To put my foot down when he tries to drop our plans tonight because he's had a better offer?

[Northwinds]

Things haven't been great with our relationship for a while so we are doing a 'Relationship Reset'. We did the first session a few weeks ago, and had planned to do the second session last night. But he decided to drink last night, and he himself was strict first time saying we can't do this when one of us has been drinking. So we postponed it until tonight.

Now this afternoon he drops on me that he's going out tonight. I said to him we were doing this relationship talk tonight? I said no I would prefer you to stick to our plans and not just drop them when you get a better offer.
He said we can do it any other night, doesn't have to be tonight, we actually didn't confirm it (which is not true, not sure how we should confirm plans, should I email him and get him to confirm in writing?!) He said this party he's been invited to is only tonight and we can do our talk any time.

I said it really is hurtful when you drop our plans as soon as you get a better invite. I feel you are de-prioritising me and our relationship. He denied it and said I was being rigid.

I'm actually feeling quite upset that I feel sick that he won't agree to stick to his plans and prioritise me. Am I being too rigid? I was looking forward to tonight to reconnect and progress things with him, so I'm feeling sad.

It's going to be you arranging it isn't it?

Honestly OP? I don’t think this is going to work out and you should make a plan to leave.

Im sorry.

Relationships shouldn’t be so much hard work, drama, anxiety etc. It’s better to be on your own, I think!

Op I’ve been in your shoes but it wasn’t drink it was drugs and I got all the promises it would stop, he would change blah blah blah. Then the minute someone brought out a bag he was off and it got worse over time to the point he done nothing in the house, with the kids or with me it was like having an extra child. While he’s out pack his bags and leave them at the door for him once he gets home if he really wanted your relationship to work he would put in the effort instead of changing the goal posts to suit his habits. You may not see it now but it is damaging your kids save them and yourself before he’s drinking from morning till night and your kids have trauma and therapy they need to deal with.
like a previous poster said when someone shows you who they are believe them because they won’t change or they will but only for a while till your off their back then the bad habits kick in again

Men don't want to 'talk it through'. Let him off that hook.

YANBU to feel like this after his actions.
YABU to think that this is a relationship going somewhere.

You are living with an alcoholic. He might not realise it but you are. Until he choses to try and deal with the addiction, you and the kids are always going to come second behind the opportunity to have alcohol. You are into the relationship reset because you want the man you married back. He isn't there. If he is prioritising a night out before your talk/reset/whatever you want to call it, he isn't into it. You are wanting him to be there for you. He isn't. He can't be as addiction is a mental illness. You need to decide do you want to continue like this where he constantly disappoints you or end it and live your own life. You are already doing the bulk of the parenting so no difference there. It may be the rock bottom needed to make him get his head on the game. But you also need to accept that he may not put in the effort to save the relationship and this is why al anon workson the principle of having seperate interests - you are building a life you dont need to escape from. The choice is yours. Good luck from a stranger on the Internet x

A party is more important than saving your relationship so what is there to talk about?

Alcoholic or not, he has a drink problem.

You make out like this reset and counselling is made or break for your relationship but its not.

He knows you won't leave so it makes it easy for him to put drinking first.

This reset is supposedly so important to you both but he dumps it for not just one, but two drinking sessions.

How long are you prepared to pull double duty to paper over the cracks in your relationship and in your kids seeing hungover daddy every weekend. I'm guessing the don't see that because you pull double duty and take them out so the can't see dad is a mess. But they know he isn't showing up for them.

Seriously, how can you think you can save him when he just doesn't care to make changes?

Reread your post as if it was someone asking for advice. Now give them good advice about this relationship, and take it. It’s not going to get any better!

Yes, he's very good at setting his boundaries, but I should have boundaries too, no? Generally I guess you could say that it's about that compromise Yes, you need boundaries. But this isn’t going to work if your boundaries are about putting restrictions on him. You cannot control him or limit him or even guide him to behave in a particular way. And it won’t work out between you if that’s what you’re having to do. He might go along with something but it’ll be because you’re making him, rather than because he really wants to. And the second you look away, he’ll be back doing what he wanted to do in the first place.

Your boundaries should only be about you and what you will and won’t tolerate. So it’s not acceptable to say ‘you need to stay at home more often’. But it’s absolutely acceptable to say ‘I do not want to be with someone who doesn’t prioritise his home life over spending time with randoms in the pub’. It’s not acceptable to say ‘you are not allowed to drink alcohol when you go out’ but it’s completely acceptable to say ‘I will not be in a relationship with a man who spends family time in bed with a hangover’. He’ll hear your boundary and he’ll either work with it and spend more time at home, or restrict his drinking, or he won’t and will carry on doing what he wants, which tells you how important you are to him. He has to want to work at it. If your family are not his priority, you can’t force it.

I have joined the al anon facebook groups, I'm not sure it's for me. They are about doing your own thing and living your own life, and whilst I do think having own interests and things helps take away the focus on the addict, to enable yourself to have less stress, it's not great having to almost have separate lives

I’d be inclined to think it’s because they know you’re flogging a dead horse unless the person really wants to stop drinking and you’re going to need a life of your own when the alcohol dependence gets too much to cope with.

I am not sure you’re getting anywhere with him, but one last try. You: when do you want o reschedule for? Him: x date. You: Is this scheduling us as a priority or scheduling us as something to do if nothing better comes up? IF the latter, im no longer interested. Him: huff puff you’re no fun. You: could you just answer the question? Are you willing to lock that in, and also not drink the night before?

and if he won’t that really tells you everything you need to know.

The first call for me would be to hire a babysitter and you both go out.
It's ridiculous that he abandons you without warning and knows that you will stay home.
You are living like land lady and lodger. Start behaving like his partner and accompany him to outings. Hire the baby sitter.

It will soon become obvious that you can't afford the babysitter twice per week so you'll need to talk about how often you'll both go out and how often it's fair to go out alone and dump the home life on the other.

Having children has given you both bad habits. Resume living like equals and people in a relationship again

Honestly, he’s shown you over and over again where you and the kids stand. Why do you tolerate this? If he takes custody of the kids x days a week, YOU get me time and a life. If he doesn’t, move to where you do have friends and family.

It doesn't sound like you and your DP are in anyway on the same page about your relationship.

his priority is to socialise, drink and generally do everything possible to dodge having to face up to adult conversations.

i admire you for wanting to get things sorted, but you're doing it alone, your DPs mindset is to make as little effort as possible towards investing in you. he knows you're there today tomorrow and ongoing so he just shrugs and thinks I'd rather be at a party with a drink in my hand.

Relationship reset is an actual thing and he has agreed to it

he has agreed to it to keep you quiet.

He isn't resetting anything, but he's telling you 'crack on doing the relationship reset whilst I'm planning my next drinking sesh'. He has absolutely no intention of changing his attitude to you or his relationship with drink.

Sounds like your husband doesn’t want to reset his relationship!!

OP this must be so difficult and disheartening.
I don’t think your relationship can make progress until he gets a handle on his drinking. I agree with previous posters that have said he is likely lying to his therapist.

You and your children deserve better than this. He is showing you who he is, very clearly. When you had the first reset conversation, did you discuss his drinking? It is something you both need to confront. Unfortunately you can’t make him confront it, but you can clearly communicate how his choices are damaging the relationship.

If his choice is to carry on drinking, then you do need to draw the boundary and either leave or he leaves.

Why does he get to go out two nights at the weekend? When do you ever get to go out? It sounds like you’re the default babysitter for his party plans and he sounds selfish.

For me, it would be all about his attitude towards postponing the "reset" evening. If he was very apologetic, explaining to you that he does understand and appreciate how important the reset night is, and suggesting a firm date to postpone to - then I would be OK about changing the date. It does, however, sound like this is NOT what happened. To turn it back on to YOU and complain about you being too rigid is actually gaslighting you - and indicative of the poor state of your relationship. I'm very sorry, OP... it does sound very hurtful. My advice would be to seek professional relationship counselling together. Good luck x

You know what would reset the relationship? Kicking him out. That would give him some time to think about whether he wants to start making an effort. Show him you won’t just be walked over any more.

@Northwinds It sounds like you need to start building a life away from him, invest in your friends, children, wider family and career.

Boundaries are about how you behave and react, not controlling someone else's behaviour. I think your only option with someone like this that frequently crosses your boundaries is to end the relationship. It seems like he has zero respect for you as an individual, you're just someone that facilitates his life.

Going to the pub every weekend/regularly is so alien to me. I've never known any man that does this. When I worked in a pub, it was just a handful of quite sad characters that were there so regularly.

I would watch his actions op. If you are a priority he would show you. Let him go to his party but start putting yourself first.

Its not really a party is it?

Its just another night at the same pub as he went to the night before.

Where he'll have too much to drink. Again.

If I had young children with this man I wouldn't be happy.