To ask PIL to leave early?

[LeBonBon]

I've posted about my bonkers MIL before but this has really taken the biscuit.

Got out of hospital on Thursday after a difficult labour and c-section where I hemorrhaged. Recovery has been tricky too with a toddler and zero sleep.

I knew PIL planned to visit at some point close to the birth. I asked my DH every day what their plans were. He didn't know as could never get a firm answer despite neither of them working.

At the weekend he confirmed they were arriving Tuesday (yesterday) and would stay one night. Fine. Not ideal as I'm deep in the breastfeeding/cluster feeding trenches and the evenings have been rough. But I could deal with one night.

They turn up Tuesday evening with big suitcases and bags full of shopping, and announce to the room that they are staying until the following Wednesday, so over a week and until my DH is due back at work.

No asking, no checking if it's OK prior to coming.

Is this not absolutely insane?

Why would they think this is OK?

I have had words with DH and he has politely asked them to leave at the weekend (still at least 3 days too long).

I know I'm NBU to expect at least a prior heads up or the courtesy of asking if this would be OK, but I'd like to ask how mumsnetters would actually deal with this nonsense in the moment to help me next time.

I really wanted to say, "No way - I'm recovering from major surgery, still bleeding, on loads of meds from the blood loss and preventing clots, getting to grips with breastfeeding, I've got the postpartum sweats constantly and I want to bond with my baby, support my toddler in the transition and just f-ing rest without an audience."

Instead I stayed quiet and got more upset as the evening went on and I fed my baby upstairs as the ILs took over my sofa.

I finally exploded at my DH when he came to check why I was so quiet and away.

My DH was annoyed that I had waited until we were alone to protest and get upset, but when someone literally says "We're staying until next Wednesday, that OK?" to your face, do you genuinely just say "Sorry no."?

Any help would be appreciated!

Ffs what is with these spineless blokes.

One night was agreed, so they need to leave now.

This is your family, and you never get this time back.

First thing tomorrow morning you and dh must tell them this is not working, it's not what they told you in advance, and they need to leave, hotel nearby if they have to.

You need your dh supporting you and your dc , not pandering to his parents or being the reluctant go between.

They are a nightmare. I suggest you take control now. You need to tell them that they are leaving tomorrow.

If your parents live nearby I’d be ringing them up to go stay with them with your children and leave your husband with his parents. I’d get them to pick me up or book a taxi, if asked where you going, I’d say to get some peace. They obviously have plans for their jolly’s like shopping and expect him to accompany them.

It sounds like they’re staying a few more days so whilst you’re 100% entitled to feel pissed off (I would) perhaps try to spend 10 minutes thinking of what they could help with.

Absolutely get them to either make or buy you meals to put in the freezer - CFs eating your lasagne.

Do you have laundry you can ask PIL to wash, hang and fold?

Do the cars need a clean?

Could the bathrooms/windows/kitchen/windowsills do with a once over?

Do you have any crap they can take to the charity shop to save you a trip?

Write a small list of useful chores, thank them for coming to help (which would be the only acceptable reason to stay for a week after a birth) and present them with a list of chores you’d appreciate their help with whilst they’re here. Be assertive.

Their oblivion is infuriating but perhaps you can use some of this to your advantage if you play the game and be firm.

Id be angry with husband too for making it out like you’re unreasonable to expect actual support. Scoffing down your lasagne with them whilst his wife is upstairs doing all the heavy lifting. What a loser, sorry.

Jesus, OP, now they're eating the food that was meant to last you a few days?! Kick them out! Be blunt - 'hope you enjoyed meeting the new baby. It would be great it you could pop out and buy a family size lasagne to replace the one you ate before you leave today, thanks.' Then breeze past upstairs on a mission to feed your baby (otherwise known as escaping horrible inlaws).

This is a fab idea

FFS, scoffing the food you'd made to save you time/effort?!

Nail DH's balls to the wall and spell it out for him - he needs to get them to fuck off ASAP, or you'll do it and you won't be bothering with either tact or diplomacy!

Agreed. I wouldn’t be waiting for DH to step up I would be going down asap and saying to them firmly, this isn’t working please come back at another time in the future. For now we need alone time

btw OP I’m days 10 post partum c section and cannot believe you’re having to live this!! We haven’t had any grandparents yet as they are all aware we need family time (and I would fucking kick off)

"We're staying until next Wednesday, that OK?" to your face, do you genuinely just say "Sorry no."?

yes, that is what you do - with a shocked look on your face and say, ive just ha major surgery and can't deal with this. You were due to stay one night and can't now decide youre inviting yourselves for 7 nights.

Please either go home after 1 night or find an airbnb locally and visit in the day for a couple of hours.

Tell them it is not acceptable behaviour

I agree, DH can explain to PIL he got the dates wrong and tomorrow they can get an Airbnb or they can go home. This is on him
ti sort out.

Sympathies here from another new mum!

I'm so sorry this is happening.

Tell your dh, in no uncertain terms, that he is not just letting you down, he is letting his daughter down, badly. He needs his parents out of the way, so he can focus on ds, so that you can give dd the attention she needs.

I have two too, a girl then a boy. It still breaks my heart a bit remembering how dd had to adjust to putting her needs second after the baby's (and mine, after my c section), even though we did everything we could to make her feel like a priority. She used to tiptoe into my bedroom while I was feeding ds, because I'd told her off for waking him at one point. I well up even remembering it.

Your husband, I have no words. I hope he's ashamed, I really do. These are times that try a man and he has been found wanting. Weak, cowardly man.

These people really know how to add insult to injury, don't they? Lasagnegate should have had your DH reaching for his phone and ordering his DPs a taxi to the nearest Airbnb. Or better still, one in Ulaanbataar. But no. It's as if he (and his DP) know you aren't up to the sort of screaming match appropriate to their behaviour...oh wait. They do. They should leave. Now, not tomorrow, even if that leaves them with no option but a long drive home. Shop-bought lasagne is no replacement for the home-made version, (especially one you put so much precious energy into, when you didn't have a lot to spare) so your DH can hit the recipe books and the shops, online and off. If his efforts are remotely acceptable, perhaps you'll be able to look him in the face. His DPs knew what they were doing and he let them. Time for some recompense OP!

No way . DH needs to tell them that there has been a misunderstanding. They need to go home in the morning .

HONESTLY though - who does this ?
if husband cannot find the words and you don;t feel up to the talk - write them a letter saying want you need, what you experienced at the birth, what you are feeling now etc and how they ate food you prepare for yourself after birth!!
Say you are not up to ''discussing'' the matter. Explain they must leave asap as you need house with just immediate family only at this special time etc. SPELL IT OUT. Just give letter/note to MIL with final time you want them gone.

I am clearly unusual. Didn’t bother me when my IL’s came in similar circumstances. It’s life, just get on with it.

Edit, hmm ok, they are not ‘helpers’. Although, I’d just not host, so they would be forced to forage and be given instructions.

Omg get your DH to tell them to leave tomorrow!! They have already stayed 1 more night than they should have!!

and you have a DH problem. His first reply should have been “No we agreed one night, sorry that’s all we can do”

Everyone's in laws are different, everyone's birth was different.

My in laws are particularly sensitive and empathetic. They knew dd wanted to spend time with Mummy after the birth. They looked after her while I was in hospital but left very soon after I came home (just one or two nights, and in a hotel too).

I remember one moment when it was just me, MIL and the baby at home, a day after the birth, MIL brought me breakfast in bed and then was about to hurry out of the room again "to give me privacy" until I asked her to stay with me and the baby.

Basically, in laws lie on a spectrum. It's irrelevant if you had better ones. Op's aren't helpful

I haven't read the full thread but feel sad for the ILs who brought shopping and most likely were meaning extremely well . I'm not saying it's easy always (and often it isn't ) but I once was in a similar position when ILs seemed to be coming to stay for a MONTH and we had a small baby and no spare room. However I treated them as I would my own family and didn't say anything other than expressing slight alarm to my dh! and I promise you when they left we all felt tearful as it had been such a special time . Not only that but I'm still grateful for it 18 years later as so sadly that was the last holiday my MIL had before suddenly getting very ill and I miss her to this day . Yes I did have to bite my tongue at times as I was exhausted and I wasn't perfect but I am grateful I recognised their love in coming and didn't reject it. Their hearts have always been in a wonderful place and depending on your ILs I think it's worth the effort recognising that even if you have to adjust the terms or explain you need more notice / to check days beforehand generally .

I would be calling DH upstairs and telling him 'you have let me down so badly by not protecting the peace and privacy you knew I needed after what I've been through that I'm genuinely worried I will resent you forever if you don't stand up for me now. Go downstairs and tell your parents I'm not feeling well and they need to leave immediately/first thing tomorrow (whichever works best logistically) because if you don't I honestly don't think I'll ever forgive you.'

Please don't let them ruin the memory of your DS's first days for you, you don't want to look back on this time and only remember feeling invaded and resentful. If DH won't do it of his own accord you'll have to force him to advocate for you but you can't let this run or you will always regret it. I'm so bloody angry on your behalf I want to come and evict the IL's and shake some sense into your DH myself, you must be so disappointed in him OP

I’d be having a divorce.

They are totally mental. I’d have laughed maniacally at them when they announced their stay and told them not to put me at risk of bursting the MASSIVE WOUND ACROSS MY ABDOMEN that I’m trying to heal due to major surgery last week! And then say of course I know they wouldn’t be that ridiculous to think that the four of us need time to bond as a family and recover from the birth.

As you can’t do that, I’d go downstairs and feign sleepiness, and tell them about the most crazy dream I had where they said they were staying for a week when it was supposedly just one day, and had eaten the Lasagne I’d made to feed my family post-natally, and thank got they weren’t really that thoughtless.

But I’m a sarky one, especially when sleep deprived…

Have you told them to leave yet?

But they didn't actually bring shopping for us - it was stuff they wanted to eat. Hence by day 2 they've resorted to eating my postpartum freezer meals.

There's been so much weirdness over the years since we moved away from them (and when DD arrived - same time ish), but this time they've gone too far.

I don't know if they're angry I took their precious baby away to live closer to my family (even though he never saw or spoke to them), or they feel strange about being distant grandparents, or they're genuinely just completely socially inept, but it's not on.