Feel like my holiday is going to be ruined AIBU?

[SummertimeWTFery]

So we live in America, where DH is from. All my family are in the UK. DH has some family in Spain. Last year we had our first baby, and while I'm totally in love with my son, it has also been pretty hard going, as I have had to have my baby and get used to being a mum without the support of any of my family, although my parents flew out a few times which was amazing. Soon after I gave birth, I also started a new (much more intense/much more responsibilities) job, so I guess you could say this year has been quite hard for me.

Me and DH decided that this summer, we would rent a house in Spain for 2 weeks. For the first week, his family are joining us. Now full disclaimer: his parents live in America very near us, and they have been really difficult to deal with. I won't go into the details because otherwise this thread would be epic 😆 But honestly, it's been so hard and I've felt so unsupported.
After this first week of holiday, I was really looking forward to the second week, with my own family: my parents, and my sister, who I'm close to, as well as her DP, who i have known for years.

Here's the part I'm struggling with. I have a brother, and let's just say we have a more complicated relationship. Hes not a bad person AT ALL, its just I've always felt like he gets let off the hook for pretty much everything, especially when we were growi g up. He's like the golden child in our family, and it really grates on me. He never bothers with staying in touch or buying family members gifts, etc etc. You know the type. He has a girlfriend. Me and DB have always had a slightly distant relationship. He's just messaged me to say "I heard you're renting a house in Spain this summer. What are the dates? :)" and I'm so fucking pissed off. BTW, this is the first contact I've had from him in FIVE MONTHS. I guess because I just feel like it's so entitled, like I've had to organise this whole holiday and pay €€€€ for the house (also our flights, although that's not his problem obviously) and as usual, he's just going to freeload. I've never met his GF because of the distance, but i just don't fancy my one week where I can relax being spent "getting to know" someone. I just want to be able to relax with the people I love that week, with no pressure. Because he's thr golden child though, my parents are acting like I'm being unreasonable and hurtful. I don't know, am I overreacting? I just feel like my holiday (in America we get so little time off btw) has now turned into two weeks of fucking duty. I don't want to be estranged from my brother but I also feel like: why should I just pay for and serve you up a holiday? Were all in our 30s btw.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! X

There’s your answer - no room for brother. The dynamics sound challenging enough without him and his GF.

"I heard you're renting a house in Spain this summer. What are the dates? :)"

No thank you.

I think you should include him given your parents are paying for half " their" week.

But it's not my parents holiday? It's our holiday: me, DH and DS.

"Oh, so nice to hear from you. Yes, we'll be in Spain. I assume you'll be passing through or staying somewhere nearby during that time? Would be great to catch up! I can't wait to be taken out and spoilt by you."
So, surely, your brother (and his girlfriend) will be happy to share a room with your DC for a night, if they have to stay at yours...for a night. You are looking forward to have them take you out to a lovely restaurant. Perhaps send some recommendations for differen wines they could bring so you can chill at the house after your lavish meal.

But it's not my parents holiday? It's our holiday: me, DH and DS.

Your parents are travelling from the Uk to Spain for a week in a house. That sounds to me like it's a holiday for them!

But your parents are paying 25% for their week

I look back on those holidays with babies and grandparents and wish we hadn't bothered.
It's stressful, a baby needs an entire suite of furniture, risk assessments and 24/7 attention. My parents and in-laws also needed a huge amount of attention. DH relaxed because he was on holiday and I just needed a good cry and a few afternoons without having to entertain anyone.

I also tried to involve childless siblings at one point, that also didn't work.

Just say no, not this year but catch up another time. Don't offer wriggle room. Else you'll get we love babies or we'll cook, etc

I get that, but let’s say your friend organises a holiday and you decide to tag along and pay your share. But then you decide you actually want to invite your cousin that they aren’t close to but know. Should you be allowed to invite your cousin on the holiday your friend organised?!!

Thank you 🙏

I would just explain.

Say nice to hear from him. Been a crazy year. Packed house with parents and in-laws first week so looking forward to having a quiet, restful week with just your DH and child the following week.

Simple.
No need to be guilt-tripped. Just keep that line. We deserve rest and downtime, it's on them if your parents or brother cause issues.

My sister is coming though :/

If you say that if he want to come for a night he WILL be sharing with the baby he might not be so keen.

Make him actually ask the CF and then say no.

Enjoy your holiday.

Just allocate the dc his own room. No space. Tell your dps they are welcome to holiday with db any time they want but not this trip. You've paid 50% you get the final say imo.

I’d say this means there isn’t room for him. Go with the ‘yes we’re staying these two weeks and here is a village nearby where you could stay, sorry no spare rooms in our place’

especially as it sounds like you planned and booked the holiday- not your parents- and you could reasonably say to them that if your DB wanted to be included in family trips organised by you, that he really needs to make more of an effort to reciprocate the relationship.

Look, you don’t want him there. Stop martyring yourself by arguing you have the space and you feel obliged. Just don’t invite him. Tell him “great to hear from you, sorry we’re not renting a house for summer, only a couple of weeks and we’re not able to accommodate anyone else”.

That’s about handling extra guests, not amount of rooms.

Realistically there’s nothing you can say to soften this, because you have chosen to invite her and not him, for whatever reason, and there is room for him. There’s no way to dress that up.

You either change that decision or stand by it, but do it with confidence. It is the decision you’ve made.

You need to make a decision and deal with it. I get it, I'm completely no contact with a sibling but, when there is a family event, we both show up but do not interact whatsoever. We dont even glance over at the other.

You can't control how your family react. You'll just have to figure out which is more uncomfortable, having your brother on holiday or having your parents moan about it because I get it, no parent wants to see one of their children singled out from a family event.

If the freeloading is really the sticking point here, and it sound like it is, ask your parents to pay his portion. If they say no (or you just don't want him there at all) you need to be assertive and tell him he is not invited.

You can't just expect everyone to live in a way that makes you comfortable. You need to assert yourself, tell people what you'd like. Then let them decide how they'll feel and act about it.

"I heard you're renting a house in Spain this summer. What are the dates? :)"

Hi Bruv, why do you ask?

"Me & GF can come see you"

Sorry Bruv, it's only a short trip and we have parents from both sides joining us both weeks so won't have time to see you.

"But DSis said she's coming too?"

Yes, you know DSis and I are very close. You and me aren't close and I don't even know your GF. We get very little annual leave in America, so I want to spend it with those I'm closest to. I'm sure you can understand that.

Even if he doesn't mention GF, it still works if you leave her out of it.

I don't know why people are telling you to accomodate him. Tell him to fk off. You've not heard from him for months, then he's looking to freeload on a holiday - no fuck off.

Parents giving you hassle - by all means feel free to organise yourself a seperate holiday with DB and his GF but they are not freeloading onto mine.

I DONT WANT THEM THERE.... repeat infinitum.

Don't like it DM? that's cool, don't come then.

There's no room for him at the house. I wouldn't have a 1 year old in the bedroom with me if I could help it.

Yes that will be £350 each pls

I don't know, do you want an improved relationship with your brother? It is awkward to have an extended family holiday but not invite one member. But only you know your family dynamics. And I get not wanting a newish girlfriend there.

In your shoes, I'd reply and say something like we'll be using the extra room for baby that week but we'll be in x these dates if you want to stay nearby. Maybe add that you haven't heard from him in ages so presumed he wouldn't be interested in a holiday with a baby as he hasn't bothered checking in with you since you had one.

I get that, but let’s say your friend organises a holiday and you decide to tag along and pay your share. But then you decide you actually want to invite your cousin that they aren’t close to but know. Should you be allowed to invite your cousin on the holiday your friend organised?!!

If I thought it was highly likely they were going to invite someone I don't really like to join the holiday, I wouldn't have agreed to it in the first place though.