I've messed up with 3 year old

[Neitherherenorthere1]

I lost it this morning with my 3.5 year old DD.
I shouted at her really loudly when she came downstairs at 630 am to start crying in my presence.
I told her to go upstairs and cry. My husband walked in from the gym at that exact same moment and is angry at me for it.

For context she cries all the time over everything and nothing. She only does this with me. She is perfect in nursery and an angel with my in-laws ( admittedly they do spoil her and pamper her which I don't do. I discipline her).
I will collect her from nursery and they will tell me she's been perfect but the minute we leave the nursery she starts crying having a meltdown and refuses to walk to the car. Same thing for bath time, bed time literally anything I need her to do. Including her hair in the mornings, breakfast getting changed. Her dad leaves before nursery runs and returns near bedtime for work. I'm really struggling with the constant loud crying that is soo hard to stop. She also hits when she doesn't get her way and yesterday pushed me because she didn't like her hair? She caught me off guard and I nearly toppled as I was putting dishes away. She also hits my DD10 constantly, kicks, pulls hair punches when she's annoyed or doesn't like something.
My husband thinks I'm tough on her with the constant telling off and thinking step etc.
shes different to my other DD's she has meltdowns on everything and doesn't seem to improve from the naughty step or having no games/treats if she hits but nothing is working.
i partly think it's my in-laws who spoil her and don't pick her up on her tantrums or hitting and make excuses for her. If I tell her off at my in-laws for doing something like spitting, jumping on a chair which was upside down and hearing a crack I get told off by my in-laws for always being on her back in of her!
I can't cope with her crying for no reason and I snapped. I know I shouldn't have but her crying triggers me. I'm sure there's so much more information I could add but it sounds so defensive.

Im so disappointed with myself but I am
loud as a person and working in the profession I do I have no patience for spoilt kids crying including my own.
please be kind I know I can do better but I dnt know how to stop her with her behaviours and tantrums as nothing that was effective with my older two DD (with different grandparents!!) works here and I am losing my mind.

I'm sorry but I disagree. At home my DD chucks her rubbish in the bin. At my in-laws she throws it on the floor and expects them to pick it up and they do and she doesn't get told off. She clearly knows the difference as she doesn't do it at home as it would get picked up. So if she's doing something disrespectful to my in-laws in front of me it's my job to correct her. That's when they say I'm being tough on her.

My fabulous adult kids with good jobs who have never been in trouble suggests you are wrong and are just an aggressive troll who likes arguing and drama.

Your in-laws should not be butting in when your telling your child no, what they are doing is undermining you and trying to win her affection by blatantly making you out to be Hitler and then saying she doesn’t have rules at there’s!

Honestly, she sounds exactly like my son at this age. He would tantrum and, cry the minute I picked him up from nursery. I had moments where I wanted to give up. He’s 15 now and, has been diagnosed with autism and ADHD. I came to understand that he would become frustrated when he couldn’t articulate his needs. You’ll get there with her. I’d start the ball rolling if you think she has additional needs. It took me from my son being 2 until he was finally diagnosed at 10. You sound like you’re doing a great job but, perhaps overwhelmed with the busy workload etc.

I meant initially as a one off - ie dedicate a morning or a day to her, and not other kids/phone/work/other things etc & yes I would think she’d still go to loo! I’ve experienced something similar with my 3 yr old and I’ve made a conscious effort to give her dedicated time rather than juggling with other stuff always (which is what normally happens)

OP, I think you are doing an amazing job reflecting on your situation and on how you got where you are now. I hope that you will find a way through that makes your entire family happier.

And @HerNeighbourTotoro why the need to be so…confrontational I have two kids who are very demanding. Neither sleep much. I’ve co-slept with both since March 23. I certainly don’t have an easy life 🤣

Absolutely not. I think it's absurd that tiny children are supposed to study things that are completely useless.

No I'm not a trad anything. I believe that a 10 hour day is too long and the demands of the NC are too great.

The national curriculum does not apply to nursery children. Nursery practitioners work with the Early Years Framework. They do not 'teach' lessons, they provide activities to develop in the seven areas of learning which are largely play based.

OP you are being far too harsh with her, children need love before punishment.

She's trying to draw love for her put of you but not succeeding.

Coming out of school most probably is because she is leaving a positive environment to come home to a harsh one.

You are the adult OP and need to keep control of yourself and not blame a three year old child for the situation.

Perhaps it feeds into stuff from your own childhood?

I respectfully suggest you try some counselling for yourself.

Thank You, I am a ware of that. I was referring to later life. A just turned 4 year old , for example.

That would be a reception child. Reception also do not do the national curriculum, they are still on the early years framework. Reception children also will not be doing 10 hours days. No child being taught the NC is in school 10 hours, it's about 6.5.

If they are at breakfast club and after school club, they could be doing a 10 hour day. I know because I supported a child at a school. There were many things expected of him throughout the school day.
"prepare children for the demands of the National Curriculum in year One"
So they could have just turned 5.

I amnot sure a three year old can talk about their behaviour in the way you would like. Can you tell us and her about all the lovely bits of being with her.

😀 can tell you have no idea about nursery and what type of parent you are in your one post! I’m assuming grandparent? I’ve come across many like you, muttering ‘poor kids’ whilst putting them in front of a tv and/or talking down to them.

Bizarre post. There is a huge amount of research to show that children are not ready for the rigours of formal education until aged 7. Look at some of the evidence from other countries.
Pencil grip is one area which is problematic for some. Its a develpomental thing.
Free play and outdoor play is constantly being eroded by the demands of a curriculm which was set up by a gang of ex public school boys.
Fronted adverbial anyone?