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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask PIL to leave early?

223 replies

LeBonBon · 21/05/2025 15:29

I've posted about my bonkers MIL before but this has really taken the biscuit.

Got out of hospital on Thursday after a difficult labour and c-section where I hemorrhaged. Recovery has been tricky too with a toddler and zero sleep.

I knew PIL planned to visit at some point close to the birth. I asked my DH every day what their plans were. He didn't know as could never get a firm answer despite neither of them working.

At the weekend he confirmed they were arriving Tuesday (yesterday) and would stay one night. Fine. Not ideal as I'm deep in the breastfeeding/cluster feeding trenches and the evenings have been rough. But I could deal with one night.

They turn up Tuesday evening with big suitcases and bags full of shopping, and announce to the room that they are staying until the following Wednesday, so over a week and until my DH is due back at work.

No asking, no checking if it's OK prior to coming.

Is this not absolutely insane?

Why would they think this is OK?

I have had words with DH and he has politely asked them to leave at the weekend (still at least 3 days too long).

I know I'm NBU to expect at least a prior heads up or the courtesy of asking if this would be OK, but I'd like to ask how mumsnetters would actually deal with this nonsense in the moment to help me next time.

I really wanted to say, "No way - I'm recovering from major surgery, still bleeding, on loads of meds from the blood loss and preventing clots, getting to grips with breastfeeding, I've got the postpartum sweats constantly and I want to bond with my baby, support my toddler in the transition and just f-ing rest without an audience."

Instead I stayed quiet and got more upset as the evening went on and I fed my baby upstairs as the ILs took over my sofa.

I finally exploded at my DH when he came to check why I was so quiet and away.

My DH was annoyed that I had waited until we were alone to protest and get upset, but when someone literally says "We're staying until next Wednesday, that OK?" to your face, do you genuinely just say "Sorry no."?

Any help would be appreciated!

OP posts:
Apksbdv · 21/05/2025 15:32

In these circumstances I would have have reacted the same way as you and I’d of been looking at my DH to immediately say no that’s not ok.
For me my DH needs to manage his parents and I manage mine. You’ve done nothing wrong here. He’s projectimg his frustration because he doesn’t want to deal with it

Hankunamatata · 21/05/2025 15:34

Also them to book into a b and b or hotel.

Or ask dh to book something for them

GrannyJJ · 21/05/2025 15:34

I’d go downstairs and say I agreed to one night and in order to allow me to rest and recover I’d be grateful if you could stick to the agreement as our health has to take priority. Don’t wait for an answer - just turn round and go back upstairs until they go. It’s beyond rude - who tf invites themselves for a week at anytime never mind just as you’ve given birth. Your husband was given the opportunity to tell them and he failed so they leave as agreed. I’m furious for you. They must have zero social skills

Currentquandry · 21/05/2025 15:35

You poor thing, OP. That sounds horrendous. You wouldn't be at all unreasonable to ask them to leave at the time they said they would rather than a compromise of until the weekend. I think your DH should explain (since they apparently don't get it!) that you had a very challenging labour and need rest and quiet to recover and be able to deal with your newborn and toddler. I don't think you should worry about their negative reaction because the situation is on them for being so inconsiderate and insensitive in the first place. Your DH can suggest a (slightly) longer visit at another time (if you feel you can do that!) In the meantime, do what you need to do to cope and if that's staying upstairs, then that's what you should do. Prioritise yourself and your children, not your PILs. (Also, congratulations on your new baby!)

Lmnop22 · 21/05/2025 15:36

Oh yeah, his parents are his responsibility to chastise and chastise he must!

Even if you weren’t a week post partum, this is incredibly rude and disruptive.

Have him see if they will move to a local hotel and just pop round in the day/evening for a couple of hours to give you guys some space?

If that’s not affordable he will have to just tell them to go home and to figure out a date for a longer visit if they want one before they leave (with plenty of notice) to try and smooth things over.

The problem with people like this is they don’t think if anyone else and they do what they like and rely on politeness so they don’t get called out

ForFunGoose · 21/05/2025 15:37

This will lead to major resentment in your marriage! I would ask to speak to mil tell her they are welcome one more night and no more. You are a new mother and finding it all very overwhelming. You need this time with your dh and baby.

Then tell your dh he is NEVER again to let anyone call without a plan.

AlorsTimeForWine · 21/05/2025 15:37

Poor you...

I'd go downstairs now and directly tell them yourself that
you love and care for them blah blah but you just gave birth, they can stay tonight but need to leave tomorrow morning and youd love to have female back down in a few months once you are fully recovered.

DH would get the fucking riot act read to him.
Buy in a load of nice ready meals or get some cook meals in and try and take care of your self.

Re toddler bonding
toy buggy and baby dolly were a massive hit. My oldest used to change nappies with me and would also be my real life helper "here the poo bag mummy!"

myplace · 21/05/2025 15:40

“My DH was annoyed that I had waited until we were alone to protest and get upset, but when someone literally says "We're staying until next Wednesday, that OK?" to your face, do you genuinely just say "Sorry no."?”

Because, DH, 5 days after trauma, surgery and giving birth, I should not have to remind you to manage your parents who were supposed to stay for 1 night.
That is Your job, DH, to reduce stress on me and the baby, and manage your own parents.

Florally · 21/05/2025 15:40

Poor you OP that sounds horrendous.

i wouldn’t even put myself through the conversation, your DH needs to tell them that they can’t stay beyond one night.

Aside from anything else you want family time together before he goes back to work.

Bourbonversuscustardcream · 21/05/2025 15:42

Your DH should have stepped in for you and said no. It’s bloody obvious that then staying over a week is unreasonable and a) they’re his parents and b) you’re the post partum person caring for a newborn.

My in-laws visited from 8 hours away when my babies were born - they stayed in a hotel and visited for a few hours over a couple of days before going again. They were helpful and I like them but I still hated it. I would’ve gone nuts if they’d suggested staying a week. You’re totally reasonable to want them gone and expect your DH to sort it out.

ThejoyofNC · 21/05/2025 15:44

I would be a real cow about this. I would tell him (not ask) to prioritise his wife and newborn over his rude and inconsiderate parents and ask them to leave now. Not at the weekend.

Rosebush1245 · 21/05/2025 15:47

Ultimately this is a DH problem and he needs to stand up for his wife and newborn child and tell them NO.

LittleBitofBread · 21/05/2025 15:51

They need to fuck off now, not at the weekend (why did he tell them the weekend???)
And they need to be told that if they pull this shit again they will stop being invited to stay at all.

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 21/05/2025 15:52

Sod these compromises of “just one night” or a B&B and they come round in the day.

Put a damn boundary down - and that’s for DH to do. Right. Now.

I’m fuming at all of them for you, OP.

youcannaecallherfanny · 21/05/2025 15:55

Bloody hell that’s awful. I’m sorry you’re surrounded by thoughtless idiots, your ‘d’h included.

id go straight downstairs and tell them to leave. ‘Sorry, I need my own house and space as I’m recovering from major surgery. Or you’ll need to go stay in a hotel. Staying here for a week isn’t an option’

toastofthetown · 21/05/2025 15:56

I agree with everyone else who says this is a husband problem. Will he go back to them and say that on reflection, he thinks they should only stay one night as planned. And phrase it coming from him, rather than ‘LeBonBon only wants you staying for one night’. If not, then why is he prioritising his parents over you?

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 21/05/2025 15:57

I would also be inclined to think DH knew more of their plan than he’s letting on

nopineapplepizza · 21/05/2025 16:04

Recovering from major abdominal surgery is not a spectator sport FFS.

Tell your H you’re booking him in for a vasectomy and you’re going to invite your parents to visit and sit next to him as he recovers 🙄

Capybara6473 · 21/05/2025 16:22

You’ve just given birth, your DH should be doing anything you need to support you and that includes managing his bonkers parents. It shouldn’t have taken you exploding for him to see that their plan was mad tbh.

ForFunGoose · 21/05/2025 16:28

I do feel for you op,it’s desperate they are suiting themselves! Have the fight now and guard your home and boundaries going forward.

His parents are boundary bullies and dh has been putting up with this forever. He can’t address it because it is a childhood trauma for him. My father was like this and it took my dh to step in and break the cycle.

you dh will thank you for this x

S0j0urn4r · 21/05/2025 16:36

When they announced staying until Wednesday your DH should have stepped up " Sorry ma & pa. We agreed on an overnight visit. We're not up for anything else. Next time please check first as we'd hate to disappoint you again."

Thisisittheapocalypse · 21/05/2025 16:39

Your DH needs to ask them to leave Friday morning, get a jump start on the bank holiday weekend traffic.

TheGreyQuail · 21/05/2025 16:39

What is wrong with these men wet lettuces that can't speak up for their partners? They have to either stay in a hotel or go home, and stop being so assuming of the situation.
Angry on your behalf OP😡

Cyclebabble · 21/05/2025 16:40

Just no. You will be absolutely exhausted and I cannot see how the stress from this visit would ever be helpful. DH should have managed this and should manage it now.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 21/05/2025 16:41

Text him food requests and tell him to let you know when they have left....
Until then you are upstairs recovering from major surgery..