I've messed up with 3 year old

[Neitherherenorthere1]

I lost it this morning with my 3.5 year old DD.
I shouted at her really loudly when she came downstairs at 630 am to start crying in my presence.
I told her to go upstairs and cry. My husband walked in from the gym at that exact same moment and is angry at me for it.

For context she cries all the time over everything and nothing. She only does this with me. She is perfect in nursery and an angel with my in-laws ( admittedly they do spoil her and pamper her which I don't do. I discipline her).
I will collect her from nursery and they will tell me she's been perfect but the minute we leave the nursery she starts crying having a meltdown and refuses to walk to the car. Same thing for bath time, bed time literally anything I need her to do. Including her hair in the mornings, breakfast getting changed. Her dad leaves before nursery runs and returns near bedtime for work. I'm really struggling with the constant loud crying that is soo hard to stop. She also hits when she doesn't get her way and yesterday pushed me because she didn't like her hair? She caught me off guard and I nearly toppled as I was putting dishes away. She also hits my DD10 constantly, kicks, pulls hair punches when she's annoyed or doesn't like something.
My husband thinks I'm tough on her with the constant telling off and thinking step etc.
shes different to my other DD's she has meltdowns on everything and doesn't seem to improve from the naughty step or having no games/treats if she hits but nothing is working.
i partly think it's my in-laws who spoil her and don't pick her up on her tantrums or hitting and make excuses for her. If I tell her off at my in-laws for doing something like spitting, jumping on a chair which was upside down and hearing a crack I get told off by my in-laws for always being on her back in of her!
I can't cope with her crying for no reason and I snapped. I know I shouldn't have but her crying triggers me. I'm sure there's so much more information I could add but it sounds so defensive.

Im so disappointed with myself but I am
loud as a person and working in the profession I do I have no patience for spoilt kids crying including my own.
please be kind I know I can do better but I dnt know how to stop her with her behaviours and tantrums as nothing that was effective with my older two DD (with different grandparents!!) works here and I am losing my mind.

I discipline her

What do you think “discipline” means?

(It actually means “to learn”. Does everyone learn in the same way? Why would you expect this child to be the same as other children? Why aren’t you considering that this child needs a different kind of parenting rather than being forced into the child you think she should be?)

I’m a therapist. Call me in 15 years or so.

She’s just testing the boundaries. I don’t think it goes any deeper than that. She’s pushing to see what she can get away with. 3 year olds are bloody hard work. Mine was a nightmare from 3-4 years and yes there were many times I really didn’t like him very much!
But, if you can be consistent and firm and try your absolute best not to get really exasperated and angry with her, she will come good in the end. Mine is now 10 and an absolute pleasure most of the time. But back then, ugh he was very trying indeed.

I wish my mum had been like you. You sound lovely.

I think shouting was perfectly fine to be honest. She's getting away with being physically violent. I would stop visits to the ILs for the time being until her behaviour is under control and they agree to stop undermining you.

The replies on here are absolutely typical and I'm not surprised there's a crisis amongst children's behaviour.

I highly recommend parenting classes. They are free. Contact your local family hub. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. I’ve recently looked into enrolling on the teen version, as I had so much success with the normal one. It’s all research backed methods. It’s excellent .

My child is more likely to behave like this if they are tired, hungry, or I haven't been able to give them the attention they need. Or all three. So I try and provide dinner earlier now, and sit with them after preschool to do something quiet together, like reading / drawing / board game / TV.

I lost my rag once when they were nearly three and so regret it, because in hindsight they were just wanting to be near me and had developed some separation anxiety.

I do tell them off for whinging though. And expect an apology for hitting.

Of course three year olds can understand consequences.
When you pick her up from nursery go down to her eye level and say.. We are going to the car. If you scream and cry like a naughty girl you can not have an ice pole and play in the garden this afternoon.
If she plays up then stick to the consequence. This way of parenting becomes nearly impossible though if you have a husband who undermines everything you put in place.
You do need to get your own reactions fixed though, you can’t scream and shout at a three year old.
Boundaries make children feel safe, she needs to understand you are in charge and have expectations on her behaviour.
The example I’ve given about the ice pole and garden have always worked for my kids, she’ll be bored for a few afternoons (don’t swap taking playing in the garden with another fun activity obviously) and it will sink in that she has more fun before and after nursery if she stops throwing tantrums all the time.
She’ll be at school next year so is best to try and fix it now.

Most of the advice on this thread is good apart from this one who suggests shouting at 3 yo is a good idea. But yes you’ve had some really good replies on the whole

I'm the only one who says no to unreasonable requests like sweets before dinner and ice cream before bedtime etc. or picks up on her hitting and others.
You don't sound like a therapist I would call but thankyou.

Sounds like you’re being too tough with her. I’m all for appropriate discipline but is there enough fun between you both? She’s craving positive attention from you, not constant discipline and correction. If you’re being a misery, she’ll also be a misery. Lighten up a bit and I bet she will too.

i do need to adopt a different approach - if I thought I was on the right track I wouldn't have posted on here. I thank you all for your helpful advise. I have a lot of work to do on myself which I am working through. I don't think I'm the best mum ever but I try my best.
I work full time and I guess this is a cry for my attention for my 3 year old. Maybe my older two DD just gave up on me and just behaved.

I think you right. My eldest DD called me a machine last night - I'm always on the go studying in the evening while working full time and maybe I shouldn't have done this at the age my youngest is.

She's three years old you don't need to discipline her for crying, crying in itself isn't bad behavior it's just an expression of emotion. Have you tried just surprising her and being silly when she cries? Fastest way to snap my little one out of it - just get in front of her and do something totally random (ideas: pretend your hand suddenly has a mind of it's own and keeps running off and you're trying to stop it; pretend you genuinely believe she's turned into a cabbage and keep asking her why she's a talking cabbage; fall over and tell her you've forgotten how to walk and she needs to teach you - just anything totally mad that will initially confuse her, then make her laugh and get her to forget the sads). She just sounds tired and in need of connection and getting cross is only going to make her cry more.

Thankyou. This made me emotional

Try reading there's no such thing as naughty by kate Silverton. Found her book for older children really helpful for understanding my youngsters.....

My 3 year old is similar. I don’t mean to sound patronising or anything, especially if you work with kiddos as a profession but I read a book that really helped us, it’s called ‘how to talk so little kids listen.’ The change has been huge for us! A lot of the tantrums, protesting etc are now averted using the techniques and there is much less shouting in the house. I used traditional reward charts etc before, now I use none of that and it works much better for us.

Repair with you child for shouting this morning and try to be kind to yourself too, it sounds relentless. If you can, grab some time for yourself, you’ll be more refreshed/happier and able to have more patience ❤️

I doubt there is a parent out there who hasn't shouted at their child. What's done is done OP, you need to look forward and try and mitigate how much the crying and whinging gets to you. My little one does this ear drum bursting, whinging screech, it's like a dagger in brain. I've actually bought loop earplugs to wear constantly as it's like constant nails down a chalkboard. It does help a little.

It happens really easily to all of us and you can get stuck in a misery cycle, but the good thing is if you start to lighten up it becomes a positive feedback loop. They lighten up, then you find them easier to deal with, then you lighten up more. But don’t feel guilty about the normal stresses and strains. No one can be Mary bloody Poppins 24/7. Just lighten up a bit about things.

If my 3 year old wanted a biscuit before bed sometimes I’ll say fuck it, sure. Biscuit and cup of milk and we’ll brush your teeth after. Or, if I don’t want him to have it I’ll let him pick out a biscuit and put it somewhere “safe” just for him to have the next day. Yesterday he didn’t want a bath because he was busy playing with his dinosaurs. Fair enough, dino bath time it is. He had a blast for half an hour hiding his dinosaurs in a massive mountain of bubbles. No crying or shouting from anyone, just a conversation between us: “hey it’s bathtime now so that’s what we’re going to do but I bet your dinos would love a bubble party.” Then I do silly dino voices “yay! Bubble party! Let’s go!”

You don’t have to become a children’s party entertainer jumping around like an idiot making them laugh all the time, but you can lighten up in little ways and remember that this is their only chance at childhood.

Being the parent of any 3yo is tough and they are all different. However a child who behaves well with every other carer and then is a nightmare with her mum is communicating something very specific - she feels infinitely more safe and secure with you than she does in any other context. Her good behaviour in other contexts is underpinned with anxiety. When she is with you the anxiety is released and the behaviour issues explode.

She needs more love, reassurance and attention, not less. And she needs some gentle support - perhaps via some play therapy? - to help her to feel more secure and less anxious when you aren't around, and that will help reduce the explosions when she's with you.

OP you sound exhausted! If I was to put my sofa psychology hat on id say it sounds like your reaction to your three year old is more a reflection of you being disregulated and over stimulated rather than a response to her behavior. Are you perhaps doing too much? Maybe your life has too much structure, too many hours at work and just not enough time for you to breathe and enjoy your children? You're allowed to make mistakes as a mum, we all do, but if you're feeling this way a lot, it might stem from you not taking care of you.

So you get her ready and to nursery in the morning and also do all the bath and bedtime stuff after nursery? Then you work full time as well as studying.
Meanwhile your husband goes to the gym before work and comes home just before her bedtime.
I think you're stretched too thin and her behaviour is just something that irks you as you don't really have time to deal with it.
Could he go to the gym at a different time, and deal with her in a morning, and you do the evening? Or the other end of the day and pick her up from nursery and do bath and bedtime?

Awww, sending big unMumsnetty hugs your way.

I’m going to disagree with some of the posts here. My child needed some space to calm down when he was violent, hitting, doing something dangerous or he went through a phase of screaming in my face. Call it what you like but rather than shout I would pick him up and plop him in the hall and say I’m not going to let you hit me, I need to keep myself safe. I’m here if you want help to calm down. So it’s not a ‘punishment’ but a different space to calm down. You can still acknowledge their feelings and outpouring of emotion whilst saying the behaviour is not acceptable. Some kids are pretty placid and maybe hit once or twice. I’m not placid and neither are my children, they would have had no problem continuing to hit if I didn’t nip it in the bud. I won’t have him hitting me or other children it’s not ok.

I don’t think shouting works for me but a sharp removal into a place where she can calm down and understand her behaviour is not ok might help. Other people getting involved when you’re putting boundaries in place is not ok either. I think that’s another reason finding a seperate space to deal with the issue helps. They’re not getting attention/confusing inputs from elsewhere. If grandparents are doing regular childcare then you need to get on the same page.

also the whining is a phase. We had a big one at 4 that went on for months. It stopped in the end. Consistent and calm approach to boundaries, healthy diet, good sleep, enough exercise. Take yourself off to the toilet to have a swear or send a ranting text to a friend. It will pass.

This with bells on.

That poor child. Get yourself some parenting classes. This is really unpleasant to read and I suspect you are massively minimising your behaviour.

Mine is the same age and I agree it’s tough op. I also really recommend the book there’s no such thing as naughty by Kate Silverton.

even though I have read it and understand what is developmentally normal behaviour I still have to work really hard hard to stay emotionally regulated myself when she is screaming/hitting/snatching etc. probably because I would have been told off harshly for doing those things when I was 3 so it triggers me.

Rethink how you “discipline” - it doesn’t need to mean punishment. She needs a mum who is both firm and kind - she’s not trying to give you a hard time she is just having a hard time.

say sorry for saying mean things to her when she was upset earlier and give her a hug. Read the book if you want to understand more. And breathe - you’re finding it hard because it is, and were brave to ask for help because you care about getting it right for her. You’re a good mum.