Feel like my holiday is going to be ruined AIBU?

[SummertimeWTFery]

So we live in America, where DH is from. All my family are in the UK. DH has some family in Spain. Last year we had our first baby, and while I'm totally in love with my son, it has also been pretty hard going, as I have had to have my baby and get used to being a mum without the support of any of my family, although my parents flew out a few times which was amazing. Soon after I gave birth, I also started a new (much more intense/much more responsibilities) job, so I guess you could say this year has been quite hard for me.

Me and DH decided that this summer, we would rent a house in Spain for 2 weeks. For the first week, his family are joining us. Now full disclaimer: his parents live in America very near us, and they have been really difficult to deal with. I won't go into the details because otherwise this thread would be epic 😆 But honestly, it's been so hard and I've felt so unsupported.
After this first week of holiday, I was really looking forward to the second week, with my own family: my parents, and my sister, who I'm close to, as well as her DP, who i have known for years.

Here's the part I'm struggling with. I have a brother, and let's just say we have a more complicated relationship. Hes not a bad person AT ALL, its just I've always felt like he gets let off the hook for pretty much everything, especially when we were growi g up. He's like the golden child in our family, and it really grates on me. He never bothers with staying in touch or buying family members gifts, etc etc. You know the type. He has a girlfriend. Me and DB have always had a slightly distant relationship. He's just messaged me to say "I heard you're renting a house in Spain this summer. What are the dates? :)" and I'm so fucking pissed off. BTW, this is the first contact I've had from him in FIVE MONTHS. I guess because I just feel like it's so entitled, like I've had to organise this whole holiday and pay €€€€ for the house (also our flights, although that's not his problem obviously) and as usual, he's just going to freeload. I've never met his GF because of the distance, but i just don't fancy my one week where I can relax being spent "getting to know" someone. I just want to be able to relax with the people I love that week, with no pressure. Because he's thr golden child though, my parents are acting like I'm being unreasonable and hurtful. I don't know, am I overreacting? I just feel like my holiday (in America we get so little time off btw) has now turned into two weeks of fucking duty. I don't want to be estranged from my brother but I also feel like: why should I just pay for and serve you up a holiday? Were all in our 30s btw.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! X

Your answer is “ irrelevant to you as you’re not invited”

"Sorry, can't accommodate you. Hope you're well."

Why are your in laws coming the first week? That's as much of an issue since you can them when you're at home.
Who's paying for the accommodation?

Just say no room at the inn but he’s welcome to visit next time he’s in the states.

Learn the great American phrase:

Nunya.

Repeat as necessary.

If he gets nasty, tell him it's your holiday, not his. He can rent his own place.

Although it will be difficult, you need to put on your big girl panties and tell him he isn't included in this trip. You deserve peace.

Don’t cave in!

Does your H ‘get it’ and ‘have your back’ regarding his family?

He won't get nasty, that's not my worry. He's quite a softie. It's more that I will be massively guilt tripped by my parents who will act like I'm an uncaring monster.

We are paying 50%, in-laws are paying 25, my parents are paying 25

You need to say sorry but it’s full or whatever excuse you want. Your parents need to back off. Tell them you don’t want to share your limited holiday with someone you don’t know. DB can go alone or not at all (unless you’d really prefer him not to come at all). You don’t have to accommodate other peoples wants. Your inlaws for example, did they really need to join you? You need to start saying no. Trust me, I am a yes person and people just walk all over you.

DH is disappointed at dynamics with his in-laws but recognise that we will never do this again with them

Eg ‘good to hear from you DB, hope you’re well’. If he directly asks to come and stay in the house you’ve rented would politely say no.

& inform your parents, if they raise it again, that you will be leaving the arrangements / attendees as is and that DB can communicate with you directly if he has thoughts/feelings about that.

In that case, you could inform them that they would be expected to pay a fair contribution towards the house. He might change his mind. Or just say you just want the holiday to be family.

Ask him why he needs to know, afterall it's none of his business

Give him details of accommodation ‘nearby’. A few villages over

Yanbu you deserve a week to just chill

I'm really struggling with this, I think because of the distance factor. If we all lived in the same area, this would be a small clash that wpuld roll over. But because we see each other only once a year or once every two years because of the distance, things get amplified. Does anyone know what I mean 😔

We'll be there from 1-7th August. There's a B+B here (insert link) if you want to come for a day or two to visit.

I presume you haven't booked a holiday home that's big enough to house them as well for a week (I'm thinking your in laws have a room that your parents will have for the second week)? If you've booked somewhere large, then I probably would have guessed your parents would want him to come in advance...

Three options:
Tell him there aren't any rooms left.
Tell him there's an available room but it'll cost 25%, so everyone is equal
Tell him he's not invited

There is room for him

Is there any room left? I would reply with 'Yes we are, why do you ask?' to at least make him pose the question.

If your parents are so keen to have him there, would they pay for him? This is if you can even fit him in. How many bedrooms? It's a flat no if anyone has to sleep in the lounge, on a sofa etc.

I do know what you mean about that intensity of holidays when it's people who only get together every so often. You may need a holiday to recover!

You’re not unreasonable at all to not want him there. If he’s the golden child, there’s room for him, and your parents are paying for part though I think it was apparent that they’d try to invite him. I’m guessing they’ll mope and whinge at you during their week if you don’t let him come?

Is there room for him without making it uncomfortable for everyone else ?(ie: a spare bedroom rather than a sofa bed?)

If there’s a spare bedroom, you could say “yes, if you want to stay, it will cost x, everyone staying is chipping in x”. But you don’t have to do that.

Or you could say, “Gosh I haven’t heard from you in so long. Yes we’ll be in Spain. There’s no room in our house, but these are the dates and this is the closest town for airbnbs”.

Or you could reply and say “it’s been a very long time since I last heard from you! Yes we’ll be in Spain. Sadly there’s no extra room in the house. But I really hope to see you next time we’re in the UK!”

Depends on your level of how much you do or don’t want to see him. But - golden child status aside - I can see why your parents want to holiday with all their children, but that’s their want, not yours.

Well I feel like a massive bitch but I'm not keen on his GF, just from what I know. So even if he DID pay, I wouldn't want to be on holiday with her

If he comes the baby will need to sleep in our room with us, we were hoping to move DS out for the second week so we could actually be alone as a couple 🤪