I've messed up with 3 year old

[Neitherherenorthere1]

I lost it this morning with my 3.5 year old DD.
I shouted at her really loudly when she came downstairs at 630 am to start crying in my presence.
I told her to go upstairs and cry. My husband walked in from the gym at that exact same moment and is angry at me for it.

For context she cries all the time over everything and nothing. She only does this with me. She is perfect in nursery and an angel with my in-laws ( admittedly they do spoil her and pamper her which I don't do. I discipline her).
I will collect her from nursery and they will tell me she's been perfect but the minute we leave the nursery she starts crying having a meltdown and refuses to walk to the car. Same thing for bath time, bed time literally anything I need her to do. Including her hair in the mornings, breakfast getting changed. Her dad leaves before nursery runs and returns near bedtime for work. I'm really struggling with the constant loud crying that is soo hard to stop. She also hits when she doesn't get her way and yesterday pushed me because she didn't like her hair? She caught me off guard and I nearly toppled as I was putting dishes away. She also hits my DD10 constantly, kicks, pulls hair punches when she's annoyed or doesn't like something.
My husband thinks I'm tough on her with the constant telling off and thinking step etc.
shes different to my other DD's she has meltdowns on everything and doesn't seem to improve from the naughty step or having no games/treats if she hits but nothing is working.
i partly think it's my in-laws who spoil her and don't pick her up on her tantrums or hitting and make excuses for her. If I tell her off at my in-laws for doing something like spitting, jumping on a chair which was upside down and hearing a crack I get told off by my in-laws for always being on her back in of her!
I can't cope with her crying for no reason and I snapped. I know I shouldn't have but her crying triggers me. I'm sure there's so much more information I could add but it sounds so defensive.

Im so disappointed with myself but I am
loud as a person and working in the profession I do I have no patience for spoilt kids crying including my own.
please be kind I know I can do better but I dnt know how to stop her with her behaviours and tantrums as nothing that was effective with my older two DD (with different grandparents!!) works here and I am losing my mind.

For what it's worth, I've studied (only a bit!) of attachment theory and parents are allowed to make mistakes and invariably will, it's whether you are able to repair the rupture, i.e explain why you were angry and upset with her and then provide comfort and reassurance that it's her behaviour you were upset with and not her as a person.

I have only read your comments but I think you need to step away and look at everything as this setup isn’t working. She’s really young and you’re really busy and she might have additional needs and she has many different caregivers with different expectations… it’s a lot. Can you pull back on anything in your own life to calm things down a bit?

my daughter is autistic and this is the age it started being obvious as it presents really differently in girls. She has always been perfect at daycare and school. Scarily perfect as it turns out as she’s too anxious to do anything to even go close to misbehaving. Masks all day and is shattered at home. She feels safe with me so I get the worst of it.

I think you need to find times to do things together. My daughter needs loads of outside time to reset herself so we would spend a couple hours at the park every single weekend. Not a lot of activities, lots of time to unwind in the evening. I get that it’s super hard - I work full time as does my husband and we are immigrants so it’s just us - but it has to happen or we all suffer.

I think her behaviour is a cry for your attention. Presumably if she’s good you’re cracking on with something else? I think you need to shower her with love and 1-1 attention and be 100% present and lots of praise. Start on a weekend day rather than after nursery when she’s tired. Think of it as building rapport.

Not relevant to the OP but poor little kids, doing a 10 hour day. Their heads stuffed full of the National Curiculum.
No wonder they cry.

First of all it's normal for her to be worse with you as you're her safe person.

Secondly, pick your battles. Hitting, destroying not ok. Making a mess in the garden with water ok. Eating toast while sitting on the floor and making crumbs fine.

Thirdly, give loads of positive affirmation and praise.

Fourthly do lots of activities with her to build your bond.

Never shout.distract and redirect.

I am pro naughty step if applied consistently. Sit with her and talk through what was wrong when she has done something unacceptable like hitting.
Hug and start over.

If what you have to say isn’t relevant to the OP then why say it? Do you enjoy trying to make working parents feel guilty?

And who do you recommend looks after them? The flower fairies?

Can I ask, what do you mean 100% present? Sounds like bs from a shit parenting book.
Will she be allowed to shower and go to the toilet, cook a meal, try to read a book every once in a while?
If you never had a high need baby or an SEN child who masks around others but hell breaks loose at home, you would not be spouting such nonsense.

It sounds like you were taught that being sad isn’t okay, but being angry is. You’re likely inadvertently teaching your daughter the same (by demonstrating that it’s not okay to cry, but it is okay to shout).

As others have said, if you don’t change your approach she’ll struggle to learn how to regulate her own emotions and may develop the same pattern. It’s worth considering if that might be happening with you too (you feel stressed and sad, but the only emotion you feel safe communicating is anger).

It’s important to recognise that you didn’t choose to learn these patterns. The good thing is that you clearly love your daughter and with support we can all change our unhelpful patterns

Obviously that’s just one thought and may be well off the mark. Whatever’s going on, I’d recommend trying to speak to a professional if you can afford it (I’d look for a Clinical or Counselling Psychologist or BACP accredited therapist, as there’s a lot of unqualified people selling themselves as therapists).

💯 this ^

Your post does resonate with me Thankyou

My daughter attends 9-3 and I do drop off and collections for 3 days it's all about play learning so no head full of learning as such but is possibly having access to all the fun things u can't offer working full time with other small people her age.

If this is your experience, your choice of nursery is to blame. My DGC spends two long days at nursery and there's an excellent balance of learning, play and rest. It's completely natural for a 3 year old to be tired and cranky as the end of the day approaches as at that age simply existing gives them a lot to process. There isn't any difference in behaviour at the end of her nursery days from her home days, other than on the home days she can get a little bored as it's impossible to replicate the variety of stimulation a good nursery offers.

FFS! 🙄 You and I don’t know the OP or her child but I’d put money on the fact that @Neitherherenorthere1loves her daughter enormously, she just doesn’t like the behaviour right now!
Clearly doesn’t like her child …. jeez

It sounds like your DD needs to spend a lot less time with your in laws as they undermining you as her Mum and stopping her from learning that the unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable.

It may be that she has additional needs but her not having any boundaries at your in laws is not ok.

This is totally out of line.

I have 3 DC and my 3rd, a girl also, sounds very much like yours.

My older two (girl and boy) needed a firm telling off on the very rare occasion but otherwise were very placid and easy children.

My third is very emotional, strong willed and as a toddler/young child would scream and tantrum. She was also an angel at school.

I learned after a while that my previous parenting style of telling off just wouldn't work with her. Nor would any kind of thinking step. Meeting her like this would escalate her emotions even further. It was very hard to resist labelling her 'stubborn' or 'difficult '. But it's important not to. I'm the 'stubborn' one in my family because I was as a child but am actually now the most laid-back of my siblings. It's an unfair judgement that can linger.

I always did (and do) love 3rd dc so much, she is an absolute delight, kind and thoughtful, intelligent and creative.

Eventually I realised that what she needed from me in her high emotional states was empathy and calmness. It didn't mean that I would agree with her or let her behave badly but it required me to calmly respond to her (even if she was screaming), whilst also remaining firm in whatever the boundary was or the consequence she'd need to face.
I would also offer her a cuddle and a chance to sit quietly with me holding hands for a few minutes before we addressed it again if she needed to calm down. She really enjoyed this and it made her more open to facing the consequence (like saying sorry to a sibling etc.).

She massively improved, her behaviour has become so much better and she is very kind to others and good at regulating her emotions now. She still likes to sit with me.

Sorry for the ramble, I know sometimes parenting can be frustrating. But just remember she is very young and needs your help to deal with her big emotions.

You think they're doing 10 hours of lessons?

Im guessing you're a trad-wife?

Sorry OP but she doesn’t sound secure at home. She knows you are furious with her for being upset which is very unsettling.

And I seriously wish people like you would stop trying to prevent girls from getting help they may need.

what makes you think you're the only one with experience of children this age? 🙄

You did fine.
Actions have consequenses.

Personallyi'd ignore the crying. or do exactly as you did which is send her to her room if she wants to cry. for heavens sake.

for all the people reccomending the gentle parenting lark, it doesnt work. actions have consequences. and especially at that age expecting them to be able to think about the crap they are pulling in an ordered way is usless.

the crying tactic its for attention- dont give in and eventully they will stop. distraction techniques if neccessary but dont pander, dont sooth, just let them ride it out till they have had enough

What the above poster said.

Hi- I do understand. Perhaps if you change how you understand your role in this scenario that would help? It is not your job to change the rules of the world, you cannot change time or when things have to be done, or having to walk to the car/wear shoes etc. your job as a parent is to stand beside your child as they come to terms with the challenges of the world, and help them regulate their emotions and feelings. This last bit is really important, a 3.5 year old cannot simply squash their feelings down or explain them to you. Your job is to make sure they don’t feel rejected or alone with these feelings. Your job is can sit next to them, help them with a cuddle or some breathing techniques ( we used to try to blow the clouds away) and see the storm out. Your own emotional dysregulation is only showing your child that emotions are scary and uncontrollable. You can do this, it just needs a rethink.

Incorrect, unkind & unnecessary.

Yes to ear loops or even one ear bud in listening to music!

OP it sounds like you and DD are caught in a miserable loop. It sounds too like she isn’t a naughty step kid (one of mine is, he calms and resets, the other it’s just a consequence but doesn’t help him). You need another way to set the boundaries.

Needing a break from crying is real, but next time remove yourself not her or give her some screen time while you regulate. She’s big enough for you to read the explosive child and do some problem solving together.

Your DH and in laws don’t get this behaviour because you are her safe space. She isn’t crying to be naughty but because she is sad. Give cuddles, read a book, babywear, pop her on a learning tower next to you…