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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask PIL to leave early?

223 replies

LeBonBon · 21/05/2025 15:29

I've posted about my bonkers MIL before but this has really taken the biscuit.

Got out of hospital on Thursday after a difficult labour and c-section where I hemorrhaged. Recovery has been tricky too with a toddler and zero sleep.

I knew PIL planned to visit at some point close to the birth. I asked my DH every day what their plans were. He didn't know as could never get a firm answer despite neither of them working.

At the weekend he confirmed they were arriving Tuesday (yesterday) and would stay one night. Fine. Not ideal as I'm deep in the breastfeeding/cluster feeding trenches and the evenings have been rough. But I could deal with one night.

They turn up Tuesday evening with big suitcases and bags full of shopping, and announce to the room that they are staying until the following Wednesday, so over a week and until my DH is due back at work.

No asking, no checking if it's OK prior to coming.

Is this not absolutely insane?

Why would they think this is OK?

I have had words with DH and he has politely asked them to leave at the weekend (still at least 3 days too long).

I know I'm NBU to expect at least a prior heads up or the courtesy of asking if this would be OK, but I'd like to ask how mumsnetters would actually deal with this nonsense in the moment to help me next time.

I really wanted to say, "No way - I'm recovering from major surgery, still bleeding, on loads of meds from the blood loss and preventing clots, getting to grips with breastfeeding, I've got the postpartum sweats constantly and I want to bond with my baby, support my toddler in the transition and just f-ing rest without an audience."

Instead I stayed quiet and got more upset as the evening went on and I fed my baby upstairs as the ILs took over my sofa.

I finally exploded at my DH when he came to check why I was so quiet and away.

My DH was annoyed that I had waited until we were alone to protest and get upset, but when someone literally says "We're staying until next Wednesday, that OK?" to your face, do you genuinely just say "Sorry no."?

Any help would be appreciated!

OP posts:
MummyJ36 · 21/05/2025 19:53

Have they made any noises about actually being helpful? Perhaps cooking meals, cleaning and looking after your toddler whilst you rest ?? If not then it is majorly overstepping the mark and putting the onus on you and your DH to somehow look after them!

godmum56 · 21/05/2025 20:03

LeBonBon · 21/05/2025 15:29

I've posted about my bonkers MIL before but this has really taken the biscuit.

Got out of hospital on Thursday after a difficult labour and c-section where I hemorrhaged. Recovery has been tricky too with a toddler and zero sleep.

I knew PIL planned to visit at some point close to the birth. I asked my DH every day what their plans were. He didn't know as could never get a firm answer despite neither of them working.

At the weekend he confirmed they were arriving Tuesday (yesterday) and would stay one night. Fine. Not ideal as I'm deep in the breastfeeding/cluster feeding trenches and the evenings have been rough. But I could deal with one night.

They turn up Tuesday evening with big suitcases and bags full of shopping, and announce to the room that they are staying until the following Wednesday, so over a week and until my DH is due back at work.

No asking, no checking if it's OK prior to coming.

Is this not absolutely insane?

Why would they think this is OK?

I have had words with DH and he has politely asked them to leave at the weekend (still at least 3 days too long).

I know I'm NBU to expect at least a prior heads up or the courtesy of asking if this would be OK, but I'd like to ask how mumsnetters would actually deal with this nonsense in the moment to help me next time.

I really wanted to say, "No way - I'm recovering from major surgery, still bleeding, on loads of meds from the blood loss and preventing clots, getting to grips with breastfeeding, I've got the postpartum sweats constantly and I want to bond with my baby, support my toddler in the transition and just f-ing rest without an audience."

Instead I stayed quiet and got more upset as the evening went on and I fed my baby upstairs as the ILs took over my sofa.

I finally exploded at my DH when he came to check why I was so quiet and away.

My DH was annoyed that I had waited until we were alone to protest and get upset, but when someone literally says "We're staying until next Wednesday, that OK?" to your face, do you genuinely just say "Sorry no."?

Any help would be appreciated!

under normal not ill circs I would be doing my own "no way" stuff. In your circs I think I would have done what you did although I hope I would have felt able to say to the husband that I wanted a word upstair and told him in no uncertain terms to get rid of them....no just one night just to get rid RIGHT NOW. As for his deciding they could stay until the weekend......well words fail me.

MummaMummaMumma · 21/05/2025 20:11

I would have said, err no that won't be happening.

Because you froze when they shocked you by being absolutely arseholes and your darling husband didn't say a word, now you are in a position to.
Tell them exactly what you've said here. Don't ask, tell. Sorry, you need to leave you haven't even asked us!

MyPresumablyScrotum · 21/05/2025 20:12

And yet he lives?

You've just had major surgery, on top of everything else you don't need visitors.

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 20:17

I knew PIL planned to visit at some point close to the birth. I asked my DH every day what their plans were. He didn't know as could never get a firm answer despite neither of them working.

I will never understand that. Why "ask what their plans are" ? You, or better yet, your husband, TELL them what the plans are. You take control.

"Mom, Dad, thanks; we look forward to you meeting the baby. However, right after surgery just won't work for us. We'll let you know in a couple of weeks, and I'll get you the info for (nearby hotel) because we just won't be up to hosting with a new baby in the house. Thanks."

katepilar · 21/05/2025 20:19

I think if there was actually the "is that OK?" bit I would have been able to say "no" as I would have already been annoyed for some time by not giving you a plan or them wanting to come to stay around the time you were due to give birth.
If they just plain announced I would have a problem and probably wouldnt manage to say anything straight away and would have gone upstairs upset like you did.

Noshowlomo · 21/05/2025 20:19

This is horrendous, I’m sorry. What are they thinking!?! Hope your husband tells them to leave tomorrow

Original poster
LeBonBon · 21/05/2025 20:20

To answer some of your questions -

No, they are not helpful and have never been helpful. MIL washes up after herself but the washing up wouldn't be there if she wasn't,
so that doesn't count.

They have never looked after toddler DD by themselves without her already being fast asleep before we left. Any activities they do with her are supervised and organised by DH. Today she was at nursery and then they all went into town so that MIL could go shopping, leaving me alone with the baby. I didn't mind this except it would have been nice to have some time the four of us.

This evening I did my toddler DD's bath and bedtime alone and have just started the evening feeds with DS, so no help there either.

And they're now sat eating the lasagna I specifically made to last us a few days of paternity leave.

I don't know if DH misunderstood the dates, it's possible. He's a complete pushover when it comes to his mum and I'm not sure what I can do about it. If she was mum of the year I'd understand but he never gets so much as a birthday card or message from them and when we used to live around the corner from them we never saw them ever.

I definitely need to chat with him and make him aware that it's his responsibility to push back on any unreasonable requests in the moment when they come up (which is often) and not leave me to flounder.

OP posts:
katepilar · 21/05/2025 20:21

TheHerboriste · 21/05/2025 20:17

I knew PIL planned to visit at some point close to the birth. I asked my DH every day what their plans were. He didn't know as could never get a firm answer despite neither of them working.

I will never understand that. Why "ask what their plans are" ? You, or better yet, your husband, TELL them what the plans are. You take control.

"Mom, Dad, thanks; we look forward to you meeting the baby. However, right after surgery just won't work for us. We'll let you know in a couple of weeks, and I'll get you the info for (nearby hotel) because we just won't be up to hosting with a new baby in the house. Thanks."

This is a great approach. A lot of people need to learn that the hard way as we are not raised that way.

TooGoodToGoto · 21/05/2025 20:21

LeBonBon · 21/05/2025 20:20

To answer some of your questions -

No, they are not helpful and have never been helpful. MIL washes up after herself but the washing up wouldn't be there if she wasn't,
so that doesn't count.

They have never looked after toddler DD by themselves without her already being fast asleep before we left. Any activities they do with her are supervised and organised by DH. Today she was at nursery and then they all went into town so that MIL could go shopping, leaving me alone with the baby. I didn't mind this except it would have been nice to have some time the four of us.

This evening I did my toddler DD's bath and bedtime alone and have just started the evening feeds with DS, so no help there either.

And they're now sat eating the lasagna I specifically made to last us a few days of paternity leave.

I don't know if DH misunderstood the dates, it's possible. He's a complete pushover when it comes to his mum and I'm not sure what I can do about it. If she was mum of the year I'd understand but he never gets so much as a birthday card or message from them and when we used to live around the corner from them we never saw them ever.

I definitely need to chat with him and make him aware that it's his responsibility to push back on any unreasonable requests in the moment when they come up (which is often) and not leave me to flounder.

With that update, they need to get an Airbnb and ship out!

MummyJ36 · 21/05/2025 20:23

This evening I did my toddler DD's bath and bedtime alone and have just started the evening feeds with DS, so no help there either

Omg OP why are you being left to bathe your toddler?? There are three other adults in the house who could do this. Having had a c-section myself I cannot imagine trying to do this so soon afterward. I’m so angry on your behalf. Please speak to your DH if you can and lay down some expectations. You are not there to host his parents and look after the kids so that he can have a bloody shopping trip with his mum! If his parents are determined not to help the he needs to step up.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 21/05/2025 20:30

LeBonBon · 21/05/2025 20:20

To answer some of your questions -

No, they are not helpful and have never been helpful. MIL washes up after herself but the washing up wouldn't be there if she wasn't,
so that doesn't count.

They have never looked after toddler DD by themselves without her already being fast asleep before we left. Any activities they do with her are supervised and organised by DH. Today she was at nursery and then they all went into town so that MIL could go shopping, leaving me alone with the baby. I didn't mind this except it would have been nice to have some time the four of us.

This evening I did my toddler DD's bath and bedtime alone and have just started the evening feeds with DS, so no help there either.

And they're now sat eating the lasagna I specifically made to last us a few days of paternity leave.

I don't know if DH misunderstood the dates, it's possible. He's a complete pushover when it comes to his mum and I'm not sure what I can do about it. If she was mum of the year I'd understand but he never gets so much as a birthday card or message from them and when we used to live around the corner from them we never saw them ever.

I definitely need to chat with him and make him aware that it's his responsibility to push back on any unreasonable requests in the moment when they come up (which is often) and not leave me to flounder.

Oh OP.

You need to tell him to ask them to leave.

coxesorangepippin · 21/05/2025 20:33

Why on earth did they come on the FIRST DAY you're home from hospital???!

Reminds me of MIL who came just when DA was born and proceeded to make a banana bread ( using our ingredients) in our kitchen.

Maybe just bake one beforehand???

Maybethisallthereis · 21/05/2025 20:42

Wow! Just Wow!
I would have lost it and said to their faces no I’m sorry I cant deal with that right now and walked away leaving husband to sort it out.
They are clearly selfish inconsiderate arseholes.
WTF is wrong with your husband? They need to be told to leave!

RobinHeartella · 21/05/2025 20:45

To everyone saying "let them look after the toddler", it just doesn't work that way. DC1 has just had a brand new sibling and is no doubt worrying that he is no longer the centre of his parents' world. He will be needy and clingy and "Want Mummyyyyy". You can't fob him off on the grandparents, even if they are helpful ones which they aren't.

What op needs, what dc1 needs, is just to have private nuclear-family time so that dc2 gets the feeds he needs, dc1 gets the reassurance he needs, op gets the rest she needs.

[Or she as applicable, apologies if I missed whether the kids are boys or girls]

RobinHeartella · 21/05/2025 20:46

And they're now sat eating the lasagna I specifically made to last us a few days of paternity leave.

I hope your husband is ashamed.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/05/2025 20:48

LeBonBon · 21/05/2025 20:20

To answer some of your questions -

No, they are not helpful and have never been helpful. MIL washes up after herself but the washing up wouldn't be there if she wasn't,
so that doesn't count.

They have never looked after toddler DD by themselves without her already being fast asleep before we left. Any activities they do with her are supervised and organised by DH. Today she was at nursery and then they all went into town so that MIL could go shopping, leaving me alone with the baby. I didn't mind this except it would have been nice to have some time the four of us.

This evening I did my toddler DD's bath and bedtime alone and have just started the evening feeds with DS, so no help there either.

And they're now sat eating the lasagna I specifically made to last us a few days of paternity leave.

I don't know if DH misunderstood the dates, it's possible. He's a complete pushover when it comes to his mum and I'm not sure what I can do about it. If she was mum of the year I'd understand but he never gets so much as a birthday card or message from them and when we used to live around the corner from them we never saw them ever.

I definitely need to chat with him and make him aware that it's his responsibility to push back on any unreasonable requests in the moment when they come up (which is often) and not leave me to flounder.

So DH is doing stuff with his parents and leaving you alone with both children? He's as bad as they are. What on earth is he thinking? I presume that he has taken paternity leave to help with the baby and he is spending all his time entertaining his parents?

I'd have found it hard to resist pushing their smug faces into the lasagne that you made to last until the end of DH's paternity leave. What a bunch of utterly thoughtless twats they are.

TooGoodToGoto · 21/05/2025 20:49

RobinHeartella · 21/05/2025 20:45

To everyone saying "let them look after the toddler", it just doesn't work that way. DC1 has just had a brand new sibling and is no doubt worrying that he is no longer the centre of his parents' world. He will be needy and clingy and "Want Mummyyyyy". You can't fob him off on the grandparents, even if they are helpful ones which they aren't.

What op needs, what dc1 needs, is just to have private nuclear-family time so that dc2 gets the feeds he needs, dc1 gets the reassurance he needs, op gets the rest she needs.

[Or she as applicable, apologies if I missed whether the kids are boys or girls]

This 100% it’s just not that easy.

OP, please put fir foot down and they go tomorrow!

Tonkerbea · 21/05/2025 20:51

Quite simply, they're selfish and inconsiderate, and I'd lump your DH in with that description too.

Shocking behaviour. You and your children are the priority, your PIL needs and feelings are bottom of the pile. Muster the energy you have to tell your 'D' H they need to ship out tomorrow.

ButterCrackers · 21/05/2025 20:53

You had to do your toddlers bath despite recovering from a cs That’s is unacceptable. Your dh should be doing this. Can you call the hospital midwives to get them to explain to him that you can’t be lifting things and need rest to heal after major surgery. His useless parents can go to a hotel tonight. Can you arrange paid help from a qualified child carer? Someone to do your dc bath whilst you are there in the bathroom and lift them into bed afterwards. Then help you get ready for bed by watching your baby as you get washed. Then helping you get a good hold to breastfeed if you’re breastfeeding. You can say that seeing as your dh isn’t doing his father duties and the GP are staying for a holiday you are forced to call in paid help.

Original poster
LeBonBon · 21/05/2025 20:54

RobinHeartella · 21/05/2025 20:45

To everyone saying "let them look after the toddler", it just doesn't work that way. DC1 has just had a brand new sibling and is no doubt worrying that he is no longer the centre of his parents' world. He will be needy and clingy and "Want Mummyyyyy". You can't fob him off on the grandparents, even if they are helpful ones which they aren't.

What op needs, what dc1 needs, is just to have private nuclear-family time so that dc2 gets the feeds he needs, dc1 gets the reassurance he needs, op gets the rest she needs.

[Or she as applicable, apologies if I missed whether the kids are boys or girls]

You've nailed my feelings on this. Basically anyone trying to "keep DD out of the way" yo give me rest/time to focus on DS is making me feel worse. The last couple of evenings have been very challenging for DD - Mummy out of action because of clusterfeeding - and she's been a nightmare at bedtime, hence me wanting to do this for her.

DH had DS whilst I did this then handed him over after. But the fact is we were doing it all without the "helpers" and they've not even made the food they're scoffing.

OP posts:
BusyMum47 · 21/05/2025 20:57

@LeBonBon

I'm really cross on your behalf - your post baby plans are being shat all over - your husband needs to get them gone!! 😡

fashionqueen0123 · 21/05/2025 20:58

LeBonBon · 21/05/2025 20:54

You've nailed my feelings on this. Basically anyone trying to "keep DD out of the way" yo give me rest/time to focus on DS is making me feel worse. The last couple of evenings have been very challenging for DD - Mummy out of action because of clusterfeeding - and she's been a nightmare at bedtime, hence me wanting to do this for her.

DH had DS whilst I did this then handed him over after. But the fact is we were doing it all without the "helpers" and they've not even made the food they're scoffing.

Show quote history

Tell DH to put any food away and that they need to make their own. And that you expect them to leave tomorrow by midday . I wouldn’t let someone stay one night at this stage let alone a week! This is insanity.
I’d just say to him he needs to book them a hotel or you’ll be going to one. I wouldn’t actually but perhaps he’ll see you’re serious. I would be absolutely raging by now.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 21/05/2025 20:59

LeBonBon · 21/05/2025 20:54

You've nailed my feelings on this. Basically anyone trying to "keep DD out of the way" yo give me rest/time to focus on DS is making me feel worse. The last couple of evenings have been very challenging for DD - Mummy out of action because of clusterfeeding - and she's been a nightmare at bedtime, hence me wanting to do this for her.

DH had DS whilst I did this then handed him over after. But the fact is we were doing it all without the "helpers" and they've not even made the food they're scoffing.

Show quote history

Look, YANBU, but they are not reasonable people.

If they were they would not have invited themselves to stay with you for over a week right after you gave birth. They would have come for a much shorter visit, brought food with them, and made themselves useful.

They are not going to suddenly realise that they are taking the piss.

They are not going to leave unless either you or your DH tells them to.

Your DH needs to tell them it's too much and they have to go home by Friday.

And make it clear that in future, they don't decide when they are coming or how long they are staying. They come when they are invited.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 21/05/2025 21:01

Why is your husband being such a fucking doormat and not protecting his wife and children in their home from absolute dossers.

He's mad that you haven't told them to leave cos he can't set fucking boundaries. I'm fuming for you.

Next time he comes up tell him they need to go. Now. You're not a hotel, this is your home and they've taken over and not even lifted a fucking finger.