Feel like my holiday is going to be ruined AIBU?

[SummertimeWTFery]

So we live in America, where DH is from. All my family are in the UK. DH has some family in Spain. Last year we had our first baby, and while I'm totally in love with my son, it has also been pretty hard going, as I have had to have my baby and get used to being a mum without the support of any of my family, although my parents flew out a few times which was amazing. Soon after I gave birth, I also started a new (much more intense/much more responsibilities) job, so I guess you could say this year has been quite hard for me.

Me and DH decided that this summer, we would rent a house in Spain for 2 weeks. For the first week, his family are joining us. Now full disclaimer: his parents live in America very near us, and they have been really difficult to deal with. I won't go into the details because otherwise this thread would be epic 😆 But honestly, it's been so hard and I've felt so unsupported.
After this first week of holiday, I was really looking forward to the second week, with my own family: my parents, and my sister, who I'm close to, as well as her DP, who i have known for years.

Here's the part I'm struggling with. I have a brother, and let's just say we have a more complicated relationship. Hes not a bad person AT ALL, its just I've always felt like he gets let off the hook for pretty much everything, especially when we were growi g up. He's like the golden child in our family, and it really grates on me. He never bothers with staying in touch or buying family members gifts, etc etc. You know the type. He has a girlfriend. Me and DB have always had a slightly distant relationship. He's just messaged me to say "I heard you're renting a house in Spain this summer. What are the dates? :)" and I'm so fucking pissed off. BTW, this is the first contact I've had from him in FIVE MONTHS. I guess because I just feel like it's so entitled, like I've had to organise this whole holiday and pay €€€€ for the house (also our flights, although that's not his problem obviously) and as usual, he's just going to freeload. I've never met his GF because of the distance, but i just don't fancy my one week where I can relax being spent "getting to know" someone. I just want to be able to relax with the people I love that week, with no pressure. Because he's thr golden child though, my parents are acting like I'm being unreasonable and hurtful. I don't know, am I overreacting? I just feel like my holiday (in America we get so little time off btw) has now turned into two weeks of fucking duty. I don't want to be estranged from my brother but I also feel like: why should I just pay for and serve you up a holiday? Were all in our 30s btw.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! X

What was horrible exactly?

I’m going against the grain here, but (while I can understand your frustration) I don’t think you can say no as you’re having family with you all the time. Not only parents but also siblings. It’s a bit mean to exclude him.
Are you sure you’re not projecting frustration at IL’s staying with you for a week onto your brother?
Also, it’s not really your call, because you shared the costs for that week equally with your parents. They get as much say as you do.
tbh, the entire set up would go my head in completely. I would never spent my enire holiday with family.
Next time, book a smaller house and only be there with your husband and child. Other family members are welcome to book a house nearby. That also gives you a bit of family time.

I was on the fence until you revealed your sister is going. If this post were from your brother's perspective I suspect the voting would be very different. "My sister, who lives abroad, is organizing a family holiday for her in laws - who she sees all the time - and the whole of the rest of my family but excluding me". Believe me I get the golden brother dynamic but if you think about it from your brother's pov you will come out as the villain of the piece. He's got the moral high ground on this one and so I suspect the issue will overshadow your holiday whatever you decide. The easiest option might well be to invite him with clear boundaries. I'll bet he doesn't stay for the whole week once he realizes the attention is mostly on the baby!

no you’re wrong. It IS ALSO your parents holiday. You both paid 50% of the second week, so it’s NOT your holiday and you’ve invited people along.
the first week you’re sharing a holiday with IL’s, both paying 50%. The second week you’re sharing a holiday with your family, both paying 50%.
it’s a family holiday, not your holiday.
if you wanted a holiday for you, DH and DS you should not have invited everyone else along and let them pay 50% of that week’s stay.

it is entirely reasonable to tell your brother and the rest of your family that you need some time alone as a couple.

Tell your parents that you won't be able to relax during the week when your in-laws are there and you were looking forward to a week just with them as you have never met your brother's girlfriend so it will be much more difficult to relax and enjoy yourself with a complete stranger present.

Your parents surely should be looking forward to a week with their daughter and grandchild who they must hardly ever see rather than guilt tripping you into inviting your brother.

Hi brother yes we are. Unfortunately there is no room for anyone else to join as DS is sleeping in the spare, now he is a bit bigger he needs space to get a proper sleep.

Or

Yes we are. We have paid 50% of the booking with parents paying 25%. If you are determined to come you will have to have the room allocated for DS. That will be £x amount, would need it transferred to me by x date.

Your sister isn’t paying either? That makes it complicated as it sounds like your parents ‘own’ half of the second week.

also don’t see why your in-laws are coming at all since you live near them.

my husband and I are both American but we immigrated to Scotland a million years ago and our kids were born here. I understand how hard it is for sure and how intense the visits can be.

sounds like there are 4 bedrooms maybe for parents / sister / you / baby. So there’s no bedroom for him ‘unless’ you’re sharing with your baby the first week and therefore are paying half the cost for a house you’re only using 25% of. So maybe tell your brother and parents to pay his share if that would help? I can’t see how your sister can be your guest but not your brother without creating a massive drama.

But surely her parents will know who is there the week before, and that the baby had to go in with parents then. So they’ll know she is lying to avoid her brother coming?

But it’s not just them, her sister is going too!

That's a really tough one. I can see where you are coming from but I can also see why if looks unkind to exclude one member of the family. Having your sister there definitely complicates things. I guess that means you and your parents are contributing towards her holiday but not doing the same for your brother. Would you be ok if he came without his GF?

YABU and you have shot yourself in the foot by inviting everybody and their mother but wanting to exclude only one family member. What possessed you to holiday with so many people? The fact they will subsidise part of the holiday? I’m afraid there isn’t anything you can say that won’t make you look petty and unreasonable if you exclude your brother. Invite him and suck it up. Plan smarter next time.

p.S. You are blaming the wrong person for creating a golden child situation.

Perfection!!!

Can you afford to buy your parents out? If so I would offer that they don’t come if they care more about DB feelings than yours?!

I think in your situation OP I'd be tempted to pull plug on the second week, give parents their 25% back & pay remainder yourself. Just for the sake of bloody peace so you & DH can have quality time together with DS. Holidaying with GPs, DC and siblings is hard work.

Or

Be up front with brother and say "We're there in July but I didn't factor you into the holiday as I haven't heard from you in yonks, we're not close and you don't put in or out with my family. Also, there's no room in the house as DC is in his own room now. We're around this area so if you find accommodation nearby let our DP know."

Life is too short to bow to the golden child or please everyone because everyone expects you to.

OP has said that she hasn't met the girlfriend due to distance so it is more awkward sharing your accommodation with a complete stranger than with family. She obviously gets on with her sister and would possibly be OK with her brother without the girlfriend, but it seems as though they come as a pair.

I’m more on the fence on this one. It sounds like it’s been arranged for your parents and sister to join but he has been left out.

Think about it flipped - say he started a mumsnet thread saying his sister and family were over from America staying in Spain and that he was upset because all his family were going but he hadnt been invited. He then asked about going as he heard there was room but has been told “no” by his sister who he hasn’t seen for yonks.

I think it is fair enough that you don’t want to entertain strangers on your holiday, however you need to be honest with you brother. None of this “no sorry no room” stuff. He presumably has already spoken to your parents and has been told that there is room?

First post nails it.

Could you use that reason, but slightly altered version of it.

Sorry DB, but we're all really struggling with sleep at the moment so we've booked that specifically so we can have a spare room for me or DH to go into when baby is unsettled, otherwise none of us will sleep and we'll all be miserable.

Play on the "miserable jet-lagged baby" thing?

Just say no. Just tell your parents there are already enough people coming and you need the space for baby so that you two can have some space for yourselves. Repeat ad nauseum. Don't give in.

Oh dear, you didn’t like my answer? How unfortunate.

You don’t even need to say no. I’d say “Yes I have. I booked it due to having a very full on and stressful year and wanted to relax with the people that have supported me through it” He’ll know full well he’s not one of them so unless he’s a massive CF he shouldn’t then invite himself.

Also, it’s not really your call, because you shared the costs for that week equally with your parents. They get as much say as you do.

So are they prepared to split the cost of two extra people staying if golden child expects to freeload ?

It hard because OP is inviting her parents and her sister with partner, but not her brother and his partner. It's like a family reunion, but excluding one. I think the brother can't be excluded, but the g/f can be by saying, I just want my family here right now, as it's been a difficult time. I'm not comfortable meeting and hosting someone new right now. Then the brother can decide to go or not.

I don’t understand this “family must all be treated the same”. Why should someone who makes zero effort be treated equally to the people that have supported her and been there for her? It also does him no favours in life because he’ll think he can get what he wants with no effort from him.