I've messed up with 3 year old

[Neitherherenorthere1]

I lost it this morning with my 3.5 year old DD.
I shouted at her really loudly when she came downstairs at 630 am to start crying in my presence.
I told her to go upstairs and cry. My husband walked in from the gym at that exact same moment and is angry at me for it.

For context she cries all the time over everything and nothing. She only does this with me. She is perfect in nursery and an angel with my in-laws ( admittedly they do spoil her and pamper her which I don't do. I discipline her).
I will collect her from nursery and they will tell me she's been perfect but the minute we leave the nursery she starts crying having a meltdown and refuses to walk to the car. Same thing for bath time, bed time literally anything I need her to do. Including her hair in the mornings, breakfast getting changed. Her dad leaves before nursery runs and returns near bedtime for work. I'm really struggling with the constant loud crying that is soo hard to stop. She also hits when she doesn't get her way and yesterday pushed me because she didn't like her hair? She caught me off guard and I nearly toppled as I was putting dishes away. She also hits my DD10 constantly, kicks, pulls hair punches when she's annoyed or doesn't like something.
My husband thinks I'm tough on her with the constant telling off and thinking step etc.
shes different to my other DD's she has meltdowns on everything and doesn't seem to improve from the naughty step or having no games/treats if she hits but nothing is working.
i partly think it's my in-laws who spoil her and don't pick her up on her tantrums or hitting and make excuses for her. If I tell her off at my in-laws for doing something like spitting, jumping on a chair which was upside down and hearing a crack I get told off by my in-laws for always being on her back in of her!
I can't cope with her crying for no reason and I snapped. I know I shouldn't have but her crying triggers me. I'm sure there's so much more information I could add but it sounds so defensive.

Im so disappointed with myself but I am
loud as a person and working in the profession I do I have no patience for spoilt kids crying including my own.
please be kind I know I can do better but I dnt know how to stop her with her behaviours and tantrums as nothing that was effective with my older two DD (with different grandparents!!) works here and I am losing my mind.

It's ok to get things wrong sometimes! I always apologise to my DD when I get something wrong e.g., shouting. I do find things are much worse when either of our basic needs haven't been met, e.g., if either of us hungry etc., so trying to avoid where possible (e.g. I meet my DD after nursery with a snack, etc etc) helps. Mine also cries after nursery sometimes, but I think it's because she's been so busy and ignored her own basic needs and now has an outlet and feels safe to be her worst :) The fact that you're reflecting on your parenting and want to do things better/differently is a good sign that you're doing a great job as a mum - we're all just trying our best xx

I use to nanny a kid like this, it really does get on your nerves when everything is a battle. I recommend reading the book you wish your parents read and the whole brain child. It helped me.

One of the best things you can learn as a parent is sometimes we lose it and it's about how you repair. I've shouted at my 3 yo when I've got to the edge of my patience and feel dysregulated or overwhelmed or not listened or reacted with the empathy I should have done.

I say sorry, I'm sorry mummy shouted, didn't listen, didn't understand what you were saying. I shouldn't have done that, it's not ok to etc...

I try and say something to acknowledge their feelings, I know you were upset, sad, frustrated.

Being a parent is about being good enough, connection before correction where possible and saying sorry when you are wrong.

Don't beat yourself up OP, we all f up as parents.

Finally, I would say there are some similarities with my child, she's such a sweetie but we get the worst of her behaviour. This is normal, we are her safe space. When you get into a negative loop of punishing, try reframing, can you set small, achievable goals and give small rewards, we use a star jar, so many gets her a treat.

Be kind to yourself, beating yourself up is not likely to help you to regulate at times of pressure.

Hi OP, I think some posters have been unduly harsh. You're clearly a good mum having a tricky time. I have 2 dc and they are very different to each other and last year one was going through a tricky stage and wearing myself and dh down to be honest. Luckily he's moved through it now but I can sympathise. If I'd had just dd or two like her I'd wonder how anyone could ever get frustrated with their child! I think repairing for shouting is a good idea, and working out how you can get more time for yourself and positive one on one with your youngest. Equally chat with your dh about how you can both be on the same page. It sounds like he needs to step up a bit. Someone else suggested the how to talk book and I agree it's very helpful. I'd also be annoyed if grandparents were indulging certain behaviour. I've had to talk to my own dm about certain things before.

This 100%

All the emotion saved up for you as you’re her trusted person. Sad but true the ones we love the most often get the worst of us.

Also to add, look into children's temperament traits. Some children are much more persistent, intense etc than others. My dd was quite placid as a toddler but also quick to give up if she can't do something. My ds is more persistent in general, meaning although he can try us, he will stick with things. And sticking with things is quite useful in adults!

Several things spring to mind for me:

• some of the replies here are mad. Children at 3 do understand instructions and should be told off sometimes!
• I suspect she is very tired from nursery and lets go with you because you’re her mum. Also possible she is feeling stressed around you because you are not calm and predictable. Maybe she is starting to recognise that when she is around you, she gets told off and is stressed??
• I think tantrums and crying at 3 is totally totally normal. Absolutely imo this does not mean she has additional needs!!!
• you need to be less stressed. Whatever that means. Your partner sounds largely absent - not really ok.
• don’t waste time feeling guilty about what’s been already. You obviously want to change your behavior pattern with her so start that now. What rewards are you giving for not crying?? Start a mega reward system. Absolutely spoil her when she does not cry at times when you change activity; reward her for listening - stickers, choc, a toy - whatever it takes. I have a bag of shiny fun things - mini toys, sticker books etc and I let my DS pick one out of my special bag when he is good at listening etc.

best of luck to you xxx

Sorry but I disagree with some of what’s been said here. I think what’s making things difficult for you is she’s not getting consistent discipline across all her caregivers. Hitting, kicking and spitting isn’t acceptable but you seem to be the only one trying to teach her this?

Don't judge anyone until you've stood in their shoes. No one is perfect and obviously OP already feels awful.

Gentle parenting doesn’t work is quite a statement. I agree actions have consequences and I would say I’m a gentle parent. I also pick my kid up if they’re having a moment in a public space and move them away from people/out of people’s way (for everyone’s benefit!), immediately put my kid in his buggy if he runs off, stick to my guns if I’ve said no etc.

I would say that permissive parenting and/or leaving kids to grow up without quality time with their parents is much more at play than proper gentle parenting.

Crying is communication when you’re talking about a three year old - ignoring them teaches them that they have to choose between your love or their feelings. Not a great lesson.

If anyone else I love was crying, I’d help them as best I could. I wouldn’t ignore them and I wouldn’t send them off to be on their own. I’m also a teacher and I know that shouting at kids isn’t acceptable (unless there is some sort of danger) in a classroom so why would I shout at my own child? Gentle parenting isn’t the enemy here and we should be responding to a toddler if they are upset.

I have though. I am a mother and grandmother. People need to hear it sometimes.

A lot of these replies must be making you feel awful. I've always believed a parent who recognises when they've messed up and wants to do better is a good one. We all have momements where we feel we've messed up and its horrible. I have a 3 year old and I have definitely shouted lots during periods of constant tantrums. The noise can be overwhelming and it doesn't matter how well you understand that shouting doesn't help, it still happens. I always, always apologise when I've shouted and I work hard on reconnecting. I also know it's a clear signal I need a break. Im always trying to do better. Please try not to be hard on yourself, it's a really tough phase and I understand how you're feeling. It sounds like you parent with love but need more support in the hard moments.

I won't be sidetracked to another thread, sorry. God knows what trans has got to do with simple parenting. Anyway, this child is reflecting mothers behaviour. She can behave for others, she probably doesn't much like her mother's company right now. It's mum needs to change, then the child's behaviour will.

You actually haven't been in the OP's position. So a little kindness would go a long way.

Still doesn't mean you've stood in her shoes. Every child is different, every parenting experience is different. Being a mother and a grandmother doesn't give you carte blanche to be a sanctimonious old boot.

You know nothing about me unless that's a pack of tarot cards in your hand. You have no idea whatsoever about my circumstances. Most of us have had the experience of bringing up kids, the hardest job there is. If all the replies were sugar coated then maybe the OP would carry on but hopefully it looks like she's taking on board what is being said.
She's posted and I'm concerned for the child's emotional wellbeing so have said my bit. I haven't been unkind, I've been honest and it's my opinion.

Well I certainly don't think I'm superior in any way. However, if children are being emotionally harmed by parenting then people should speak up. Emotional abuse can be as harmful as physical. My concern here is for the child. It's a forum for opinions and if all you have us insults then you've lost the argument and are showing yourself up 'Princess'.

Communication, distraction, positive reinforcement. Not naughty step and shouting.

LOL okay.

"Communication, distraction, positive reinforcement"

That tells me EVERYTHING I need to know. You've not got a clue.

I can relate so much to all your posts, OP. I had a very difficult year or so with my now 4.5yo, back when she was 3 and I was pregnant with my 2nd. It was so so so hard! She was pushing back against everything I said and asked, meltdowns we're off the charts, getting dressed, bathed, ready, eating anything would take 1h30-2h, I jad really bad pregnancy sickness, sciatica andy partner was away a lot. I was not coping well, and she clearly wasn't either. I am not proud to say that i lost my cool and shouted more than once and always felt horrible guilt for doing so. For the last 6mo or so, things are getting much better and easier, but it was a really rough ride.

Jesus! Shouting "Go upstairs to daddy!" because you're fed up isn't emotional abuse! Shouting horrible stuff and insults to your kid all the time ("I hate you", "You're so stupid", etc.) is, and isn't the same thing at all as losing your cool because you're stretched and exhausted.

Just to say you seem to be suggesting it’s your in-laws who have created/encouraged these behaviours. I think that’s unfair - it sounds like it’s just who she is at the moment and that she is expressing it with you as you are her safe person.

Try not to blame people who love her and are doing you a massive favour.

No I'm not blaming them, I've had these conversations with them about lack of boundaries - I'm just stating it how it is. Context for why I do have boundaries in the short time I see her which frustrates us both I guess

I know it’s a lie but could you tell in-laws that’s she’s started doing (hitting or whatever) at nursery and they’ve asked you to follow a script so that it stops? I know it’s not ideal but just trying to think of how to force them to be a bit more helpful so you’re not dealing with this by yourself.

I think 'disciplining' a 3.5 year old is rather unpleasant. By all means keep her safe by saying no when she's about to hurt herself or others, but 3.5 year olds aren't mature enough to 'talk about their behaviours'. They don't really understand why they do anything.

I think pick your battles. If she hit you because she didn't like her hair, had she already tried to tell you she didn't like it and you ignored her? (Because you were putting dishes away at this point, not doing her hair).

I actually think you need to try being kinder. It's clear your in-laws are trying to tell you that too, but they are desperate not to alienate you.