To ask PIL to leave early?

[LeBonBon]

I've posted about my bonkers MIL before but this has really taken the biscuit.

Got out of hospital on Thursday after a difficult labour and c-section where I hemorrhaged. Recovery has been tricky too with a toddler and zero sleep.

I knew PIL planned to visit at some point close to the birth. I asked my DH every day what their plans were. He didn't know as could never get a firm answer despite neither of them working.

At the weekend he confirmed they were arriving Tuesday (yesterday) and would stay one night. Fine. Not ideal as I'm deep in the breastfeeding/cluster feeding trenches and the evenings have been rough. But I could deal with one night.

They turn up Tuesday evening with big suitcases and bags full of shopping, and announce to the room that they are staying until the following Wednesday, so over a week and until my DH is due back at work.

No asking, no checking if it's OK prior to coming.

Is this not absolutely insane?

Why would they think this is OK?

I have had words with DH and he has politely asked them to leave at the weekend (still at least 3 days too long).

I know I'm NBU to expect at least a prior heads up or the courtesy of asking if this would be OK, but I'd like to ask how mumsnetters would actually deal with this nonsense in the moment to help me next time.

I really wanted to say, "No way - I'm recovering from major surgery, still bleeding, on loads of meds from the blood loss and preventing clots, getting to grips with breastfeeding, I've got the postpartum sweats constantly and I want to bond with my baby, support my toddler in the transition and just f-ing rest without an audience."

Instead I stayed quiet and got more upset as the evening went on and I fed my baby upstairs as the ILs took over my sofa.

I finally exploded at my DH when he came to check why I was so quiet and away.

My DH was annoyed that I had waited until we were alone to protest and get upset, but when someone literally says "We're staying until next Wednesday, that OK?" to your face, do you genuinely just say "Sorry no."?

Any help would be appreciated!

You’ve just had a baby and these people who seem to be so disrespectful have announced this and doing as they please. Get your dh to get them out now or you will forever resent him. Are they helpful in any way? Do they help?

I think I'd be torn.

They could be great for taking your toddler out, feeding and looking after him/her, letting you just hole up with the newborn.

Or are they the type to sit on the sofa and expect you to look after them?

If your DH is off too, maybe he could take his parents and your toddler out and have fun together so you get the house to yourself?

the problem is that when this announcement was made, your DH didn't immediately protest, or, at the very least, corner you in a room to agree you both think this is batshit then go talk to his parents privately.

I assume that this is how his family works - his parents just do whatever t hey like and no one ever stands up to them. We dont' have that situation directly, but SIL does. It drives me mad and it doesn't even effect me directly.

You need to tell him to make them leave immediately or you'll probably resent this for the rest of your marriage

Your husband needs to tell them they are imposing at the worst time and they can stay the one night as planned and stay at a b&b if they want to stick around longer. You need to spend his paternity leave as a family adjusting. Not waiting on the in laws.

Omg this is outrageous. Your husband has this one chance to get this right. His handling of this is something you’ll remember forever. He needs to tell them to leave now, not at the weekend. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

This is for you DH to sort out.
I'm sorry that doesn't work for us. We are adjusting to a new baby and mum's recovery. Thanks so much for the kind thoughtts. Perhaps see you text week ?

You have every right to be annoyed with your DH, I'd be furious

Congratulations on the birth of your lovely baby OP.

But yeah...they need to fuck off...tell your husband to get them out or book alternative accomodation

So your Dh is avoiding upsetting them and would rather upset you? I hope you’ve told him this!

Is your husband usually hands on in all respects? If not, I'll bet he's lined up his mum to take care of you all while he is on paternity leave and then assumes you'll be tickety-boo to resume business as usual in two weeks flat.

I feel so cross for you. Your DH has to tell them to go, and book them in somewhere if needs be. What they’re doing is completely unacceptable and I struggle to understand how they might think it’s OK. It may cause some bad feeling / an argument, but tough - one night and then they leave, as planned.

My DH was annoyed that I had waited until we were alone to protest and get upset, but when someone literally says "We're staying until next Wednesday, that OK?" to your face, do you genuinely just say "Sorry no."?

My reaction would have been to laugh at them and say "are you joking? Please tell me me that's a joke" and when it became clear that it was not a joke "I'm afraid that's not going to work for us. It lovely to see you but we'll have to say goodbye tomorrow"

Given that you're now in the situation you're in and your DH seems to think his parents feelings are more important than everything else, you need to deal with them:

"Sue, Brian, it's been lovely to see you but I need to ask you to leave now. This having a baby malarkey isn't a walk in the park and I need to recover in the privacy of my own home and my own little family unit. DH will phone you tonight when you're back home to arrange seeing you once I'm feeling ready"

If your DH has allowed them to stay til the weekend, he should be handing them a cooking and cleaning list! “Great! You can start with the bathrooms, then go shopping and buy batch booking ingredients, cook 4-6 weeks worth of balanced meals and then stay in the guest room the rest of the time 👍👍👍”

what a stressful situation they’ve put you in. 💐

In your situation I would have expected my other half to manage his own parents and to have enough common sense to INVITE his parents on a date he had agreed with you in advance, not just wait for his parents to decide what they wanted to do and for how long for. Being direct instead of reactive would have saved you all a lot of pain.

Even if he failed to plan ahead and manage everyone's expectations in advance, when his parents then showed up and announced they planned to stay a week, I would have expected him to immediately respond with, "What? Sorry mum/dad, but we agreed 1 night, which is all we can manage at this stage."

Now that I am older and couldn't care less what selfish people think of me, I would be blunt myself and ask them to leave after 1 night.

This isn’t the time for politeness.
If your DH won’t tell them 1 night, do it yourself. At this point, I wouldn’t even let them stay tonight!
They’re taking the piss!

Any chance that your DH misunderstood "arriving Tuesday and staying till Wednesday"? Did they definitely only mean one night not eight? What is reasonable might depend how far they have come. Although, if they have meekly agreed to leave at the weekend it does seem they have just (rudely) changed the arrangement.

Are you sure your husband didn't know and just didn't want to tell you?

No matter, I'd be telling them to leave myself because not putting up with this sort of shit anymore.

I'm so angry for you OP. It always amazes me how people can be so full of entitlement and so lacking in awareness and compassion after the birth of a baby, especially a difficult and traumatic one. Paternity leave is to bond as a family and for dad to support you. How incredibly selfish to use up that little time you have together and for you to feel forced out of your own living room and for your husband not to recognise that's a problem.

Your DH needs to go and tell them that they are only welcome for one night and that he has booked them into a local hotel/premier inn for the remainder of their visit.

@LeBonBon

You're a saint - I'd have made them leave at the originally planned time. Your DH needs to grow some balls & have your back. I can't believe he came to find you to figure out why you were quiet & shut away - is he a f*ing idiot??

IF they are helpful PiLs (entertaining toddler, cooking and cleaning for you whilst you bond with baby and recover, hold baby whilst you shower etc) then they move out to a hotel and pop round to do chores for you a couple of hours a day. If they're bloody useless and just want to hold the EBF baby, and expect to be fed and watered etc., I'd get DH to tell them to go home and come when they're next invited!

I had the latter PiLs who were a pain in the derriere. MIL moaned that her own MIL never helped her when she had her 3DC but never thought that she ought to understand that I could do with a bit of support.

You have a DH problem.

When his parents announced that they were staying until next Wednesday, he should have said, "No you're not, you're staying until tomorrow like we agreed. @LeBonBon is still recovering from giving birth and she needs peace and quiet."

I'm not sure why either of you left it up to the inlaws to announce when they would be coming, it left things quite ambiguous, as if it was their choice. In future both of you need to be much more specific. "Hi inlaws, we know you'll be keen to visit the new baby. We love it if you could come on x date, you're welcome to stay over that night to make travelling easier / or LeBobon and baby adjusting and recovering so if could stay you in a hotel for this visit, thanks for understanding"

Serious question: could they not take the strain for you? Cook meals? Entertain toddler, put washing on? Obviously it depends on what they are like but they could cover the domestic load, maybe?