DP’s ‘work wife’ will end my relationship

[NicoleJ9]

I need to start this by explaining that my previous relationship ended because my ex had a ‘work wife’ which developed into more than a friendship between colleagues. She was quite a bit older than him (50 compared to him being early 30’s) and he said he fell for her. Overnight work trips were actually them spending nights together in hotels. He disappeared on the morning of my birthday saying he could only get a half day from work when he was actually at her house. This was denied for a long time until I caught him out and he confessed. It broke me and it took years to build up to dating again.

I’ve been with current DP for just over a year. He is brilliant and knows all about what happened in the past and how hurt I was. He’s always said that he finds ‘work wife/husband’ to be an insulting term to real life partners and would not put himself in that position (he does have a corporate office job).

DP and I were out at the weekend and saw one of his colleagues out who came over and had a chat. He was perfectly polite and they were having a laugh about work. His colleague said ‘I saw X out earlier’ and turned to me and said ‘have you met her yet, that’s his work wife. Don’t worry, she’s old enough to be his Mum’. I laughed and said no and my DP looked incredibly sheepish and moved the conversation on.

DP admitted when his colleague had left that this was true but it means nothing and he was protecting me by not telling me. I went home immediately and told him I need space. We’ve not spoken properly since and I am still devastated.

I feel as though I must end the relationship. I don’t have anyone in real life I’m comfortable in confiding in at the moment, do you think I’m being over the top?

Kindly YABU. He’s not your ex.

Why don't you talk to him? The fact you didn't know about her and his work hasn't impacted on your life suggests you are letting your past control your future.

People use that phrase when it's female and male friends at work. It's stupid and old fashioned but it doesn't mean anything. His colleague that said it won't know your past with your ex so is just being silly.
Did you not want him to have any work friends? As that is unreasonable. I get why you feel the way you do but he will be friendly to the people he works with.

I think the term ‘work wife’ is deeply depressing because it seems to think all male-female friendships or collegial relationships operate off a heterosexual marital model. And I think you’re overreacting, Your ex had some form of affair with his colleague. This was not because she was his ‘work wife’. Are you suggesting that current partner isn’t allowed to make opposite-sex friends at work in case he has an affair with them?

Don’t throw a good thing away based on past trauma.
It was your DP’s colleague that referred to her as “work wife”, they won’t know that it would have hurt you.
Your DP may have a friendly but professional relationship with this woman but he may not refer to her as his work wife.
How has your partner been towards you since this happened?

I put yanbu.

I totally get people saying ‘don’t judge this relationship by past trauma’ and that’s true, but you discussed this specific scenario with your DP and he appears to have disregarded your personal boundary.

Have you asked him what has given the impression to others that this woman is the “work wife”? Have colleagues used that term before? If so, did it prompt any reflection and changed behaviour on his part?

Is ‘work wife’ a common term? I e never heard it outside of this forum

I’ve certainly heard it in RL, though it suggests to me that the person using it isn’t the sharpest.

100% agree. You set a boundary and he's ignored it, even if it seems silly to other people it isn't to you and that's what matters. I also find the idea of the work husband/wife disrespectful and have been cheated on with a work colleague, my current partner knows that's not something I joke around with.

I am amazed at the votes.

I do think your initial reaction is understandable given your past experience (which was awful) but I think, gently, You are overreacting here.

If he knows about your past he likely said nothing because he knew it would cause you upset even though it's nothing.

I would definitely try and talk to him calmly about this before throwing away what is otherwise a good relationship

He miggt not even view it that way.
Someone said thst to me and a lawyer I work with few years ago and we were both "🧐🧐🧐 WTF are you on about? " in our minds the other person who is a sdakeholder we work closely with who isn't a dick...not my "work spouse" 🤢🤮

It's a stupid but common phrase when 2 people of opposite sex work together. It doesn't indicate a friendship never mind an affair. Just a man and women from same dept who attend the same meetings.

Your ex cheated, and that is awful. He cheated because he wanted to and so did she. Not because she was his "work wife"

If it’s no big deal he should have told you, he must have realised it would be worse to find out from someone else. An he also must have known something like this would be a issue for y, so why develop and encourage this work friendship

I get it @NicoleJ9. Exh left me for his "work wife" who was 16 years younger than him. It's not something you just get over. Personally I'm done with relationships now because I feel my trust issues would make things very difficult, but good on you for not locking yourself away like I have.

Maybe some therapy would help?

The work colleague that said this to you was nothing but a nasty shit stirring bitch

Jesus Christ, talk about an overreaction! The work colleague was just making a daft joke, he wasn't to know the history. (Also I think you've assumed the colleague was female based on your choice of words, interesting).

OP, your history is impacting on your present. The issue wasn't that your ex had a 'work wife', it was that he had an affair.

And people are getting really overwrought about the term. I used to work with a guy and would jokingly call him my work husband. We've moved jobs now but he's still one of my best friends. Also, he's gay.

I've only ever known/heard 'work wife' referred to a work relationship that is slightly fractious/nagging - anyone remotely SEXY and no one would use that term IME.

Obviously you have past trauma which is impacting you - but just another perspective.

I'd be incredibly hurt that he hid something from me because he thought it would hurt me...rather than not do the thing he thought would hurt me.

I think he needs to be completely honest about what their relationship entails. Getting on well in the office and working together, having a walk to get a sandwich together. fine. Private cozy lunches, excessive messaging about non work related things, referring to each other as work wife and husband (given he is aware of your history), less fine. I'd also be asking to see his phone (including frequent contacts and looking at content of messages to check for deleted messages)

1 Does he refer to her as his work wife, albeit not in front of you, or is she just a female colleague?

2 are you upset becuase he lied to you about having a work wife (and yes, ridiculous term) or that he has a female colleague he has a close relationship with.

Personally, I think if he thinks of her as his work wife and he's been hiding her, the lie is the main issue here. But if it's just a female colleague that he works closely with and gets on well with.... then the lie is STILL the main issuebut it sounds like he lied because he knew youd' have a melt down.

Not only did he cross a known boundary of yours, he hid/lied about it. It’s even a very similar situation down to it being an older woman, which he also knows.

I’d absolutely get rid of him. It’s awful that you’ve ended up with two partners that are idiotic enough to have “work wives” but I’d have no qualms whatsoever about binning him. It’s disrespectful and immature, and far too often it turns into something worse.

But two colleagues of opposite sex working together isn’t a work wife/husband. A work spouse is someone who is more than a typical colleague. Are VERY familiar with each other and have character go beyond typical colleague chats. Do each other favours etc.

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫
How do you work that one out...?

It would gather zero reaction from me

Also saying she's old enough to be his mum us hardly stirring the pot.

Totally not the point here but surely your ex isn’t still with a woman now approaching her 60s whilst he is early 40s. What a mess. I’m glad you are out of that one.

this time around my upset would be that your partner knows this is a specific trauma for you and he still decided not to be extra vigilant about getting friendly with a specific woman at work. That’s so unnecessary for him to do and that’s why it might be a deal breaker for me

As hard as it is, you need to remind yourself that these are two separate situations, relationships and people. Your current partner is not your ex so try not to judge him by your ex’s behaviour.

It’s absolutely understandable that you’ve felt triggered by this but you need to have a calm conversation with your partner and explain that and ask him what he’s going to do to reassure you that this isn’t a repeat and that you can trust him and then you either have to accept this and choose to trust him or leave.

The thing you cannot do is stay and then continue to question and distrust him.

"I didn't tell you because I knew you'd be upset" is a terrible, damaging foundation to build a relationship on.
That's before even taking into account your (understandably) shaken confidence and trust in relationships.
It doesn't sound like he has what you need in a man to rebuild your faith.

OP, the fact that someone else used the term 'work wife' about one of your husband's colleagues doesn't mean that your husband has a similar relationship with her to the one your ex had with his affair partner.

'Work wife' / 'work husband' is just a daft term that means different things to different people. It wasn't your DP who described his colleague like that - it was someone else who said it! You have no idea what the person who said it even means by 'work wife'. Some people just use it to mean anyone of the opposite sex that you get on well with or work closely with. I'm sure I've had male colleagues that some people would say were my 'work husband' but I'd never use that term myself and I've never had an affair, physical or emotional, with any of them!