn’t, he is showing you with his actions where you sit on his priority list. It’s up to you whether you accept that but don’t beg for the bare minimum that someone who actually loves you would give freely.

I'd rather go out than talk relationships, can't you go along with him?

oh dear....ducks in a row and plan the split time I think.

When I was in my early twenties, I was in a long relationship with a guy who always did this. One particular day we were trying to plan a day out and I was trying to think of where to go (he had no ideas). I wanted to go into our local city, he vehemently refused to go there on a Saturday. I got showered and when I was done he said his mates had just texted him inviting him out for a day drinking session, he'd accepted, and they were going to the local city 🙄 unsurprisingly, the relationship didn't last and I have no idea why I didn't end it on that day, as the message was loud and clear - I wasn't who he wanted to spend his time with. You owe it to yourself to end the relationship and find someone who thinks the best plans are those made with you - I did, and we've been together 10 years this year ❤️

Yes! This.

that tells you all you need to know really.

however evenings don’t sound like a great time to have them. Mid morning over a coffee would be better.

You could put your foot down.

But how would you feel, knowing he was only there by force, not by choice? Physically he might be present, but I can guarantee, emotionally he has checked out. Sorry.

Is he an alcoholic OP? Does his behaviour engender a safe, stable and loving environment for your children?

Oh God op, just give up. You’re flogging a dead horse. There is no relationship. He’d rather be in the pub with some random than his wife and kids. Poor kids… having that as your male role model.

I’d be pissed off @Northwinds .
The point of these conversations is not only to try and rebuild, it’s also to show commitment to that rebuilding. It’s both what is spoken about and the action of showing commitment by prioritising and dedicating time to it. Of course a party is more fun, but it sounds like his choice of behaviour here is demonstrating exactly the kind of behaviours that are causing issues in your relationship; doing what he wants when he wants, and drinking to excess. He’s literally highlighting not only the issue, but that he couldn’t really give two fucks about it. And if he lies around hungover tomorrow it’ll be adding insult to injury.

You can’t make him choose you and the relationship, but you can make choices about what you’re prepared to put up with. From where I’m sitting it looks like you’re the one doing all the running and the person who is actually the problem is doing nothing about it.

Does he actually parent your kids at all? Is he present and involved in your and the kids’ lives? If not then I think this relationship is done. By the sound of it he lives like a single man so he should be a single man.

Is it you who's putting all the work into repairing the relationship? Because it honestly sounds like he's not that bothered.