Feel like my holiday is going to be ruined AIBU?

[SummertimeWTFery]

So we live in America, where DH is from. All my family are in the UK. DH has some family in Spain. Last year we had our first baby, and while I'm totally in love with my son, it has also been pretty hard going, as I have had to have my baby and get used to being a mum without the support of any of my family, although my parents flew out a few times which was amazing. Soon after I gave birth, I also started a new (much more intense/much more responsibilities) job, so I guess you could say this year has been quite hard for me.

Me and DH decided that this summer, we would rent a house in Spain for 2 weeks. For the first week, his family are joining us. Now full disclaimer: his parents live in America very near us, and they have been really difficult to deal with. I won't go into the details because otherwise this thread would be epic 😆 But honestly, it's been so hard and I've felt so unsupported.
After this first week of holiday, I was really looking forward to the second week, with my own family: my parents, and my sister, who I'm close to, as well as her DP, who i have known for years.

Here's the part I'm struggling with. I have a brother, and let's just say we have a more complicated relationship. Hes not a bad person AT ALL, its just I've always felt like he gets let off the hook for pretty much everything, especially when we were growi g up. He's like the golden child in our family, and it really grates on me. He never bothers with staying in touch or buying family members gifts, etc etc. You know the type. He has a girlfriend. Me and DB have always had a slightly distant relationship. He's just messaged me to say "I heard you're renting a house in Spain this summer. What are the dates? :)" and I'm so fucking pissed off. BTW, this is the first contact I've had from him in FIVE MONTHS. I guess because I just feel like it's so entitled, like I've had to organise this whole holiday and pay €€€€ for the house (also our flights, although that's not his problem obviously) and as usual, he's just going to freeload. I've never met his GF because of the distance, but i just don't fancy my one week where I can relax being spent "getting to know" someone. I just want to be able to relax with the people I love that week, with no pressure. Because he's thr golden child though, my parents are acting like I'm being unreasonable and hurtful. I don't know, am I overreacting? I just feel like my holiday (in America we get so little time off btw) has now turned into two weeks of fucking duty. I don't want to be estranged from my brother but I also feel like: why should I just pay for and serve you up a holiday? Were all in our 30s btw.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! X

She doesn't sound happy about this at all. Maybe she's having to keep the peace with her husband/his family and in return gets a peaceful second week. You obviously don't understand about golden children. It'll be all about him and OP won't get any support or understanding around the baby's needs.

“We’re there from July x to y. We’re staying in this village, if you want to look up Air BnB in the area. It would be great to see you.”

”No, mum’s wrong, there isn’t a spare room. That’s the baby’s room. It’s not exactly a restful holiday for DH and me if we have the baby in our room for a fortnight!”

Okay, so think of a number and send your DB a bill saying 'This is how much your contribution is'.

Maybe he won't come if it's not a freebie.

TBH I think the good ship Peaceful Holiday sailed when you decided to spend it with your entire family, but that's just me!

But the first week with her husband's family is super supportive? She could bin the in-laws off and have a peaceful first week instead.

Week 1 is his parents, plus his brother and brothers wife and their kids.
Week 2 is my parents, my sister and her DP, and my brother (?)

No she can't. It's much harder to stand up to ILs. Anyway that was all agreed/arranged. This is changing the goalposts.

Well that's sorted then - parents/in-laws are each paying 25% for 2 rooms for 1 week and you are paying 50% for your 2 rooms for 2 weeks. Baby is in their own room so there isn't one spare - end of conversation just tell him there's no room unless he shares with sister (which wold at least prevent gf coming). And have a word with your husband to ensure he knows you won't be running around after his family as it's your holiday too.

Not a drip feed. Was in the OP.

I'd find it significantly easier to stand up to my in-laws! Anyway, just a difference of opinion. We all have our own family dynamics that will influence our responses, ours are clearly not aligning but such is life!

@SummertimeWTFery - for me, unless you’re happy to alienate your DB, the fact that your sister and her partner are coming really changes things (I confess I didn’t spot that in the OP). It might be different if your in-laws weren’t also coming (and it sounds a real shame that they are, given you see them all the time anyway and don’t get on) but it reads that you want to exclude your brother from a holiday in which everyone else is included. How would you feel if you were in his shoes? Only you can judge how much this would bother you and whether you’re willing to deal with the fallout.

I think you are being quite mean to your brother. You’ve invited everyone else, but you don’t want him. You obviously have your reasons, but it seems like DB isn’t aware of how you really feel about him and how much resentment you have towards him.

It’s a bit ridiculous to say you don’t like his gf when you’ve never met her.

And if you keep allowing people to push you around don’t then complain about things not going your way. Why should other people advocate for your needs if you don’t do that for yourself? nobody respects martyrs.

I can’t see how you can justify saying no.

@SummertimeWTFery if I had never met my dp family, I’d not be imposing myself on them if I happened to be in their city, not without my DP to accompany me.

you're being too harsh in this regard

But the week before the in laws are paying 25% for three rooms and the OP 25% for one room. She’s happy to share with the baby for her in laws to come, but not her own brother

If your parents paid for 25%, tell them he wants to come and stay and sleep in their room
See how much they love him then

Because she booked and arranged the holiday
Because she’s paying for 2 rooms
Because there is no spare room
Because her brother hasn’t been in contact in 5 months and is after a freebie.
Because she doesn’t know his GF.
Because she wants to.
More than enough justification

I cannot see how the finances are sensible here if you are paying for half the week and getting 25% of the space and then paying for half the week and getting 50% of the space. Something isn't right.

Also no idea why you are holidaying in Spain with your American side of the family at the expense of time with your own family who you never see but that's your choice.

We have a ridiculous amount of juggling every year between 3 sets of grandparents (my parents are divorced) and 3 different locations and lots of annoying issues between it all. So I get that there's often no good answer.

The only thing for you to decide really is if you're happy to cut your brother off forever and deal with your parents being upset. That's up to you and either option is fine as clearly none of us know the whole story. I went full NC with my mom's brother years ago and have regretted nothing. I made a lot of effort with my own brother despite it being one-sided for a while and also don't regret that. There's no way there won't be some sort of fallout from this with someone so it's up to you which way feels the best to you.

You want to invite all of your and your husbands direct family members, parents and siblings, but leave out one of your siblings while inviting the other.

Sorry, there's no way to do that without really offending the one left-out sibling. It's like inviting the whole class but one to a party. If you don't want one person there you CANNOT invite all the others but that one without causing offence.

Obviously it's up to you if your brother is awful and you don't mind offending him but it sounds like he's not really done anything wrong.

So you are inviting DH whole family the first week and your whole family minus DB on the second. In that case don’t be surprised if excluding you DB causes a lasting rift. You need to decide if you want a relationship with him or not. If it were me he would be invited.

Just reply "Fantastic, we were looking for extra baby sitters so we can go and enjoy a few quiet meals on our own"

But the problem is, you see it as “your” holiday and want to control the narrative of it (understandable), but you parents are paying for half of the house for the week they are with you and presumably they see it as “their” holiday too.
I'm guessing from their point of view, your sister and her partner are being treated to a free holiday so why shouldn’t your brother and his partner get the same. Your parents won’t want him excluded. I wonder how your sister feels about your brother?
I can only see the solution being you pluck up the courage to be honest and open with your parents, that you don’t get on with your brother and don’t want him on the trip.

OP herself says he’s entitled and knows he wants to stay in the house, but you know better, right?

It’s not horrible to not want to subsidise an entitled twat.

That’s not how it works. OP invited them and OP found the house, so she decides who can come. Just because they’re paying 25% doesn’t mean they get to decide to invite others. If they had an issue with it they should have ASKED when OP invited them.

OP, if your parents do browbeat/guilt trip you into agreeing, remember that you never have to go on holiday with them again.

Just invite your sister in future and go 50/50.