Feel like my holiday is going to be ruined AIBU?

[SummertimeWTFery]

So we live in America, where DH is from. All my family are in the UK. DH has some family in Spain. Last year we had our first baby, and while I'm totally in love with my son, it has also been pretty hard going, as I have had to have my baby and get used to being a mum without the support of any of my family, although my parents flew out a few times which was amazing. Soon after I gave birth, I also started a new (much more intense/much more responsibilities) job, so I guess you could say this year has been quite hard for me.

Me and DH decided that this summer, we would rent a house in Spain for 2 weeks. For the first week, his family are joining us. Now full disclaimer: his parents live in America very near us, and they have been really difficult to deal with. I won't go into the details because otherwise this thread would be epic 😆 But honestly, it's been so hard and I've felt so unsupported.
After this first week of holiday, I was really looking forward to the second week, with my own family: my parents, and my sister, who I'm close to, as well as her DP, who i have known for years.

Here's the part I'm struggling with. I have a brother, and let's just say we have a more complicated relationship. Hes not a bad person AT ALL, its just I've always felt like he gets let off the hook for pretty much everything, especially when we were growi g up. He's like the golden child in our family, and it really grates on me. He never bothers with staying in touch or buying family members gifts, etc etc. You know the type. He has a girlfriend. Me and DB have always had a slightly distant relationship. He's just messaged me to say "I heard you're renting a house in Spain this summer. What are the dates? :)" and I'm so fucking pissed off. BTW, this is the first contact I've had from him in FIVE MONTHS. I guess because I just feel like it's so entitled, like I've had to organise this whole holiday and pay €€€€ for the house (also our flights, although that's not his problem obviously) and as usual, he's just going to freeload. I've never met his GF because of the distance, but i just don't fancy my one week where I can relax being spent "getting to know" someone. I just want to be able to relax with the people I love that week, with no pressure. Because he's thr golden child though, my parents are acting like I'm being unreasonable and hurtful. I don't know, am I overreacting? I just feel like my holiday (in America we get so little time off btw) has now turned into two weeks of fucking duty. I don't want to be estranged from my brother but I also feel like: why should I just pay for and serve you up a holiday? Were all in our 30s btw.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! X

Sorry DB, but we're all really struggling with sleep at the moment so we've booked that specifically so we can have a spare room for me or DH to go into when baby is unsettled, otherwise none of us will sleep and we'll all be miserable.

I really like this! I'd make sure to use it, so it's not disingenuous as parents will be there.

It seems he already does. 😂
I hear you, though.

OP sometimes you have to acknowledge that you're stuck between something that makes you feel uncomfortable and something that's going to upset somebody close to you. You also need to acknowledge that there are certain actions that will make it obvious that you like somebody more than somebody else. You surely don't need telling that inviting one sibling to go on holiday with you but not the other (especially when it's their only chance to see your baby) makes it really obvious that you prefer that sibling.

There is no right or wrong answer. Only you know the complexities of your relationships with your families and you have to do what's right for you and your child. I can tell you that my PIL and SIL have never really liked me or my dh. They have never tried to hide the fact that they prefer each other to us and care more for each other. As a result they've really let us down when we needed them and we have quite a superficial and cold relationship with each other. This now means that my dd isn't close to them either but PIL are basically second parents to SIL's children. It's their perogative as grown adults. However I can't put into words how heartbreaking it is and I don't think our relationship will ever recover.

That might just about fly if OP was paying for it all herself, but she isn’t.

Plus she has given birth and started a new job, appreciate these are both big things but happen to many of us and feels odd to pitch it as needing a holiday with supporters to recuperate.

I would go the opposite direction “Hi DB, I didn’t think a holiday with a baby would be your style. Once she’s up at 6am so is the rest of the household! We had hoped to use the spare bedroom for her in week 2 so we could actually get some time as a couple. You and Debbie ok with sharing with your niece ? “.

But next time you want a relaxing holiday don’t book a mansion and invite everyone along.

Sorry your nice holiday is not what you planned OP. I agree your DB is a slight CF but can understand why he would think it was ok if the rest of your close family are there, and I don’t understand why you planned to go away with the in-laws in the first place. I think I’d just pull out and leave them all to it… have a relaxing time at home and then book the holiday you want (no guests!!) next year!

Been thinking about this and agree with the poster above that you have a choice to make between making people upset with you or perhaps making yourself upset. Is there any possibility that your brother wants to reconnect? My brother and I have never been super close - he’s autistic and has social challenges and I wasn’t always great about understanding it. My parents babied him and it created a lot of resentment. We didn’t see much of each other for years.

BUT - when I had my kids it all shifted. I think he started thinking about what he wants in his life in a different way. He came to visit us overseas and was so excited to meet his niece and then nephew. He sends birthday gifts and wants to hear all their news and visits once a year. It’s not always easy and it’s no necessarily the sort of relationship that other people have with their siblings but it’s lovely. There’s nothing wrong with having family who interact with you in lots of different ways, particularly as an immigrant.

I think if you don’t invite him you are closing a door, possibly forever. This might be fine with you of course - no reason not to disengage from toxic family - but just be cautious if you can see any sort of future here as it will be you choosing to say no.

I think this is the reality of life as an ex-pat.

I recall one trip when DC turned 1 and we had let an extraordinary house on a beach. It was an absolute revolving door of family - and our last night we were alone and I burst into tears because I had not even noticed the view over the entire two weeks. But, it’s important to keep the relationships going and we’re the ones who left.

I have a brother a bit like this OP, so you have my total sympathy. I call him GoldenBalls.

However, life is short and this is the whole family together yes? Personally I think it might be better to embrace it, spend time with everyone, and get to know the new GF (who may end up being a long term member of the family).

I say this as someone with very elderly parents now, and a brother abroad - and who wishes we'd all spent more time together when we could.

Well don’t they sound lovely

You and your dh are parents now Op

between the two of you, you need to build a spine

The bit where you called him an entitled twat and told her “fuck him”.

He’s simply asked what dates his sister will be on the same continent as him and she’s happy for every man and his dog to come but not her brother. Or his gf who she’s never met but has already decided she doesn’t like.

I don’t think I’d fancy going away with any of the adults in this scenario

Isn’t the sister a freeloader too in that case?

As a parent of adult children, I would find it upsetting if one of them told the other not to come. Could he find a local air bnb so he can see you all, meet his dn and yet have private time with his gf-and you get the space you want?

But you’d ask why presumably?

Deleted as full of typos 😩😩

Not if she was invited, and presumably she will pay her way with any day to day expenses - OP hasn’t said otherwise.

Having read your posts, it’s difficult. He’s not a bad person, a softie, just gets away with stuff? You say you don’t like his GF but you’ve never actually met her? You’ve invited your other sibling but not him? And your parents are paying half the rental for the time they are there? Have a good think-you sound a bit Princess Tippy Toes if I’m honest.

Your parents are paying half for the week that they are coming, I don't think you can unilaterally decide who's coming. It would be easier if your sister wasn't going because then you could just say you want quality time with your parents, but excluding one sibling is impossible to do without causing bad feelings.

You're putting your parents in an awful position. You can't expect them to pay half for a holiday (which makes it their holiday too, regardless of who originally organised it) and tell one of their three children that they're not welcome.

You could ask both your sister and brother to pray their way though, that might put him off.

Oof. Quite the dripfeed. Until I read this I thought a simple no room at the inn would suffice but it’s mean to have invited one sibling and not the other

Thank you for all your replies and giving me different perspectives. We had to get a 4 bed house because of the size of the ILs family. My parents have said they will cover brother and sisters share, but then why not our share too in that case 😅 my brother is on a good salary! Re my brothers GF, I hust don't like her vibe. Also, she happened to be in our city in America a year or so ago and couldn't even be bothered to meet with me for a drink.

You're putting your parents in an awful position. You can't expect them to pay half for a holiday (which makes it their holiday too, regardless of who originally organised it) and tell one of their three children that they're not welcome.

The only way to accommodate everyone the first week was to have the baby in the same room as OP and her DH - the plan was for OP to move the baby into the vacated room for the second week. She won’t be able to do that because DB and his GF will be in it. So presumably if parents want DB and his GF to come for the second week they won’t mind moving the baby into their room so that OP and her DH can have some actual quality time on a holiday that they have paid for too.

So you are there 2 weeks and week 1 your family are joining you and week 2 DH's family which for now is parents and sister. CF brother wants to come with his horrible gf and you don't want either of them there? Is that right? Seriously, just say oh no or you will spend the forthcoming months dreading the holiday and then the week together in misery.

"sorry DB there isn't a spare room for you - happy to give you details of where we're staying if you want to book an airbnb nearby?" And put your baby in the spare room before DH's family arrive.

It's quite telling that you're happy to put up with your in-laws coming, (who you seem to have had quite enough of!) but are angered by your brother wanting to attend. Agree with PP who said that you seem to be projecting your frustrations on to him in some way? I don't see any indication in his message that he expected his gf to attend either.

Would your sister back you up? I'd ask her to put your side with your parents. Maybe she could guilt trip them like they're guilt tripping you!

I'm guessing they want golden child to be there. I think you just need to say no and that you need that extra room for your son. If they pull the we're paying towards this point out you're paying half of their week too. Be firm. Remind yourself and him that you barely hear from him normally but he's welcome to come and see you in the States (he won't) or hire a AirBnB in Spain (he won't). He just wants a freebie and if he comes it'll be all about him - mealtimes to accommodate him, beach trips to the rocky cove that's a nightmare with a buggy etc. Stay firm.