Child Benefit Rival Claim Ex Partner Earning Loads!!!!! part 2

[ProlongedAffair]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5294980-child-benefit-rival-claim-ex-partner-earning-loads?reply=144269354

I can’t write on the previous thread anymore, so I’ve created this one for people interested in the outcome of the CMS case. I’m committed to telling people what the outcome is regardless of whether it goes my way or not.

Yes there is that. Many op’s would not of come back to admit how shit the outcome became for them.

Though I still think we may be missing something as most children don’t suddenly move out because mums money hungry from dad so guess she’s been in their ear a lot and dads provided evidence contradicting her words over possibly years.

Maybe as adults this can be fixed ops going to have to be on best behaviour and I’m not sure she will be able to get over her feeling of it not being fair she did the “hard” years and he got the “easy” years.

@ProlongedAffair I'm really sorry your children have completely moved. I am also sorry that you didn't realise what a good position you were in. It's easy to look back and regret, but I'm sure you really did believe that you deserved more. I hope you can repair the relationship with your children and that you continue to have reliable work.

He shouldn’t have discussed it with our children because it’s got nothing to do with them.

I am not saying I have no responsibility, but I do think I’ve been alienated by him telling the children these details.

Ive done all the grunt work, sacrificed my career etc so I do feel I’m ’owed’ something and I think most of you would also feel the same way if you were in my position.

If I’d behaved the way you have I’d accept whatever comes my way from that OP. You were warned here, repeatedly.

He has told the truth to your children, if you don’t like how the truth makes you look then the only person you have to blame is yourself and your own actions.

Although I've been critical of the decisions you've made that have brought you to this point, I'm still sorry it's come to this. I hope you manage to rebuild your relationship with your children.

You decided to be a parent you are owed nothing he paid what he was meant to when he did. You could have left the children with him and fucked off and paid just maintenance if you wanted too.

The children will of asked and likely seen and heard your attitude for many years.

Pages and pages of people telling you they don’t feel the way you do.

you are the problem. He can tell his children the truth if he wants to. You have done this all yourself.

the delusion in all of your posts is amazing and so frustrating to read.

But, as previous posters have pointed out time and again, legally you are not ’owed’ anything. You admitted yourself that your ex has both children more than you, therefore in the eyes of CMS and the child benefit team, he is seen as the primary carer. If you’d just accepted what people were saying, taken the advice on board, and possibly approached things in a different way, your ex may not have felt the need to share this information with your children (I do agree that he shouldn’t have, but that’s by the by)

All you can do now is focus on rebuilding your relationship with your children. Forget about the money aspect.

Teenagers tend to want to know stuff that concerns them. This does. As long as he was honest about the situation, I can't blame him.

You're not owed anything. When he had the children less he was paying you £1000 a month. That was what you were owed.

When he had the children half he was paying you £300 a month. He was also allowing you have both of the CB claims giving you another £180 a month that you were not owed all of. You then went for even more.

Many of us have been in exactly your position so your repeated "you'd do the same" is self justifying bollocks.

Your greed and absolute determination to ignore anyone who urged caution caused this whole saga.

And giving your teenage children a truthful appraisal of why he'd taken the stance he had isn't not alienation.

*is not alienation

I hope you can put it all behind you, accept you made a big mistake chasing money you weren’t entitled to and focus on rebuilding your relationship with your children. Good luck

I do think hes right that youre pursuing him unfairly. This wasnt grunt work, you had a family and made choices. You will never know whether your career would have been more successful if you didnt have them.

And tbh it does sound like he paid fairly, its just then he wasnt as well off as he is now. You cant say I deserved it then, his circs and yours were different.

But I agree, while I think hes told them the truth. I dont think he should have told them at all. I hope youre able to rebuild with them, but I dont think saying to them I feel "owed" for the "grunt work" will do you any favours.

If you do feel in hindsight you should have behaved differently over the maintainence and CB I think you want to base anything you say around that.

I do have a question.

has he put in a cms claim yet for both boys?

Will you when you see the boys tell them he’s making you pay?

So your grabby, entitled attitude has now pushed away your children. And rather than worry about this and try to improve the relationship you’re still here harping on about money and child benefit?!

are you for real?? What an appalling role model you are for your kids.

You mean he told them the truth?

Look, I am a single parent and did all the ‘grunt work’, far far far more than you (because my ex did not change his mind about access halfway though the ‘grunt work’ plus he did not pay CMS to the level he should have) but I made my absolute peace with this because I would do anything for my children, anything.

I don’t resent anyone or anything - I did also sacrifice my career but I did so to be with my beautiful children so nothing was lost, I gained time with them which was priceless to me. I was working as a cleaner whilst on UC but I have nothing but fond memories of this time with them now they are older.

Your mindset is very negative and toxic and it is a big contributing factor to what’s happened now. I am sorry your kids have left you but I think now is the time to reflect properly.

I do not read your posts and believe for any moment that your resentment doesn’t affect your kids, I find it hard to believe you have completely hidden this from them and it’s all his fault. If they know you resent losing out on money and your career because you were stuck looking after them, how would this make them feel?

You constantly describe parenting your kids as ‘grunt work’ and have a big chip on your shoulder about it and believe you are owed money for it. There is no joy detected in your posts about parenting or your children at all. It’s all transactional. Ultimately this transactional viewpoint has cost you your children. Your ex has clearly been pushed to a point by you where enough is enough.

I am trying my best. After years of parenting with a narcissist it is difficult. I do not think he should have told the children about this very adult issue. I obviously wouldn’t have pursued him for money had I known this was the outcome. CMS told me I had a valid claim as 50/50 isn’t just overnights it’s about who does the most which I genuinely think I did do.

Everyone told you this was the outcome. You ignored everyone saying that and acted like everyone was telling you to fill out the forms.

I actually don't disagree that the children didn't need to know about the ins and outs of your financial battles.

However, it's not narcissistic to tell the truth, even if it might have been a bit unnecessary. It's also extremely unlikely that your children went from having a close and loving relationship with you to moving in with their Dad purely because he told them about this.

The chances are that this is the last straw and they are sick and tired of your behaviour and your attitude towards their other parent. Stop calling their Dad a narcissist (even if he is, although all of his behaviour that you've described in this thread indicates a good Dad and ex partner who has done right by you and your kids, but refuses to be taken advantage of) and for the love of god, PLEASE stop thinking you deserve money from him as some sort of compensation for parenting your own kids IN THE PAST.

NO-ONE agrees with you. Not your kids, not your ex, not Mumsnet. Doesn't that tell you that you must have got it wrong and your thinking is distorted?

Your kids are not coming back whilst you still think you are right and their Dad is in the wrong. Even if he was wrong to tell them, you were more wrong to do it in the first place and whilst you are focusing on what he's done wrong you're not taking accountability for this situation, which is not only entirely of your own making but was accurately predicted and described to you before it happened. We were right then, and we're right now, when will you start listening?

Well I obviously didn’t think my kids wouldn’t want to live with me anymore. I still believe the CMS need to update their policies about these 50/50 scenarios, why let me claim in the first place? Why tell me it’s not about overnights but who ‘does the most’? Why award me money then change their minds once child benefit was contested?

CMS told me I had a valid claim as 50/50 isn’t just overnights it’s about who does the most which I genuinely think I did do.

Aaargh!!

But... he WAS (voluntarily) paying you something before you went to CMS and you were also getting the child benefit. You could have seen those two things as "compensation" for you doing more of the admin (which you probably did do, although your ex also seems to have done a significant proportion)

Why tell me it’s not about overnights but who ‘does the most’?

Is that, verbatim, what they said?

Because you have consistently chosen an interpretation of matters which is in your favour. That's a very human thing to do, of course, but it does make me wonder if CMS said something like "overnights are a key factor, but other things can come into it' which you interpreted as 'it's not about overnights'

Because CMS is a mess. You were warned not to take their word for it and plenty of people offered their own stories of where CMS had got it wrong because they don't know their own policies, and you were sent links and screenshots to prove their policy.