To ask PIL to leave early?

[LeBonBon]

I've posted about my bonkers MIL before but this has really taken the biscuit.

Got out of hospital on Thursday after a difficult labour and c-section where I hemorrhaged. Recovery has been tricky too with a toddler and zero sleep.

I knew PIL planned to visit at some point close to the birth. I asked my DH every day what their plans were. He didn't know as could never get a firm answer despite neither of them working.

At the weekend he confirmed they were arriving Tuesday (yesterday) and would stay one night. Fine. Not ideal as I'm deep in the breastfeeding/cluster feeding trenches and the evenings have been rough. But I could deal with one night.

They turn up Tuesday evening with big suitcases and bags full of shopping, and announce to the room that they are staying until the following Wednesday, so over a week and until my DH is due back at work.

No asking, no checking if it's OK prior to coming.

Is this not absolutely insane?

Why would they think this is OK?

I have had words with DH and he has politely asked them to leave at the weekend (still at least 3 days too long).

I know I'm NBU to expect at least a prior heads up or the courtesy of asking if this would be OK, but I'd like to ask how mumsnetters would actually deal with this nonsense in the moment to help me next time.

I really wanted to say, "No way - I'm recovering from major surgery, still bleeding, on loads of meds from the blood loss and preventing clots, getting to grips with breastfeeding, I've got the postpartum sweats constantly and I want to bond with my baby, support my toddler in the transition and just f-ing rest without an audience."

Instead I stayed quiet and got more upset as the evening went on and I fed my baby upstairs as the ILs took over my sofa.

I finally exploded at my DH when he came to check why I was so quiet and away.

My DH was annoyed that I had waited until we were alone to protest and get upset, but when someone literally says "We're staying until next Wednesday, that OK?" to your face, do you genuinely just say "Sorry no."?

Any help would be appreciated!

Who told them that they could raid your batch cooking from your freezer? Either they had a look in your freezer and figured out what was what, and how long it needed cooking for (unlikely) and DH didn’t stop them, or DH took your prepped food out and cooked it for his guests. Neither is great, TBH.

OP why aren't you asking them to leave?

I would ask them to leave today and to replace your batch meals in the freezer before you go. It's perfectly reasonable to let rip in your situation. Tell them you need comfort and privacy in your own home to recover from your ordeal. If you cannot do this, are you due a midwife visit at all? They can be pretty forthright in advocating for the needs of mum and baby when others won't. You have a H problem, in any case.

That's great that worked for her, but op has just had a c section, it's not realistic packing a suitcase for a baby and a toddler and then driving both kids elsewhere and then coping with looking after them both without dh. Only 1 week postpartum. She's not even meant to drive let alone lift her toddler into the car etc.

Leaving the older child behind is a terrible option not worth considering.

They need to go TODAY. It’s too much, you’re recovering from surgery, they’re not helping and now eating all your prepped meals.

you need to tell DH that he tells them over breakfast or you will advocate for yourself. It’s his choice.
you would never do this to him with your family if he’d just had major or actually any surgery.

I’m so angry on your behalf that they’re eating the food you made to make your life easier after giving birth. What absolute cheeky fuckers. So they’re not just not helping, they’re actually a burden. They have got to go. DH needs to man up and tell them.

This is really out of order. I had major abdominal surgery earlier this year and I too prepped a bunch of food for the freezer for my teens to heat up for our dinners. I would have been LIVID if my ILs had rocked up, wanted to stay, and helped themselves to/been given by my DH my freezer meals WHILST I WAS RECOVERING FROM MAJOR SURGERY and my DH just sat back and passively let it happen. No. Just no.

If you have read all OP's posts, it is very clear than her PIL's hearts are definitely not in the right place. They do absolutely nothing to help, OP's DH is going on day trips with them rather than helping his newly post-partum wife with their children and they are raiding the freezer for the batch cooked meals that OP made to last through her DH's paternity leave.

OP feels tearful right now due to their utter selfishness and lack of care for a woman recovering from a c-section while single handedly looking after a toddler and a new born. OP shouldn't be required to accepted this dreaful treatment because some people have lost their own (kind) MILs.

You’ve got a husband problem, people can try to take the piss all they want but your H should be putting your health and children’s needs first.
He’s a weak man, too scared of displeasing his parents rather than having your back.
He knows your in pain, he knows it’s hard with a newborn, he knows DD needs extra love and attention but he’s happy to go along with his parent’s plans this week, and annoyed that you expect him to care enough to ask them to leave.
He’s as much use as a chocolate fire guard, I’d be ringing parents or close friends to ask them if children and I can go there for the week. I’d leave him to enjoy his weeks’s holiday with mammy and daddy.

Just tell them today “it’s to much, I’m sorry but you need to leave. We’ll make arrangements when the baby is a bit bigger to see you then.” And just go out.

I hope you're OK op, I was thinking of you when I was feeding my (now huge 1yo) ds earlier.

Hope that dh has sent his parents packing and is making lasagne right now xx

They're leaving tomorrow.

They have stayed out of the way again today - neither got out of bed before 11am. They even ignored toddler DD who went in to say good morning before nursery (they were fully aware she had come in but chose not to wake up, or pretend as if they hadn't).

They then went out this afternoon so I haven't really seen them at all.

Had another heart to heart with DH about their behaviour and essentially he's really embarrassed. He knows everytime they come to visit something happens to annoy/upset/confuse me and he doesn't know why they keep doing it. He keeps defending them and whilst he agrees with me on everything, he seems unwilling to call them out this time (he has in the past, to be fair). There was one occasion when they came to visit DD as a baby but spent the whole weekend out shopping and didn't bother with her. It hurt him too so he did speak to his mum.

But nothing ever changes.

We've sorted dinner again tonight and I'm just counting down the hours. I'm just thankful they live far away and don't bother with us 99% of the time, until they want a nice little holiday.

I'd send your toddler into their room with a recorder tomorrow morning around 5am

You need to fill up your spare room. Never host them again. Ever.

Wow op. They sound awful.

Id get your husband to message them to brimg a dinner home for you all this evening

I asked my DH every day what their plans were. He didn't know as could never get a firm answer despite neither of them working.

This is your problem. Asking them what their plans are rather than giving them a specific invite. “Mum and Dad if you would like to visit the baby please come Wednesday and Thursday. Not longer this time as LeBonBon is exhausted and we’re not sure how things will settle down”

Take control, tell them what is happening.

But, no, YANBU…. Tick tock till they leave.

Your H is making excuses for them because he doesn’t want to admit to himself how awful they are. He has been brought up by them and thinks it’s normal behaviour, he doesn’t want to see the truth nor put them in their place.
I hope once the baby gets older he has the spare room so they can’t stay over. Once you recover I would ring his mum up and tell her that it’s out of order, them coming to stay after your C-section. You needed time to heal, DD needed time to adapt and you all needed time to bond with baby. That coming over for a night and deciding to stay longer, eating you out of house and home was very selfish of them. That next time they visit, they need to book in to a hotel as you are fed up of them creating more work for you and they’ve pushed you too far!

Keep them at arms length after this. They sound v odd

Thank goodness they are going. I agree with the toddler and recorder idea and also repurposing your guest room so that they can never stay again.

This!! "Granny and Grampa I've been practising this for you!"

Seriously op I'm so sorry for you and disgusted at your husband. He ought to be more than embarrassed, he ought to be ashamed and contrite and explaining how he'll make this up to you and your daughter.

That lasagna has been annoying me all day.

Thank heavens they are leaving.

Not sure this situation is the same. They’re not helpful. They’re putting on their son and daughter in law who have a new born baby ffs! I just wouldn’t tolerate it.

I’m so glad they are going tomorrow but wish it could have been yesterday.

i hope this thread has reassured you that you’re not remotely unreasonable in your expectations.

Once you’re feeling stronger could you discuss their visits with DH so there is no repeat of this.

Me too! Hope you have them the minimum for their tea tonight OP. DH can do a weekend of batch cooking to build your stash back up.
really pleased to hear they are leaving OP. Get some rest tonight then reclaim your home tomorrow

Ah, great update @LeBonBon. so pleased you’re getting your time back. All you can do with people like this is lower your expectations. Hoping for more will always lead to disappointment for your DH. I’m sorry that the relationship here is so hard.