I've messed up with 3 year old

[Neitherherenorthere1]

I lost it this morning with my 3.5 year old DD.
I shouted at her really loudly when she came downstairs at 630 am to start crying in my presence.
I told her to go upstairs and cry. My husband walked in from the gym at that exact same moment and is angry at me for it.

For context she cries all the time over everything and nothing. She only does this with me. She is perfect in nursery and an angel with my in-laws ( admittedly they do spoil her and pamper her which I don't do. I discipline her).
I will collect her from nursery and they will tell me she's been perfect but the minute we leave the nursery she starts crying having a meltdown and refuses to walk to the car. Same thing for bath time, bed time literally anything I need her to do. Including her hair in the mornings, breakfast getting changed. Her dad leaves before nursery runs and returns near bedtime for work. I'm really struggling with the constant loud crying that is soo hard to stop. She also hits when she doesn't get her way and yesterday pushed me because she didn't like her hair? She caught me off guard and I nearly toppled as I was putting dishes away. She also hits my DD10 constantly, kicks, pulls hair punches when she's annoyed or doesn't like something.
My husband thinks I'm tough on her with the constant telling off and thinking step etc.
shes different to my other DD's she has meltdowns on everything and doesn't seem to improve from the naughty step or having no games/treats if she hits but nothing is working.
i partly think it's my in-laws who spoil her and don't pick her up on her tantrums or hitting and make excuses for her. If I tell her off at my in-laws for doing something like spitting, jumping on a chair which was upside down and hearing a crack I get told off by my in-laws for always being on her back in of her!
I can't cope with her crying for no reason and I snapped. I know I shouldn't have but her crying triggers me. I'm sure there's so much more information I could add but it sounds so defensive.

Im so disappointed with myself but I am
loud as a person and working in the profession I do I have no patience for spoilt kids crying including my own.
please be kind I know I can do better but I dnt know how to stop her with her behaviours and tantrums as nothing that was effective with my older two DD (with different grandparents!!) works here and I am losing my mind.

I can't find it in me to be kind I don't think. I feel really sad for your DD. I don't believe in naughty step or punishments for small children, or shouting for that matter. She's 3 for goodness sake and her behaviour is a response to how you treat her in my opinion.
You expect her to behave in an ordered way for your convenience but she doesn't understand your world, at 3 she just doesn't have the capacity for that.
What she would respond to is kindness, explanation in simple terms and making tasks fun.

Just ignore her crying and guide her to do what she's being told to do. She needs boundaries and consequences.

But of course, this is in addition to warm, consistent, affectionate care from loving parents.

And this is why we have the problems we do. Of course you can give small children age appropriate consequences for bad actions. I think you should go and read the thread about the trend in MC privileged kids and trans identity.

Your poor daughter. It’s clear you don’t like her. She will know this. I grew up in this kind of environment. It’s extremely damaging. Maybe you could sit on the naughty step and think about your behaviour towards her.

When she is with you, she feels safe and shows her emotion accordingly. She’s telling you she’s unhappy. You need to listen to her.
Misbehaving after nursery is normal, they’ve been inside listening to rules and conforming all day, they’ve explode when out like a pressure cooker.

I feel for you - having a child that fights you on literally everything is soul destroying.

be kind to yourself you’re doing well that you don’t shout every day.

you’re trying to give her calm consistent boundaries and deal with her behaviour and nobody else is helping as they pander to her so you’re having to deal with it alone.

don’t give up, just look after yourself.

Imo she has too many main carers who aren't on the same page with expectations..
If gps aren't raising her in their time to your desires then she needs put in nursery. More routine maybe?

We’ve all had moments when we react in a way we shouldn’t.
i remember my daughter screaming all the time at 3 and it’s so draining. I recall one day saying something like, I don’t like this screaming, you can scream in the hallway until you’re ready to use your words. She (and I) was surprised I really did put her in the hallway and shut the door and she came out a few minutes later very quiet - I’m not sure id recommend this approach, but I mean I can see why you said go and scream upstairs.

Shell be tired after nursery, the reality is you’ll get the tired and difficult bit of her day. Go knowing that and it’s easier. Making things lighter and funnier works, going heavy on punishments won’t - she’s too young and she needs you to show her how to regulate her emotions, otherwise she’ll just learn to loose her rag like mummy.

She cries when you get there bec you are her Mum, and she is trying to communicate things that have been troubling her through the day. To be honest it sounds like she's seeking support and connection with you and not getting what she needs- she needs you to be okay with her feelings, not tell her to cry somewhere else. Punishment like naughty step really doesn't work to change behavior, you need to guide and teach what you want her to do she's only 3.

Maybe your DH and in-laws are right and you are on at her too much. All children are different and juts because naughty steps worked for you older ones doesn't mean it will work for all children. Maybe try a more gentle approach and pick your battles. If she is always being told off she is going to stay in the cycle of being angry and sad.

Have you considered additional needs?

girls in particular are very good at 'masking' so maybe this is what's happening at nursery. But she feels safe enough to 'lose it' at home, with you.

do some reading & see if her behaviour/masking fit.

have you tried love bombing her?

Well I think you probably need to adopt a stoic, roll eyes and redirect approach
Of course thinking step or sitting out/removal of treats fine. But of course it is draining all day having a more whingey child. Did she even show any reaction to you losing it? Because if she didn't then you know for sure you need a different reaction as she is seeking attention. So cultivate more positive attention and ways for her to have some responsibility within the home so she can increase in confidence

Visible chart with sad and happy faces/expectations of house rules - for you all. Including you - no shouting or mummy has to have tele off time/go and calm down lol

More one on one time in her world so getting down on the floor to play undisturbed etc lots of roleplay with toys about how hitting/pushing is not ok, how to be a good friend. Dont bang on about it though as shes only 3.5.. its a difficult age.. reiterate its OK to cry when you don't get what you want but you can't follow me around crying or whinging. Do you want a hug? If she says no then say OK, I'll be here for a cuddle when you want it.

Its tough when you have a child who defies you at every point in the day but she isn't spoilt she is just a normal 3 year old, learning boundaries and becoming independent.

We are all guilty of not reacting in the best way at time when things get on top of us but it is how you learn and change that which is important.

Remember you are her safe space. She knows that she can exhibit anything she is feeling and you will still be there for you. She will always be perfectly behaved with nursery and grandparents as she doesn't know they if they will be there for her if she lets out some of her emotions. This really helped me to reframe how I was seeing the behaviour in my eldest and how to work with him.

Of course I love my daughter very much. I'm just really struggling with the constant crying and not knowing how to effectively discipline her.

not drip feeding but we call it the thinking step and she is told to count to 20 and then come back and talk about her behaviours.

of course I know I messed up. I shouted. That's wrong. No question about it. But I don't shout all the time. She is very loved and secure at home that I can guarantee as much as humanly possible.

deleted as a duplicate post.

Just to edit to say the brusque, redirect approach is when she's crying over stuff. Otherwise I think it's probably good to lower expectations a bit and show more love and attention. Have a bit of fun with her
Some kids are whingey. They'll grow out of it as long as there's clear expectations
Or they won't- some adults get moody over stuff 🤷

Gave you talked her about the crying and how it won’t get her what she wants, but if she asks nicely and talks to mummy then you can try and resolve it, maybe she thinks this is the only way to get her way, the only way she knows how to communicate with you ? It’s just a thought.
I remember losing it when my son was three because he was tired and it was nap time, but he wanted to go out and the crying was non stop , I’m not proud of it but I shouted and I still now 14 years later remember raising my voice and wish I hadn’t.
Maybe this weekend try and talk to her and put some small rules in place.

Look up restraint collapse - it's why these behaviours come out with you, as her safe space.

Changing the way you think might help, instead of thinking you need to discipline her, think you need to teach her to regulate her emotions and be kind, think about what triggers her and what makes her feel safe and secure.

It's hard when you have a child who fights everything. My DD is like this some days. It seems the thinking step etc isn't working for your DD or you and it's leaving you both unhappy which isn't what you want. Does redirection work? Or sometimes with my DD, she just needs a moment to completely melt down after being told no so I let her and then offer her a cuddle which usually works. You obviously love and care for your daughter and toddlers are very hard.

I think your daughter's behaviour is a cry for your attention. She isn't naughty or difficult and your in laws haven't spiked her or ruined her she just needs some attention from you and this is her way of showing it.

Three year olds are difficult, they are trying to be independent but they can't be. she won't be able to control her emotions so she is frustrated and lashing out. She isn't your earlier children so don't compare her with them.
And the naughty step doesn't work, all it will do is make her feel even more upset and rejected.

Have you tried saying yes more and no not as much?

But crying isn’t poor behaviour! Hitting is but it sounds like the OP isn’t responding appropriately to the child’s distress and is esculating the situatiom.

When a child cries as soon as they leave a place they haven’t been OK there. They’ve been holding their emotions in until their in a safe place to express them.

OP, you can sort this. Apologise to your child. Get some ear loops for yourself. Find out why things are difficult for your child eg hair brushing, use a soft brush and a detangler spray, make sure you’re calm first.

Research zone of regulation, if clothes are an issue look at soft and seamless ones, use visual timestables and menu choices.

Your child isn’t giving you a difficult time, they’re having a difficult time and it’s your and her father’s job to help.

Is she crying sad upset poor me tears or angry 3 year old tantrum tears? I’ve only really experienced the latter on a daily basis so would generally sympathise with the former and love bomb as past poster has said. But if it’s the former consistently I can see that being quite draining.

she is only 3 though and you’ve made a small slip I wouldn’t stress too much about it. But if you’re struggling try to get some help. Is there support at nursery to help you unpick behaviours and give you a standard response to try to be consistent?

3 year olds can be testing.

But it might be worth considering your approach.

You can be strict and hold a strong line on behaviour without shouting and without being “sharp” with her.

If she cries everyday coming out of nursery think how you could avoid that. Or what the reason might be. Is she overwhelmed with tiredness, excitement to see Mummy, is she hungry or overstimulated?

Could you change the record if you picked her up at nursery gave her a big excited hug and said how much you’d missed her during the day? What if you said “I have a lovely snack for you in the car, can you walk really nicely” or if you made a game of doing silly walks to the car?

She came downstairs crying for “no reason” but it won’t have been no reason, it might just not have been a logical adult reason.

What if you had tried, what’s wrong? Where has my smiley girl gone? Do you need a big hug?

Bed time and bath time can be difficult transitions. Try giving her some choices, which bubbles shall we use, which PJs? Go and choose some bath toys. Go and pick a dress for tomorrow, or socks or a hair band or what ever. Sing a song, make it fun. Give her time warnings like “five more minutes and then lovely bath time’”

Strict doesn’t mean shouty. It doesn’t always mean punishments.

You shouldn’t give into tantrums but I never found a tantrum reduced by yelling. Better managed by saying “I’m not going to change my mind, but let’s have a hug and read a book/dance in the kitchen, you choose the music etc”

Hitting and pushing. Remind her it hurts other people, ask her how she would feel if someone hit her. Remind her her sister won’t want to play with someone who hurts her. Encourage empathy. And never ever allow hitting or push in to be rewarded with what ever she wants. And tell her that “I love you but I won’t fix you hair if you hit me” etc

She’s 3 she needs help managing her big emotions. Calmness, consistency and reason are more effective than shouting.

Yeah i don't think it definitely means they haven't been okay there. I have a nephew who cries and whinges whenever he sees his mum out of pure habit. He does that and it makes her go into this mode where she just gives him anything he wants, there's not even tears most of the time, it's just a constant noise. He doesnt do it with us at all. He starts as soon as he sees her and wants to revert to that mode where there are no expectations on his behaviour or conduct and he doesnt have to communicate to get anything he wants.

What we do is ignore him, do things he will want to join in with and prevent him unless he talks to us properly. Now he doesnt even bother with it. He switches it off when he's with us alone, and back on when he sees his mum.