Feel like my holiday is going to be ruined AIBU?

[SummertimeWTFery]

So we live in America, where DH is from. All my family are in the UK. DH has some family in Spain. Last year we had our first baby, and while I'm totally in love with my son, it has also been pretty hard going, as I have had to have my baby and get used to being a mum without the support of any of my family, although my parents flew out a few times which was amazing. Soon after I gave birth, I also started a new (much more intense/much more responsibilities) job, so I guess you could say this year has been quite hard for me.

Me and DH decided that this summer, we would rent a house in Spain for 2 weeks. For the first week, his family are joining us. Now full disclaimer: his parents live in America very near us, and they have been really difficult to deal with. I won't go into the details because otherwise this thread would be epic 😆 But honestly, it's been so hard and I've felt so unsupported.
After this first week of holiday, I was really looking forward to the second week, with my own family: my parents, and my sister, who I'm close to, as well as her DP, who i have known for years.

Here's the part I'm struggling with. I have a brother, and let's just say we have a more complicated relationship. Hes not a bad person AT ALL, its just I've always felt like he gets let off the hook for pretty much everything, especially when we were growi g up. He's like the golden child in our family, and it really grates on me. He never bothers with staying in touch or buying family members gifts, etc etc. You know the type. He has a girlfriend. Me and DB have always had a slightly distant relationship. He's just messaged me to say "I heard you're renting a house in Spain this summer. What are the dates? :)" and I'm so fucking pissed off. BTW, this is the first contact I've had from him in FIVE MONTHS. I guess because I just feel like it's so entitled, like I've had to organise this whole holiday and pay €€€€ for the house (also our flights, although that's not his problem obviously) and as usual, he's just going to freeload. I've never met his GF because of the distance, but i just don't fancy my one week where I can relax being spent "getting to know" someone. I just want to be able to relax with the people I love that week, with no pressure. Because he's thr golden child though, my parents are acting like I'm being unreasonable and hurtful. I don't know, am I overreacting? I just feel like my holiday (in America we get so little time off btw) has now turned into two weeks of fucking duty. I don't want to be estranged from my brother but I also feel like: why should I just pay for and serve you up a holiday? Were all in our 30s btw.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! X

My sister definitely gets the golden child status and can find it irritating/has clashed eith him before, but for some reason it just doesn't get under her skin as much. I think because I'm closer in age to him than she is. She has a fairly good relationship with him but me and her are closer. She's more of the opinion that what with the distance i should just let it go, but realises it's not her holiday plan so not her shout. She was also initially planning on just staying at a nearby campsite or BnB or something with her DP for space.

So what have you decided to do, OP?

Having now read your most recent posts OP, you could say to your parents that you're paying half of the cost of the house for their week, so you should each have 2 bedrooms to do with what you wish. Therefore, your parents can have their room, and you sister and her partner their second room. Then you get your room and your child gets your second room. There really isn't room for your brother if you look at it like this.

However, the fact that you neglected to mention initially that your sister is also bringing her partner, makes it even more tricky for you to tell DB that if he comes he can't bring his GF.

I think now, that your best bet is to use the first scenario above, and tell your parents they're free to invite who they want in their second room, but your DB is NOT having YOUR second room, your baby is. They really can't argue with that in my opinion.

To be fair I think you are being massively unreasonable! I’d be absolutely gutted if in future one of my children acted like this about the other. We all want our children to get on.

He sounds harmless to me - he clearly wants to hang out with you all and I don’t really see the problem.

if I were your parents I’d be really disappointed by your behaviour.

My brother is a bit like yours and I just fondly roll my eyes at him because he is fundamentally a good man and he’s my brother

Absolutely this, the first senario!

If you have paid 50% of the second week and there are 4 bedrooms, you get 50% of the bedrooms. So a room for you and a room for baby. If DB comes he owes you 25% of the money. If your parents cover that, then it is also quite unfair that they’re paying for both your siblings but not you, although I guess they could argue they spend a lot on flights to visit you in the US.

But it also does sound a bit unfair to exclude just your DB on a family holiday.

So you don't like your brother's girlfriend, but you wanted her to contact you about going out for a drink with her on her own? Wouldn't that meeting have been incredibly awkward?

He sounds harmless?

She had a baby, he hasn't been in touch to see how she is, how the baby is?

Harmless?

He's not been in touch for 5 months and now when shes organised a holiday hes popped up, hes after a freebie holiday, tagging his GF on as well who didn't even speak to OP when they met last time.

Harmless?

Golden child, always gets his own way.

OP organised this holiday. For her and her family to enjoy. She doesn't like the brother or the gf. but you think she should let them freeload regardless?

Do you really accept and promote this type of bad behaviour in your relationships? Youd rather they all just "get on" rather than tackling the toxic because its easier. Just because they are siblings doesn't mean they like each other, especiallywhen one acts badly.

Many people on this thread are harping on about the "golden child" however a golden child status can be created only by the parents. OP is getting upset at the wrong person when it comes to this. Address this with your parents, not with your brother...if you dig your heels him and exclude him you will lose the moral high ground.

Gosh you sound like hard work OP, being upset the girlfriend didn't meet you when she was in town -- presumably it was a holiday or business trip, she must have had lots of things on, and it would be awkward to meet you without your brother there. You're just looking for reasons to dislike her, how do you even know what her vibe is?

You cannot invite everyone from your respective families except one person. You just can't. He hasn't done anything to you to deserve that, not calling for a few months is not a capital offence.

I think you, wait for it, need to be the bigger person and invite your brother. He's different than you and said he's not a bad guy. Give him a chance and try to enjoy having him around. It should be a family affair since everyone else will be there. If you can tolerate husband's family, surely you can tolerate your not so bad brother.

I think your answer could be a list of airbnbs nearby and say you’d love to catch up, yet you must be honest with everyone and say how difficult it has been over the last year, and that you wanted a week of getting your little one used to sleeping alone while you had your parents help.

Can't he stay nearby?

My brother was like this. I called him out on his behaviour - always turning up when he wanted a bed for the night etc. I lived in London at the time, so whenever he fancied a weekend trip, I was the one he contacted. Otherwise I never heard from him. Anyway, long and short of it was that parents sided with him and he decided to not speak to me again. It’s been over 25 years now but I can’t say I miss him.

It does feel unfair to have organized a holiday and invited one sibling and left out another. I get you’re not as close to him and he seems like he can’t be arsed with you but I would feel gutted if my whole family was going on holiday together and leaving me out.

If you didn’t want him there then you shouldn’t have invited your sister. Also the room thing although valid, looks a bit petty when you’re sharing the room with your baby the first week.

I don’t think there’s any way to say no without it coming back on you as being the unreasonable one tbh.

You are going with your husbands family who you say you have had pretty major difficulties with. Yet leaving out your brother who you describe as a big softie. I don't see why he's a cf .As part of your family I presume he thought he would be welcome on the holiday his parents and sibling are joining you on.

You sound thoughtless and actually quite unkind.

I had something similar happen to me once, I just had to say 'really sorry but I'm celebrating xx, and I've only invited xx people'
People will freeload from you whenever they get a chance

How about?

Dear brother,

As you know our first week in Spain is tied up with a houseful of inlaws.

Life with a small child is incredibly hectic and balancing work, homelife, a non sleeping child and limited holidays is a real challenge.

At home, lovely child x generally sleeps in our room. One of the reasons we booked a four bed is so that we can move him to his room in week two. This is so we can have SEX and a lot of it I had hoped.

Frankly with all the above pressures we don’t get enough SEX and this was our discrete opportunity to FULLY enjoy each other again. We are both horny as hell and couldn’t/can’twait to jump each other's bones.

Unfortunately following your recent message, mum and dad are hell bent on you taking the fourth room mostly scuppering our BIG SEX plans. Obviously I can’t explain this to them! We have discussed how we might grab some QUICKIES/BLOW JOBS etc when child x is being entertained by you all (maybe we can sneak into a kitchen or garden area or something), but it is not really ideal.

Have you any thoughts and suggestions 1. On approaching parents with this without telling them this, 2. On how we use this opportunity to have sex

Thanks

OP clearly invited her out for a drink and said she ‘couldn’t be arsed’. Here’s a thought. Maybe that’s why OP doesn’t like her.

Maybe she doesn't want both weeks of the holiday to be ruined. I presume that her DH has insisted on invitiing his parents so she can't do anything about that but to spend a second week with a brother she doesn't get on with and his girlfriend who she hasn't met is just too much.

You haven’t really explained how she can bin the in laws off when they’ve paid 25% of the holiday.

Quickly invite someone else

Bro: What are the dates?
You: Xxx - Xxxx
Bro:Great me and x will be there
You- Wow, Ive not even heard from you in 5 months! Sorry bro but you'll have to get your own apartment if you want to come, space is limited and Ive not met your gf and i really just need to spend my hols unwinding not socialising. If you want to come and can make it work, i can help you find somewhere close by?

Then when your parents come with the guilt trip, you say...with all due respect he was never part of this plan, ive not heard from him in 5 months and I have a baby /husband to think about.

Have you contacted him in the last 5 months?
It works both ways.

OP and her DH are paying 50% of 2 weeks. The two sets of parents are paying 50% of the 1 week they are there. Sounds as though siblings aren't paying, so both OP and parents are subsidizing them. It would only be completely fair if OP paid 25% (1 room for 2 weeks) and the occupants of each of the other 3 rooms (6 couples @ 1 week each) paid 12.5% .