To ask PIL to leave early?

[LeBonBon]

I've posted about my bonkers MIL before but this has really taken the biscuit.

Got out of hospital on Thursday after a difficult labour and c-section where I hemorrhaged. Recovery has been tricky too with a toddler and zero sleep.

I knew PIL planned to visit at some point close to the birth. I asked my DH every day what their plans were. He didn't know as could never get a firm answer despite neither of them working.

At the weekend he confirmed they were arriving Tuesday (yesterday) and would stay one night. Fine. Not ideal as I'm deep in the breastfeeding/cluster feeding trenches and the evenings have been rough. But I could deal with one night.

They turn up Tuesday evening with big suitcases and bags full of shopping, and announce to the room that they are staying until the following Wednesday, so over a week and until my DH is due back at work.

No asking, no checking if it's OK prior to coming.

Is this not absolutely insane?

Why would they think this is OK?

I have had words with DH and he has politely asked them to leave at the weekend (still at least 3 days too long).

I know I'm NBU to expect at least a prior heads up or the courtesy of asking if this would be OK, but I'd like to ask how mumsnetters would actually deal with this nonsense in the moment to help me next time.

I really wanted to say, "No way - I'm recovering from major surgery, still bleeding, on loads of meds from the blood loss and preventing clots, getting to grips with breastfeeding, I've got the postpartum sweats constantly and I want to bond with my baby, support my toddler in the transition and just f-ing rest without an audience."

Instead I stayed quiet and got more upset as the evening went on and I fed my baby upstairs as the ILs took over my sofa.

I finally exploded at my DH when he came to check why I was so quiet and away.

My DH was annoyed that I had waited until we were alone to protest and get upset, but when someone literally says "We're staying until next Wednesday, that OK?" to your face, do you genuinely just say "Sorry no."?

Any help would be appreciated!

Exactly this. And don’t give your DH the option. That spare room has a new purpose - anything at all. But no more guests. If they want to visit they can get a b&b to laze in until 11am as ignoring their DGD should not be an option. Never again. They can visit anytime they choose provided they stay somewhere else. No more eating your meals, no nothing.

Agree, OP I would literally be putting the mattress on Facebook marketplace this weekend. Make the room impossible to use

Yes no more spare room. We've only got three bedrooms so the kids will have one each in 6 months' time.

We've finally made it to Friday but not without a few more letdowns -

MIL was supposed to attend DD's dance class this morning but unsurprisingly didn't get up in time.

They made their own bacon sandwiches for breakfast without asking if anyone else would like one, including their own son who has rushed off to the class without eating anything. I should also say we were up all night with both kids so I know he is running on fumes.

And to top it all off, they've packed up the uneaten food they bought on the first day to take home with them! I'm just laughing at this point.

I'm not angry with DH, I do feel sorry for him for having such selfish parents. We have agreed that if they do ask to come again (I'm not sure they will - I stopped being welcoming after day 1), he will give them the dates that suit us and if they can't tough luck.

They've packed up their uneaten food after stuffing their faces on your beautiful, batch-cooked lasagne? The absolute brass neck of these freeloading CFs. Advice from pps to put your spare room out of commission as
a spare room is excellent. Assuming it's going to be your DS's room, get his things in there as soon as possible, so it's identifiably his space and not available to anyone else.

If I was closer, I'd be round with another lasagne (my DH makes a mean veggie one) and bunting to help you see this awful pair back on the road.

You’d actually consider them visiting again OP?! Fuck that.

I’d forgive a lot of poor behaviour towards me if they were decent grandparents, but they’re not even that.

Oh if it were up to me, never again.

But I know DH loves them and wants them to be part of their GCs lives so what can I do?

I'm not going to badmouth them to my DCs or refuse them access - I imagine they'll show themselves up in time and then wonder why their only GCs don't give a stuff about them.

Agreed. I wouldn’t want them in my house again. They don’t seem particularly interested in their DGC. Likely need to visit to keep up appearances to their friends.

There's nothing wrong with saying that now you have a second child you don't have a spare room anymore so when they come to visit they will need to get an Airbnb.

You could also get an Airbnb when you visit them.

This is the plan. Was going to redecorate and move things around at the end of the year but I'm bringing it forward.

Good!

When we had our second child I actually said to my parents (who I get on perfectly well with) that if they want to visit for more than a week, or with my brother, it would be best for them to get an Airbnb. We do have a spare room but having people on the sofa is too much.

As it happens they've never wanted to stay for more than a week, so what happens is either my parents stay in our spare room for 4-5 days, or my brother comes too and they stay about 10 minutes' walk away. It works well and there hasn't been any falling out over it. They now deal directly with the Airbnb owner to cut out the middle man and make it cheaper.

Fair enough OP. I feel strongly about this because I’ve gone NC with my father due to his behaviour towards me. He barely used to speak to DS when we saw him, so no loss. Obviously because it’s not your parents it’s difficult.

The are selfish and nasty cf. Fancy them packing up the food they brought that’s uneaten because they had your batch cooked home made meals. That says it all. Selfish cf. Have they cleaned up before leaving? I bet not. This is a never again moment because when they decide to visit they are staying in a hotel/b&b that they pay for. You won’t provide any meals or food for them . They’ll have breakfast at the hotel/b&b, lunch in a cafe and dinners in a restaurant (something easy going and you pay for your family if they don’t invite you, which they won’t). Only one family dinner though. No more than a cup of tea at your place. No driving them anywhere.

If they really must darken your door then off they fuck to a B&B. What was the point of this visit if they did nothing but eat your food? They should be ashamed of themselves.

I just still can't fathom that they thought it would be OK to stay over a week.

Today MIL put our washing out on the line and changed my DD's nappy for the first time ever. In 2.5 years she's never once offered. And she had the gall to ask DD who did it better - Nanny, Daddy or Mummy. She is probably the strangest woman I've ever met. I suspect she was trying to prove her "helpfulness" at the final hour, but why bother?

FIL is just straight up useless and did not lift a finger (I suspect this is normal for them at home). I almost lost it at him last night when he asked me what time dinner was (I'd just stood up after breastfeeding for the 100th time).

Thank you everyone for your solidarity and advice 🙏 I think we've got a rough plan for future visits:

• If they ask to stay again before we redecorate, DH will suggest dates that work for us and tell them explicitly what we need help with. This was his idea - he agreed with me that they seem to go into "holiday mode" whenever they come no matter what they say about helping or spending time with the kids. I explicitly asked MIL to attend the dance class today as she'd been making noise about coming up more often to help me when DH goes back to work (and I thought this might be a nice thing they do together when she's here) but no, that was too much to ask.

• Once we've redecorated, they will be asked to book a hotel or airbnb and be given visiting times to suit us.

TBF if your DC are awake several times a night then both you and any guests will all be awake as well - unless they are deaf! Maybe that's why MIL overslept? Your DH needs to say that to make sure the ILs get sleep and because you have no spare bedroom now they definitely need to organise an airbnb next time.

@Dogpawsandcatwhiskers not necessarily. I recently stayed with a friend whose 5mo was having sleep issues. I didn’t hear anything. Besides, if you’re retired surely you can cope with being tired for the sake of something like DGDs dance class when you rarely see her.

Definitely make it clear that in future, they're coming to help, not holiday.

Discuss between you, supplying them with a list, asking them to cook, showing them where things are so the expectation from the moment they walk through the door IS 'you're not a waited on guest, you're family and you're here to help'.

I don't know how you didn't respond to the dinner request with - 'I don't know FIL, whatever time you were planning on cooking it?'

You have handled this brilliantly OP

FIL is just straight up useless and did not lift a finger (I suspect this is normal for them at home). I almost lost it at him last night when he asked me what time dinner was (I'd just stood up after breastfeeding for the 100th time).

What did DH say at the time? He should have been all over this kind of CF behaviour.

Can you not pretend to start the redecorating straight away so they can't do a repeat performance?

Send your husband to visit them on his own.

How women retain respect/attraction for men who would tolerate this when they have just given birth is genuinely beyond me.

Make sure you get rid of the double bed in the spare room lol

Why is this man getting praise for moving the redecorating forward but still talking about “if they want to stay again before we start I’ll ask their permission to have a few boundaries about it.”

No ma’am. That spare mattress would be up for free collection on marketplace tomorrow. The decorating has begun. They can’t argue it hasn’t. It’s just moving very slowly. There’s no way you should be entertaining any talk of them staying again.

I remember your previous post - I seem to remember everyone told you that you and your DH needed to just say a firm 'no' to having your MIL come and stay immediately after you'd had a baby, and that you said 'Well, DH won't say anything so I'll just have to put up with it and try to limit it'.

Your DH really, really needs to step the hell up and start being firm with his insane pushy parents instead of just passively letting them run rings round him and then leaving you to be the villain. They're his parents. He needs to be less of a fanny.