To ask PIL to leave early?

[LeBonBon]

I've posted about my bonkers MIL before but this has really taken the biscuit.

Got out of hospital on Thursday after a difficult labour and c-section where I hemorrhaged. Recovery has been tricky too with a toddler and zero sleep.

I knew PIL planned to visit at some point close to the birth. I asked my DH every day what their plans were. He didn't know as could never get a firm answer despite neither of them working.

At the weekend he confirmed they were arriving Tuesday (yesterday) and would stay one night. Fine. Not ideal as I'm deep in the breastfeeding/cluster feeding trenches and the evenings have been rough. But I could deal with one night.

They turn up Tuesday evening with big suitcases and bags full of shopping, and announce to the room that they are staying until the following Wednesday, so over a week and until my DH is due back at work.

No asking, no checking if it's OK prior to coming.

Is this not absolutely insane?

Why would they think this is OK?

I have had words with DH and he has politely asked them to leave at the weekend (still at least 3 days too long).

I know I'm NBU to expect at least a prior heads up or the courtesy of asking if this would be OK, but I'd like to ask how mumsnetters would actually deal with this nonsense in the moment to help me next time.

I really wanted to say, "No way - I'm recovering from major surgery, still bleeding, on loads of meds from the blood loss and preventing clots, getting to grips with breastfeeding, I've got the postpartum sweats constantly and I want to bond with my baby, support my toddler in the transition and just f-ing rest without an audience."

Instead I stayed quiet and got more upset as the evening went on and I fed my baby upstairs as the ILs took over my sofa.

I finally exploded at my DH when he came to check why I was so quiet and away.

My DH was annoyed that I had waited until we were alone to protest and get upset, but when someone literally says "We're staying until next Wednesday, that OK?" to your face, do you genuinely just say "Sorry no."?

Any help would be appreciated!

Have you/your DH told them to jog on yet?
They're unreasonable, obviously. But this is your house and your precious time as a new family of four. Stand up for yourself. Nobody else seems to be caring about your feelings, why are you concerned about theirs? Are they more important than you? What's stopping you from telling them to leave?

DH was annoyed… Honestly, men would literally keel over & die, if they had to go through even one of these woman situations…

The point is the OP doesn’t want anyone in her house, doing stuff for her. She is tired and sore, her husband is off work, if she needs stuff doing he can do it. They need to find alternative accommodation tomorrow, or go home.

Why are you permitting your husband to allow his parents to piss all over these precious few days?!

If he won't tell them to fuck off tomorrow, you will have to. No compromises.

This is their passive aggressive way of hijacking your DH’s paternity leave and making it all about them. They don’t want to help and want to go on days out with him. They know as you’ve just recently gave birth than you’re feeling vulnerable and they are taking advantage of it.
They don’t care about you or DH’s feelings so I would tell them straight without worrying about theirs, that them staying at yours isn’t convenient at this time. You’ve just had surgery, had a baby and you need to heal. I would even help them pack and hold the door open for them to leave as I’m very considerate like that.

Not all men.

But some seem to have no apparent empathy or understanding of what it’s like to recover from pregnancy and birth. Or a major operation. Or health complications. Or establish bf.

Your DH can’t or won’t stand up to them so you have to, if you don't, the resentment will fester. If you tell them to leave or not, you and DH will have an argument anyway so you might as well get them to leave and feel comfortable in your own home.

I’ll bloody phone them to tell them to piss off if he doesn’t!

Remember op, it's not just about what you need, it's about what dd needs.

Dd needs more undivided time with her parents, and she needs that batch cooked food you made, and she needs your in laws to bugger off.

Me too!

I agree, DD needs this week for her needs to be met and your baby needs to feel as comfortable and stress free as possible, you need to rest and heal and DH paternity week if for bonding and supporting you all. Not pandering to his parents

by day 2 they've resorted to eating my postpartum freezer meals

Good grief. CFs! What’s your DH playing at?

You need rest and calm to recover and establish bf. You shouldn’t be feeling stressed by their presence of having to ask them to leave. Your DH needs to explain to them that he appreciates seeing them but it’s too soon for them to be staying. They’ve seen the baby. You don’t need or want their help. They’re not helping anyway.

If he won’t tell them, remain in your bedroom until they leave. And try to let it all wash over you.

The lasagne is actually the most infuriating part. The sheer effrontery of it.

Request an emergency HV visit and ask her to make some very pointed comments to your PIL about how you shouldn't be hosting guests.

Next time they come, you go "scorched earth". Nothing but the most basic of food in the house, no booze, biscuits, soda, skimmed milk. If your spare room has a double bed, swap it for a single.

This is just shocking. I agree with the PP who says you should make your husband read this thread.

Your in the immediate post-partum stage OP. It's literally what you say goes. You can also get away with throwing a complete wobbly. Tell your DH now that they are to be gone by midday tomorrow. If he doesn't achieve it, you will. His options are to do it himself and retain your respect or leave it to you. You should be having calm, bonding time as a family of four and keeping things as normal as they possibly can be for your toddler. You and your children deserve that. Your DH needs to man up about ten levels.

OP can you not get in touch with your your family and ask for refuge for you and the bairns. Leave husband with his parents and force the issue? You need as little stress as possible.

I was always careful about not making my in-laws feel second best-they are just as much the grandparents, and I wanted to get a welcome box with daft things like a mug printed with "New Grandparent of Lila" and their favourite biscuits to make it clear they are welcome and valued-but that depends on how they act. If they HELP, I would welcome that. If they don't want to/aren't able to help, then they come for short periods, agree in advance about timings, and fit around you. If I ever become a gran in future decades, I will ask my child AND their partner what they want from me, and try and organise time off to fit in with what they want, as much as I can. If that's staying over, great. If not, also fine, but I would ask and arrange it in advance, understanding that their plans might change depending on the labour/how they feel etc. I would certainly not want to be a burden. You and your partner are going through a lot-just because it's a happy time doesn't mean it's not mentally difficult, and physically very challenging for you.

This is really good! Firm but polite. I would wait until I was absolutely furious and blow up at everyone, effective but not the smartest move

Sounds like the dh is trying to dodge his family responsibilities as his parents leave when he goes back to work. Disgraceful. Can your family arrive to collect you and kids to go and stay two weeks with them whilst you recovery from major surgery.

You’re not asking rhem to leave early, you’re asking them to leave as planned.

PIL once came for a week (literal hell) and at the end my FIL announces he wants to stay another week to extend his ‘holiday’ I had to make DH ask them to go. Apart from the fact it had been a dreadful week (FIL just expected to be waited on hand and foot), we had people arriving from abroad the next day on a 2 year planned visit. They were furious about it for years.

You need to rephrase what you want - this isn’t about MIL - so DH isn’t in the middle - you don’t need anyone to be there under your feet making life difficult.

Im upset about
I feel XYZ
I need ABC

Keep his mum out of it and he’ll be much better at standing up to them.

Has your dh told them they need to go tomorrow? If he's struggling to do so maybe he can say it in the morning - tell them you've had a tough night and can't host any longer, but it will be lovely to visit them soon when you are all up to it

You already have a toddler so you know what they are like. So you know for the next baby to lie about the due date by 3 weeks. Your husband seems ineffectual so just lie to him about it as well. They are bad at knowing this stuff. Why you didn't do that for baby number 2, I don't know. By the way do men still only take 2 weeks off? That sounds crazy and really hard. Did he not have any annual leave to add?

There are so many threads on here about mental in laws. I just don’t get why people can’t say no. OK it’s awkward but so is living with selfish, annoying arseholes for a week when you’re fresh out of hospital and juggling a toddler and newborn!
Best case scenario - they understand and leave.
Worst case scenario - they get pissed off and leave.
Either way they leave, which is what you want. And if they are annoyed hopefully it’ll be a while before they come back!

Relationships with in laws and family in general can be tricky but you have to be assertive otherwise they are going to continue believing they can do what they want and you’ll just allow it.

If your dh is upset that you’ve offended his parents it’s tough, they should all realise how bloody inconsiderate it is to do this to you at this time. They will need you long before you need them so if Dh won’t tell them to sling their hook then you need to do it op. I’m raging on your behalf.

Don't ask them to leave early. You tell them. So rude of them.

Another mumsnetter had this. She packed a bag and went to her mums. Her DH caved very quickly and the in-laws were gone.