Feel like my holiday is going to be ruined AIBU?

[SummertimeWTFery]

So we live in America, where DH is from. All my family are in the UK. DH has some family in Spain. Last year we had our first baby, and while I'm totally in love with my son, it has also been pretty hard going, as I have had to have my baby and get used to being a mum without the support of any of my family, although my parents flew out a few times which was amazing. Soon after I gave birth, I also started a new (much more intense/much more responsibilities) job, so I guess you could say this year has been quite hard for me.

Me and DH decided that this summer, we would rent a house in Spain for 2 weeks. For the first week, his family are joining us. Now full disclaimer: his parents live in America very near us, and they have been really difficult to deal with. I won't go into the details because otherwise this thread would be epic 😆 But honestly, it's been so hard and I've felt so unsupported.
After this first week of holiday, I was really looking forward to the second week, with my own family: my parents, and my sister, who I'm close to, as well as her DP, who i have known for years.

Here's the part I'm struggling with. I have a brother, and let's just say we have a more complicated relationship. Hes not a bad person AT ALL, its just I've always felt like he gets let off the hook for pretty much everything, especially when we were growi g up. He's like the golden child in our family, and it really grates on me. He never bothers with staying in touch or buying family members gifts, etc etc. You know the type. He has a girlfriend. Me and DB have always had a slightly distant relationship. He's just messaged me to say "I heard you're renting a house in Spain this summer. What are the dates? :)" and I'm so fucking pissed off. BTW, this is the first contact I've had from him in FIVE MONTHS. I guess because I just feel like it's so entitled, like I've had to organise this whole holiday and pay €€€€ for the house (also our flights, although that's not his problem obviously) and as usual, he's just going to freeload. I've never met his GF because of the distance, but i just don't fancy my one week where I can relax being spent "getting to know" someone. I just want to be able to relax with the people I love that week, with no pressure. Because he's thr golden child though, my parents are acting like I'm being unreasonable and hurtful. I don't know, am I overreacting? I just feel like my holiday (in America we get so little time off btw) has now turned into two weeks of fucking duty. I don't want to be estranged from my brother but I also feel like: why should I just pay for and serve you up a holiday? Were all in our 30s btw.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! X

What do you really want to happen? Would the best solution be for your brother to come without his girlfriend? If so you could say that he’s welcome but he’ll have to share with the baby. That might put him off entirely. If he mentions his girlfriend then tell him what you’ve told us, you want to decompress, you don’t know her and it’s your only holiday and you would feel awkward with her around. “maybe next time” could be a useful phrase here!

Also could you be honest with your mum and dad and explain that the way the “goldenballs” your brother drives you up the wall and makes you not want to see him. Get your sister to back you up, perhaps they don’t know they’re doing it?

I don't have a "golden child " but if any of my children wanted to exclude their brother from a family holiday that involved their other siblings , I would be upset. I actually think it's mean and very hurtful if there is no real reason for it . If you wanted a relaxing family holiday maybe you shouldn't have invited wider family at all.

I think this sums it all up well.

Not sure you can invite your sister but refuse your brother. But you can say you want a quiet chill second week with immediate family only so you’re happy for him to come but you can’t accomodate his girlfriend.

Book a third week (if work and finances allow) and don’t tell a soul!

Have a third week just you, husband and baby.

Do your parents actually know that you think of your DB as the 'Golden Boy', as if this is the case, then I think you need to tell them that because of the way they always put him above you and your sister, you don't want him coming on YOUR holiday, because you feel that him being there will spoil it for you. If they ask why, you can tell them that the likelihood is, that they will want to spend all their time with him, rather than spending it with you and your baby, because that's what always happens (assuming it does).

Other than that, I think you have three alternatives:

If you are in a position to offer them their money back, and un-invite them you could do that, but still let your sister come if that's what you want.

Tell them that if they're determined your brother comes along, then they will need to pay you your share of the holiday for the week they are there, and you, DH, and baby will book something else.

OR

Bite your tongue about your DB coming, but insist that it is purely family, so he can't bring his GF. Of course this will only work, if you haven't told your sister she can bring her DH, DP, or BF, in which case you're stuffed!

While YANBU to feel the way you do, if your brother is offering to pay for himself or your parents are offering to pay for him then tbh I don’t see how it can really be avoided - considering your sister is coming too. It’s not really a “family holiday” if the other member of the family who wants to come is excluded (might be different if it was just you and your parents). Unless you’ve got other siblings who are also excluded?

It sounds like your parents are paying half for the week (so 2 beds for them and your Sis) and you are paying half for 2 beds (for you and your DC)? In which case your brother needs to give you the 25% for “his” room instead of it being your sons (or more likely it sounds like your parents will pay it for him). You’ll have to get through the week by telling yourself that at least you are saving some money… and next time book a holiday with enough bedrooms for just your parents or just your sister- so your parents can’t insist it’s a “family holiday”.

Unfair on you but you yourself say that DB is not a bad person - so really there’s no “nice” way to exclude him but still have both your parents and sister/DBIL there but not him and his partner.

They’re paying half of what OP is paying. They haven’t paid a penny for their son and his gf. The invite was for them, not their son,

He's just messaged me to say "I heard you're renting a house in Spain this summer. What are the dates? :)"

What an entitled twat. What an awful message to send. No ‘please can we come’, just an assumption that he will have a free stay.

Fuck him, tell him there’s no room. The extra room is for your baby.

Is your sister paying?

Part of me thinks if there is room and she isn't paying, why shouldn't he go free as well. But then why are you paying at all if neither sibling is?

I don’t see how you get out of this one without a major family ruction. You can’t say there’s no room because your mum will be able to see for herself that there is the minute she arrives (I’d be very surprised if anyone except you counts the baby as someone needing their own room). You’re not unreasonable to be pissed off, I just think you need to consider what the likely fall out will be.

(My mum would end up getting pissed and crying and saying she didn’t understand why I didn’t want my brother there, with heavy implications that it must be my husband’s fault.)

five months I would think isn’t a big thing considering you live in a different continent, I live in the same country as all of my family and life sometimes gets in the way and you keep in contact with some and not so much with others (considering how you feel about him I’d guess you’re not in regular contact with him either). Maybe he’s trying to reconnect?

nomas · Today 23:24

He's just messaged me to say "I heard you're renting a house in Spain this summer. What are the dates? :)"
What an entitled twat. What an awful message to send. No ‘please can we come’, just an assumption that he will have a free stay.
Fuck him, tell him there’s no room. The extra room is for your baby.

Why does a baby need their own room on a holiday?!

I don’t think that sounds entitled, I think it sounds like a friendly relaxed request, and it doesn’t insinuate he won’t pay, it’s a message, he’s not going to get into logistics yet!

Then, in fact, there is NOT room for him.

Sorry OP I think you are the problem here.
playing god on a family holiday is not ok
Set a price per head and let anyone who can pay come. The power trip you are on is putting your parents in an awful position.
If I was then I wouldn’t go.

I’m quite surprised that no one is saying it sounds very petty of you to want to actively exclude your brother but include everyone else in your immediate family?

No wonder people are getting pissed off. It sounds very entitled. I wonder how you would feel if your parents, sister & partner rented out a house (with room for you) but, not only did they not invite you, they actively told you that you weren’t welcome when you expressed an interest in attending 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’ve ruined your own holiday by taking every bugger along with you. Can the accommodation be cancelled and everyone just book their own separate accommodation in the same town?

It doesn’t sound like your brother has done much other than be a bit spoilt by your parents and be distant through his twenties. It’s only when starting having their own kids that families often become closer once again.

I think you’ve already messed up so give him a chance.

Have they paid for their other daughter and her boyfriend cause it sounds like they have! Horrible replies from you

The fact is you lost control of the holiday when you allowed others to contribute financially towards it. It’s no longer “your” holiday because you’re not paying for it. It’s your families holiday. You no longer have the right to dictate who can invite who. Plus, you’re not expecting your sister or her partner to contribute at all. You’re going to have to accept that you no longer get to decide if your parents include your brother.

Well, then it's going to be a very strong statement if you include your sister but leave out your brother. Entirely your choice but it will send a message.

Holidays with family are never really 'holidays' in my experience.

How would you deal with this if you did live nearer? Would you still have your brother and his gf there or not? I’m no also interested in the dynamic with your husbands family. They sound equally if not more difficult?

Your parents are paying for ‘their’ part of the accommodation as much as you are so if they want him to come he comes , if you want to dictate who comes you pay for the accommodation completely yourself .

OP wants a solution to not have CF brother there. To say there is no room is the easiest solution.

You know your brother best, but he hasn’t actually said he would like to stop with you. He could just be enquiring to see when it is as he’s thinking of stopping nearby. I’d go back and say “it’s x and y dates, why do you ask?” Then you’ll know his intent and can respond accordingly. You’re assuming from that short message that he wants to stop with you.

If he then suggests staying or asks to stay say you’ve invited parents and dsis because you’re in regular contact and want their company, and you have paid for rooms for your and DS and parents have paid for rooms for them and dsis. That way it’s clear why he wasn’t on the invite list to start. If parents apply pressure just explain how you feel, that you want a room for DS so that they understand. Approach it with facts and honesty rather than expecting drama up front.

Just re-split the cost for the second week 3 ways and tell him his share? He and his girlfriend cent want to hang around all day with a baby so you will probably see them less than half the time anyway.