I've messed up with 3 year old

[Neitherherenorthere1]

I lost it this morning with my 3.5 year old DD.
I shouted at her really loudly when she came downstairs at 630 am to start crying in my presence.
I told her to go upstairs and cry. My husband walked in from the gym at that exact same moment and is angry at me for it.

For context she cries all the time over everything and nothing. She only does this with me. She is perfect in nursery and an angel with my in-laws ( admittedly they do spoil her and pamper her which I don't do. I discipline her).
I will collect her from nursery and they will tell me she's been perfect but the minute we leave the nursery she starts crying having a meltdown and refuses to walk to the car. Same thing for bath time, bed time literally anything I need her to do. Including her hair in the mornings, breakfast getting changed. Her dad leaves before nursery runs and returns near bedtime for work. I'm really struggling with the constant loud crying that is soo hard to stop. She also hits when she doesn't get her way and yesterday pushed me because she didn't like her hair? She caught me off guard and I nearly toppled as I was putting dishes away. She also hits my DD10 constantly, kicks, pulls hair punches when she's annoyed or doesn't like something.
My husband thinks I'm tough on her with the constant telling off and thinking step etc.
shes different to my other DD's she has meltdowns on everything and doesn't seem to improve from the naughty step or having no games/treats if she hits but nothing is working.
i partly think it's my in-laws who spoil her and don't pick her up on her tantrums or hitting and make excuses for her. If I tell her off at my in-laws for doing something like spitting, jumping on a chair which was upside down and hearing a crack I get told off by my in-laws for always being on her back in of her!
I can't cope with her crying for no reason and I snapped. I know I shouldn't have but her crying triggers me. I'm sure there's so much more information I could add but it sounds so defensive.

Im so disappointed with myself but I am
loud as a person and working in the profession I do I have no patience for spoilt kids crying including my own.
please be kind I know I can do better but I dnt know how to stop her with her behaviours and tantrums as nothing that was effective with my older two DD (with different grandparents!!) works here and I am losing my mind.

😂my thoughts exactly

It doesn’t sound like your DH is supporting you or doing his fair share of parenting?

It can be draining when it seems like constant battles but if you can reframe the crying and meltdowns as bids for attention you can see it for what it is- just a little one who wants security from their most important person. Try offering hugs and speaking with them. Obviously letting them grizzle a bit is ok eg I can’t hold you right now, both my hands are busy. But meeting this head on is becoming a power struggle and you are the only adult! Your child is doing age appropriate stuff. Sendin them off to cry alone is not good for emotional regulation and their future. I’m not sure if at 3 they have the brain skills to understand a thinking step?

are you doing any fun stuff? Eg stop chores in front of her do half hour to read books etc to have that connection. So they feel secure with you again

Oh OP, I was exactly where you are and it is so tough.

We suspected DD had ADHD, and it was confirmed but not for years. At the time it was hell on Earth - nothing was right, the screaming and tantrumming were almost constant, it was exhausting.

I think what needs to change is that you need more support. And, trite as it seems and hopelessly beyond reach as it will feel, time really does help - once DD got to about 8 or so it definitely improved.

I really feel for you. If it helps even a smidge, she's behaving worse with you because you're the one she trusts most. She doesn't kick off with other people because they may leave her. She knows you won't. It's small comfort when you're being the physical and emotional punchbag all the time though. Are you able to meet some other SN mums in the area, or get some counselling to work through your frustrations?

Mumsnet can be tough. You don't sound like a bad mum to me. Children can be difficult, and they do need boundaries (and love). I've read through the posts, so I hope I haven't missed this, but I think this is the old Mumsnet classic of you have a DH problem. Where is he in all this? Swanning off to gym whilst you're trying to get everyone out the door on time? Coming home late after the stress of dinner and bathtime and bedtime is all done? And then critcising you? As other posters have said, you need more help, and DH should step up.

OP i do believe you need to find ways to make things light hearted and silly with her and find out why she's crying etc BUT my god a little shouting doesn't make you horrible the way some people on here are going on. Forgive yourself and you can hopefully move forward now and think of new techniques fkr dealing with her crying :)

Surprised by these replies, you are completely in the right to tell off your child for spitting.

What a load of rubbish 🤣🤣

this is why we have these bratty kids today! She’s 3.5yo so the hitting, spitting and bad behaviour does need to be disciplined. Seems like she is spoilt and has learnt that everyone else panders to her, yet you discipline and she doesn’t like it.
well you continue to do that because she will learn very bad habits and difficult as she grows.

OP, I think a lot of people have been unfair here. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and are really overwhelmed. I’ve shouted too on occasion and feel awful afterwards, and although shouting all the time isn’t okay it’s a very human response to feeling stressed.

I have similar issues with my 3 y/o - beautifully behaved for everyone else but can be an absolute misery with me and throws tantrums over anything and everything (e.g. if I put her socks down in the wrong place, don’t give her the exact right amount of milk requested etc…). I think she just lets all her emotions out with me as it’s where she feels most comfortable doing so, sounds like it may be similar to with your DD especially if it’s happening around transitions like finishing nursery. I’ve tried similar discipline methods but the only thing I’ve found helps is slowing everything down (getting up way earlier, starting bedtime way earlier so it doesn’t feel like routines are being rushed) and involving DD in EVERYTHING (helping with washing, helping cook, helping find my shoes when we go out etc…) which isn’t ideal but has led to less whinging! I’m also reading ‘the highly sensitive child’ which has been pretty insightful so far.

From what you say, you’re effectively solo parenting during work days. If DH has time for the gym before work, can he get DD up and dressed/brush teeth/do breakfast to give you some respite from the incessant moaning? Or are you able to disappear for some alone/social time during the weekends (even if it’s studying from a coffee shop with some cake!) to recharge your batteries?

Agree?? Spitting and hitting are NOT okay and do not deserve silliness and laughter as a form of discipline. I was loved but also disciplined hard if I was to behave like that and I'm perfectly fine and love my parents.

Why would anyone want to discipline a 3yo child for crying. This is a disordered approach and damaging. There is a reason for crying and it's not to manipulate you. There is a need behind. Maybe see if you can work up more compassion. Fix yourself first. What happens if you speak to her and mirror possible emotions, console her, hug her. Boundaries are not for crying unless you want to raise a child that will remain emotionally immature.

I'm older, but can remember losing it a couple of times with mine. I think this is more likely when we feel we are in a battle with children and then we easily feel angry or humiliated. Parents probably feel the latter more often than is discussed, especially those who have had difficult childhoods themselves. We can lash out if we feel disrespected & manipulated, even by a very small person. Feeling like you are failing as a parent again and again is a recipe for humiliation-rage cycles which can then make a child feel less secure and..... Alternatively, if you live a very goal oriented and pressured life you might be feeling heightened anger that your DC's behaviour is getting in the way of what needs to be done in a short amount of time.

When your DC is resisting you or finding it hard to regulate her emotions, it might be helpful to try and imagine yourself as some kind of wise, kind, serene, god-like figure (seriously!) who does not get drawn into personal battles with little humans who can't help themselves but calmly reinforces boundaries without emotion. I'd also try to anticipate flash points by using distraction, allowing plenty of extra time and getting yourself into the right headspace beforehand. Alongside this, I'd prioritise as much shared fun with her as you can fit into a very busy life.

A mantra that helped me get through tricky times with children was ' this too shall pass'. She's unlikely to be doing this for ever (we hope!)

PS she's lucky to have a mum that cares enough about having shouted to post here.

You need The New Learning Centre:

tnlc.info/

After six months of properly following their advice you really will have a calmer, happier family for decades to come.

Op, have you heard of an emotions chart? It has happy, sad, angry faces on; the children point to how they're feeling. It then has techniques underneath of how to make them (and you consequently, feel better). It has worked really well for my youngest.
They don't emotionally regulate until much later, sometimes they don't even know why they're upset! We all lose it occasionally, it is demanding having young dcs. This shows you are human, you know it isn't productive hence creating this thread. You need support, not criticism.
It is our job as parents to help the child label how they're feeling, and then try techniques to deal with those strong emotions. They cannot voice it at this age.

Repeated post due to system glitch

I have a three year old too. I understand you are frustrated.

but you’re turning everything into a battle. You’re not going to break her and she’ll finally start complying. That’s old school discipline and it just does not work on some children. Yes, it will work on others- they’ll be afraid of there parents and just do as their told, but some just won’t and you’ll never ‘ break her ‘.

my son is like your DD and my older DD who’s now 5, was also very similar. Tantrums ALL the time. Refusing to get dressed, running off, refusing to brush teeth- running away, not walking to the car, constant tantrums. BOTH my kids are / were like this.

hard arse discipline doesn’t work with these kids. My brother was like this too. My parents shouted, hit etc. it only made his behaviour worse.

you know what does work for kids like this ? TIME and patience and understanding.

Rewarding good behaviour, rather than focusing on the bad all the time. Ignoring bad behaviour sometimes and just distracting them. Stoping the power struggle. Preempting when the power struggle will start. Preempting bad behaviour - giving them choices.

for example if she doesn’t want to walk back to the car after nursery - you try telling her that if she walks back nicely - she can have a start or a treat or whatever it is. Or you race her back to the car / or you bring her scooter so she can scoot, anything to stop the current routine and power struggle that ensues.

getting dressed in the morning - make it a reward or a fun activity - give her choices of outfits - or order of how she will get dressed - shoes first or jumper first ?

I know I don’t have all the answers here, but you cannot continue to battle every little thing out with her in my opinion.

it’s a stage. She will change and she will grow out of it.

they also do it for attention- yes, even negative attention, is still attention.

I speak from experience. My DD is 5 now and she’s pretty well behaved and she was an absolute nightmare at 3 ( like my son is now). They grow out of it as they mature. It doesn’t mean she’s a bad kid or will grow up to be a bad kid. I bet if you weren’t so combative, she’d stop hitting etc.

good luck

You did mess up, but everyone does. Don’t let people on MN convince you they’ve never shouted at their child and that you’re a bad parent, everyone snaps.

You’ve already got loads of really good practical advice here, but one thing I will say is maybe try a parenting class? I was fuming when my mum suggested I go to one because it felt like she was saying I don’t know how to parent, but we went and it was really helpful. I think we were already parenting pretty well, but the class actually helped me understand why you do certain things. I think people think (I was guilty of this) classes are just for people who are bad parents, but I think everyone should take them now.

Disciplining her when she is distressed won't work.

You need to do some research into coregulation techniques.

There's a lady called Jordan who runs a website called sensory classroom, and she is fantastic. It's aimed as SEN, however the zones of regulation module she offers are fantastic even for using at home, not just at school.

As another PP pointed out it is restraint collapse. She's not able to communicate her needs appropriately, and then that is spiralling because she's telling you something is wrong and isn't being heard so then one thing leads to another and she is pushing and hitting, and you're focusing on the negative behaviour behind it and not why that negative behaviour is occurring.

She isn't in a learning space if that is the headspace she is in so you're going to find it harder to curb these behaviours.

Also very important - is she tired ? Is she hungry ? Is she under stimulated? Ask yourself these questions when she’s acting up.

Sorry for your struggles. Some children are much harder than others as little ones and people who haven’t had one don’t understand. My DS was similar to your DD and I found all the pre school years really tough. Some days I cried, didn’t want to collect him from nursery, wondered if he was autistic etc. My DH and I alternated getting up at 5am with him at weekends and he cried at every thing that didn’t suit him. He also tended to be angelic when out but terrible at home. It was exhausting. Once he started school things improved a lot although there were still some days he was good at school then cried all the way home.

One piece of advice I got from my mum was pick your battles. It’s ok to sometimes give in at this tender age. Discipline is more important when they are a bit older and understand more. It’s ok at home to say shall we all have a biscuit and watch tv. Or I like the PP who said surprise them being silly. Keep strict mum for when you need it. I still remember the time I marched him home from a restaurant under my arm, kicking and screaming all the way down the street in full on tantrum mode.

Finally remember this is a phase that will pass. My son was an easy teenager and is now an amazing young adult. Take a deep breath and believe that you will raise an amazing child.

Oh ffs not the "you dont like her" bullshit. Only on mumsnet people say this in every other post.

You’re getting a tough time on here I think. None of us are proud for shouting at our kids but she will be fine.

My eldest DD has always struggled with regulating her emotions and sounds a lot like your DD in many ways. She is a lovely natured girl and only ever hits or kicks when she’s really upset but sometimes she needs a physical outlet.

So I used to tell her to go to the living room and hit the sofa or cushions, or find a teddy to throw on her bed. Then when she’s calmed down a bit, we have a cuddle and talk about what’s wrong. She’s now nearly six and she still has a physical reaction to her emotions sometimes, but it’s more stomping her feet or hitting the floor rather than kicking or hitting me.

A lot of posters are suggesting distraction which worked well with my second DD but my eldest wouldn’t have any of it.

It’s really hard OP. Be kind to yourself.

What would you do if your child was naughty, how would you respond to them if you don't believe in punishments?

Blimey, if you've messed up then I must mess up on a daily basis. My son is 3.5 years old and has regular tantrums and also occasionally hits me and his dad! That does sometimes result in us raising our voices because we are frustrated! Don't beat yourself up about it, please! You are only human, she will not have any lasting damage. I'm sure you are a very good mother or you wouldn't be worrying about the implications. It's easy for people to make judgements when they're not in the situation at the time.

Take care!

at this age I ignore the crying with distraction. It sounds like you are in a crying angry pattern