Feel like my holiday is going to be ruined AIBU?

[SummertimeWTFery]

So we live in America, where DH is from. All my family are in the UK. DH has some family in Spain. Last year we had our first baby, and while I'm totally in love with my son, it has also been pretty hard going, as I have had to have my baby and get used to being a mum without the support of any of my family, although my parents flew out a few times which was amazing. Soon after I gave birth, I also started a new (much more intense/much more responsibilities) job, so I guess you could say this year has been quite hard for me.

Me and DH decided that this summer, we would rent a house in Spain for 2 weeks. For the first week, his family are joining us. Now full disclaimer: his parents live in America very near us, and they have been really difficult to deal with. I won't go into the details because otherwise this thread would be epic 😆 But honestly, it's been so hard and I've felt so unsupported.
After this first week of holiday, I was really looking forward to the second week, with my own family: my parents, and my sister, who I'm close to, as well as her DP, who i have known for years.

Here's the part I'm struggling with. I have a brother, and let's just say we have a more complicated relationship. Hes not a bad person AT ALL, its just I've always felt like he gets let off the hook for pretty much everything, especially when we were growi g up. He's like the golden child in our family, and it really grates on me. He never bothers with staying in touch or buying family members gifts, etc etc. You know the type. He has a girlfriend. Me and DB have always had a slightly distant relationship. He's just messaged me to say "I heard you're renting a house in Spain this summer. What are the dates? :)" and I'm so fucking pissed off. BTW, this is the first contact I've had from him in FIVE MONTHS. I guess because I just feel like it's so entitled, like I've had to organise this whole holiday and pay €€€€ for the house (also our flights, although that's not his problem obviously) and as usual, he's just going to freeload. I've never met his GF because of the distance, but i just don't fancy my one week where I can relax being spent "getting to know" someone. I just want to be able to relax with the people I love that week, with no pressure. Because he's thr golden child though, my parents are acting like I'm being unreasonable and hurtful. I don't know, am I overreacting? I just feel like my holiday (in America we get so little time off btw) has now turned into two weeks of fucking duty. I don't want to be estranged from my brother but I also feel like: why should I just pay for and serve you up a holiday? Were all in our 30s btw.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! X

I do get your issue but I think it’s odd that you would invite your parents and sister and not your brother. Or that you didn’t expect your parents/sister to suggest to him that he comes.

unless there is loads more back story than we have time for

ultimately if you’ve paid for the house then you tell him there is no space for him. Be prepared to fall out with him though and be direct with your parents and sister as to the reason.

I don't think its fair to not include him when your sister is going.

I think you've really fucked up here, sorry. Inviting every family but one is not great especially when he hasn't really done anything wrong, it's your parents responsible for the golden child dynamic. You can't say he's freeloading when you're happy for your sister to not pay, then it's really obvious you just don't like him, no wonder your parents are upset.

You say you won't like his GF, you've never met her!

Why are you holidaying with in-laws you don't even like??

I'm sorry you're not going to get a restful holiday but it was avoidable.

I do think you could get away with telling DB that he can come but not the girlfriend, you can say that you want to just have close family. Then if he doesn't come that's on him.

Which covers them. Not another two uninvited people

This. I think you are mad to have your in laws whom you see regularly but have a tricky relationship with come on your holiday. But I suspect after that week you'll never do that again.

If your brother says he is coming tell him it will cost him X amount - whatever 25 percent is.

But there is no room for him! Your DS will be using that room. Explain to parents. Just stay firm.

So you are asking your parents to come for a week, pay their share, see both their daughters and exclude their son.

I can understand why they think you are U.

I totally see your point but the mistake was a family holiday and trying to please everyone.

Can you ask your mum to speak to him about staying nearby to give him privacy with his new GF as technically there is no spare room as DC will be in it?

Not disputing that- OP it's just her, DH and DS's holiday, but it isn't when others are also paying for themselves

He's not a bad person, he's your brother, your sister is coming and not paying, and you live in America so presumably this is the closest geographically you've been for ages.

There is absolutely no way to have him not come that isn't massively hurtful. If that's what you want, do it, but it feels pretty nuclear.

Your sister isn't paying either? So I am not sure how you will be able to swing that one without it being personal

I think it’s really unfair not to let him come when his parents and sister are going to be there. If you want a contribution of money then that’s fine, but you should also ask your sister to pay her share. You’re not really going to have a quiet and restful holiday even if he and his girlfriend don’t come and if you exclude them you’re setting up all sorts of problems for your future relationship with your family. Also, you’re not giving his girlfriend a chance to prove she’s okay, but have already made up your mind without even meeting her. I think you need to change your attitude and try and do the best you can to make it a happy holiday for everyone. Then, next year, book your holiday more carefully!

I have one of these families, and I would bet good money that your brother is being guilt tripped into going by your parents, who 'just want to have all their children there'.

Offer him an out and I bet he'll take it.

Your parents will always guilt trip you because you don't want to live up to their fantasy of one big, close, loving family. Their problem, not yours.

Have they paid 50% though? Their 50% is over two weeks, the in-laws and the parents are paying 25% for one week each.

IMO in-laws are paying half and OP is paying half for the first week and same for the second week with OP’s parents paying the other half.

They may be paying 50% overall, but it’s actually only 25% per week, same as the other guests.

I don’t think they get to call dibs and say no to the brother, given that the parents who want him to come are paying the same for that specific week.

If you want to add the sister+partner into it, she’s there as OP’s guest in week two and the parents want the son+partner as their guest. I also think the excuse of wanting the baby to have their own room in the second week is a very weak argument. They’ll likely end up in the parents room anyway as will be unsettled after a week in there with them.

YABU.

So there is no room for him.....!!!!

The baby sleeps SO much better in their own room

Tell him you'll see him next time this is a special grandparents holiday

Sod that. Do not let DP shoehorn spoiled DB in so you can watch them fawn over him all week. I have one like this and not a chance I would agree to this.

@SummertimeWTFery I actually cant believe that your outlaws are going for a week when they see you loads!! surely even your husband realises that!

You and your parents are paying the same for the week. Your sister is paying nothing but is welcome. I can understand why you want to have a room to put your child in. However, how would you feel if your parents, sister and brother went on holiday together and you were excluded? And the other thing is, if you say no, your parents are going to be upset and probably feel awkward and sad over your holiday. If I were you, I’d compromise. I’d say no to them staying at the house because you want to be able to use the room but suggest accommodation nearby and that way you can see them but also have space to relax.

I’m gonna go against the majority here and say YABU. Presumably someone else is coming along with the in laws for the first week which is why you can’t have your own room then without baby. Then for the second week your sister is coming as well as your parents - who are paying an equal amount as you for that week.

Try to see it from their point of view, how often do they get to have all three of their kids together under one roof with no work etc.

How would you feel in the future if you were to go away with a second DC and their partner and kids, but your current DC wasn’t allowed to come?

Life can be very short and you said you would like to heal the rift with your brother somewhat, now is your chance.

In future if you want a holiday just the three of you, don’t invite family members from either side!!

But the week before the baby is in with parents! So OP is happy to sacrifice the baby having its own room for the in laws she sees all the time, but not for her own brother who she lives on a different continent to!

Hmm I don't know. I entirely understand you want to relax with family you're comfortable around!

But I've seen similar threads from people really upset that they are the only sibling left out of a family holiday, event etc. So from that point it seems a bit mean to leave him out if your parents and all other siblings are going.

Could you say something like: Yes, booked a place and looking forward to a break- it’ll be all hands on deck with the little one, including through the night! Be great to catch up with you and GF another time x

Look, who gives a fuck what you might look like? Say no and mean it and make very clear to your parents you won't be hearing any guilt trip nonsense.
It is fine to be be selfish on occasion and suit yourself.
If you want to be mildly generous then do as others have suggested and give info on places nearby to stay.

Is your brother the only member of your family that you are leaving out? If I was your parent, I probably wouldn't want to join you if so.

Agree with all this