DP’s ‘work wife’ will end my relationship

[NicoleJ9]

I need to start this by explaining that my previous relationship ended because my ex had a ‘work wife’ which developed into more than a friendship between colleagues. She was quite a bit older than him (50 compared to him being early 30’s) and he said he fell for her. Overnight work trips were actually them spending nights together in hotels. He disappeared on the morning of my birthday saying he could only get a half day from work when he was actually at her house. This was denied for a long time until I caught him out and he confessed. It broke me and it took years to build up to dating again.

I’ve been with current DP for just over a year. He is brilliant and knows all about what happened in the past and how hurt I was. He’s always said that he finds ‘work wife/husband’ to be an insulting term to real life partners and would not put himself in that position (he does have a corporate office job).

DP and I were out at the weekend and saw one of his colleagues out who came over and had a chat. He was perfectly polite and they were having a laugh about work. His colleague said ‘I saw X out earlier’ and turned to me and said ‘have you met her yet, that’s his work wife. Don’t worry, she’s old enough to be his Mum’. I laughed and said no and my DP looked incredibly sheepish and moved the conversation on.

DP admitted when his colleague had left that this was true but it means nothing and he was protecting me by not telling me. I went home immediately and told him I need space. We’ve not spoken properly since and I am still devastated.

I feel as though I must end the relationship. I don’t have anyone in real life I’m comfortable in confiding in at the moment, do you think I’m being over the top?

With kindness, I think your past is catching up with you here. While I don’t like the term work wife you have no idea the kind of relationship it’s being used for here, for example do they frequently work on projects together or take it in turns to make the tea. There’s currently nothing that suggests it’s anything inappropriate so while I understand your worry I wouldn’t be throwing an otherwise healthy relationship away based on my own fears and assumptions. Communication will be key to seeing if you can navigate this.

I would be upset because he acknowledged he lied to you to avoid you getting upset but he didn’t shut that nonsense down to ensure you wouldn’t be upset. It’s clearly terminology people have used about them before and he should have just said actually I don’t really like the whole work wife/husband thing.

For me, the issue isn’t someone using the term ‘work wife’. It would be him saying he felt it was disrespectful and wouldn’t put himself in that position, but has been doing it.

That’s a weird lie, and the usual “I did it to protect your feelings” explanation doesn’t fit.

But the OP did communicate. She was clear about the things that bothered her and her partner said he agreed. Then he did everything the OP said she found unacceptable and lied about it.

She doesn't know what kind of relationship it is because HE HAS BEEN LYING to her and hasn't told her about this colleague.

What suggests it's inappropriate is the fact that her partner has ADMITTED TO LYING to her about it.

The OP would probably love to have communicated about this but she couldn't because she didn't know it was happening because her partner LIED TO HER ABOUT IT.

I think it’s more the phrase ‘work wife’ which triggered you. The colleague wasn't to know that.

’Work wife’ in our company literally mean someone who is female and works closely throughout the day / talks to a male. It doesn’t mean anything more in usual day to day situations.
DP probably cringed when he heard the term because of your trauma. I don’t think this is anything to worry about.

What did he "admit" to? "Yes, I have a work wife"? That's not even a thing! Have they both agreed that they are "work wife" and "work husband"? I mean if so, then they are all irredeemably stupid and childish anyway, so she might as well leave him.

I imagine he admitted to the fact that some people have said those words in the past. I'd like to know exactly what he admitted to and what the relationship is before I go telling someone the trust in their relationship is irrevocably lost.

YANBU.

I'd have a big problem with anyone who justified lying to me as doing me some kind of favor. We see what his "favor" did for you. And it's BS anyway. He's lying to you to make things easy on himself. And that's with the most generous possibility we can give him now, which is that there actually isn't anything going on between him and his "work wife."

But it wouldn't be especially smart to give the benefit of doubt to someone who has just been caught lying, would it? Also, I notice he didn't tell you himself. You only found out because someone else accidentally outed him. So he's quite capable of carrying on an ongoing lie, lying repeatedly rather than just once.

I think it's safe to say that his way of being in the world is to allow himself to lie to his partner whenever honesty might create a hassle for him. That's not a great trait.

I also have a problem, in a more general sense, of the idea that you're supposed to believe that a woman wouldn't be sexually desired just because she's older. I really doubt that person would have dismissed that person as eligible for romantic or sexual interest if the older person was male. I'm sure that's not the main issue on your mind right now, but, your past experience aside, the misogyny there gave me an additional dose of ick.

I don't know what you should do but I definitely think you're right to have serious doubts about him now. Now watch for further attempts to gaslight you. Good luck.

Has he been doing it? Or has he admitted to the fact that other people have been doing it?

It’s still a very odd thing for his colleague to say. I don’t know many people who would think it perfectly normal to have a “work wife”, or anyone who would think it was acceptable to make that kind of comment to a colleague’s partner. It connotes a level of personal intimacy, even if it is platonically innocent.

Knowing your past and how badly you were hurt, your partner should be apologising to you profusely and going above and beyond to reassure you and make up for what must have been an awful night for you.

YANBU

For me its the fact that he lied about it.

Despite knowing everything.

He lied.

We use work wife/husband for people at work who bicker alot?

This.
Dishonest of him.

@NicoleJ9 Its not about the 'work-wife' or your ex or you being insecure. He knew this was a sore spot for you. He went all out explaining he finds the term disrespectful. And then you find out it is a term he openly uses about a colleague.

So he lied. Made up a false value.
I wouldn't trust him. He's willing to tell you anything to win you over. Not based on reality.

Hate the term. Produces a visceral hatred in me.
It's like a massive overstep at work and givs me massive ick. A manager tried saying it with another manager, he quickly shot her down and told her not to use that term

I honestly cannot believe some of the rubbish being written here. He has confessed to what? Working with a woman in his office? And people advising OP to dump him - everyone's definition of this ridiculous phrase is different! To be honest, I think he should run a mile from the OP if she is not capable of working out for herself what she wants/needs to do. He is guilty of looking sheepish? Jeez.

Pardon me could you point out exactly where I "yelled at someone that trust is broken and relationship is over"??

I said it wasn't good and that much is clear from his sheepish reaction and his admission of something. Clearly OP felt whatever he admitted to wasn't comfortable for her relationship. That might simply be that he didn't shut down other people's comments out of respect to his relationship. May I remind you that you are also filling in with your own imagination and perhaps YOU should find out exactly what he was sheepish about!

He could have dealt with it in a myriad of ways but instead chose to lie and made the OP the excuse for him choosing to lie. It's often the lying that hurts most, after all this "work wife" is just a colleague he gets along with well, surely he'd want OP to know about the people he values even if they are just friendly colleagues?

What does this lie profit anyone. If his work friend is a work friend, then why hide it? OP is a relatively new partner, why would it matter if OP left him over a colleague he gets along with. It would be easier to take the fear out of his work relationships by being open and honest than keeping her a secret and making it look suspicious to someone already on alert.

I'm in no way suggesting OP's DP is having a thing with the other person in any of this even if his choices are badly thoght through. It warrants a discussion about his choices to hide things he knows may upset OP rather than an LTB situation.

We all need to learn to trust and build trust, it's one of the hardest things to gain and the easiest thing to lose. Why put yourself in a situation where you are more likely to lose trust than build it by being transparent about the people in your life.

From my experience these spidey senses often are spot on.
Or, you are being a little paranoid, but if that’s the case probably not the right timw for you to be in a relationship?

I've been a 'work wife' before. Truthfully, the term exists because of the alliteration. Work wife. It's easy to say.

A work wife is someone you work closely with. It's not necessarily someone you want to shag and/or have babies with. It's platonic.

Truthfully, work sibling, work parent or work cousin-I-get-on-really-well-with-even-thought-we're-not-actually-that-close-relatives-on-paper would also accurately capture the relationship. It just doesn't sound as catchy.

Your DP has said he thinks the term is disrespectful. You can find a label disrespectful, but not the underlying reality.

I'm sorry you have a shitty ex, but your DP's work wife is going to end your relationship. Your past hurt is.

If your DP was actually having an affair with his work wife, do you honestly think his colleagues wouldn't have picked up on it? Do you honestly think they'd make comments about her in front of you?

It's more likely that DP has a work wife situation and, mindful of your past, doesn't call this woman his work wife. But doesn't mean he doesn't work closely with a colleague.

This. I was for years in what some people today might call a "work wife" situation. There was no sexual or romantic attraction between my male colleague and me; we just got along brilliantly in a meeting of minds and did some really good work. And no, I was not his handmaid; our jobs were roughly equal. I think it's a beautiful thing when these connections happen.

All of us, every day, operate on various wavelengths. These might be collegial, intellectual, familial, erotic. IME, mostly, in the workplace, it's collegial. What a shame that some people today feel the need to genderise these relationships.

Your first husband was a cheater and use the (outdated term) to throw you off the scent. You need to deal with that before you worry about anything else

Yet another thread that polarises opinion, turns into a long thread and the OP (always a first time poster) doesn't come back after the first post or two.

What is it with all these threads lately? Half the threads I'm on seem to follow the same pattern. It's almost like they've been planted as click bait.

Does he refer to this woman as a work wife or is it just something his colleagues have decided to call her? Some people can’t get their head around men and women being friends and insist on stupid terms such as work wife. Talk to your DP.

Yep

You need to talk to your DP.

This might be a term they use freely at that workplace, which is not instigated or perpetuated by him.

Someone called me and a male colleague work wife / husband because we were in a lot of the same meetings together and similar specialisms - we didn't mind, we saw the humour in it. No one thought we were having an affair.

You are projecting your past onto this current scenario which is completely separate (although admittedly, triggering for you).