Feel like my holiday is going to be ruined AIBU?

[SummertimeWTFery]

So we live in America, where DH is from. All my family are in the UK. DH has some family in Spain. Last year we had our first baby, and while I'm totally in love with my son, it has also been pretty hard going, as I have had to have my baby and get used to being a mum without the support of any of my family, although my parents flew out a few times which was amazing. Soon after I gave birth, I also started a new (much more intense/much more responsibilities) job, so I guess you could say this year has been quite hard for me.

Me and DH decided that this summer, we would rent a house in Spain for 2 weeks. For the first week, his family are joining us. Now full disclaimer: his parents live in America very near us, and they have been really difficult to deal with. I won't go into the details because otherwise this thread would be epic 😆 But honestly, it's been so hard and I've felt so unsupported.
After this first week of holiday, I was really looking forward to the second week, with my own family: my parents, and my sister, who I'm close to, as well as her DP, who i have known for years.

Here's the part I'm struggling with. I have a brother, and let's just say we have a more complicated relationship. Hes not a bad person AT ALL, its just I've always felt like he gets let off the hook for pretty much everything, especially when we were growi g up. He's like the golden child in our family, and it really grates on me. He never bothers with staying in touch or buying family members gifts, etc etc. You know the type. He has a girlfriend. Me and DB have always had a slightly distant relationship. He's just messaged me to say "I heard you're renting a house in Spain this summer. What are the dates? :)" and I'm so fucking pissed off. BTW, this is the first contact I've had from him in FIVE MONTHS. I guess because I just feel like it's so entitled, like I've had to organise this whole holiday and pay €€€€ for the house (also our flights, although that's not his problem obviously) and as usual, he's just going to freeload. I've never met his GF because of the distance, but i just don't fancy my one week where I can relax being spent "getting to know" someone. I just want to be able to relax with the people I love that week, with no pressure. Because he's thr golden child though, my parents are acting like I'm being unreasonable and hurtful. I don't know, am I overreacting? I just feel like my holiday (in America we get so little time off btw) has now turned into two weeks of fucking duty. I don't want to be estranged from my brother but I also feel like: why should I just pay for and serve you up a holiday? Were all in our 30s btw.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! X

That is your excuse, not enough room as you want DS to have his own room.

I can't say whether YABU or not as it really does depend on your relationship i.e has he never made any effort with you. I couldn't leave out my brother but he includes me and my family, makes the effort to visit and I also adore my niece.

Tell him there’s no room. Tell your parents you don’t want a stranger there (his girlfriend).

Sorry OP, now you are starting to sound VERY entitled. You now would like your parents to pay the entire cost for the second week???? So you’ll have a free holiday, just because DB wants to come along?? Please listen to yourself. This is ultimate princess behaviour.

as for the girlfriend, you never met her, yet you “just don’t like her vibe”. You sound like a very open minded, loving person.

I cannot believe what I just read.

Are you even listening to yourself? OP wants to be treated the same as her brother and sister. Her parents want to pay for her brother and sister, but not OP! Of course that’s going to hurt her!

Plus these people think it’s ok to invite other people on a holiday OP organised and booked, which is just rude.

This works. You may have to stand up for yourself or completely capitulate. Whichever, I wish you well and hope you enjoy some part of the holiday.

I wouldn’t say no outright but I’d want to say what I needed ;
Hi DB, We’ve planned this trip as a relaxing holiday, which is what I need right now. Happy to share the dates if you’d like to get accommodation nearby? In future, if you’re thinking of joining, just let us know before we book and we can look at renting somewhere with enough space and splitting the costs.

Comments to nip that gaslighting from the parents in the bud

1. Let's agree to disagree 2)That's your perspective not mine
2. I trust my own instincts
3. I appreciate that's your reality but it's not mine

Tell your brother there isn't room as you have booked in accordance to the number of guests and he wasn't included in that. If you barely see him just be honest with him, it doesn't sound like you'll be losing a relationship with him. Your family is now your husband and child, your parents and siblings are now the relatives 😬 it's difficult I know, I've been through something similar. Now lc with mine

True, in a sense. But also vulnerable to attack by OP's parents. The arrangement for the vacation was that OP would pay half the second week and get half the rooms the second week - one room for herself and husband, one room for her baby. Even if her parents pay the cost of the room that would have gone to the baby, it still fundamentally reduces OP's enjoyment of the vacation, because she and her husband will not have the private room they planned for. It's a change to the basic agreement. Additionally, since OP only gets two weeks of vacation per year, it also impacts her final opportunity to enjoy a vacation this year. It is not fair to OP for her parents to change the vacation goalposts at the last minute like this, benefitting their son's enjoyment of the vacation by ruining it for OP.

But OPs DPs do not know that inviting their DS will ruin it for OP. They presumably think it is a family holiday, what with them paying their fair share and with their other DD being invited. Sure they should have ran it past OP first, but also if DB being there was a deal breaker to OP she should have said so at the beginning.

Actually, as an adult brother should be chipping in himself.

This is one of those situations where yes, you can do what you want, but you're not in control of the consequences.

Sure, tell your brother he's an entitled twat and to fuck off, like some of the more unpleasant posters are suggesting. You won't have a relationship with him any more (maybe you won't miss that), your relationship with your parents will probably be deeply damaged and your sister will be caught in the middle. Those are obvious and inevitable consequences. And tbh you're on thin ice when it comes to them already, because you made the decision to organise a family holiday and exclude ONE person. Did you think he wouldn't hear about it?! Did you really think leaving one person out would pass without comment?

I get that his presence isn't conducive to perfect relaxation for you but you torpedoed that dream yourself with your bloody stupid "all family in one house" holiday idea, which was inevitably going to lead to this exact situation on top of the in-laws nightmare. If you wanted a relaxing holiday I cannot fathom what led you to organise THIS.

Also, your justifications for not liking the girlfriend put you in a very bad light. Why was she passing through your city - for work? Could it be that she had a schedule that was too busy to allow her to go drinking with someone she'd never met? And "just don't like her vibe" is a huge red flag to me; what you're saying is you've judged her by her Instagram.

At this stage I'd probably advise just having the massive family argument that you've obviously restrained yourself from so far. Tell your parents and your brother exactly why you don't want him there and why you can't stand his presence. Have it out with them. A big blow-up might actually lead to a bit of self-reflection from all parties. Or it might not, but the rift is coming your way inevitably, so you may as well be honest about it.

How is it not everyone’s holiday? If it’s purely your holiday, then pay 100%!

So you’ve invited all your family except your brother and you wonder if YaBU? You are.

It sounds like you think you’re the centre of the universe because you chose to live in America, have a baby and a new job. News flash - that’s pretty normal. Loads of people don’t live near their parents and go on to have their own family.

Climb down off your high horse and stop being unkind. Your parents have paid for their part of the holiday and will be entitled to invite him. I hope they do.

In some ways though it is her holiday. She planned it and invited who she wanted to share it with, even if parents are chipping in for their own rooms. She wants a separate room for her child, and fair enough, that's what she booked. I do agree she does seem to have some negative feelings towards her brother though which goes beyond just wanted quality time with her parents.

Most people who travel for work don't get much downtime. It's straight from airport ot car to work then home as the workplace is paying costs and wants value.

That would be the mature way to handle it. Brother probably won't hang around family much during holiday anyway. Her problem with brother is unclear too. Surely if it's because she doesn't see him much this would be a good opportunity to bond. She may even really like the gf. She is actually giving off sibling jealousy vibes, but I could be wrong.

I understand being closer to one sibling than another. I am one of four and my older sister is my best friend in the world.

I would never, EVER invite all but one sibling on a holiday or a party or any kind of family gathering. You are being really mean.

I have 3 teenage DC and if were your parents I would bow out.

How would you feel if your sibling invited everyone but you? And then you found out others paid for themselves? So basically it’s a joint holiday that only you aren’t invited to. Feel nice? No, you’d feel shitty.

Leaving one person out isn’t kind.