To ask PIL to leave early?

[LeBonBon]

I've posted about my bonkers MIL before but this has really taken the biscuit.

Got out of hospital on Thursday after a difficult labour and c-section where I hemorrhaged. Recovery has been tricky too with a toddler and zero sleep.

I knew PIL planned to visit at some point close to the birth. I asked my DH every day what their plans were. He didn't know as could never get a firm answer despite neither of them working.

At the weekend he confirmed they were arriving Tuesday (yesterday) and would stay one night. Fine. Not ideal as I'm deep in the breastfeeding/cluster feeding trenches and the evenings have been rough. But I could deal with one night.

They turn up Tuesday evening with big suitcases and bags full of shopping, and announce to the room that they are staying until the following Wednesday, so over a week and until my DH is due back at work.

No asking, no checking if it's OK prior to coming.

Is this not absolutely insane?

Why would they think this is OK?

I have had words with DH and he has politely asked them to leave at the weekend (still at least 3 days too long).

I know I'm NBU to expect at least a prior heads up or the courtesy of asking if this would be OK, but I'd like to ask how mumsnetters would actually deal with this nonsense in the moment to help me next time.

I really wanted to say, "No way - I'm recovering from major surgery, still bleeding, on loads of meds from the blood loss and preventing clots, getting to grips with breastfeeding, I've got the postpartum sweats constantly and I want to bond with my baby, support my toddler in the transition and just f-ing rest without an audience."

Instead I stayed quiet and got more upset as the evening went on and I fed my baby upstairs as the ILs took over my sofa.

I finally exploded at my DH when he came to check why I was so quiet and away.

My DH was annoyed that I had waited until we were alone to protest and get upset, but when someone literally says "We're staying until next Wednesday, that OK?" to your face, do you genuinely just say "Sorry no."?

Any help would be appreciated!

"No way - I'm recovering from major surgery, still bleeding, on loads of meds from the blood loss and preventing clots, getting to grips with breastfeeding, I've got the postpartum sweats constantly and I want to bond with my baby, support my toddler in the transition and just f-ing rest without an audience."

If your DH express those sentiments to your parents and tell them that the invite was for one night, and he's happy to help them find a hotel for the rest, then you have a DH problem and I'd remind him of that @LeBonBon

I bet they communicated via text and when they said arriving Tuesday, leaving Wednesday, no one clarified they meant Wednesday next week.

I reckon this is probably what has happened to be honest. But still, definitely not unreasonable to not be happy with this and they need to leave if not tonight then tomorrow

That is horrendous
You have a DP problem
He has to put you first for your relationship to work

I wouldn’t ask them to leave but I’d be asking them to cook, do the laundry, take your eldest to the park, get the shopping, hoover etc etc etc. I wouldn’t ask them to do it as a punishment though. I’d ask them to do it and say it was so nice of you to come down and help and I was wondering if you could make dinner blah blah blah.

"We're staying until next Wednesday, that OK?" to your face, do you genuinely just say "Sorry no."?

Yes if you don’t want them to stay. I would just tell them tonight that it’s nice of them to want to stay but your exhausted and just want to rest (basically what you said in one of your paragraphs), and ask them to go home as originally planned, if they can’t understand that then they are being selfish. Are they helping in anyway?

I would be so rude & blunt that husband would never risk letting me deal with them again.

They need to go. Now.
Your husband needs to put you first. Even vaguely understanding what you've been through would be a bare minimum
You have a much more fundamental problem in your relationship.
Congratulations on your lovely new one. Take care .. and of your toddler.
Mostly take care of you.

“when someone literally says "We're staying until next Wednesday, that OK?" to your face, do you genuinely just say "Sorry no."?”

I think I might have burst into tears at that point! Is your MIl really so thick-skinned and insensitive that she thinks you would welcome a visit if over a week just after having a baby? Or does she delude herself that she is there to help you? Either way, OP, I feel your pain. I think in future you will have to be much more forthright with your DH so that there is no possible room for misunderstanding about when they come and when they will be leaving. And your DH is v unreasonable to be annoyed with you for waiting u til you were alone - would he really have expected you to have exploded in front of PIL?

Fucking Hell How insensitive are they?!
Never mind what’s comfortable for you after a horrible birth.
You must feel really unwell on top of exhausted.
i understand why you couldn’t speak up at the time
Your DH sounds clueless.
I hope he is doing everything he can

I think the only cure for this kind of bull headed relative is prevention.

They needed much clearer boundaries from before, that’s evident.

My PIL turned up when ds was born in the hospital - no warning. Shocking.

But I couldn’t have people in the house in your situation. However much they help it’s too intrusive

This is horrific. My blood pressure shot up just reading your OP. And you DH somehow thinks you're in the wrong? Just no. They need to leave tomorrow.

Put yourself and your babies first, OP.

Do you have any family or friends who could advocate for you - 'pop round' and say 'Oh don't be silly, PILs, of course you can't stay all that time - leBonBon has just had surgery and a newborn. I'm sure you will be welcome back in a few months (tinkly laugh)'

YANBU.

On the other hand your DH is BU not to ask them to leave NOW.

I say this as someone who is baffled by posters who demand zero visits at all for 2 weeks (or more) as I think (short) visits are good to encourage wider family bonding and celebration of the new arrival.

But a week long visit (unannounced) after a difficult birth is beyond ridiculous.

It doesn’t even matter if they are super helpful around the house or childcare for other children. It prevents you from just doing what you need in your own space from where you sit/what your wear/how and where you feed/snooze etc.

Holding it together for a few hours for a visit is one thing and having people for a full day (never mind a full week) is quite another.

I feel so lucky my DP’s and PIL’s knew the assignment (short weekly visits, bring homemade meals for the freezer/oven, don’t expect to be waited on, quick cuddles with the LO, ask if they can help re:laundry/cleaning and not diving in, then buggering off - repeat for the first 2 months).

Ah, this sounds like dh’s family. They come for Christmas and stay a week. I never know when they are arriving really because Dh is afraid to ask and he never really confirms an end date. And then they announce the night before they are meant to go, ah, it’s been lovely, I think we’ll stay a couple more days. 😳

These aren’t elderly parents. They’re BIL and SIL. They are younger than me. They can perfectly well drive and look after themselves. They eat and drink a small fortune and arrive empty handed. Even worse, they ship all their Christmas presents to us not only for each other, which they then need to wrap with our wrapping paper, etc, but all their family and friends also ship presents here for them, so it’s like 2 weeks of receiving parcels from some random cousin of SIL. 😩 It isn’t even like they fly in from abroad. They drive in a massive van from a few hours away. They could ship all their presents to their own house and drive them over in their huge van. But it’s just easier to shift the admin of receiving 30 parcels onto us in the run up to Christmas. But I digress…I finally got cancer and said no more and I may never start up hosting again. The last Christmas before that just about broke me.

You like me have an actual physiological reason why this is no good for you. And you don’t get this time back. I wonder if your Dh is like mine and makes plans for a long visit but then plays dumb because he is conflict avoidant. Dh needs to say, we can’t do visitors right now, you need to head on home. He can blame the doctor and infection control if he needs to. Or weight gain issues for baby. Claw back your sanctuary.

I’d be fuming

@LeBonBon yet another wimp of a husband who cannot say no to mummy dearest!!

My in laws did the same to me when my baby came prematurely and I wish I had said NO. The pretense was to help but I ended up cleaning, doing all night feeds etc and I just wanted them to fuck off honestly. It’s a huge reason I got postpartum anxiety, felt so resentful and won’t be having more children (this was my second baby and for my first they were a 24hr flight away). I still hate my in laws coming as they take over my entire bloody house!! It drives me batshit.

I have a 3 week old baby and a 3 year old. Reading your OP made me feel physically anxious. Send them packing!!!

Just give them things to do. ‘How handy you are staying for the week. If you wouldn’t mind doing the laundry and cooking for us and FIL perhaps you could do a few gardening/DIY jobs for us that would be so helpful’.

So you are just out of hospital after a caesarian section and a haemorrhage, with a toddler and cluster feeding a new born baby and your husband is chastising you for not telling your in-laws to their faces to fuck off home?

If you had done that, he would probably be furious with you. He must know your feelings about them and have realised that you would be dismayed at their announcement but he said nothing. They sound unbearable and I would stay upstairs with the baby and refuse to come down while they are still there.

Oh shit!! Is this a possibility OP?

Are there flights involved? If yes, they get the earliest flight. If no, they leave now, the days are long, they'll be fine. If they absolutely cannot possibly drive at this hour. They leave first thing in the morning, either home, or to a hotel. Don't ask, tell.

Your DH's job right now is to protect you and your baby. His parents need to fuck off, and he needs to tell them straight!

My parents tried to visit when my eldest was a couple of days old, and my dad had a cold. DH sent them away. It felt awful at the time, and there were tears, but no long term harm was done.

I think "asking" when they were coming is kind of opening up all the decisions to them.

When I had my first DC I said no home visits for the first few weeks. Both my parents and the IL's visited in hospital briefly and then were kept at bay until we could handle visitors.

You can ask them to leave. Just be honest that you're overwhelmed and need some peace and quiet.