To ask PIL to leave early?

[LeBonBon]

I've posted about my bonkers MIL before but this has really taken the biscuit.

Got out of hospital on Thursday after a difficult labour and c-section where I hemorrhaged. Recovery has been tricky too with a toddler and zero sleep.

I knew PIL planned to visit at some point close to the birth. I asked my DH every day what their plans were. He didn't know as could never get a firm answer despite neither of them working.

At the weekend he confirmed they were arriving Tuesday (yesterday) and would stay one night. Fine. Not ideal as I'm deep in the breastfeeding/cluster feeding trenches and the evenings have been rough. But I could deal with one night.

They turn up Tuesday evening with big suitcases and bags full of shopping, and announce to the room that they are staying until the following Wednesday, so over a week and until my DH is due back at work.

No asking, no checking if it's OK prior to coming.

Is this not absolutely insane?

Why would they think this is OK?

I have had words with DH and he has politely asked them to leave at the weekend (still at least 3 days too long).

I know I'm NBU to expect at least a prior heads up or the courtesy of asking if this would be OK, but I'd like to ask how mumsnetters would actually deal with this nonsense in the moment to help me next time.

I really wanted to say, "No way - I'm recovering from major surgery, still bleeding, on loads of meds from the blood loss and preventing clots, getting to grips with breastfeeding, I've got the postpartum sweats constantly and I want to bond with my baby, support my toddler in the transition and just f-ing rest without an audience."

Instead I stayed quiet and got more upset as the evening went on and I fed my baby upstairs as the ILs took over my sofa.

I finally exploded at my DH when he came to check why I was so quiet and away.

My DH was annoyed that I had waited until we were alone to protest and get upset, but when someone literally says "We're staying until next Wednesday, that OK?" to your face, do you genuinely just say "Sorry no."?

Any help would be appreciated!

Why is that shocking? They must have been excited to meet thier grandchild.

I Don’t understand why anyone would think it is okay to stay at someone’s house straight after they have had a baby, unless they were explicitly invited.
OP you need to be free to rest, recover and bond with your baby privately in your own home however the hell you want. You shouldn’t have to put up with the audience and extra chores associated with guests and have to be on your best behaviour and make small talk when you’re exhausted. DH needs to tell them to leave.

I just don’t get some in-laws. They must be pretty thick to think this is ok.
When dd had dgc we booked an air bnb nearby and told dd to text us what time she wanted us to visit and if she didn’t want us on a day we’d go out elsewhere.

I would go downstairs and tell them they have to go home tomorrow, you’ve had major surgery, bleeding like a pig, you’re cluster feeding baby, toddler needs lots of time to get used to new addition and the last thing you need are uninvited house guests.
If your DH won’t do it then you have to put your boundaries down. If they don’t like it then tough titty!

Nah, I don’t even think people like this are thick, they’re just self centred and don’t give a shit. They want to see a baby, so fuck everyone else.

OP, have you bludgeoned them? Have they left?!

Because people with manners wait for an invitation before imposing themselves on a newly post-partum mum.

They certainly don't invite themselves, say they are staying for one night and then announce that they are staying for another week without even checking whether that's OK.

Oh fucking hell I am absolutely raging on your behalf, the absolute cheek! I cannot imagine what planet they are on, and your husband has seriously let you down by not immediately vetoing such absolute nonsense and worse, being an arse to you about your (completely valid) feelings.

I'd be hiding in my room (not that you should have to!) and telling my husband he has to get them to leave as agreed or else you'll never forgive him.

I'd be in a fury if someone descended upon me for a week, unannounced, when I was perfectly healthy, never mind if I was going through what you're enduring. Your DH needs to step up and tell his parents that you're really not at all well and not up to houseguests - and I'd take to my bed until they were gone.

From what you've written about your DH being vague about them staying and not being able to get a straight answer out of them, my gut feeling is he knew their plans didn't involve a simple one night stay and he either stuck his head in the sand about confronting them, or thought you wouldn't be able to say no if they just turned up!
Either way, them turning up and thinking it's ok to stay for a week is totally unacceptable. You need time to recover, physically and mentally, and to bond as a family.
I honestly don't know how people can think that visiting immediately after birth and staying is even vaguely acceptable (unless specifically invited & wanted, of course)
Honestly, if I was in your position and my DH didn't step up and insist on the agreed 1 night then I think I would probably feel resentment forevermore (but I hold grudges, that's just me).
If they want to stay longer, they book into a local hotel and only visit over the next few days when invited, and for brief periods of time.

I'd be furious as well. Can you show your husband this thread so he gets some perspective? Does he have no empathy at all at what you've been through, giving birth?

If someone has the brass neck to ask me a question like that they will get a truthful answer. That is a large part why I don't get CFery to deal with very often.

They are both CF. Your dh can book them into a hotel right now. They are paying. They can go to the hotel right now. They can come to your place for a few hours on Thursday and Friday and that’s it. Next time they agree it in advance and stick to what’s agreed.

Just to add something different ....

Is there any possibility at all that they've come with the intention of helping?
Could they be of any use in looking after the toddler?

Any chance your DH is so incapable of doing anything for himself he encouraged MIL so she can run around after him as you won't be doing your normal cleaning/housework/cooking/looking after todler etc?

I would stay in my bedroom with baby until they leave. If you need food/snacks, order a takeaway. DH can sleep on the sofa.

First, many congrats on the new arrival.

I'd like to ask how mumsnetters would actually deal with this nonsense in the moment to help me next time

It’s not for you to deal with. It’s for your DH. They’re his family.

I had an emergency c-section with my first and he was immediately whisked off to neo-natal ICU for a few hours and spent next few days on prophylactic IV antibiotics.

Home after 3 days. One bedroom flat. Out-laws told DP they’d be coming down (hundreds of miles) to stay for one night the first weekend we were home. DP said: “Oh no you’re not”, MIL said: “You can’t stop us”. To which DP replied: “I won’t let you in”. I loved him for that.

I had post-traumatic stress (16hr labour and in second stage of home birth, then blue lighted into hospital as baby’s heart rate dipping, then failed ventouse and problems with epidural, then after c-section thought baby hadn’t made it, as no one could tell me if he was OK while I was being stitched/in recovery). Then usual issues with establishing bf, flat a mess, laundry coming out of our ears etc etc. The last thing I wanted was hosting anyone. I just wanted to be with DP and baby. I didn’t want MIL or even my own DM fussing around my home.

I really wanted to say, "No way - I'm recovering from major surgery, still bleeding, on loads of meds from the blood loss and preventing clots, getting to grips with breastfeeding, I've got the postpartum sweats constantly and I want to bond with my baby, support my toddler in the transition and just f-ing rest without an audience."

That’s what your DP should have said.

IMHO, no one should assume they can stay for even one night with a family who’ve just had a baby. Book a budget hotel nearby and pop in for an hour or two here and there. Unless, of course, the baby’s parents ask you to stay to help out. I’ve made a Note to Self about that for when/if I become a grandmother.

That is my thought too. I suspect that is exactly what happened and he thought they would leave tomorrow - not NEXT Wednesday. It's still up to him to sort it all out though

Did dh even misunderstand or know full well??

It wouldn’t have got as far as them even coming, at that point in my recovery. I would have absolutely refused to have anyone other than DH in my home, until I was ready.

I've just found and read OP's earlier thread. There seems to be no chance that her MIL will be helpful. She came to stay when OP was heavily pregnant and did nothing to help. She told OP that it was like being on holiday.

It’s not ok. You need to stand up for yourself. DH is being a wet blanket. Plans were made. You can’t be expected to enjoy this surprise.

”I’m sorry PIL, this is extremely awkward but I’m not comfortable with a long stay this soon after the birth. I should have said earlier but you took me by surprise. One extra night will be ok but then we really do need and want our space whilst DH isnt at work. I hope you can understand.”

After that, refuse to discuss it further. Don’t let any guilt get to you. It’s not your fault to manage their feelings when their imposition is rejected!! “I’m sorry you feel that way” etc etc

By the way OP, I don't believe for one second your DH didn't know this was their plan all along.

I'd be delighted and dump the toddler on them, stay in my room with the newborn and chill - would say 'how kind, please look after little A, am post-surgery, not in a conditions to do anything. I would like a cup of/glass of/etc. brought every (name period of time). For lunch I would like ...., for dinner .... They came to help, did they not?

Omg this is actually my worst nightmare. Poor you

This is bullshit.
But I would not have been so mealymouthed from the start. When they intimated they were coming for a visit, I would have said (or rather, expected husband to be man enough to say) "Just to be clear, OP is post-op. If you want to meet the baby, you may come on Saturday at 11am to 1pm, but you'll need to stay in the Premier Inn. We cannot accommodate guests post-op."

You need to take charge and make expecations crystal clear. If I'd been sitting there when they announced eight nights, I would have said "Surely you are joking. That is simply not possible. You'll need to find a hotel right away."

Your DH needs to man the fuck up and advocate for you and your family. I’d be furious in your position. I’m also of the opinion that your DH either knew their intention or purposefully “misunderstood” the Tuesday to Wednesday thing.
Do not under any circumstances lift a finger if they end up staying. Let your spineless DH run around after everyone including you and the kids. This situation is of his own making.